Thursday September 30th 2010

I am a bit scared to see him, but excited at the same time.  I called his nurse and she said that it was reported that he slept but she just started shift and so only knows what is written in the chart.  I hope he was ok sharing a room.  I wonder if the look just the same as a regular hospital room?  I don't like that he has to go through this.  Alone especially.  Although we can visit now, it will help, but not be the same.  Still a little scared that he will discover life without us too though.  The nurse said I can bring cupcakes though, so I can do that, and she gave me the number to the patients and if someone answers just ask for James.  That seems a bit weird, some random phyc patient answering the phone.  Will probably still look at getting him a phone card so he can use any payphone he wants.  I think it would be a bit more private then too.  Sound kinda like the patients phone is in the middle of the day use room.  Not very personal.  But it works if you have no other option right?

Got through work pretty good.  I am very sad right now though. Don't really understand why.  Had a good day as the last few weeks are concerned.  But having a hard time looking at the positives here. 

Visisted with James at the hospital.  I went up to the floor, the area that the physc ward is in, is closed off from the rest of the hospital.  Had to talk to the nurse about visiting James.  They then had to go and get him, and then buzz me through.  They didn't check my baggage or anything else, even though I was carrying a lot of stuff.  when you get through, there is a main gathering room (like you see on tv's) and then there are two smaller visiting rooms.  They contain four chairs and a table.  They lead us through to one of the visiting rooms.  You have to make sure no one else is in them first.  James let me go in first, I put my stuff down and turned around to find a very vulnerable needy James.  I know what he needs, the same thing that I need.  A hug.  We embrace and hold tightly for a few minutes.  James starts to tear up.  I for some reason, and have for a long time, control my emotions very well.  I don't tear up (even though all i have done since the visit is cry and be miserable)  We sit side by side in the chairs that they have.  I lay my head on his shoulder and hold his hand to my chest.  we talk a bit.  He hasn't seen the doc yet.  He realized that it was 47 hours in isolation.  He said that he hasn't used any medication today yet.  And that he is doing pretty good without it.  I would have to agree.  He has realized that his thinking has done a lot of the damage in the past, and blaming others and not taking responsibility. I agree.  I get a little tiny bit frustrated because this is what I have been telling him, and his doctors and he wasn't willing to do it then.  Some part of me believes that he still wont do it now.  why did it take all this for him to realize?  Well it did, and I have to focus on what can be now, not what was, but it is so hard.  scared that the past will repeat.  James realizes that he will have to be responsible for himself and his learning and his practices for the future.  That's good. I mention that I am scared of him not remembering how to do those things when he gets better, he finishes my sentence.  he says ya, i know.  That doesn't install confidence in me on how he plans to keep tabs on his relaxation and breathing and other tips that he will learn.  He says that he had a smack in the face, when I asked him on Saturday, when was he happy.  he couldn't remember the last time he was happy.  that hurt a bit, even if it wasn't our fault, still hurt.  He said that he remembers sitting on the couch watching movies and he was content, but not happy.  Scared of what will make him happy, maybe it's not me and the kids.  I give him the cupcakes, he asks if I asked the nurse, no, i forgot.  He will ask to make sure, so he doesn't get into trouble.  he is not allowed to leave the ward.  He has to wear purple hospital clothes all the time, so that everyone knows that he can't leave.  One day he will get day passes, weekend passes, and even once he gets out he will need to see a regular doctor. DUH!  the phone is in the mail gathering area, and so is the pay phone.  Will have to look into getting him a payphone card so he can call when ever he wants for how ever long he wants.  He is not allowed his cell phone.  He says that he has never missed me so much.  I say as much as that is a bad thing, that's a good thing too.  And I miss him like crazy too.  He says he knows, but I don't think he does, because I hold back so well when I am in front of him.  I know that I shouldn't, he needs to learn to deal with other people's emotions, but it is reflex right now, and I don't know how to change that and it seems like way to much work for right now.  We don't get to visit for long and I have to go to taekwondo and be with the kids.  I want to cry the minute I leave.  Feel a little numb because I can't do that in front of the kids.  we finish taekwondo and head home.  James wanted to talk to the kids, he misses them too, so he calls while we are driving home so that the kids can still be in bed at the regular time once we get home.  He wants to talk to Irene first.  First thing she says is "i miss you dad........i miss you lots.....i love you....(she starts to cry, which makes me cry)" they are hurting so much too and only Irene is letting it show.  James talks to Doris.  "I miss you dad.....I can't wait to see you (she doesn't cry, she's strong, maybe to strong, but you can hear sadness in her voice too)  They hate this just as much.  The give the phone back to me, James tells me that he explained to Irene that he is away so he can get better and will come home then.  I ask how it's going.  he says good.  He says that he saw the doctor.  thats good.  He says that the doc figures one of the reasons the kids are so stressful right now, is cause they are the same age that he was when he was starting to have these problems.  And so he is starting to remember all those times and feelings.  I don't like to hear that.  Does that mean that he can't be around the kids?  How hard is it going to be, to learn that the kids aren't him?  To deal with 20 year old feelings that were never dealt with? I ask him what that means.  he doesn't know.  we decide to chat later after we get home and I get the kids to bed.  He calls back.  'hows it going' 'good' 'that's good'  I ask about the talk with the doctor a little bit more, he says that the kids remind him of his horrible child hood.  and that his doctor said that tomorrow the doc is 'pulling the rug out from under him'  Has no idea what that means though.  wait and see on that one.  James mentions that this doctor will not be the doctor after Friday anymore.  I don't like that idea and neither does James.  but what choice do we have.  I sure hope this doctor is a thorough note writer and that the other doctors agree with the notes.  we both agree that we like this doctor.  James tells me that he has talked to some of the patients and knows some of their names.  he doesn't tell me what they have talked about or their names though.  I wonder if he is scared to do that in the group day area.  He tells me that it now costs fifty cents to make a local call on a pay phone.  Huh, didn't know that, but when you have a cell phone, who needs a pay phone.  James says that he see's the doctor and wants to talk to the doc about an anxiety work group pamphlet that he found in his binder, (he is writing again in his journal, now that he has stuff to write about. mind you, he always had stuff to write about, but he didn't write about it.) so he says we will cut this on short tonight.  I love yous are exchanged and good byes.  I am still hurt by the 19 minute phone call is all that I got.  I always feel empty when he doesn't talk that much.  I always feel like there is so much more that he could share, but never does.  I feel like he doesn't want to talk to me that much.  I know he wants to be with me.  But I need more than just sitting beside a person.  Maybe this is why I am so sad, Maybe because I feel I still aint getting enough of him, of his world, life and mind.  Like he still isn't letting me in.  I wonder if I ever will feel that?  or learn not to matter?  Not sure if either one will happen, but I hope one of them does, or I don't know how I will heal myself.  Very tired now.  Long day and a longer one tomorrow.  Wont be able to even see him tomorrow and that has me bummed right out.  I wonder if I go at lunch time if they would tell me no.  They first person i talked to, said  they wouldn't turn me away if I came at other times, but she was wrong about a few other things, not sure if I should try that.  His mom and dad are going to visit him though.  that's good, his dad hasn't been there for him very much so it will be very good for him to have his dad there.  He had mentioned that one of the things that was hard as a child was he was always trying to get his dads approval and never got it.  I mentioned his brother too at that point.  Then I also mentioned that, I never see them hug.  He says that he is not really a hugger type person, but he sure is with me and the kids.  I mention that I don't think not hugging has been helping.  hugging reduces stress, it shows love and affection and caring and makes a connection real.  and that he can start that too.  I mentioned the kids visiting and he says maybe we can arrange something on the weekend.  I am not that hopeful that this weekend will alright, I am very worried that his want might be overriding his need right now.  He wants to, but can't at the last second.  So I probably wont tell the kids when we plan the visit, so that if he backs out, they wont get dissapointed.  Of course, they need to see him as much as he needs the hugs and love from him too, I wonder if I will be able to hold the tears back from that one?  i don't think I will.  and I want them to see him very much so.  But I am scared, and I know that I can't keep seeing him without them, it is not right to them or fair.  But he needs me too, and sometimes it works better without the kids.  such a balancing act.  I really wish I didn't have drama some days.  i want a boring life please.  This is so hard and tiring and burning both ends.  But it is that time of night again.  And I am very tired after all the crying and emotions going on today.  I will only be writing what he talks about tomorrow.  Hopefully that will be enough.

