The day starts the same. Get up go to work. I have a food drive after work to do. Get the kids come home, get them into bed. Try and eat and check the internet. The only thing that I ever want to do. I don't clean, barely cook, if it wasn't for Doris, nothing would get done around here. She is such a good helper, and she can see that I'm sad. But that makes it worse for me, cause I know that she shouldn't be doing the dishes, I should be. But, at least they got done right?
I notice that James seems to be talking with his friend and his brother. I start to get very mad. Why is he talking to them? why is he not talking to me? Is there something that I need to do differently? if he can talk to them, then it has nothing to do with the fact that he can't talk, just that he can't/ wont talk to me. Why? I start to vibrate again. My jaw clenches. I start to rock myself I am so wound up. I text him asking if he is talking to his brother and friend. I want to see if he will lie to me. No response. I get more upset, more vibrating. My friend calls and it is hard to talk cause I'm stuttering due to the fact that I am shaking that much. I text him, asking if he is bring his journal. No response. 10 minutes later I ask him if I am still coming tomorrow. If he is not talking to me, maybe cause he doesn't want to be with me anymore, what if something happened? I should get a response from that, even if he doesn't want to talk about how he is talking to others and not me. No response. I can't calm down, I don't know what to do. I don't leave the computer cause I know I wont wreck anything in here. 20 minutes later a response. Finally. Not what I want to hear, but I do get to know something so that is better. "year I'm talking with my friend, my brother invited me up for a break if I wanted, yes I'm bringing my journal and yes I still want you to come' why doesn't he talk to me? I know that's a repeating question, but is remains a question until I get an answer. Does talking to me stress him? What do I need to do to change. will he leave and go to his brothers? Does he need to be that far away from me? "what r u talking about with them? r u going to your brothers?" wait, why is he answering me now? was I being worried over nothing? was he busy? did I interrupt him? If not, then why did it take so long to respond? did he cope and recover? that would be good. "just talking how my day is going and how her baby is doing, it would be nice to go visit my brother but I'm not up for that kinda drive right now" he talks to her about his day? I always want to hear about his day, why not tell me? do I need to ask to hear anything about him? when will he volunteer that stuff? will it be ever? He wants to leave, but he is scared. I have mixed emotions about that. scared shittless that he wants to leave that far away for that long from all of us. and happy that he can't. "you didn't interrupt anything, just changed my ring tone and didn't notice my phone was going off' "ok" "do you want to talk to me about ur day?" 'sure, my day was really kinda sucky. My anxiety level is quite high today. Barely got out of bed. Every time my phone did an alert my heart started to beat faster, scared it was an actual call and I would have to answer it" 'do you want to talk about yesterday? just like everyone else keeps saying, you can talk to me. If feels weird to me that u texted her and not me" Didn't know another way to say that it pissed me right off that he is able to text her and not me. And I can't just sit here and let it happen, but I know he needs to, but it doesn't make me feel any better. "am down in the dumps, trying to keep myself from going any lower but not seeming to get myself any higher' Crap, that's not good. He moved out to get better not worse. he seems to be doing worse. Did we make the right choice? Should was say fuck it and bring him home and deal with it that way, together? would that help? " she texted me last night so we texted for a bit" ok, so she started it, that should mean if I start it, he will talk. Ok, I hate it, but I will try that. I don't know for how long, but I will see what comes of it. Maybe that will be the best way to start. Maybe that's the way it will always be. Can I handle that? I don't know. "what do you think will help u get higher? Ok...its good to talk to ur friends" James signs into messenger. we chat a bit more that way. we talk about his anxiety a bit. I quote some things from the website that he was supposed to look over. He doesn't know what those quotes are. I find them and send them to him. He can't handle talking anymore. I ask if it is just the talking about anxiety or talking. He says talking. I get upset but say ok. Why do I always make him have to leave? no wonder he doesn't like talking to me. I didn't mean to bring up those quotes, I had hoped he had read them, logically I knew that he hadn't, because it was so hard for him to do. But I didn't think it was that much, he started it, saying how it was hard. Am I supposed to ignore it? I want to listen, I don't know what to say anymore, everything I say seems to be wrong? Is it like that for everyone else right now? is it just me that he completely ignores or does it happen with his friend to? she texts him and never gets a response? does she feel shutout and dejected like me? does she care that much to feel those? telling him only makes it worse, not telling him make is worse for me. I don't see the answer here. I decide for right now, to do nothing. I will try to text him, and ask him questions, and I will try and be careful about what I say. And cross my fingers that it works and he gets better.
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