Life is short

I recently lost a cousin that was very close to the same age a me, just a little over a year older. She had the same aged children as i did. She was married and lived a rough life too. The similarities dont stop there, but they are not lost to me either. She was sick and needed emergency surgery thar just didnt make it in time. That was all it took, to take her life away. The young age of just thirty years old and will never trick or treat again, see her kids grow and fight. Never kiss them or feel their warmth.

I dont want to die. Its one of the few things that scare me like crazy. How could someone that was not unhealthy or at risk be suddenly gone? I dont want that option. That is one of the reasons i have lost weight and tried to become a Healthier person, so that i can be around for longer. I trying very hard, and it may all be for nothing. I could get sick and die at anytime. Ho? Why? Questions that never have answers. I dont want to miss life, or my kids or my husband. I want life. I want to come home every night, i want a more traditional life. I want my life.

Bad day turned good

wow, what a turn of emotions.  Woke up very upset, hurt and then of course mad to go with it.  Why?  mostly because my husband (still getting used to that term) had mentioned last night that he would be considering doing and nice yummy Eggs benny for breakfast this morning.... MY FAV!  that would be nice, he wasn't sure though, cause we don't have english muffins.

Life

I dont have lots to write... No time. I have been working 8:30-10:30 am-pm most days. I am very tired and hate it and cant wait for it to be over. I know that it should be over soon. James finished he final test to be a home inspector and sent it off. We are waiting the results of that. He was very confident with the test. However there may be a chance that the gave him the wrong test. :s.

Married

Wow, well we are married now! Who knew it would be so easy? Of course there wasnt a lot that we had to do so that of course made it very easy. But even James did very well. There was a couple times durning the ceremony that he was looking all around and i told him to just look at me. It seemed to help a little bit. He was fine for about a week after. He is doing very well still. He is almost done his training to be come a home inspector too! He enjoyed the work that he has done so far, and that is good. His one test isnt until sep though, so looks like he wont be licensed until then now, little behind where we wanted to be, but what can u do. It would be nice if he could do something to make money until then, but not sure if he would be able to push himself that much. To go work somewhere that doesnt matter just to quit right away. But i guess a good wife takes care of her husband. So i am back to finding another job so that we can still pay our bills. I dont want to work this much anymore, i want to be home with my kids. I want to have a day to sleep in. I dont want to have to worry about anything anymore. Hoping everything hurry's up from here on out.

Still seems surreal!!!!!

Well it still seems very surreal. Is it actually going to happen?? It's like cinderella. I have fought for a lot in my life, and do feel i deserve this, but i am so worried about not getting it in the end. Very used to having nice this taken away from me too. With James having so many issues it is reality that he wont be able to handle it. But he had done VERY well with all the prep so far and so thats good. Time will tell, i think i am still kinda holding my breath to see what will really happen as if it wont actually happen. Cant have your heart broken if your not expecting it right? I do want it and wish i could enjoy it a bit more, but it will still be amazing either way :):)

Going to the chapel...

Omg! We won! Three weeks to get everything done! Oh my! Wow! Still seems weird. I'm getting married? Really? Are you sure? Everyone says we sure deserve it a d i agree, and we want it, but is it real?

We were told we had to get everything done right away. So off to the races. Thank god i have an awesome boss, lets me combine my coffee and linch to get this stuff done without missing work.

Head down to the store that is offering my dress, walk in, explain why i'm there. So excited, they are going out of business and so we need to act fast. The owner states that we need to make an appointment. So cant do anything today. Very disappointing. Well quick change plans. Since we where going to get the dress on Thursday and the license and rings on friday, but now i have to get the dress on friday, so call james and see if he can run into town so that we can get the rings and some small stuff like hair appointments done today instead.

James can make it, so my brides maid and i walk downtown (since everyplace we need is downtown, (the downtown association put this together)) We try the place offering her jewelry. What color is your dress? Well we dont know because we had to make an appointment :(. Well guess we wont get that done either :(. Walk to yhe hair salon. Get all five of is booked with hair appointments, me the bridesmaid, my girls, and my mom. :). That is a good thing. They don't open till ten :/ what?!? Are wedding is at noon and we need makeup and to get dressed before that too! I didnt pick the time or date, i have no choice. They offer to open at nine!!! Wowee!! That's AWESOME!! Going to have to tip big!