Wednesday September 29 2010

today looks like another crappy day.  I was tired and didn't want to get up.  I don't want to go to work and I don't want to do anything.  I am sad and depressed and don't care.  I hate my life right now.  Still a little worried about tonight's supper with his parents, but I can always grab my kids and leave should I not like what is happening too though.  I'm not getting my hopes up, but I wonder if today will be a good day for him, if he will be able to get visitors this quickly or if it will be a bit more yet.

Decided to call and see how the night went.  Nurse said she is just coming on shift, but he appears to have slept most of the night, or at least looked like he was sleeping.  that's good, sleeping can sometimes bother him too and he will avoid it sometimes, or it just doesn't come to him.  Resting anyways.  That's good.

Felling better now. Actually can't wait to eat.  Not that it turned out to taste good or settle well.  But that will come back too.

Work went well, that's good.  Able to concentrate and focus, just a little bit more today.  Still need to try and get some disability forms from the bank for the personal loans, but not expecting to get anything except what we paid into the insurance back, because he has a history of this. Chances are that they will not pay our loans.


Got to his parents place and we talked more about the money that was needed, this month, next month and from now on, talked about options, 4 mount possibility with having CMHC skip payments due to health issues, talked about selling the house, and bankruptcy.  They realized that we don't have many options and that we have done what we can in the past to try and see.  Going to look into CPP disability though and hope that EI comes through, cause that will help too.  Thinking about visiting United way to see if there are other options that I don't know about yet.  i sure hope there are.  Had supper at their house again.  had to leave a bit early cause Irene needed a bath and to get to bed on time once this week.


Talking to my mom, trying to see if she can come down for thanks giving and just to talk about me and the girls and James and life and finances too.  It was a good talk, it is always a good talk with my mommy.  my phone was beeping, private caller, i answered it.  It was James.  HOLLY SHIT!!  he can call me?  he says that he is allowed to talk and to have visitors and that he misses me.  I miss him too.  He is giving up pop, cause caffeine can make anxiety worse.  That's good.  That's great.  I ask him to tell me about it.  He was in isolation.  A room and a mattress and a pillow and a couple blankets. and someone to watch you 24h/7.  He wasn't allowed to put his head under the blankets or pillow.  So he lost his pillow pretty quick for a little bit.  When he had his bad day yesterday, he punched the window and his knuckle is still seeping from that.  it was at that time that they gave him a sedative to help.  He was in there for 46 hours. and after he woke yesterday, the last 24 he said gave him lots of thinking time, and time to realize that they are there to help him.  That's good.  He can't talk long cause someone else wants to use the phone.  He says that he shares a room and that he might try and get some quarters so that he can call more, I mention that he can call collect too.  he says he might just do that later.  He says that he can get seraquin every 4 hours if needed, so that's good too.  he says he has to go cause someone else needs the phone. I remind him that i will be up late and like to listen and talk if he wants.  He says ok and good bye.  i say I love you.  he says it back.  we hang up.  Such a shock.  I don't think I was ready for that yet.  Or just wasn't prepared for it.  I miss him.  I want to talk to him.  An hour has gone by now and he hasn't called back.  i wonder if he knows how to call collect?  maybe he isn't allowed as he thought?  The future is still very uncertain, have no idea what treatment will be like, how long it should take and so on.  I want to hear more.  I want to know.  I don't want him to be alone.  He did sound shaky, emotional, but strong.  He sounded like he had a purpose again.  and that is great. 


getting tired now, and planning on visiting him right after work tomorrow.  Already have it arranged with the babysitter, so just need to make sure I have parking and supper or supper at home or something.  i can always take a sandwich though like last Thursday.  I am thinking that it will be pretty hard tomorrow, with emotions and more goodbyes that we don't want.  But we will just have to deal with it, cause this is the way it is, and he will have to re-learn how to handle emotions and difficult situations.  The kids wont come tomorrow, but hopefully within a week.  I think he needs to be seeing them regularly too.  They are his family too.  and it is not good for me to spend all my time with him and not then and vise versa.  Picking one or the other is very hard. and I can't keep putting my kids second.  And he needs to know how to deal with them again.  And at the hospital with a doctor that he can see almost daily, then he can learn right away and deal and cope and succeed.  I will keep praying and hoping, because it will be possible for a relapse.  He can still go back down.  It will be everyone's job to watch for that, but mostly his, he will have to be aware of himself and his feelings and his reactions so that he can take care and prepare and deal before it gets bad again.  As soon as it starts, he will be better able to deal with it.  Fingers still crossed that this is the help he needs and then he will continue to do so on his own.


well until tomorrow.

tuesday september 28 2010

The thought that he is in a nut house still doesn't seem to register.  or maybe the opposite, he's crazy.  It is just weird. Not sure if I am dealing with it at all actually.  Sounds like I should see him, keep showing love and support, until told otherwise, but not sure how that is going to work time wise.  Still trying to figure out the best solution here.  His mom offered to babysit the kids, and it might work best if we do it during Doris' teakwondo.  Then Irene will get some one on one time with grandma and I know both are safe and I can go visit him for about 45 minutes.  I don't feel as lost as I did yesterday and that is good.  There is still so much to deal with though.  Money is still due and they might not care that he is hospitalized.

It is very hard for me right now to be at work, a place where I feel I don't belong, where they are talking behind my back, they don't understand, they don't want me, and I could be at home crying, or taking care of myself or my house or my kids, or visiting with him.  I don't want to be here, I want to be with him.  I hate it here.  Lost the chance to train too, because of me not going to work yesterday, looking back, I still wouldn't have changed anything.  He is more important to me than my stupid job.  I can always get another job. 

I'm scared for him, what's it like?  is he ok with it?  does he regret his choice to go there?  will he give them long enough chance to work on it?  how long will he be there?  Will he stop seeing me if he doesn't get better?  so lost still.

I can't email him, I can text him, I can't call him.  All he can do is think.  and I can't be there with him.  i know that is what might be needed, him by himself to get better.  no one else helping him, him doing it all himself.  But I can't either, I'm all by myself too.  And I know that I can do it, but I don't want to. I don't want to leave him for any reason.  If he chooses I will let him, but I will be devastated.  Even though I know this is a strong possibility, it is still not what I am considering because I have hope and I want to believe that there is a god and that he will be ok.  Dear god I hope so much that he will be ok. That he will be happy with life.  that he can find happiness in life again.  Even if it is not with us.  Just not death.  Please lord, save him.

