38 weeks

This still seems crazy. 38 weeks pregnant. We are going to have a baby.  A real live baby.... I feel her move around and cant believe it still.  She moves so much.  Nothing like my other two.  And James seem ok too.  Or he is holding it in really well lol.  He doesnt seem overly excited like our oldest, squeeling and jumping up and down.  But he doesnt seem depressed either.  Currently the home inspection business isnt doing so good, slow time and he never reay got his name out as much as he wanted either.  He manahed to get lucky and get a part time job here in our little town that was very flexible and understanding.  So if he gets an inspection he can go to it.  Even days like today when Irene had to go to the dermatologist for the virus she has, James aas able to take the whole day off. He has been doing really really good for the most part.  He knows he has to deal with things and the pot helps too.  That might have been the saviour all along.  It has allowed him to calm down when needed and think rationally though some of the panic and stress.  Dont get us wrong, if he can avoid things like the mall, he will.  But he doesnt worry about going as much if he has to go.  Which leads to a better time there, because he isnt as worried about it to start with!  And he knows he can step out side and smoke if it ever came down to it too.  But he has had a lot more good and even decent days versus bad days for sure.  I think he is excited about the baby and that could be why he is having more good days than bad days too.  

It is exciting of course, a new life, kinda a new start for us too.  I think it will being us all together even closer as a family.  And i think we are pretty close as it is.  We talk and joke about many things.  Doris is 13 now and wants to date or at least is seeing boys that way.  We are comfortable enough to joke with her about sex and although it currently embarrases the crap out of her, she knows that we dont ever want her to think she cant come and talk to us about anything.  Ever.  So i think this baby will solidify our family unit as one.  And i cant wait for that.  Not that you can really feel any gaps, but split families often have them and i think there are a few, but very very small, and this will seal them for us.  That makes me really happy and i can only hope that it will help James as well!  If he feels more like a real father and not a step dad he may feel more comfortable and understanding too.  Bring on the happiness my little one :):)

Still weird

It is still hard to imagine another baby girl.  Im always scared something us going to happen and it wont come true.  I havent and wont tell James, he would try and take it on instead of just listening :(. Thats one of his down falls.  He cant seem to just listen, he always tries to solve it and then he will stress over trying to solve someone elses problem.  And something like my stupid worry, he cant solve.  I just have to live through this and see if nothing happens or if something does.  I will still have to live through it.  I remember when Irene was born, i had a similar worry.  I didnt bond with her for the first month because I had the worst feeling that she was not going to be here for long.  That she was going to die.  I'm not physic or anything but, i have only ever envisioned my life with two girls.  So hows does three fit in?  Im so worried that it will still be two girls :(. Amd not that i'm having a boy, but that something bad will happen and we will lose one of my children.  How does a person get over that?  Sigh... A few more months and maybe once baby gets here I will be able to get over it.  Love conquerors all right? 

Its a girl!!

Lol, not what James had hoped for and I wonder if he feels more disconnected now that its a girl.  Of course like any good parent you say it doesn't matter, but we all have a preference andget disappointed   when we don't get what we want. I am worried that he will bond differently with his own child versus my girls and i am worried that they will notice and resent him a bit.  I also realize that im sure its natural.  He has been through it all with this child and will het the instant bond that he obviously didn't with my girls.  But that doesn't mean that he couldn't work on making it just as strong.  I hope that their love for this child will help bring is together more as a whole family too.  That is really what i hope for and want.  Of course i have no idea what i will get.  But i hope their is enough love that i have shared and raised my girls with that this will only strengthen their relationship with James as their father and bring them that much closer together.  Just like a real dad and daughter :).  

Oh the fears of parenthood.  I have so many with this baby that I didn't have with my girls.  Even that phrase might have to change a bit.  It cant just mean Doris and Irene, so I will have to make that adjustment too.  Simple things like that have me worried, but big things too. I remember being so scared that Irene was going to die on me and it took longer to bond with her than it should have.  And i worried again too.  I have only ever seen two girls in my future, not that I'm physic or anything, but sometimes you just know.  Like how i knew my first two babies where girls before they where born.  And so here is born the fear that i will lose one of my children.  According to many God only gives you what you can handle, and i dont know if i could handle it.  I think the only way i could, would be because of their surviving siblings.  Otherwise, i know i would not be able to handle losing a child.  But i dont know what life has in store for me and the only way to know is to move forward.

Still so surreal

I still cant seem to fully believe that I am pregnant.  I was so worried about James and how he would do, but like our wedding he is doing better than me.  His work is getting better too, he is working enough to cover his own bills, not enough to cover all the bills yet, but I guess thats what breaking into the industry will do for you.  We just need to keep working on it.

The first trimester has not been fun, i have been sick and tired and more than normal migraines because that happens from the hormones. Eating can be a challenge some days still.  Because of this I have spent most of my home time in bed and doing nothing.  I havent spent a lot of time outside of work and home because i dont feel good most days :(.  

I literally still question in this is really happening or if its some cruel trick some how.  I have seen the ultrasound i know its real, it just doesn't feel real.  And I'm sure this isnt what James  signed up for either.  

I know i am excited for him to feel the baby kick and enjoy some of those neat things, but its hard to enjoy it when im worried that its not real.  I want to.  I am even trying to pray, jesus take the wheel, kinda idea.  Let whatever happens happens, because im strong enough to deal with whatever comes.  Or at least i hope i am :(.

Wow

Is this real? Sure doesn't feel like it. Will it destroy or improve like i figure? Only time will tell of course. So so surreal, even though i always envisioned i never thought it would actually come true... And now i am scared. What if i was wrong? God i hate the whats right for you and whats right for everything else isn't always the same thing. Did we do the right thing? If he thought he was strong enough to handle this, how does he think he isnt strong enough for everything else? So worry about the outcome of this now...

Still a work in progress

Well James is licensed and ready to rock and roll. The only problem is no one is calling :(. Its not helping right now either. I see him struggling with pushing and selling himself daily, he just wants to get out there and do it. He is scared that he cant, but he still wants to too. Now the more time that passes the more he worries though. He is having rougher days right now and i think that is the biggest reason. Our honey moon was amazing and we both enjoyed ourselves a lot. It helped to show him what we can have if he pushes himself, and it helped. But now if course with all the hopes and dreams that he had being washed away from no one calling he isnt moving forward very fast. Seeing that we cant even consider these thing right now is only pushing his depression more.

The kids are gettin older and need/want more activities and that is not helping him either. He doesnt always handle the responsibilities well. Especially if something goes wrong. Bit Irene has nothing right now and its not fair. She gets to watch her sister do Taekwondo three nights a week and she cant do anything. Mostly because we cant afford it. And that drains in everyone. But she is nine now and needs something to focus on too, or she could turn to other things, maybe not now, but she is already kinda a bully at school and i could see it going badly if she didnt have something to focus her energy on.

I dont have the time i want to even blog anymore. This is my life, work work work. Back to the grind :(