It is very hard for me right now to be at work, a place where I feel I don't belong, where they are talking behind my back, they don't understand, they don't want me, and I could be at home crying, or taking care of myself or my house or my kids, or visiting with him. I don't want to be here, I want to be with him. I hate it here. Lost the chance to train too, because of me not going to work yesterday, looking back, I still wouldn't have changed anything. He is more important to me than my stupid job. I can always get another job.
I'm scared for him, what's it like? is he ok with it? does he regret his choice to go there? will he give them long enough chance to work on it? how long will he be there? Will he stop seeing me if he doesn't get better? so lost still.
I can't email him, I can text him, I can't call him. All he can do is think. and I can't be there with him. i know that is what might be needed, him by himself to get better. no one else helping him, him doing it all himself. But I can't either, I'm all by myself too. And I know that I can do it, but I don't want to. I don't want to leave him for any reason. If he chooses I will let him, but I will be devastated. Even though I know this is a strong possibility, it is still not what I am considering because I have hope and I want to believe that there is a god and that he will be ok. Dear god I hope so much that he will be ok. That he will be happy with life. that he can find happiness in life again. Even if it is not with us. Just not death. Please lord, save him.
I didn't realized how hard this would be, I don't know how long I can not hear about him, not see him. Called. Talked to his nurse. She said, she can't tell me anything with out asking him first if he will share information. Oh. Ok. what if he says no? what if he doesn't want me to know? how am I supposed to stay beside him if he wont let me? What about visiting? no, he can't have visitors right now. oh. was told yesterday that he should see me, but maybe that wasn't a nurse, maybe that was an administrator who didn't know what the hell she was talking about. Or maybe, he doesn't want visitors and they are trying to let me down easy. They wont let him mom visit either. What if he lets her information share and visit but not me? I am really sure I would not be able to do that. I asked the nurse when she would talk to him next to get permission. next time they go in, try back in a couple hours. oh ok. I get to sit and know nothing again. I don't like this. I don't like being alone. Does he? I don't think so, what is he going through? does he know that we want to come and they wont let us? is he regretting his choice to go there? will this make him hate it more? or realize how bad it is and shape up? Go to taekwondo. I can't stop thinking about this hell and him and what it must be like and I don't have a clue. I hate this so much. So much. Irene writes him a letter @ taekwondo : dad i hope you feal bater I am sarwy dad that your sick dad i like you dad and love you dad my hart feals bad dad it is birokin dad I am sarwy that you are at the hospital dad you are cool dad you have neet riteing dad." At first it was great letter, but with her saying how she is hurt, I don't know if I can give it to him, at least not right away as it will most likely cause more guilt then love. But she is just telling it like it is. And she did great at it.
called the nurse back. He gave permission. Thank god. She started talking about his day. "He had a bad afternoon. Very angry, wouldn't talk, pounding on the walls. they gave him some med's to calm him down, and it worked. he slept. when he woke, he ate and drank lots and talked a bit and is curled up in his bed resting now. He is in seclusion right now, and that is so there is no noise, now stimulation, its calm and quiet. And while he is in there, there will be no visitations. He will be there until they see fit. She said that he just needs to calm down, rest and get a grip." omg. he has never punched walls. how bad was it? I am bawling. he is going through this alone I don't know how much that must hurt. omg! I don't want him to hurt. I want to take it from him. Even though I know, that these doctors and nurse deal with this all the time and should know what is best to help him improve should he choose. But I am also worried that it is a pattern. Get angry and mad, HAVE to take meds to calm, then sleep. wake up calmer, start to work through life and start to get mad and hurt and angry. and start it over again. Only time will tell.
His mom called. did she talk to the nurse too and calling me to let me know? I answer. She wants to see if I can come in tomorrow after work and sit down with her and rod to talk about finances and stuff. ok....can't we do that over the phone? I don't ask that but makes me worried when they can do something over the phone and don't want to. she says that they are not ganging up on me, but that they don't think they have been very supportive for me and want to be. I explain the only support I need right now, is financial. And she says ya, so if you can come in tomorrow we can figure that out. Still scared, still think it can be dealt with over the phone, and worried as to why they don't want to. I have never been that close to his parents and of course that does put boundaries there. And as much as I don't like to say it, I am a very paranoid person, I always think the worse, I always get worked up over nothing. The supervisor says she is working my station so I can go talk to the manager, and I start to get sweaty and my heart increases and I start to think, shit what did I do wrong, start evaluating the last few days, what I have said, what I have done, what I have worn. I tell my self, its nothing. But I get so worked up in those few minutes. I still go through and see the manager with a smile on my face, so they don't know I am scared just in case it is something bad. But I think those first. and of course I am doing that now, and have a few hours to think these and will most likely try to just not think about it, so that I don't follow my own line of thinking. And then I will just have to do it. And I will do it. And I will be scared. At least until it is proven to be a safe situation.
I am on holidays starting Friday evening and so can't wait. I need it so much, I only wish that it could come like today. Very excited over not having to get out of bed, to sleep, to cry, to do nothing. The manager came to me today and asked, without asking directly if I could work that week. I said well I have two appointments on Monday, one on Tuesday and I no longer have a babysitter for that week, cause the babysitter moved her holidays to match mine. I know that she is very short and I really really really really really don't want to go to work, I need this time off too. But I said that if she can't I will see about Wed, Thur, and Fri. She said she will see what the other branches can do to help. but it seems unlikely. So they might only have 2 tellers for the branch. we have done those before, and it is not the 15th, but the 4th is right after the 1st, which is normally the worst day ever. and after a weekend, but I have 2 appointments that day and wouldn't be able to switch them. So the rest of the week though, would be manageable with only 2 tellers. Not good, but do able. i am not that worried about it anyways. I don't care that much to worry about it.
Bandaged up 4 fingers and might do one more. they hurt and that is my fault. But I can't stop myself. that is my deal, I chew and can't stop and I don't care if it hurts and if it is bleeding. I am sure that there is some deep link to pain and dealing n crap, but no one has ever looked into it so I have never changed. I am pretty sure, in the short sense, that it is a pain I can deal with, and it is better than the mental pain. the only problem is it is very short term, couple minutes and then I am back chewing again. and after, when they are healing, it hurts so much and i regret what i did. especially if i have to do something, like dishes and hot water hurts those spots that are shy a few layers of skin.
well it is that time of day again, where I go and lay in bed and see if I can ignore my life enough to sleep. I am sure tomorrow will be a bit, tiny bit, easier than today was. which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. even his mom said that. But going into the day, knowing I can't see him will make a difference, then going into the day, expecting to see him and being told no later. but even before I knew that, it was a very hard day at work. There were more than a couple times that I wanted to scream and yell and bawl and run away and my chest hurt and I didn't care if it cost me my job. All bad for the job and not great for me personally too. but it was very hard. I got through it though. And each day will get easier, because it will become life and routine. Right now, it is unknown and scary. unpredictable. And I hate that to begin with, so it is very hard for me. i will see if I sleep well or not. Slept pretty decent last night after taking my own anti anxiety. However, was very tired, to tired to get up with the kids again, and I don't like doing that either. So I wont be taking one tonight, and we will see how the night goes and the morning. I think I am tired enough already, from the stress and fear and bawling, that I might just be able to pass out tonight. and I will take some advil as my shoulders and neck have hurt all day and don't want to worry about that while trying to sleep. of course, those same things can keep me awake, but we will see what happens. Night.
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