On to the next place.. The rings! James calla the invitations are ready. I will grab them as i walk by on the way to the ring store. They look great! Awesome job! Now on to the rings! The best part right??? Walk in, explain who i am, have to wait the the guy, cause he is dealing with it :/ but he is busy right now. Ok. I guess. Hes done now. Lets size you up and then we will call you. Huh?!? Did i hear that right?!? We dont get to look at rings? Omg :(. So he sizes both of us up and takes our number and he will be ready monday. Wow. Well monday doesnt work for me, and we need to get our license on tuesday, so i guess wednesday lunch will be spent looking at rings. Thought they wanted all this stuff done right away?

Well i guess we can try out the place for my jewelry, since we now what color my dress will be. Walk in and tell the story. She shows me some choices and askes what cut my dress is.... Ahh crap.... I dunno... Sigh another no.... Garble garble. Well since we r down town, lets try and see if we can book the makeup and manicures.

Hard to find, no signage out or anything. Find the store in the building again no signage. Its closed, saying they will be back at 2:15. Its noon. Thats a heck of a lunch! I had already called them and left a message this morning too. And they havent called back.. Hmmm... Makes me wondering if they are even open at all today... And that makes me nervous. Well what a bust today was. Only got hair appointments done. Well and the ball started for everything else i guess.

Still seems very surreal. Like its just another day. And i am booked solid with grad appointment and such that its crazy. Working 8:30-9 every day this week. Wow. How am i ever foing to get anything done?

I guess we just keep trying.

James is doing really well. It appear to have very little effect on him. Maybe he wanted this more than even i knew??

Next day. Out of what the dress lady had in my size, and prize range, i had about 8 to pick from. Ended up picking three to try on. Found a good fit, very little alterations needed, which is good since i was told, they couldnt do it and i would have to pay it if was needed. Its cute too. Still seems weird. Lol. I wonder if it will sink in soon?

Turns out james' mom had her grandmother's or james' grandmother wedding ring in the SDB and was just waiting. She didnt want to pressure james. Awwww. Its very very nice. So we are using it as the engagement ring and as something old. Our tenant downstairs brought me something borrowed and something blue already too. And of i go with my new wedding ring, i will have something new something blue something borrowed and something old :). All in rings!!!

So much has changes in the last few days. Got most of the invites out, bit made a lot a phone calls too, just because we cant wait on canada post to make them on time all the time.

Wow, are we really getting married?

Married on main????

Hmm.... We have been talking abd thinking about marriage for a little bit, even looked at rings. Price tags of everything is stopping us though. The one radio station has a contest, called married on main. Basically the whole downtown businesses got together with the radio station and have come up with this idea, where two lucky couples, who cant afford a wedding but deserve one. So i got james to enter. He wrote:

I want to marry my girlfriend, we will have been together for 6 years come June 14. I have severe social anxiety disorder, although I was doing great for the first few years of our relationship I started to become more and more affected. This has led to me quitting jobs and even being hospitalized. She has stood beside me through it all, she may not have understood all that I was/am going through but she is there by my side, even when others tell her she should leave. She is a constant source of strength to me. She reminds me of what I have when I am so depressed I feel I have nothing worth living for. She works 3 jobs to support our family (her 2 girls from previous relationship her and me) giving up kids school and sports events, because I am unable to work and there is no financial aid that will help us. With money so tight, I/we can’t even dream of buying a ring much less having a wedding, especially one to the degree that she deserves. I don't know how to put into words the Love She and I share, she has seen me at my worst and still stands beside me. She picks me up when I am down, supports me when I feel I must fall and lends a shoulder to cry on when it all seems too much. To win this wedding would mean so much to us; it would be the starting point to the rest of our lives, it would be the ultimate way of showing my love for her, it would be the realization of one of our dreams. Words do not do justice to how we would feel if chosen. Thank you for considering us and please if not for me, for her, who has given so much up to make this relationship work.



Thank You.

We got the call for the short list and did the interview to make sure our story is true and we are deserving of an all expenses paid wedding. Now we wait to see if we win or not.....