I didn't realized how hard this would be, I don't know how long I can not hear about him, not see him.  Called.  Talked to his nurse.  She said, she can't tell me anything with out asking him first if he will share information.  Oh.  Ok.  what if he says no?  what if he doesn't want me to know?  how am I supposed to stay beside him if he wont let me? What about visiting?  no, he can't have visitors right now.  oh.  was told yesterday that he should see me, but maybe that wasn't a nurse, maybe that was an administrator who didn't know what the hell she was talking about.  Or maybe, he doesn't want visitors and they are trying to let me down easy.  They wont let him mom visit either.  What if he lets her information share and visit but not me?  I am really sure I would not be able to do that.  I asked the nurse when she would talk to him next to get permission.  next time they go in, try back in a couple hours.  oh ok.  I get to sit and know nothing again.  I don't like this.  I don't like being alone.  Does he? I don't think so, what is he going through?  does he know that we want to come and they wont let us?  is he regretting his choice to go there?  will this make him hate it more?  or realize how bad it is and shape up?  Go to taekwondo.  I can't stop thinking about this hell  and him and what it must be like and I don't have a clue.  I hate this so much.  So much.  Irene writes him a letter @ taekwondo : dad i hope you feal bater I am sarwy dad that your sick dad i like you dad and love you dad my hart feals bad dad it is birokin dad I am sarwy that you are at the hospital dad you are cool dad you have neet riteing dad."  At first it was great letter, but with her saying how she is hurt, I don't know if I can give it to him, at least not right away as it will most likely cause more guilt then love.  But she is just telling it like it is.  And she did great at it.

called the nurse back.  He gave permission.  Thank god.  She started talking about his day.  "He had a bad afternoon.  Very angry, wouldn't talk, pounding on the walls.  they gave him some med's to calm him down, and it worked.  he slept.  when he woke, he ate and drank lots and talked a bit and is curled up in his bed resting now.  He is in seclusion right now, and that is so there is no noise, now stimulation, its calm and quiet.  And while he is in there, there will be no visitations.  He will be there until they see fit.  She said that he just needs to calm down, rest and get a grip." omg.  he has never punched walls.  how bad was it?  I am bawling.  he is going through this alone I don't know how much that must hurt.  omg!  I don't want him to hurt.  I want to take it from him.  Even though I know, that these doctors and nurse deal with this all the time and should know what is best to help him improve should he choose.  But I am also worried that it is a pattern.  Get angry and mad, HAVE to take meds to calm, then sleep.  wake up calmer, start to work through life and start to get mad and hurt and angry. and start it over again.  Only time will tell.

His mom called.  did she talk to the nurse too and calling me to let me know? I answer.  She wants to see if I can come in tomorrow after work and sit down with her and rod to talk about finances and stuff.  ok....can't we do that over the phone?  I don't ask that but makes me worried when they can do something over the phone and don't want to.  she says that they are not ganging up on me, but that they don't think they have been very supportive for me and want to be.  I explain the only support I need right now, is financial.  And she says ya, so if you can come in tomorrow we can figure that out.  Still scared, still think it can be dealt with over the phone, and worried as to why they don't want to.  I have never been that close to his parents and of course that does put boundaries there.  And as much as I don't like to say it, I am a very paranoid person, I always think the worse, I always get worked up over nothing. The supervisor says she is working my station so I can go talk to the manager, and I start to get sweaty and my heart increases and I start to think, shit what did I do wrong, start evaluating the last few days, what I have said, what I have done, what I have worn.  I tell my self, its nothing.  But I get so worked up in those few minutes.  I still go through and see the manager with a smile on my face, so they don't know I am scared just in case it is something bad.  But I think those first.  and of course I am doing that now, and have a few hours to think these and will most likely try to just not think about it, so that I don't follow my own line of thinking.  And then I will just have to do it.  And I will do it.  And I will be scared.  At least until it is proven to be a safe situation.

I am on holidays starting Friday evening and so can't wait.  I need it so much, I only wish that it could come like today.  Very excited over not having to get out of bed, to sleep, to cry, to do nothing.  The manager came to me today and asked, without asking directly if I could work that week.  I said well I have two appointments on Monday, one on Tuesday and I no longer have a babysitter for that week, cause the babysitter moved her holidays to match mine.  I know that she is very short and I really really really really really don't want to go to work, I need this time off too.  But I said that if she can't I will see about Wed, Thur, and Fri.  She said she will see what the other branches can do to help.  but it seems unlikely.  So they might only have 2 tellers for the branch.  we have done those before, and it is not the 15th, but the 4th is right after the 1st, which is normally the worst day ever.  and after a weekend, but I have 2 appointments that day and wouldn't be able to switch them.  So the rest of the week though, would be manageable with only 2 tellers.  Not good, but do able.  i am not that worried about it anyways.  I don't care that much to worry about it.  

Bandaged up 4 fingers and might do one more.  they hurt and that is my fault.  But I can't stop myself.  that is my deal, I chew and can't stop and I don't care if it hurts and if it is bleeding.  I am sure that there is some deep link to pain and dealing n crap, but no one has ever looked into it so I have never changed.  I am pretty sure, in the short sense, that it is a pain I can deal with, and it is better than the mental pain.  the only problem is it is very short term, couple minutes and then I am back chewing again.  and after, when they are healing, it hurts so much and i regret what i did. especially if i have to do something, like dishes and hot water hurts those spots that are shy a few layers of skin.

well it is that time of day again, where I go and lay in bed and see if I can ignore my life enough to sleep.  I am sure tomorrow will be a bit, tiny bit, easier than today was.  which turned out to be a lot harder than I thought.  even his mom said that.  But going into the day, knowing I can't see him will make a difference, then going into the day, expecting to see him and being told no later.  but even before I knew that, it was a very hard day at work. There were more than a couple times that I wanted to scream and yell and bawl and run away and my chest hurt and I didn't care if it cost me my job.  All bad for the job and not great for me personally too.  but it was very hard.  I got through it though.  And each day will get easier, because it will become life and routine.  Right now, it is unknown and scary.  unpredictable.  And I hate that to begin with, so it is very hard for me.  i will see if I sleep well or not.  Slept pretty decent last night after taking my own anti anxiety.  However, was very tired, to tired to get up with the kids again, and I don't like doing that either.  So I wont be taking one tonight, and we will see how the night goes and the morning.  I think I am tired enough already, from the stress and fear and bawling, that I might just be able to pass out tonight. and I will take some advil as my shoulders and neck have hurt all day and don't want to worry about that while trying to sleep.  of course, those same things can keep me awake, but we will see what happens.  Night.

Monday September 27 2010

Bad sleep again.  had trouble going to sleep and didn't sleep that good.  at almost two in the morning James' mom text me "i will stay over night with James.  He will see psychiatrist doctor in the morning" "ty" Wasn't that the plan already, not sure why she is texting me that.  Wait...Did she take him in last night?  didn't wait until this morning like originally planned?  ouch, my tummy hurts.

I'm scared and lost.  I thought I dealt a bit last night, but maybe not as much as I thought I had.  It was very very hard to get out of the shower today.  I just stood there, and then when I thought I was going to leave, I saw the wall and thought that would be nice to lay on.  So i did.  And didn't want to move.  Slowly got my hair done,and makeup while debating going to work.  I don't know if i can take it, and I also don't care that much, bad combo.  I get back to my room to get dressed.  I sit at my computer instead.  I don't want to get dressed, that's so much work, even to get into Pj's to go to bed.  I sit there.  about 10 min later I remember I texted his mom about if they went in. Grab my phone and check.  yes they did.  I've just decided that I can get dressed and go in to be with him.

