Nothing is fixed yet. He doesn't get up in the morning. So I don't talk to him then. I go to work. I try and not cry at work today. Its hard. My voice cracks for a few customers. I try and plan things out better. I think about all the things I can do and the things that I want. A friend was supposed to move in, maybe she can take over the payments and he could leave. I wonder if she would like that? Half owner of a house? I crunch the number, very hard to do, but we could do it. I try and ask a co-worker about bankruptcy. I get a low income application faxed over. This one gets hard. I fill it out and they call, what if I don't need it, cause we have worked on it. I don't fill it out and I need it right away, but they still don't have my application. What if we do split and I need the housing? would I have to pay for two places? what if the house sells before I can get my own place? I don't fill it out and fax it back, I keep it, just in case though.
I pick up the kids and go home. James isn't there yet. He went into town to try and find a new doctor. He comes home happy. I don't understand. we didn't solve anything last night or yesterday he/i might still need to consider moving out, and he comes home happy? Did the thought of him leaving me and the kids make him happy? did he get to see a doctor? how can he be so happy when I have been crying all day? did he not understand that I will leave if that is the only option? He is even helping with supper. He can tell I am not happy. And that starts to pull on him. he puts his hand on my shoulder after we are done eating. I don't know what to do, I thought we were separating and he is loving and touching? I'm hurt and hurt by the person touching me, I can't touch back, I'm to hurt. But I don't move away cause I don't want to hurt him. So i sit and suffer with the pain. I am sitting at my computer and he is sitting at his. I'm waiting for him to talk to me about his day, explain why his is happy, tell me how he is not leaving me, how he is going to fix everything. nothing goes by. i can tell that he is pretty far down, but isnt' that the time that I should be need most to him? I'm right here. why doesn't he come to me? why doesn't he talk? why doesn't he? I ask if he wants to talk. he says about what? I snap. I jump up and turn off the TV so that he can't look at it he has to look at me. I say, how about if you love me, if I am still living here, about our life, about your day, anything! Very soon we are arguing. Did he look for a doctor, yes, he called two. Only two? why did you stop looking. they are supposed to be the best and that's who I chose to go see? what about financial aid? no, why? because i forgot. U forgot that we need money and your not making any? He gets very upset and frustrated and angry. He is crying, he doesn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. We need milk for the kids to have breakfast in the morning. He runs to the store to get some. He comes back and says that its ok for him to move in with his parents. I'm shocked. He comes home happy and a few hours later he now wants to move away? did his mom ask him to? does she want him away from me? He says that he called them when he went to get the milk and asked, becuase he had a thought, that a seperation might work better. Then we wont be in each others faces. I tell him if he wants to leave to feel better then he might not want to come back. Cause how can you come back when leaving will make things better? make you feel better? make you happier? he doesn't know. I don't know. I see it going badly though. I see it working too good and he ends up liking the no responsibilites life again and resenting us for wrecking the last few years of his life, since it was us that caused him to break down, will he hate us, blame us, if it wasn't for them, I would be fine right now? We try and talk and don't get anywhere. He is very anxious now, he just took a pill a little bit ago and doesn't think that he can take another for right now. I don't know what to do. He mentions that he has thought about going to the hospital. I say that might work, get to see a doctor. He explains further that he means that he wants to get admitted into the crazy wing of the hospital. Oh, well thats a bit different then going to the hospital. will that help? dunno. What do you think that they can do if you can't get out of bed? what do you think you will do when you can't get out of bed there, vs here? dunno. I keep pushing, because that is my nature. I can see this is hard, but both of us need to know what direction we are going in. I know that he doesn't want to deal with it, but I know that he wants decisions too. We talk/argue some more. its late, we havn't come to any disicions. he is going to go to the ER since he can't see any doctors in town. he calls his mom to come and get him and take him.
What will she think of me? Will she think that this is all my fault? will she blame me? that I am not good enough to help him? i know I have to be home for my kids, and I know she understands that too, but I am sure there is a part of her that figures I should be more, stronger, happier, supportive, more everything. And I want to be too, sometimes I don't know how though, and the best person to ask what he needs from me, can't tell me. I go to bed and cry myself to sleep feeling worthless and lost and scared.
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