Seems so surreal ...... Could i really be getting married?? Seems like a dream that was never going to happen..... Always seemed SSSOOO unattainable. If we win, could it really be real?

worried... again

well James did his course and passed.  Turns out that it is not the end of the course though :(  He has to do a bunch of on line stuff and then 15 mock inspections and then another test before he will be licensed in Alberta to do home inspections.  Still worried though.  the last two part time jobs that he said he was excited about died really fast.  but he said that he enjoyed doing the mock inspection which is good.  So worried that he is only seeing the "good " parts like he did with the last two jobs.  i dont know how to show him to push through his fear.  He can't seem to get that far.  Yes he is better than he was a year ago or even two, but in my eyes, we have hit the hard wall and it doesn''t seem to be budging because he can't seem to push past this part.  I feel that he is still trying to find the job that wont cause him anxiety, not the power to overcome the anxiety so that he can work any job.  sigh.  nothing is easy of course.  hard work.  i was taught how to work very hard, and do work very hard for what I want.  I excersice very hard to hit my goal weight and body shape, i work 3 jobs to keep the bills paid and family sustained.  and I dont give up that much mostly, because my pride is very high, but I have learnt to push myself.  And overcome hardship.  How do you teach someone how to do that?  and that it hurts but can still be done?  his paralizing fear it just that, paralizeing.  So how do you teach someone that shuts down, to stand up and keep walking? breathing? trying?  when they just freeze?  Is it my job to teach him?  How much more can I give up before I have nothing left to give up?  another weekend of fun plans with friends done, because its to much work for him to do.  So he is to anxious about it, so he doesn't want to do it.  We have time, if he gives up computer time.  he plays a lot of on line games, like right now, and has been for the last hour, and hour we could have gotten the trailer ready.  But it was to much, so I had to cancel plans with a friend.  Do i leave him alone for the weekend and go enjoy myself?  will that hinder or help him?  I think hinder, so me and the kids give up fun times, because its to hard for him, or so he thinks, he wont even try!  And thats where I get mad.  if you tried and it doesn't work then I understand, might not like it, but if you ran out of time to get the trailer ready, even though you had 2 full days since your not working or anything, then at least you tried.  but when you just give up and say you can't.  I hate that.  how can someone ever be taught to just give up because it might be to hard?  what kind of life is that?  I just dont understand it.  how can you not want a weekend camping? enjoying the time away, no stress?  i am still a bit lost.

Nerves

Wow! I knew it would be hard, but this is crazy! James is in calgary taking his course, second day done, first day at the course. I have been sssooo nervous about running the house and him gone and with my mom n step dad, and everything. I have chewed my nails hurt. Ssoooo nervous!

Such is life

Life is life. U win some u lose some, and in the end, it normally works out.

We have been doing pretty good. Not great, but just good. James is going to be going to calgary ab to take a Home Inspection course next week.

He is very excited and cant wait. He likes building and stuff like that, ao he figures its a good fit. And it can be. His own hours, his own boss, one person to meet so little interaction with strangers. It does sounds rather nice. And u het paid a couple hundred a house! So he will be making a couple hundred dollars n hour.

I am worried that it looks great on paper n theory, but i worries that their may be more responsibility than h is aware of. Some times responsibility cam trigger his anxiety. It did with the house when we bought it, and of course the kids, and moat jobs once he is given those choses, it doesn't normally go well. So i so have my apprehensions, but they are not to big. He is stronger now than before, so hopefully when it does raise its ugly head he will be able to combat it better.

Time will tell with this one. Only time will tell. We have to get our heads around running an at home business, and i will need to know just as much, to help, and to step in if needed. I dont think i would ever quit my job to stay home, but i guess thy would depend on how busy her gets and how much money we make.

Currently, i am working two jobs and my nails at home atoll, ( although since i am. Not certified i find it hard to find clientele, and harder yet to get them to switch to me. So it is more of a hobby that i can claim. James is working a part time merchandiser job through a company ( he just just started) thy has product in home depot to sell. So he has to go in and set it up, and program computer sales, and restock and such. Very good pay for very flexible hours and little hours. So that will help. Dits perfect around the starting a home based business. Its enough to pay the current bills and thats about it, bit as long as the bills are paid. But its enough.

So life is ok. It could be better, but it ok. And ok is livable.

Life sucks

I hate everything right now.  Everything sucks.  Feeling so depressed. 

Was doing a bit better, until I got home.  