I ask if I should come, what is going on.  She says no wait.  I can't.  There is no way I can wait while he is there suffering, I have to be there to support him.  I drive in, cancel on work.  I get there and wait.  I get in his room and we wait.  He is supposed to be seen by a doctor by 9 and it is now after 10.  James is out of it.  They gave him some adivan and suricwil and it knocked him out.  But that's ok.  He needs sleep.  If he is sleeping, he is safe.  We sit there in his dark ER room and wait.  lunch comes and goes.  He is still sleeping.  His mom is hungry and needs to eat, so heads to the cafeteria for some food, brings it back and shares with me.  The nurse comes in the check on him.  He doesn't wake.  I have to take Irene to the doctors, so I leave and take her.  I come back and the doc still hasn't been there.  James is awake, but hasn't eaten or drank or done anything else.  He is seemingly a invalid.  Doesn't talk, doesn't move, doesn't eat, nothing.  His mom and me talk some more.  The doc finally comes, it is after 3.

He asks what is going on.  we explain.  he asks James why.  James doesn't answer.  The doc asks if he is always like this.  If we always talk for him.  Even if they take him in, they can not guarantee that he is safe, that he will live or that he will get better.  It will be up to him.  That the doc needs an invite into James' life to help.  The doc asks if James' regular doc knows about this suicide thoughts.  No.  why.  Cause James' doesn't talk about them.  "if he doesn't tell me or tells me he is fine, then what?" dunno.  The doctors says that we have to stop thinking for him, stop talking for him.  He asks what we want for him.  health, happiness, good job, family.  "what if that is not what is best for him though? Do you want what is best, or what you think he needs?"  shit that hits home.  The doc is asking if maybe the best thing for him is death?  I can't face that question really, but if that is really the best, then that is what James will do.  But.  But, is all I have.  Doc says
"you need to say goodbye to James"  what? like forever? does the doc say that he is going to die?  does the doc think that they can't help?  "you need to say good bye to the James that you know, cause what was, is no more.  he will be different from here on out and the James that you know will no longer exist." holly!  What a bomb shell.  The doc agrees to admit him and that they will take care of him, but he also reminds us that he might get better and get discharged and still kill himself.  Or he might get all better, but it will be his choice.  We decide to stay with James until he gets to his own room.  His mom needs to eat and leaves the room for a few.  I reach out and gently hold his hand.  he is crying.  I kiss his hand.  he is still crying.  I don't want to pry and I don't want to push.  I don't say anything.  His mom comes back, she see's him crying, and asks if she should leave, I say no.  She sits.  James props up his head and looks at her.  he asks for some food.  She goes and gets it.  I hold his hand again, cause he put his hand in mine.  I ask why he is crying.  He says he is scared.  I say it's ok to be scared.  He eats.  he says he is light headed.  His mom decides that it doesn't take two of us to stay and goes home.  He says he is still hungry.  I ask the nurse.  She has ordered him supper since he is admitted now.  we chat a bit about childhood memories and nothing that matters.  He eats his supper. we chat just a little bit more, and then he starts to sleep again.  I sit there waiting for them to bring him up to his room.  the nurse comes in and tells me that we are now looking at 8ish before he will get there.  that is very late.  I see if his mom can take my kids home.  she is too tired to do that.  Ok, she goes and gets them to meet at the hospital and I have to say my goodbyes to James.  As ready as I thought I was for that, I start to chew hard core on my finger.  It takes me several minutes to stand up.  and then he says goodbye and I can't spit those words out. I just hold his hand.  Couple more minutes and I can finally say "i wish you the best, I hope you get what you need" 'good bye" "good bye" "i love you" "i love you too"  I bend down and give him a small kiss.  Then one on the forehead.  I can't believe that I have to walk away from him like this, but I have too.  I have no idea what tomorrow brings.  But I know that he will get better or he will end it.  But either way, it should be over.  the fighting of it anyways.  And I do truly wish he gets what ever is best for himself.

I tell my self that I will move on for now, I will be a better mom, I will be there more for them, I will listen more, yell less and love more.  I am not leaving him. But I am going to understand that he needs to do what is best and so do I.  The doctor told us that we need to do something nice for ourselves.  we need to focus on us too.

I don't know what tomorrow will be, visiting and all that, or what we will be like, but that is for tomorrow.

Called the hospital, right now, kids aren't recommended and we have to call in advance.  and we can call to see how things are going with him.  She says that he should see me though, and that sucks, cause i don't know how do to that with my work schedule and the kids and all that?  do I keep getting babysitters, that I can't afford, to keep raising my kids while I am out visiting their daddy that they can't have or see?  I know that wont work, at least not often.  when will I find time then?

I have to let him choose.  can I do that?   I have no choice really, but....  I would physically survive should he choose to end it, but I don't want that choice.  Getting all worried and worked up again.  My shoulders hurt so much.  Breathing is getting labored a little bit, scaled maybe a 3.  Not bad, but I know it can get worse.  Especially cause now that I have no one to talk to all I can think about, is if it is best for me.  That statement will stick with me for a while.  And I really hope, that death is not what is best for him.  And I hope he remembers that life can be great and i hope that he wants that.  Even if it is not with me, I am prepared for that.  It will hurt like hell, but if he is alive and well, then I will be, eventually, ok.  I know that I need sleep, I need to go to work tomorrow and face the boss over this, since she thinks it would be better if I left this mess. No she didn't say that, what she said was "you also need to think about what is best for you and your girls" So same thing.  As my mom pointed out, if this was my legal husband would they be telling me to leave this hard situation?  I never will.  I can not walk away from someone who feels unloved and hurt and lonely in this word.  I can not walk away and show him he is right. He is not right.  Those are false thoughts.  he can, with treatment and help, change those thoughts.  I pray and pray, so many times, I prayed for him today.  Chose life.  please.  I know that he needs to do what he needs to do though.  I need to sleep.  I take advil for the pain in the head and shoulders, and rolaids for the tummy, and my own anti anxiety pills since I know that that is what the breathing and shoulder main is from.  Plus they normally put me to sleep.  and 6:30 will come to early I think.  What a day.

Saunday september 26 2010

omg.  I hate waking up.  I didn't get to bed until just about 3 last night and then I am up at 8 thirty.  My tummy starts to hurt.  I don't want to face the day, I don't want to do it alone, I don't want to see the fear, the sadness in my kids eyes.  I don't want the truth to be that we are over.  Go back to sleep.  Only for an hour at the most.  Can't sleep anymore.  Will probably be a drone today and I don't want to think about work and no sleep on Monday.  The kids arn't awake.  Should I even bother texting James?  I highly believe that there is no way he will be coming out today or babysitting.  I firmly believe that we found the breaking point.  He has made a safe haven at his parents, and doesn't feel safe here.  How can you go somewhere that you don't want to be?  And if the responsibilities pull him down, how is he going to handle babysitting?  I'm so hurt and lonely and scared.  I'm waiting for the text or email from him or his parents stating that he is done, we are done, and that's it.  I am not sure how I am going to function today.  I'm so hurt, physically and mentally.  The kids are awake now.  I don't care, they can get their own stuff and I can lie here.  I don't want to, but I don't want to do anything either.  Omg it hurts.  Is it over, actually over?  will he be strong enough to get better?  does he want to get better?  Last night sounded kinda like he didn't.  That makes if very hard to actually do it.  I email his parents in case he does start to go down hill, then they kinda have an idea of what is going on.

I text him 'hi' my stomach turns, pains goes through me.  what if he doesn't answer?  what if he doesn't want to talk?  tells me to go away?  he is on face book, so he is awake, and i am getting no response.  That hurts so much.  how long do i wait till i try again?  to i try again?  do i give up?  it trying hurting him?  I waited 7 minutes and then sent another 'hi'.  nothing.  i will stop for now.  he has stop trying, then there is nothing that I can do.

