stayed home today. To tired to stressed, and just don't care. slept all morning. felt great. I know that I'm dreaming again, so I am sure that's a good sign.
Got a phone call from the school, fear rushed through me, did the kids not make it to school? What could have happened? Doris has her cell phone, why did she call me? then it wasn't them not being at school, did something else happen? do they know that James moved out? are the kids acting up? The principle is on the line, that's not good. He explains that Irene went to her teacher on Thursday and complained about the babysitter, which is also my aunt. Stating that aunt punched her in the forehead for making a mistake on her homework, and then gave her hot sauce that burned for 4 hours on her second mistake. Crap. I know this is not true. Aunt didn't even have the hot sauce until Saturday. And aunt doesn't believe in spanking so I know she wouldn't have punched Irene in the head. So the school explains that normally they would have called social services, but since this was not again the parents they called me first. They are going to let me deal with it. Great. The only thing, what do i do that I haven't already tried? why is she lying like this? I think I need some professional help, but don't know what professional I need. And I don't have money, but this can't go on. crap crap crap.
I know staying home might put a damper on James seeing the kids, but I am not sure if he had plans to see them, and it might give him an easy out too. I text him, telling him I stayed home and wont be in town today. then ask how he is feelings. He scales today at 6.5 and yesterday at 8 and an average day 5ish. So today is better than yesterday, does he want to see the kids then? he doesn't know. I don't understand that answer. I understand, I don't know if I can deal with it, I don't know how I would see them. I don't understand, how he doesn't know what he wants. Either you want and ice cream or you don't. you make your choice based on a number of things, calories, milk products, other flavors, how close to bedtime, but you want it the whole time you considering these reasons. you can want it and not take for the same reasons. and you can not want it because of these reasons too. Just talking about it makes the anxiety go up for him. I know, it always does. I feel like I'm the job that he can't work anymore. He called in sick, and now he can't do it anymore, can't face us. I wonder if this is the end then? I wonder if he will see the kids anymore? Will he be honest with his councilor? will his councilor tell him that we are done then? will he just do as he is told even if it is not what he wants? So much for my happy family. It might not be true, but I think we just found his limit. His scale is getting higher each day and he doesn't know why and he isn't doing anything about it and now he can't see us or the kids. He doesn't know why he is scared to see them, he does want to. that's a good thing. very good thing. He just doesn't know if he can. Ok, I understand now. I ask if we can pick at his fear. he says ok. Yay!! now he is supposed to do this on his own, but if I can get him started, then he can start to look at it him self this way. asking these what if questions is what he is supposed to do, according to www.anxieties.com. And he is letting me in, letting me help. Even if he doesn't realize it. he is answering lots. this is great. he states that he is scared of hurting the kids mentally. break though. In less then 10 minutes we went from I don't know to we have an answer. tried to find what would hurt them. asked some more questions and he answered. He said his anxiety is now 9.8. wow. and he was answering well, I would have never known. Asked about his breathing. focus on that, not the kids. texted him some techniques from www.anxieties.com. will let him think about that and breath, so I leave him alone. An hour later I ask how he is feeling, he says better an 8. he hasn't gotten out of bed yet. or eaten. We make some jokes, he says he smiling over my joking. I metnioned the kids and visiting, he says he doesn't think he can handle it. crap. Not good. Not good at all. I want to call, but with his anxiety so high, I don't know if he would even answer. He says he is going to get some food and watch a movie. ok. 2 hours later I can't stay awake, i text him that. He says have a nap. I do just that.
2 hours later, he texts me "getting really bummed. Hard to be happy and crap when i can't even get my ass out of bed. i wish this would stop. I'm so lost i don't even know where to start my life is a mess and I'm sorry i dragged you into it. I feel like I'm getting worse not better. I don't want to be here anymore." "What do u want? Like what do u want to do?" "I don't know" "I want to be happy again" "hard to get that ;) i know it i not funny, but i can't help if u don't choose. How r u going to get that?" "i don't know" "i don't know. I can't tell you what to do. ur in control. u can do whatever u want to do" "i don't feel in control" "but u r" "I don't want to be" "u choose ur breakfast, u choose what movie, i choose to go to the doctors. well who do u want to control u" "i don't know" "how would that help ur thinking if someone else told you when to get up and all that? would it get u out of bed if someone else told u to get out of bed?" "i don't know probably not, but I'm tired of this i don't know how much longer i can do this" "that's ok. ur right. but doesn't matter where u live, here there or the hospital, ur going to have to do the chores of getting better ur choice is where u do it. i do agree u r not getting better and might be getting worse. but u have to choose what ur next step is. i will support u, no matter what u choose. I love u no matter what" no response. that is a lot to work through. I wait for him to show up. I hope that he comes home, if that is what he wants.
My phone rings. Is it James? Is he calling me telling me he has decided to come home? Nope, it is his mom, calling from her cell phone. That's not good. Why isn't she calling from the house? I answer. She tells me that she is calling cause James asked her too. Why? He's in the hospital. oh shit. why? he was hyperventilating so much that he used up all his carbon dioxide and his muscles started to cramp. holly shit. they got him to calm down and his muscle are relaxing, but they still took him to the hospital. Is there anything that I can do? she doesn't think so. but will call me back later. I can't just pack up the kids and run into town. But I know I need to be there. He needs the support, even if he understands that I can't leave the kids or bring them in, it is just about bed time for Irene. Crap. What do I do?
I put Irene to bed and let Doris be responsible for herself, and head to town. Why else would he have ask for the phone call? I get to the hospital. They aren't there. There gone? where did they go? did they say no to asking if they could be told if he was there or not? Do I call his house? what condition is he in? they didn't call me to say they weren't there. I didn't call them to tell them I was coming either. Mostly cause while they are in the hospital they don't have cell phones on. I decide I will drive other there. I envision him lying in bed, tired and wanting to sleep from a hard day. But I can cuddle him. I am sure that is why he wanted me to be called, he wanted me. And I have to support him. I debate walking in, calling to let his parents know I'm coming in. I think, what if they blame me? what if they don't think he should see me? they want to protect him, and if they think its me, then they might not let me in. I knock on the door. James answers it. Little bit of shock on his face, but I can see happiness too. I hand him my goody bag. he is shaking badly. but up and walking and talking and making eye contact, so its not that bad. But his body physically when through some tough stuff, so the shaking might just be from that. they eat. we talk about breathing. Since that's what fixed it. And how important it is. He says that he doesn't want to have that happen again, so then he has to work on the breathing. The ems guys did the same thing I told him to do earlier. We chit chat some more. His mom shows us a new software that she got, that is for helping with breathing and relaxation. you place the finger covers on your finger tips and it catches your breathing. You have to breath calmly and evenly to get the right results. James does it to show me. He is noticeably calmer after too. Not shaking. he seems happier. He wants to make a plan for tomorrow, I recommend a schedule. And routine. Especially for bedtime. We make a plan for him to come home for supper tomorrow, or he wont have time to visit with the kids. He plans on stressing himself to call the anxiety work group and to go to the drug store to get some more meds. all the while practicing the breathing. I explain to him some of the things on the website, but I don't want to tell him everything, or he will have no reason to go and look at it himself. But I want him to get better too. Fine line I walk. Its ok to not be able to do it, its ok to be anxious. Nothing is a test, because with testing you can fail, it is just practice. And he can do it. I'm proud. I wish he didn't have to go through that to get the slap in the face wake up call. But at least he got it. Looking forward for the first time in 3 weeks.
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