I had emailed james and irene, and asked them to listen to a song "proud of the house we built"  and to brain storm and find ways to show me love while life has me down.  Irene googled it and watched it, but the waited till I came home to brainstorm with me.  James didn't say anything or do anything.  That was the worse. Made me feel like total shit.  Why do I try so hard.  I was already trying to figure out why I had to even ask, because people that love me should notice when I am in a shitty mood.  But humans arnt mind readers, so I made it simple for them, but since they didn't even talk about it, irene didn't even know what I ment,  she didn't understand how to do something to make me feel better.  Just want to shut down, and give up.  I don't care at this moment.  Just don't.  What's the point?

Should I or not??

I don't know what to do.  Feeling lost today.  Even though today was a good day overall.  Just still feel like I can't get ahead.  I don't know why it's so hard.  Just one of those days.  All I can see is the downside.   Nails don't seem to be working out, and I really don't lime not succeeding, but I can get much better, because I can't afford the schooling.  James still hadn't found another job, we will never have enough money, why do we have to struggle constantly.    What will it take to prove ourselves? 

Stress, what stress?

Wow, what a day.  James was having issues the last couple days.  And so he was not able to go into work.  I know that my complaining about work and situations didn't help his stress, but he is my go to person.  So, he was supposed to go into work to "talk about his job" but that only made his anxiety worse.  So he wasn't able to go in.  the boss asked him to call her. 

Well james is a bit upset  and not sure if he can do it, he knows that he will be getting lectured on texting in sick, not calling, but for him, that is all that we can do.   So he emails me.  I call him on my lunch and we talk.  He is good, have him choices and options:

1: he calls and gets it over and done with.
2: he comes into town and we go in together, I don't talk, just sit there.
3: he waits till I get home then we use two phones and we call together.

And just let me know what option.  He calls me at work, he is upset.  they fired him. What!?!?!??!.  I can't believe that. 

There is sooo much about it that I just don't have time to write it all down.  But it's bull! Now, how is that going to help him? They don't understand or care to.  So frustrating. 

I don't want to work their anymore either, and was thinking that a bit ago, but where do I go?  Can I get it in time for the next chq?

Then there is the revenge side, I want to get them back, and just not show, but I am so stressed over the wait, that it's not working so well.  I wand rd monday off to spend with my kids anyways, but didn't think it would go this way.

We do have the bills paid for this month.  But somehow they still haven't paid james all his hours paid  but say they have three time, so docted his pay once more for 23hrs.  So now we have the fight of getting his hours fixed up.  I still haven't gotten my IT, and looks like the only way that I will is by taking them to labor standards.  I have tried and tried to get it.  Not sure how much more I can ask and prove the rule in alberta, they are different than other provinces and countries. 

Sooo, frustrating!

I am so tense and stressed out right now that I am causing a migraine!  Blah!

What am I being tested for now?  Why is life so hard?  Can't we catch a small break?  Just so thats James can learn to be in those situations and deal?  Is that to much to ask for?  Of course winning the lottery does work too :-) 

I need to deal so I can sleep.  But not sure which way I need to go to deal.

:-(

A little of this and a little of that

Well today is feb 14.  Valentines day.  I know lastnight was hard on james, so not sure if he made it too work or not.  He is not answering my text messages, which is what he has been doing all week while at work so I am inclined to believe that he is at work.  And hopefully if not that he is not worried about telling me.  Very hard to know what is going on.  And when I know that he is struggling, it is very hard to predict.  But he knows that after today, he has days off and we have a weekend together.  I can't wait for the weekend.  Supper out, movie, night alone, then spend sunday with the kids, hanging out doing fun stuff.  Here is to hoping too. 

I got a text this morning about my step uncle passing away on sunday, funeral is sat.  So that bites a little into our saturday, but I will be there, for my dad.  And my step mom.  I hate the feeling of loss. 

I love the app for blogging on my android phone.  Makes it so easy to add a quick note.  Those late nights when I can't sleep swill really help, because I won't have to get up to post.  Just spill my mind.

Still struggling. But still pushing too.