Curled up in bed, no point in getting up, I don't want to kids to see me cry all day and be depressed in front of them, so I am in bed.  My brother calls, I jump for the phone, not knowing who it is.  what to they call that, false hope?  Because it's my brother, I don't want to talk.  My brothers phone is dying, I think good.  I don't want to talk to him.  Not because I don't like my brother or that he is saying anything wrong, but because he is not James.

I feel like such a loser, a bum. I am in bed crying and my oldest is taking care of her sister and herself.  I know that that is not right, that's my job.  But, I don't feel it, I don't feel like trying right now.  I want to, I want to do those things that I am supposed to, but I can't see them going well, so why bother.

He's not coming.  No he hasn't said that, but if he was up till 7 this morning and doesn't wake up till supper, and then feels that the same thing will happen that happened yesterday.  he will be to scared to come.  I am going to try and step back again.  I don't know for how long or if it will even work at all.  but if he comes, I will not talk to him about anything other than non emotional matters.  Or at least nothing about his social stuff.  I do need to know if he is babysitting still though.  But I am not expecting any thing from him today, so i will most likely text him before bed and ask, and see.  I am expecting it not to work out.  I am hoping beyond hope that he doesn't stay focused on yesterday, and decides to move forward, to get better. and wants to try.

2 thirty in the afternoon and he texts me that he can't watch the kids next week.  Makes me cry.  I knew it.  I just knew it.  He says he is not up to it.  for fuck sakes.  I don't know if it is cause I pushed him?  is it my fault that they don't get to see him, is it cause I asked hard questions, is it cause he isn't getting better and wasn't anyways?  is it my fault? again?  did he make something he wanted without dealing and coping again?  it hurts.  Now everyone will suffer again.  when is he supposed to deal with life?  when is he supposed to be strong enough to talk about these things?  I have been so nervous all day, that I have been ripping me own skin around my fingers off.  It hurts, and I don't care.  That is what I do when I am very nervous.  I chew my fingers and pull at them.  and I don't care, I know they will hurt and I know they look ugly, and I don't care, I can't stop. "k. how is ur day?" 'Crappy" "wanna tell me" "nothing much has changed from last night" 'ok, do you need professional help" "probably, but doubt i will find any on a Sunday" "suicide hot line might know" "meh" well ok then.  again he shows no interest in getting better.  doesn't even seem to care that he wants to kill himself, doesn't seem to think that's bad any more.  I"m so scared.  did we just lose him?  I can't.  I can't breath and live with out him.  NO!  This can't be the way it is going to end.  dear god please no.  How could he ever think that that would make things better.  he can get better, life can be good, he has dont it before dammit, why doesn't he want it again?  omg, this can't be happening.  I ask about visiting.  No answer.  I ask again minutes later.  No answer.  I ask him to answer me please minutes after that.  no answer.  very scared.  Has he given up?  I ask if he is safe half hour later.  He says yes.  I ask him what he did last night while he wasn't sleeping, no answer.  that hard to say he was playing a game?  or was he looking up ways to die?  why wouldn't he say what he was doing?

The phone rings, maybe its him, doesn't want to text.  It's his house.  shit.  not him, but his parents.  shit.  Did he do something already?  I answer. "hello" 'hi you.  How are you?" "ok" "yeah I can see, he isn't doing that good either.  but just wanted to deal with the finances here before monday."  i know he isn't doing that well.  but for her to know, that's bad. I give her his account number.  She says that she is keeping a close eye on him today and that he didn't want to talk to her either.  Again that's bad, cause he almost always talks to her.  if he doesn't get better, they are going to call mental health and see what we can/should do.  I mention that we were texting and what he was saying and that he didn't want to call suicide hot line.  She sighs and says that he didn't take his pill this morning.  I know he didn't take his pills before he left.  and that he didn't want to last night.  I say this, she says that he says that he did take them last night.  I wonder if he is lying.  Why would he lie about it when he says that he is not going to take his morning pill though.  I tell her that I am worried that without his anti depressants and anti anxiety and all that, then his thoughts will get worse.  and that maybe he needs to be admitted.  She says, yes, that's why they will call and if he wants to go in, they will take him.  she says hang in there, and to let them know if I know anything that they need to know.  I agree.

Is this my life?  my husband in a nut house because of the stress of being my husband?  will he get better there?  how long before he is tired of being sick before he starts to try and get better?  we talking a year?  what about the bills?  what happens to someone that gets admitted?  can they have visitors?  would I want to take the kids there?  would he want us?  would he be safe there?  omg I hate this.  I start to bawl my head off.  This is what it is right now, suicide watch. o.m.g.  I can't stop crying.  How am I supposed to live?  How am I supposed to get up and cook and go to work and be fine knowing that I could get the one phone call that I will never live through at any time?  How am I supposed to be the mom that my kids need when I can't move? 

After crying some more and starting to pass out, I try to get Doris to do up supper, but she doesn't want to do it herself.  I understand that, and I shouldn't even be asking her.  I tell her if she helps, I will do supper.  So we do it together, Irene even gets pulled into helping.  And it was a very yummy supper.  Doris didn't eat that much.  A little worried.  I will keep an eye on that.  I don't need her to start getting worried and not eating.  I even manage to do up the laundry while the girls do dishes.  I kinda like them doing the dishes.  One washes, one dry's.  both help me.  I like it.  talk to some friends, doesn't help that much, just makes it more of a reality.  I keep trying to text him.  Odd things.  the weather, movies.  That I love him.   I get nothing back.  does he really want me to leave him alone?  for how long?  forever?  does he want to be with me as my boyfriend anymore?  Should I give up and walk away?  what would that show him and my kids? when it gets hard, give up.  Doris comes to say good night.  I remind her that she can talk to me at anytime about anything.  she says i know.  I say is there anything you want to talk about?  she tells me that she can't keep living like this, she can't handle it. did she over hear my talks with my friends?  where did she get that from? "what can't you handle?  living like what?" "we had our dad leave now we have this dad leave" "he's not gone yet" "i know, he went to get better, but it feels the same"  " i know" "will he ever get better?" "i dunno" "will he ever come home" "not if he doesn't get better"  "will we see aunty and all them again? will great grampa still send presents?"  "if we are not a family with his family anymore, then probably not." "oh"  we talk some more about life and bills and money and I explain that these are my worries, not her's. 

 I hate this, I can't stand not knowing what is going on, not when it has something to do with me, or can affect me.  I have no idea if he is ok, or if this is what he wants, to not be with me anymore.  His mom email stating that he is going to call his doctor.  That's good, but why?  Just to tell his doctor that he isn't better?  is it to try and get admitted?  She emails back that her goal is admittance.  is that his goal?  is that what he will ask for?  what if the doc says no?  will he fight for it?  will he be ok?  what if he doesn't even call?  I'm so lost and scared right now.  I hope that I can sleep tonight but I wonder what time it will be and I can't keep missing work.  I am to train the new guy tomorrow and they are short staffed and need me.  But I don't want to, I don't want to deal.  he friend signs online, I ask her to text him and see if it is just me he is ignoring.  soon it shows that she is away and I get now answer.  Is it me?  does anyone want to help me?  is there something wrong with me?  what can I do that will be better?  how do I get better?  can i?

try again.  I text James "r u ok?"  no response.  why isn't he answering me?  he answered that one earlier.  Is he ashamed?  or is he done with me?  I text one final text "'let me be there for you.  i fucking hate this!  ur hurt, im hurt, and u shut me out.  I have to call around just to see if ur alive!  Don't shut me out.  it hurts us both.  I need u.  I want you.  Please....I'm begging.  Don't shut me out." I'm praying and hoping that I will get an answer.  But I don't expect one.  I half expect to hear a break up text.  That he can't, he wont, that we are done, he will come and get his stuff and all that.  i'm bawling again.  how am I going to live me life like this?

