Should I or not??

I don't know what to do.  Feeling lost today.  Even though today was a good day overall.  Just still feel like I can't get ahead.  I don't know why it's so hard.  Just one of those days.  All I can see is the downside.   Nails don't seem to be working out, and I really don't lime not succeeding, but I can get much better, because I can't afford the schooling.  James still hadn't found another job, we will never have enough money, why do we have to struggle constantly.    What will it take to prove ourselves? 

Stress, what stress?

Wow, what a day.  James was having issues the last couple days.  And so he was not able to go into work.  I know that my complaining about work and situations didn't help his stress, but he is my go to person.  So, he was supposed to go into work to "talk about his job" but that only made his anxiety worse.  So he wasn't able to go in.  the boss asked him to call her. 

Well james is a bit upset  and not sure if he can do it, he knows that he will be getting lectured on texting in sick, not calling, but for him, that is all that we can do.   So he emails me.  I call him on my lunch and we talk.  He is good, have him choices and options:

1: he calls and gets it over and done with.
2: he comes into town and we go in together, I don't talk, just sit there.
3: he waits till I get home then we use two phones and we call together.

And just let me know what option.  He calls me at work, he is upset.  they fired him. What!?!?!??!.  I can't believe that. 

There is sooo much about it that I just don't have time to write it all down.  But it's bull! Now, how is that going to help him? They don't understand or care to.  So frustrating. 

I don't want to work their anymore either, and was thinking that a bit ago, but where do I go?  Can I get it in time for the next chq?

Then there is the revenge side, I want to get them back, and just not show, but I am so stressed over the wait, that it's not working so well.  I wand rd monday off to spend with my kids anyways, but didn't think it would go this way.

We do have the bills paid for this month.  But somehow they still haven't paid james all his hours paid  but say they have three time, so docted his pay once more for 23hrs.  So now we have the fight of getting his hours fixed up.  I still haven't gotten my IT, and looks like the only way that I will is by taking them to labor standards.  I have tried and tried to get it.  Not sure how much more I can ask and prove the rule in alberta, they are different than other provinces and countries. 

Sooo, frustrating!

I am so tense and stressed out right now that I am causing a migraine!  Blah!

What am I being tested for now?  Why is life so hard?  Can't we catch a small break?  Just so thats James can learn to be in those situations and deal?  Is that to much to ask for?  Of course winning the lottery does work too :-) 

I need to deal so I can sleep.  But not sure which way I need to go to deal.

:-(

A little of this and a little of that

Well today is feb 14.  Valentines day.  I know lastnight was hard on james, so not sure if he made it too work or not.  He is not answering my text messages, which is what he has been doing all week while at work so I am inclined to believe that he is at work.  And hopefully if not that he is not worried about telling me.  Very hard to know what is going on.  And when I know that he is struggling, it is very hard to predict.  But he knows that after today, he has days off and we have a weekend together.  I can't wait for the weekend.  Supper out, movie, night alone, then spend sunday with the kids, hanging out doing fun stuff.  Here is to hoping too. 

I got a text this morning about my step uncle passing away on sunday, funeral is sat.  So that bites a little into our saturday, but I will be there, for my dad.  And my step mom.  I hate the feeling of loss. 

I love the app for blogging on my android phone.  Makes it so easy to add a quick note.  Those late nights when I can't sleep swill really help, because I won't have to get up to post.  Just spill my mind.

Still struggling. But still pushing too.

James is still struggling, hard time to get out of bed this morning.  But he did.  I think mostly because we had to take the can in, so I think that is what mostly helped him today.  But he was able.  I was so stressed about him not making it.  I am still chewing my fingers and can't stop, I am so worry about his fall.  I know it will come and I know it will be hard, just because it will be his first fall since he has starting trying again.  He is getting very frustrated at the lack of support at work.  It is getting hard a tiny but, for me too, because he is starting to slow and not care about his work, so others are having to pick up a bit.  Not much but just a bit.  I know he is pushing through it and that is good, but I think he still only see's the struggle, not the goodness at the end.  Not sure how to refocus his sight.

Break through

Heck yes!  James had a panic attack from super bowl sunday, but it's one of the first times he has worked through it so he can go to work after.  And that is not to say that it was easy.  It wasn't, he struggled alot.  By the important part is that he made it twice!  And after two days of working through it, today seemed like a regular day!  It was such a major break through.  If he can work through the stress and anxiety and fear in the morning, and go to work, he is doing great!  So happy!!!

