Woke up, very tired. Irene most likely has a bladder infection. She suffers from Chronic bladder infections and stool holding. She has been acting out very badly these last 3 weeks, and I am sure, that the home life has had some effect. She has had dirty underwear from the stool holding almost everyday for 3 weeks. So it seems inevitable that she would get a bladder infection. She is not going to school today. I realize that she and I don't have to be up yet. I ask Doris if she can handle getting to school on her own, she says yes. I go back to bed for an hour. The sleep felt great.
Get up, get Irene up. Get dressed and ready to go. We have breakfast and I realize that it is hard for me to eat. It hurts to eat and I don't like it. I realize I am scared. I am still very scared, that he won't actually be able to handle the responsibilities of a wife and 2 kids. My tummy hurts. I want to puke. My neck hurts, shoulders hurt. I know I am stressed and nervous and scared, but I can only wait for this one. So I stay stressed.
If feels like everything is shitting on me right now. My child is having problems, my spouse is having problems, my job is having problems, my finances are hooped. My chest hurts so much right now. I just want to run away from it all, I can't seem to find any reason, any happiness. I need a hug, I need my kids, I need my family, and right now, I can't have them. And no one seems to care. I hate my life right now, and have no idea what to do to change it. That leaves me so lost and confused and disorientated.
Get to work. getting very dizzy and drinking water makes me feel short of breath, like I can't breath. Is that what it feels like right before someone passes out and faints? I am sure the dizzy is from lack of sleep. I tell myself that I will be in bed early tonight. I also tell myself that I will make time for just Irene today, I don't know what we will do, but we will call it Irene time. So she feels special. She doesn't have an activity like Doris, and she is showing it, by her lying and stool holding. But money is an issue, so I can't get her into anything that I want to. but she needs it just as much as Doris needs it. What am I going to do? No idea.
Lunch was very hard to eat, due to the stress I was feeling. Took my all lunch and I didn't even finish, actually had to force down the pop too. God I hate this. The rest of the day is busy, so I get pretty distracted.
Work done. Still nervous. I haven't heard from James. His appointment was with his crisis councilor today. I emailed him earlier, no response, texted him this morning, no response. I hate that. I can understand a little bit, that it is hard for me to reach out, but I did the reaching out. He stated the other day, the reason he had his mom call me with the hospital visit was because he wanted me to know, so that if I was texting him and not getting an answer, I wouldn't get upset. I said that I'm used to that, he does it all the time. I could tell he didn't like that answer, but truth is truth. And he continues to prove it. Especially right now. I have no idea what is so hard with it right now. He was never like this, he answered more than he ignored and right now, it is closer to 50/50. It is hard for me to see him as getting better when it seems so far away from where we were.
We get Doris' glasses and Irene's prescription dropped off and go to visit James. the girls are of course very excited. They ask if they can play at the park and James be the big scary troll. I ask, 'then what will he be actually doing?" "Nothing, just be myself" lol. Making jokes is good. We decide to go to the park. James chases them and plays. But we only have 20 min and that goes by fast. James tells me that he had a good visit, got the EI note and clarification on some meds. I ask if that was all the visit was, he said no, they talked about other things too, that I got him talking more. he wants to try babysitting the kids on Monday. I think it is a good step. I say only Monday? 'well no, the whole week, if I can" "why don't you plan for the whole week?' 'just in case I can't" "if you plan for failure, then that is what you will get. Plan for success" "ok" Time's up. Time to go home. James states he will call me later. Good. I ask about TV time, he says he will call me. Ok.
Get home, do supper, Irene has a shower, clean up, get the kids to bed. Irene is really having a bad reaction with her eczema. I wonder if that can happen from stress too? Might have to research that a bit. that or it might be from some of the other home meds that she is on, and I hope not, cause she needs those for her bladder infections and stool holdings. Waiting for James to call.
James calls. Conversation was good. Talked about a little bit of everything. Made plans for tomorrow with the kids, still sounds very up beat about everything, so that is very good. Said good night on a light note. Tonight was good. Even though in the morning and afternoon I was so nervous for something, turned out to be a very good day. Went to bed on time, and slept well. Dreamt lots too.
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