I am a bit scared to see him, but excited at the same time. I called his nurse and she said that it was reported that he slept but she just started shift and so only knows what is written in the chart. I hope he was ok sharing a room. I wonder if the look just the same as a regular hospital room? I don't like that he has to go through this. Alone especially. Although we can visit now, it will help, but not be the same. Still a little scared that he will discover life without us too though. The nurse said I can bring cupcakes though, so I can do that, and she gave me the number to the patients and if someone answers just ask for James. That seems a bit weird, some random phyc patient answering the phone. Will probably still look at getting him a phone card so he can use any payphone he wants. I think it would be a bit more private then too. Sound kinda like the patients phone is in the middle of the day use room. Not very personal. But it works if you have no other option right?
Got through work pretty good. I am very sad right now though. Don't really understand why. Had a good day as the last few weeks are concerned. But having a hard time looking at the positives here.
Visisted with James at the hospital. I went up to the floor, the area that the physc ward is in, is closed off from the rest of the hospital. Had to talk to the nurse about visiting James. They then had to go and get him, and then buzz me through. They didn't check my baggage or anything else, even though I was carrying a lot of stuff. when you get through, there is a main gathering room (like you see on tv's) and then there are two smaller visiting rooms. They contain four chairs and a table. They lead us through to one of the visiting rooms. You have to make sure no one else is in them first. James let me go in first, I put my stuff down and turned around to find a very vulnerable needy James. I know what he needs, the same thing that I need. A hug. We embrace and hold tightly for a few minutes. James starts to tear up. I for some reason, and have for a long time, control my emotions very well. I don't tear up (even though all i have done since the visit is cry and be miserable) We sit side by side in the chairs that they have. I lay my head on his shoulder and hold his hand to my chest. we talk a bit. He hasn't seen the doc yet. He realized that it was 47 hours in isolation. He said that he hasn't used any medication today yet. And that he is doing pretty good without it. I would have to agree. He has realized that his thinking has done a lot of the damage in the past, and blaming others and not taking responsibility. I agree. I get a little tiny bit frustrated because this is what I have been telling him, and his doctors and he wasn't willing to do it then. Some part of me believes that he still wont do it now. why did it take all this for him to realize? Well it did, and I have to focus on what can be now, not what was, but it is so hard. scared that the past will repeat. James realizes that he will have to be responsible for himself and his learning and his practices for the future. That's good. I mention that I am scared of him not remembering how to do those things when he gets better, he finishes my sentence. he says ya, i know. That doesn't install confidence in me on how he plans to keep tabs on his relaxation and breathing and other tips that he will learn. He says that he had a smack in the face, when I asked him on Saturday, when was he happy. he couldn't remember the last time he was happy. that hurt a bit, even if it wasn't our fault, still hurt. He said that he remembers sitting on the couch watching movies and he was content, but not happy. Scared of what will make him happy, maybe it's not me and the kids. I give him the cupcakes, he asks if I asked the nurse, no, i forgot. He will ask to make sure, so he doesn't get into trouble. he is not allowed to leave the ward. He has to wear purple hospital clothes all the time, so that everyone knows that he can't leave. One day he will get day passes, weekend passes, and even once he gets out he will need to see a regular doctor. DUH! the phone is in the mail gathering area, and so is the pay phone. Will have to look into getting him a payphone card so he can call when ever he wants for how ever long he wants. He is not allowed his cell phone. He says that he has never missed me so much. I say as much as that is a bad thing, that's a good thing too. And I miss him like crazy too. He says he knows, but I don't think he does, because I hold back so well when I am in front of him. I know that I shouldn't, he needs to learn to deal with other people's emotions, but it is reflex right now, and I don't know how to change that and it seems like way to much work for right now. We don't get to visit for long and I have to go to taekwondo and be with the kids. I want to cry the minute I leave. Feel a little numb because I can't do that in front of the kids. we finish taekwondo and head home. James wanted to talk to the kids, he misses them too, so he calls while we are driving home so that the kids can still be in bed at the regular time once we get home. He wants to talk to Irene first. First thing she says is "i miss you dad........i miss you lots.....i love you....