James is still struggling, hard time to get out of bed this morning.  But he did.  I think mostly because we had to take the can in, so I think that is what mostly helped him today.  But he was able.  I was so stressed about him not making it.  I am still chewing my fingers and can't stop, I am so worry about his fall.  I know it will come and I know it will be hard, just because it will be his first fall since he has starting trying again.  He is getting very frustrated at the lack of support at work.  It is getting hard a tiny but, for me too, because he is starting to slow and not care about his work, so others are having to pick up a bit.  Not much but just a bit.  I know he is pushing through it and that is good, but I think he still only see's the struggle, not the goodness at the end.  Not sure how to refocus his sight.

Break through

Heck yes!  James had a panic attack from super bowl sunday, but it's one of the first times he has worked through it so he can go to work after.  And that is not to say that it was easy.  It wasn't, he struggled alot.  By the important part is that he made it twice!  And after two days of working through it, today seemed like a regular day!  It was such a major break through.  If he can work through the stress and anxiety and fear in the morning, and go to work, he is doing great!  So happy!!!

Getting there

as always, I still try to keep up to date on this, but I am soooo busy lately in life, that I haven't even watched a movie or a tv show.  Most of us (by that I mean human's in general) have certain times that we HAVE to watch Grey's Anatomy, or Ink Master or The next great baker, or whatever show is your CAN"T miss show.  I can't remember the last time I even saw Grey's Anatomy.  I want to slow down, but I don't see that happening just yet.  I think it will have to be soon though.  I am just slowly crashing.  Not the same way James does, but I am still pushing myself and find myself not being able to do everything that I want to do.  James is still working, part time at the same place that I work part time.  So far, it is doing decent.  He had a major set back here on Super bowl Sunday.  The manager didn't have as many workers as she should have had on, and James, being the sweet guy that he is, couldn't just sit there and watch the ONLY worker, (besides him, since he is a prep person and not a cashier or pizza maker) get slammed by the rush of super bowl, he went up to the front of the store and started to help, by making the pizza and serving the customers.  Even the unhappy ones.  He did good.  He did slowly crash from that day.  Just slowly through out the day.  He did think he would, but didn't seem to be able to do anything about it.  Not sure if or what he tried.  He still seems to be stuck in the "I can't do anything, it just happens"  yes and no, I think anyways.  But once he gets a certain thinking, I or him or anyone can't seem to change it.  Still something to work on.  he has gotten ALOT better at the, "it happen.  Its done and over with, ok, move on then"  Which is good, cause that was a major part of the depression.  he does still have bad days.  It is something that he will have to work on for a long time, maybe even the rest of his life.  The only crap part is that when he starts to go down, he can't see any light or hands offering help.  For instance, on Monday morning this week, after the super bowl and he couldn't face the day, it was a big struggle to get him the text his boss, my boss too, to tell her that he was not coming in.  Then we went through the battle of him hating himself, thinking he was worthless and that fun stuff.  I, like always at night, and following morning, had my music playing softly.  By the time I was ready to get up, I grabbed my phone, but didn't turn off my music.  James then asked me to turn it off, not even down, but off, because his head hurt so much.  I asked if he was going to do anything about the headache.  Nope, Hadn't thought of that.  And right now, that seems to be the big header we are hitting.  He doesn't see a way to fix things when he is in these situations.  I have no idea how a human, when in pain, can just sit there, in pain.  Not when you know that pain meds work, and they will make it better.  How do you not JUMP up and take them.  Well ok, so maybe no jump in so many words, but as fast as you can when you are in pain, or ask the loving spouse you have beside you to get some for you, so that the pain goes away and you can get better.  Thats the kicker.  He still doesn't seem to want to get better.  There is still lots of the "practice" and therapy that he is not doing, even though he is doing better, there is still some of these things to make sure it doesn't get worse again, not necessarily to make it better, but to help it not get worse again.  One simple one, is to see 5 good things in his day.  Just so that he can start seeing positives and not negatives.  Of course we all know that isn't going to cure him, but it will help, it just helps focus on the right stuff, not the wrong stuff.  or colouring, or writing every day.  He started a blog, reason I started mine actually.  But besides the two original posts a few years ago, he has never went back to it.  Says it doesn't work/help.  Now how does he know after just two times if it helped or not?  I don't want to just focus on the small negative things here either.  he is working.  just part time.  nine in the morning till his prep is done, 3-4 days a week.  Although 3 seems to be working more than 4 does.  It also doesn't help that the store is in bad shape which is causing some unnecessary stress on him too.  But that is a part of the life.  Stress.  So we just keep mentioning that this is practice.  He is learning to handle crap at the job with a job that doesn't matter that much.  It is just a prep for a fast food joint.  But it is a start.  And he has been there since slightly before xmas.  It is nice to finally have some cash flow, we are working on getting somethings fixed on the house, like our own washer and dryer getting hooked up, since we haven't had that since we reno'd the basement to make it into a basement suit to rent out and make money, so that we could pay the mortgage and keep the house.  I could quit my second job and we would make it, but thats it.  Just make it.  I want to get ahead a bit.  Also to have savings, in case it doesn't work out for James.  Which of course has been his past.  I think that we are both better partners to each other, we both listen better and can focus better, so I think we would survive and get him back into it faster than in the past.  But I have no proof or knowledge of what will happen, how he will feel, and go through, if and when he loses this job.  He is still so uncertain of him self and that really holds himself back.  I think he could do full time, only because then I would quick my second job and then he would no longer have all the house stress, which is a job in its own.  he is handling working 9-5 and then the kids and house and supper and taekwondo all in one day.  And decently too.  Maybe not great, but I was never great at it either.  I want to think that I have a better mind set now to deal with it all too, but until I get that option I don't know for sure.  I would love to try.  I miss my girls sooo much.  When James tells me about how he had to "fight" or argue or hassle them to help, or finish homework, that is when I struggle.  I find it hard to continue working all the nights that I do and miss them.  He is a good dad, very good, but I want to take my momship back.  and soon before I miss all of their growing up.  Doris is 2 belts away from her black belt in taekwondo and I don't want to miss that.  But even as it stands right now, she has a tournament coming up and I can't afford to take her.  Not the time off or the cost of travel.  Maybe if it was just me and her, but there is the hotel and food and gas.  Our savings right now are trying to go to the house.  This is where i get pissed at the ex, since apparently it is fine to help your children out.  That was how we afford to go last year, the little bit that I did get from him, I put in there savings accounts and used it to pay for these things.  Gymnastics for Irene and such.  But if we take the savings to go, then we arn't much ahead.  The washer and dryer are important, as we are finding more conflict with the tenants down stairs.  They are sleeping by 7 sometimes, or doing their laundry on Sunday, which has been for the last 6 months, the day that we do ours.  two weeks ago, we had to wait for 5 days before we could get them done.  So far the only way we can, is if James goes down all day, while they are at work.  They have given us permission, but again that means that it has to be on his day off.  it is becoming more stress again trying to find a spot or time or even finish it, since the dryer down there doesn't seem to dry as fast as it should.  Wow, I sure wrote a lot lol.  Well maybe I should blog more.  But just stating my mind on my life.  I wish i had more time.  I work two job's most days, work out and sleep.  Thats all I have time for.  Well and Facebook too of course ;)