He texts me @ quarter to 11. "i am really hating life now it seems i can't escape it by sleeping" 'i love you, very much.  tell me anything u want. please." "i think i might get mom to take me in tonight.  I think I figured out how to kill myself now i'm afraid I might do it"  oh shit.  I call him mom.  His mom says she is staying with him for the night and not to worry about it.  are you serious?  how can you not be worried or scared shitless when he says he knows how to do it?  He knows that she is there and would plan for that.  omg.  OMG.  I start to lose it, I am crying my head off, I can't calm down.  He says "i am done with taking my meds too"  "ok, no meds, ok.  wanna tell me how?" "i'm tired of hurting people all the time and of ppl having to worry about me. No, cause if i can't get help this time there will be no next time"  OMG.  OMG. i am freaking out.  I can't get control.  he will still need to work even in the hospital, and he doesn't he will do that?  omg, it can't go this way?  He can't do this to me.  This can't be the way it ends?  can his mom actually help him by being there?  will I get a call in the morning?  omg.  I can't do this, no, it can't happen.  And he wont tell me so that I can save him?  he doesn't want to be saved? OMG.  please god save him.  I can't live with out him.  I can't.  I will lose it.  " i love u.  What kind of help do u want?  wanna tell me more?  I couldn't live without u.  That would hurt the most.  please I love u." "i want something other than just being handed a script for meds that don't work" "that's ok.  That's good.  I agree" 'i am tired of just going along with the drs, it has seemed to get me now where"  OMG, but the doctor's have told him things that he needs to do like moodgym.com and other things that he had to do, to get better.  omg, what does he think he can get?  what is he looking for?  "ok.  Now what?"  "they don't seem to take me serious.  Maybe if i stop eating or talking or something they will" "I love u.  I'm listening, I take you serious" "i know" "I am all ur's.  I am putty in ur hands for ur voice.  wanna tell me more?"  "ok, i love u.  anytime, day or night, i'm here.  I love u with everything I have."  I'm so numb now.  I am not crying anymore.  but I can't feel anything else either.

Saturday September 25 2010

I wake at 5 the first time.  that is so not happening.  but even then, I hate my life, cause he is not beside me.  There is no point in getting up.  I go back to sleep.  I start to wake for the day at 9.  I still see no point in getting up.  I feel so down today, and don't care.  I have no idea whats going on or why nothing is going right.  I know that I have to get up, I have to go to the post office that is open till noon and get a parcel that is in.  I think it might be the book that I ordered as it is the only thing that I have ordered.  And I know that today is the only day that I will be able to pick it up.  But I don't care, I don't want to get up, I don't want to do anything, I don't care.  I'm so hurt, and there is nothing that I can do about it.  even if he explains it to me, and I understand, it wont make the hurt go away.  Will the hurt ever go away?  What will our life be like after this?  even if he comes home, we wont forget, how will it be different?  will we be better?  will he talk, will I be nicer?  I have tears this morning, been a couple days for that, but I had to be alone again, and wake up alone and be hurt, and I have to deal with it, cause I can't talk to my best friend about it.  I know that I have to get out of bed soon, I have to get that parcel.  But I am waiting until, I have to have to.  Last minute.  My friend texts me, asking if I want company.  ok, when.  after 5, ok.  "do you need supper" 'we might just head out there at noon" "ok, will you be staying the whole afternoon?"  worried now that James wont come if she is here again.  I text him morning.  I will text him or tell him, if he calls, that she is here and bringing someone that I have never met.  Chances are that this will be another day without him. and I will have to face that and deal with that.  Right now I have to choose my friends or him.  But he has not actually said, I can come if they are not there, so I have not actually had to do that.  But I know that it does come to that some times. But if he doesn't tell me that it is a problem I can't make it go away.  And I can't guess, or mind read, he has to talk to me about it if it is a problem.  of just simple say 'its a problem"  I am sure that he doesn't cause he doesn't want to make me choose and he doesn't want the guilt of me choosing.  or maybe fear that I wont choose him.  I will wait for him to text, I can always ask my friends to leave if my friends are already here when he finally texts me about today.  And who know, maybe he wont come at all and then at least I will have my friends.  what a crazy life.   I hate it so much right now.

So depressed right now.  I don't care about anything or anyone.  All I want is my life back.

he texts me.  "hey" "hi" " what's up?"  "not much, u?" "not a whole hell of a lot just got out of bed" "that's good.  What time did u go to bed?  did u email me those symbols from bed?" "I went to sleep around 2 and yes I sent them from bed" "what time did u wake?  Good drive last night?" "I was awake just before noon it was a good drive, the roads were pretty empty" "raining?" "nope" "that's good.  So wanna explain?"  "let me finish my breakfast then I'll try" "ok" "alright the biggest reason was that i was scared of what would happen in the morning.  I also needed my morning meds" "What would have been scary in the morning?  having meds, good idea.  What would have been scary in the morning?"  " I don't know exactly.  Mornings are still bad for me, I guess I was worried that you would get mad when I didn't get up in the morning, I had fear of leaving the girls."  "fears of leaving the girls?  in the morning, u mean?" "yeah" "why r morning so bad for u?  still i guess is what I mean.  But i left them last night and every day, what would have been different?"  I wake up and I'm anxious then I have to get control" "how long does it take to get control?  does staying in bed make the anxiety go away?  just the act of staying in bed without trying to fix it?  do u know what ur anxious over every morning?" "it gets harder and harder to say good bye.  Last night I didn't feel that I could do it.  I lie in bed doing breathing exercises and anything else to get my mind off my anxiety.  I don't know what I'm anxious over"  "ok.  So what r u going to do about that?  anyway to make it easier?  Cause you were capable of doing it last night, leaving that is." "i don't know"  "does staying in bed make the anxiety go away, just the act of staying in bed with out trying to fix it?"  "eventually" "do u try and figure out what is bothering u every morning?" " i think it is just the stress of a new day"  "new day? what are stresses of a new day?"  I believe at this point that it is anything that is remotely like responsibilities.  If he lies in bed long enough, then there is nothing that needs to be done cause it will all be done, then he can get up.  each morning he wakes, he knows he is supposed to do things, and he doesn't want to.  "stresses may not be the right word" "ok, what is then?" "the thoughts of what I have to do" " ok.....would this work better if u cam e out here and we talked?" "Probably but I don't know if I can make it out there" "why" "I'm sitting about an 8 or 9 right now" "ok...that is hat u were at taekwondo the other day....were u that high when u were driving to and from?  How does it affect ur driving?" "I wasn't that high when I was driving.  I am agitated right now too, not the best combination.  What if I come out there later after I calm down?" "It's ur choice.  U do what u want/need to do.  Why r u agitated? do u want to do supper?  or after?" "I don't know I think its from pushing myself.  I was thinking supper if I can get calmed down by then." "ok, what r u pushing urself doing?" "answering questions' "ok, so what do u want to do about that?" "I am going to relax and not answer questions for awhile."  "ok.  just one more.  would it bother u if my friend and one of hers came out for supper too?  it's ok to say that it would. but need to know so they can make other plans if needed" "no it won't bother me" "Ok. ty. i love u.  relax. breath.  we all want to see u later.  we miss u.  we love u.  get better." "ok luv u too"  Well that didn't really help me that much.  So thinking about life make him scared.  well, how the hell do you fix that? 