(she starts to cry, which makes me cry)" they are hurting so much too and only Irene is letting it show. James talks to Doris. "I miss you dad.....I can't wait to see you (she doesn't cry, she's strong, maybe to strong, but you can hear sadness in her voice too) They hate this just as much. The give the phone back to me, James tells me that he explained to Irene that he is away so he can get better and will come home then. I ask how it's going. he says good. He says that he saw the doctor. thats good. He says that the doc figures one of the reasons the kids are so stressful right now, is cause they are the same age that he was when he was starting to have these problems. And so he is starting to remember all those times and feelings. I don't like to hear that. Does that mean that he can't be around the kids? How hard is it going to be, to learn that the kids aren't him? To deal with 20 year old feelings that were never dealt with? I ask him what that means. he doesn't know. we decide to chat later after we get home and I get the kids to bed. He calls back. 'hows it going' 'good' 'that's good' I ask about the talk with the doctor a little bit more, he says that the kids remind him of his horrible child hood. and that his doctor said that tomorrow the doc is 'pulling the rug out from under him' Has no idea what that means though. wait and see on that one. James mentions that this doctor will not be the doctor after Friday anymore. I don't like that idea and neither does James. but what choice do we have. I sure hope this doctor is a thorough note writer and that the other doctors agree with the notes. we both agree that we like this doctor. James tells me that he has talked to some of the patients and knows some of their names. he doesn't tell me what they have talked about or their names though. I wonder if he is scared to do that in the group day area. He tells me that it now costs fifty cents to make a local call on a pay phone. Huh, didn't know that, but when you have a cell phone, who needs a pay phone. James says that he see's the doctor and wants to talk to the doc about an anxiety work group pamphlet that he found in his binder, (he is writing again in his journal, now that he has stuff to write about. mind you, he always had stuff to write about, but he didn't write about it.) so he says we will cut this on short tonight. I love yous are exchanged and good byes. I am still hurt by the 19 minute phone call is all that I got. I always feel empty when he doesn't talk that much. I always feel like there is so much more that he could share, but never does. I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me that much. I know he wants to be with me. But I need more than just sitting beside a person. Maybe this is why I am so sad, Maybe because I feel I still aint getting enough of him, of his world, life and mind. Like he still isn't letting me in. I wonder if I ever will feel that? or learn not to matter? Not sure if either one will happen, but I hope one of them does, or I don't know how I will heal myself. Very tired now. Long day and a longer one tomorrow. Wont be able to even see him tomorrow and that has me bummed right out. I wonder if I go at lunch time if they would tell me no. They first person i talked to, said they wouldn't turn me away if I came at other times, but she was wrong about a few other things, not sure if I should try that. His mom and dad are going to visit him though. that's good, his dad hasn't been there for him very much so it will be very good for him to have his dad there. He had mentioned that one of the things that was hard as a child was he was always trying to get his dads approval and never got it. I mentioned his brother too at that point. Then I also mentioned that, I never see them hug. He says that he is not really a hugger type person, but he sure is with me and the kids. I mention that I don't think not hugging has been helping. hugging reduces stress, it shows love and affection and caring and makes a connection real. and that he can start that too. I mentioned the kids visiting and he says maybe we can arrange something on the weekend. I am not that hopeful that this weekend will alright, I am very worried that his want might be overriding his need right now. He wants to, but can't at the last second. So I probably wont tell the kids when we plan the visit, so that if he backs out, they wont get dissapointed. Of course, they need to see him as much as he needs the hugs and love from him too, I wonder if I will be able to hold the tears back from that one? i don't think I will. and I want them to see him very much so. But I am scared, and I know that I can't keep seeing him without them, it is not right to them or fair. But he needs me too, and sometimes it works better without the kids. such a balancing act. I really wish I didn't have drama some days. i want a boring life please. This is so hard and tiring and burning both ends. But it is that time of night again. And I am very tired after all the crying and emotions going on today. I will only be writing what he talks about tomorrow. Hopefully that will be enough.
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