2012

2012.

Its here.  Not much has changed though.  A little bit has, James is trying to work part time.  He is actually working at the same place as my part time job.  Right now though, James strongly believes that he won't be able to do more than part time.  So three days a week he comes in and does the prep food for the pizza place that we work for.  So far so good.  It does appear that he is using this as an opportunity to work through some issues while it doesn't matter as much.  So maybe in a month or two he can look for something better.  He even says that he is enjoying the "working" part which is good.  He has made two paychecks now.  And I think that was a big reward too.  We, for the moment have money.  But there is so much that we need, and a small start still makes it seem impossible.  I think that he would do just fine, he is still taking care of the house and kids and working as I am still working my full time job and part time and a small, very small home based gel nail too.  If he can handle all that, then I think he should be able to work full time so I can quit the part time and help out with the house.  And join the family again.  We could have time off together, something that I still don't get right now.  I have to start booking time off just to take care of myself.  I am having more migraines since he started working.  I am pretty sure it is because I am so worried about everything getting completed at home, and of course his basic wellbeing.  I Don't need him breaking down and losing it again.  I don't need to think we are finally getting somewere and then not be.  I am so worried about how life is turning out that I don't think I can take much more.  But his three days a week isn't enough to say that I can quit either though.  It is helping, but it is still not enough.  My head hurts so much.  I have started chewing my nails and fingers again.  And badly.  They are bleeding almost everyday.  I don't know how to stop.  I don't know how not to worry about another nervous break down.  I don't know if either of us are prepared for another either.