My friends come and go, don't stay for supper.  I let James know.  I texts back that he is thinking about coming out soon, I say ok, supper is at 5:30ish.  He gets here.  I can tell not a great day.  he takes his time coming in, plays with the dog on the stairs, and stay's there after the dog is gone for a few minutes.  that's not good.  The girls are watching a movie.  James sits down with them.  I continue getting supper ready.  I want to ask him to help, but that is a stress of a day, so I don't and I would do it by myself if he wasn't there, so I can do it by myself when he is there.  Supper is done, he doesn't look any better.  I move on to making some cupcakes.  Crap out of something.  Ask Doris to run to the store.  Irene wants to go.  they even take the dog.  I can't keep making cupcakes till they get back.  I know it might backfire, but I can't stop myself.  I sit down and ask if he wants to talk.  I try to understand a bit more, about driving while anxious, the meeting with the councilor, he can't remember, I ask if her recorded it somehow.  nope, forgot.  Ask how he is going to get better if he is not doing the things that he is supposed to be doing to get better? don't know.  he say's he doesn't understand the websites. I ask if he needs help, maybe.  my help? maybe.  he is scared that he will get better.  wtf.  not sure about that, if he stays sick, he can hide away and not worry?  I say, ok. why?  'because i might still have panic attacks' 'will you have them if you don't get better' 'yes' but only might if you get better' 'i guess so'  he is very agitated and stressed.  he is shaking and tensed up, not making eye contact. 'what do you want?' 'i want to run' great, now i have made him want to run away because I am the only person willing to dig and try to find out why, so that they don't happen again, the root of the problem.  "its your choice, no one is making you stay here"  the girls are watching a movie downstairs at this point.  I debate about calling them up to say goodbye, whether or not he would want to see him like this or not.  I follow him to the stairs.  I am about to call the girls when I change my mind.  He is sitting on the bottom step putting on his shoes.  I sit on the next step and wrap my arms around him.  I lay my head on his back.  He continues to get ready, putting on the other shoe and grabbing some things to take home.  I don't let go.  I don't squeeze and all that either.  But I decided he will have to ask me or move my arms, or something cause I don't want to let him go and I think he needs to feel the love.  he starts to cry.  I don't move.  He drops his stuff, grabs his shoes off of his feet and stand up, breaking my hug, and heads to my bedroom.  I follow him.  He is laying down crying hard into the bed.  I lay with him and cuddle him.  I don't say anything.  a few minutes later, I hear the kids. Their movie is done.  I don't want them to see him like this and I don't think he wants to be seen like this. I  get up and close the door.  I get them all ready for bed and start to finish making the cupcakes.  I have the mixer going, and it is very loud.  Just about done, just mixing the icing and the cupcakes are in the oven.  I stop the mixer to get some more ingredients.  i hear my phone being texted.  I walk over to my computer room and pick it up to see, two texts.  I open them.  Its James, " i need to talk.  why did this happen to me?  I can't handle this."  I am already in bed when my phone goes off once more "If I wasn't so weak I probably would have killed myself"  I tell him I'm here.  He says "wanna know why I took off my shoes?" "why" "cause I wouldn't have made it home" "why" "cause I would have done something stupid.  I hate this, I can't handle it anymore, I can't do it, I don't want this anymore."  "why didn't you do it' 'what"  " why didn't you leave and kill yourself?" "i dunno" "cause you didn't want to die" "it would make it all go away"  we try and talk so more, but he moans and groans about how he can't handle it, he can't deal with it, doesn't want to anymore.  I start to get scared, thinking I am going to have to be on suicide watch all night, what if he goes into the kitchen for something, I am not physically strong enough to stop him.  I start thinking about all who I can call to help.  His parents and 911 seem to be my only options.  He starts to have trouble breathing.  I tell him to breath, in and out, in and out, in through the nose and out through the mouth, like the paramedics said.  "I don't want to breath" "then don't" he tries to hold his breath till he passes out, but fails.  And I am sure he sees them as failures too.  he starts to have more trouble breathing and gasping for breath.  crap.  I get a little louder, a little more dominant. "Breath! In and OUT!  Breath!  C'mon James, In and OUT." he seems to not hear me, or can't  or wont.  I tell him I am going to have to call someone if he doesn't calm down.  He doesn't.  I start to look for the house phone, not my cell phone.  I have to walk over to his side of the bed to get the phone, that is right beside him.  I reach, and grab his face.  he jumps a bit.  I get more, breath.  In and out.  Cmon James.  In and OUT.  yes you can, you did it for the paramedics.  In and out.  I start to rub his chest, up of in and down for out.  get him to concentrate on something.  He doesn't calm down.  I keep at it.  about 20 minutes he is better, not all better, just a bit better, he is not as violently gasping for air.  He is trying to hold his breath again.  I keep at it, in and out.  He rolls over. I rub his back, same way.  In and out.  I ask about his ativan.  He doesn't say anything, and I don't know where it is, or if he brought it even.  He finally starts to calm down.  I ask what he wants.  To leave. to hide.  Ok.  he gets calmed down enough to breath mostly normal.  He gets sitting up.  I get off the bed and come around to the other side now.  I ask same worries as yesterday.  don't know.  ok..  Why are you worried about staying? "don't' know"  "why do you want to leave" "so I can hide and stay in bed and not have to worry about doing anything" Responsibilities.  He doesn't want to do anything, no responsibilities.  How the hell is he ever going to get better if he never wants responsibilities? that's all a family is!!  I get so mad.  I clench my jaw.  I look at the wall. I want to punch it.  I tell me self, no.  Not the time or the place.  RESPONSIBILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am off the bed and punching the wall before I can do anything about it.  I might have slowed it down at the last second, as I mostly slid my fist across the wall then anything.  I am fuming. we are done.  he can't handle to the family.  I told him so, I told so many people.  He can`t do it.  I am pacing in and out of the room and in front of the bed, from one wall the the other, I am still fuming.  I want to punch again.  I clench my jaw and my hands.  I feel my nails dig into my hands.  James jumped back onto the bed into the fetal position when I did the punch.  Shit, now I have pushed him back down again.  I feel pain.  I release my hand.  I am shaking.  I drop my phone so I don`t wreck it.  I look at my hand.  My middle knuckles on three fingers are missing skin.  I relax a bit.  I check the wall.  No damage.  there is a red streak though.  I check my knuckles again.  Just skin missing, not real blood.  red streak must have been nail polish.  I check the wall again.  No dents even.  Good.  I relax a bit more.  James is laid out on the bed.  I ask if he is ok. `mm` "I'm sorry.  did that scare you?" " no" I tell him, he should really try that though, great stress reliever and walls can be fixed and even bones if you do it right.  He is stiff and not moving and might be breathing wrong.  Crap.  Is he not leaving now?  I need sleep too and I can't handle it either.  I am strong, but sometimes, not strong enough.  "you were ready to leave right' 'yes" "did that stop you" "mmm" what is his problem?  Is he worried about me killing myself or hurting my self now that he saw that?  Is he worried about me hurting him?  Yes and no.  'why are you worried about me?" 'mm" "are you worried that I will kill myself?" "no" "are you worried that your hurting me?" "yes" "but that's always and I'm fine, I can deal with my pain.  you can go ask the stove if you want" he doesn't say anything.  He is sitting up.  Not moving now.  I ask him if I should move.  Does he think I will block his path?  No, ok.  he gets up.  Gets his glasses, I ask if he is ok to drive.  yes.  I watch him leave.  leaving finally put a smile on his face.  I sit there on the stairs trying to breath myself.  he's gone. and he might not ever come back after that.  Since he can't feel safe here, cause he can't hide from us.  I think that we just found out that we are done.  Even if he can get better, I have no idea how long that will take and if he could/would want responsibilities.  I hurt and I'm numb.  I don't know how to give up on him, and I don't know what to do to walk away.  Should I wait for him to say that?  will he ever?  If he does I will be devastated.  Holly hell.  My life royally sucks and I can't do anything about it.  I can make it hurt more, I can walk away and watch him get better without us, I can hurt him and me and the kids.  I can leave our house and try to move on.  I can cause pain.  I'm good at that.

Friday September 24 2010

TGIF.  We have a movie night planned.  Doris is taking us out for supper, that we will bring home and all of us watch a movie.  Then James will leave and my night will suck.  I already know this.  Cause I still hate this.  I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  And I am still scared and worried.  Even today, my heart aches and my chest hurts and my tummy gets queasy.  I am still scared that it wont work out.  I know all the things he is doing is so that he can be with us, and so that proves that he does want to be with us.  But I just can't shake the feeling that he just doesn't know what he really wants.  or maybe what he needs.  Maybe he wants all of us, but maybe that is not what he needs.  Hence the reason he is not living with us, but could that ever get better?  He only got worse the longer he lived with us.  The more responsibilities that came with living with us, became to much and he slowly continued to get worse.  And that is proof.  I am scared that he will get better, move home and start to go down again.  then with the realization that a family and family life, house, dog, mortgage, that might all be to much for him.  Of course this is not what I want, or hope for.  But as my body keeps telling me, it is what I am expecting.  I hope that he gets better than he has ever been, although his parents say that he has never been this bad before, so that is a very hard leap.  I hope that he can keep up with all that he has learned and will continue to learn, although he has never once in his entire life taken it upon himself to research this or to find coping methods before.  I hope that he can be the happiest that he has ever been, no matter what path he needs to take.  I hope that we can do all that together, I hope that the kids make him smile again, I hope that he does want to grow old with me, I hope that we are enough to make him stronger in keeping him self healthy in all aspects.  Time will show that, and I will just have to wait and see.  Lets see how tonight goes.

Discovered that more of my fear was for seeing the psyciatrist.  I have never been fond of counciling and I dont like it when someone tells me that my choices are wrong.  But I think that I need to talk to someone smarter than me, so I go.  I am so nervous I shake the whole time I'm there.  Don't know if he noticed.  I lay out everything, James and both girls and work, everything that I have been having problems with and that take the whole first session.  He rebooks for October 5 and says he has to figure out where to start, cause, wow, that's alot.  I laugh nervously, cause, don't I know it.

James meets us at the babysitter and we head to Wendy's for supper.  Doris is buying supper for all of us with her savings.  James seems pretty good, can't see that much stress or anything.  We get our food and head home.  One kid with me and one with him.  He drives his own truck because he is not spending the night and since it will be late after the movie I wont have to drive him home.  We get home, finish eating, Irene has a shower, and we start the movie.  "how to train your dragon"  it was pretty good.  we all sat there and watched it.  Movie was over and Doris asks James if he will be here in the morning.  I sit there, don't answer, adrenaline surges through me.  I don't want him to go, I want him to take me in his arms and take me to bed.  I don't know if that is the best thing, but that is what I want.  But I also haven't wanted this from the beginning.  And I know that he wants to stay, but how badly does he want to stay and will he?  He says, I dunno, we will see.  Is he really considering staying?  if he spends one night, how hard will be it be for him to go back to his parents?  We finish getting the kids to bed.  I check somethings on the computer and call James over to visit, so that he is not left on the couch thinking he is alone and unwanted.  He comes over and sits by me, I am jumping websites looking for pictures for the babysitter.  I close one down and the next tab that opens is my blog.  crap.  I don't know if he is ready for that.  That is why I have not offered it to him yet.  I don't think he can handle my problems yet.  I grab another tab and then open up a new search.  I don't know if her realized it was my blog or his or thought it was someone else.  I'm scared now that he might go home read it and crash hard because of it.  He is not leaving yet, I can see he is tired.  I am very tired.  But I am not going to ask him to leave, and I am not going to ask him to stay.  It has to be his choice.  After chit chatting a bit, I need to go to bed, with or with out him.  So I ask, what are you doing? "i dunno" "ok, well I'm going to bed"  I go and get into PJ's.  He hasn't moved.  I can see that he wants to stay.  I go to my bedroom and start making the bed.  He comes in,  I think that he is going to join me, he says that he is going back to his parents.  for fuck sakes!!!  what is so wrong with staying?  why is he choosing that?  why does he think that's better?  "ok"  what else can I say?  He gathers his things, I follow cause I have to lock up after him.  I tell him that he will have to explain that one to me tomorrow "explain what?'  "why you are not staying" "oh...er..umm." "tomorrow" "ok"  He has all his things and is walking out the door.  I ask about tomorrow, if he knows what time he is coming out, if he is coming out?  He says he doesn't know.  Ouch.  Is he not planning on coming out tomorrow or only answering the first part of the question.  He leaves.  I'm so hurt.  I'm calling him every name in the book in my head, why didn't he stay?  I'm so tired that I just pass out.

Thursday September 23 2010

my day, ok.  His day, not so much.  His anxiety was high today.  He emailed me about it at work.  Was very proud of him.  He wrote that he breathing worked.  That's awesome.  Texted a bit at lunch about nothing.  He was awake at nine thirty, was proud again. But he wasn't out of bed till noon ish.  Well, its a start, and you have to start some where.  And that he was still going to see us later.  That was even better.  even with his anxiety getting high, he still said he was coming.  So very proud.  I did also realize that if it gets worse he might cancel.  and that would totally suck.  I think that would hurt him more than us though.  And so that thought does scare me.

Get a little nervous after work, but manage to eat my sandwich, not my tomato or peas, but the sandwich is healthy, so that's ok.  Get to taekwondo, I don't see his truck.  My nervousness goes up a notch.  We are early though, and Doris needs water.  So we walk over to the store to get water.  walking back I scan the parking, still don't see his truck.  Crap.  Did it get to bad?  He didn't text me, is it that bad that he can't?  Doesn't want to?  Then I notice a truck that looks like him down the other street.  It is his truck.  thank goodness.  He did make it.  Crap, he is by himself in there, how hard is that on him?  I hope it is not that bad.  Get in there, I see its hard.  He is stiff and worry eyed.  Not that good, but he is still here.  That's good, he is pushing himself.  And I have to trust him that he knows his limits.  I ask his scale, about an 8 or 9.  That's kinda high, but he shrugs his shoulders, no big deal.  Ok, then I won't make it a big deal.  we talk a bit, about nothing really.  Help Irene with her homework and then time to go.  He gets hugs and kisses from the kids and me, and we say talk later.

He calls and we chat.  Get some more plans and things figured out.  Like the responsibilities that he is supposed to be doing at his parents place.  There was some confusion there, but we talked and cleared it up.  And he is ok with it.  He was going to work on the garage and stairs at his parents and I though that he would start doing some of the things that he would be doing here, cleaning the kitchen, dishes, sweeping the floor, laundry, cooking.  So I asked him, what he saw as a regular day out here.  He described cleaning and cooking.  I asked if he was worried about those chores then, aren't those the chores that he should be practicing?  yep.  Ok.  That's good.

He still wants to babysit starting next week.  this sounds amazing to me.  And it will for sure push him, to see if he can handle the kids by himself.  Their are a couple nights where he will have to do supper for them too.  I hope that it is not to much to fast. and I hope that if it is, that he doesn't go down because of it.  I is at least making himself sounds strong, which is a good thing.  And I have to trust him that he knows what he can and can't do and that he can deal with not being able to do something.  That will prove to be one of the biggest challenges that I foresee.  We finish making plans for tomorrow and I make sure to let him know that I have a friend coming out for the night time on the weekend, but she is not supposed to be there during the day.  We say goodnight and love you.  I get ready and go to bed.