Getting there

as always, I still try to keep up to date on this, but I am soooo busy lately in life, that I haven't even watched a movie or a tv show.  Most of us (by that I mean human's in general) have certain times that we HAVE to watch Grey's Anatomy, or Ink Master or The next great baker, or whatever show is your CAN"T miss show.  I can't remember the last time I even saw Grey's Anatomy.  I want to slow down, but I don't see that happening just yet.  I think it will have to be soon though.  I am just slowly crashing.  Not the same way James does, but I am still pushing myself and find myself not being able to do everything that I want to do.  James is still working, part time at the same place that I work part time.  So far, it is doing decent.  He had a major set back here on Super bowl Sunday.  The manager didn't have as many workers as she should have had on, and James, being the sweet guy that he is, couldn't just sit there and watch the ONLY worker, (besides him, since he is a prep person and not a cashier or pizza maker) get slammed by the rush of super bowl, he went up to the front of the store and started to help, by making the pizza and serving the customers.  Even the unhappy ones.  He did good.  He did slowly crash from that day.  Just slowly through out the day.  He did think he would, but didn't seem to be able to do anything about it.  Not sure if or what he tried.  He still seems to be stuck in the "I can't do anything, it just happens"  yes and no, I think anyways.  But once he gets a certain thinking, I or him or anyone can't seem to change it.  Still something to work on.  he has gotten ALOT better at the, "it happen.  Its done and over with, ok, move on then"  Which is good, cause that was a major part of the depression.  he does still have bad days.  It is something that he will have to work on for a long time, maybe even the rest of his life.  The only crap part is that when he starts to go down, he can't see any light or hands offering help.  For instance, on Monday morning this week, after the super bowl and he couldn't face the day, it was a big struggle to get him the text his boss, my boss too, to tell her that he was not coming in.  Then we went through the battle of him hating himself, thinking he was worthless and that fun stuff.  I, like always at night, and following morning, had my music playing softly.  By the time I was ready to get up, I grabbed my phone, but didn't turn off my music.  James then asked me to turn it off, not even down, but off, because his head hurt so much.  I asked if he was going to do anything about the headache.  Nope, Hadn't thought of that.  And right now, that seems to be the big header we are hitting.  He doesn't see a way to fix things when he is in these situations.  I have no idea how a human, when in pain, can just sit there, in pain.  Not when you know that pain meds work, and they will make it better.  How do you not JUMP up and take them.  Well ok, so maybe no jump in so many words, but as fast as you can when you are in pain, or ask the loving spouse you have beside you to get some for you, so that the pain goes away and you can get better.  Thats the kicker.  He still doesn't seem to want to get better.  There is still lots of the "practice" and therapy that he is not doing, even though he is doing better, there is still some of these things to make sure it doesn't get worse again, not necessarily to make it better, but to help it not get worse again.  One simple one, is to see 5 good things in his day.  Just so that he can start seeing positives and not negatives.  Of course we all know that isn't going to cure him, but it will help, it just helps focus on the right stuff, not the wrong stuff.  or colouring, or writing every day.  He started a blog, reason I started mine actually.  But besides the two original posts a few years ago, he has never went back to it.  Says it doesn't work/help.  Now how does he know after just two times if it helped or not?  I don't want to just focus on the small negative things here either.  he is working.  just part time.  nine in the morning till his prep is done, 3-4 days a week.  Although 3 seems to be working more than 4 does.  It also doesn't help that the store is in bad shape which is causing some unnecessary stress on him too.  But that is a part of the life.  Stress.  So we just keep mentioning that this is practice.  He is learning to handle crap at the job with a job that doesn't matter that much.  It is just a prep for a fast food joint.  But it is a start.  And he has been there since slightly before xmas.  It is nice to finally have some cash flow, we are working on getting somethings fixed on the house, like our own washer and dryer getting hooked up, since we haven't had that since we reno'd the basement to make it into a basement suit to rent out and make money, so that we could pay the mortgage and keep the house.  I could quit my second job and we would make it, but thats it.  Just make it.  I want to get ahead a bit.  Also to have savings, in case it doesn't work out for James.  Which of course has been his past.  I think that we are both better partners to each other, we both listen better and can focus better, so I think we would survive and get him back into it faster than in the past.  But I have no proof or knowledge of what will happen, how he will feel, and go through, if and when he loses this job.  He is still so uncertain of him self and that really holds himself back.  I think he could do full time, only because then I would quick my second job and then he would no longer have all the house stress, which is a job in its own.  he is handling working 9-5 and then the kids and house and supper and taekwondo all in one day.  And decently too.  Maybe not great, but I was never great at it either.  I want to think that I have a better mind set now to deal with it all too, but until I get that option I don't know for sure.  I would love to try.  I miss my girls sooo much.  When James tells me about how he had to "fight" or argue or hassle them to help, or finish homework, that is when I struggle.  I find it hard to continue working all the nights that I do and miss them.  He is a good dad, very good, but I want to take my momship back.  and soon before I miss all of their growing up.  Doris is 2 belts away from her black belt in taekwondo and I don't want to miss that.  But even as it stands right now, she has a tournament coming up and I can't afford to take her.  Not the time off or the cost of travel.  Maybe if it was just me and her, but there is the hotel and food and gas.  Our savings right now are trying to go to the house.  This is where i get pissed at the ex, since apparently it is fine to help your children out.  That was how we afford to go last year, the little bit that I did get from him, I put in there savings accounts and used it to pay for these things.  Gymnastics for Irene and such.  But if we take the savings to go, then we arn't much ahead.  The washer and dryer are important, as we are finding more conflict with the tenants down stairs.  They are sleeping by 7 sometimes, or doing their laundry on Sunday, which has been for the last 6 months, the day that we do ours.  two weeks ago, we had to wait for 5 days before we could get them done.  So far the only way we can, is if James goes down all day, while they are at work.  They have given us permission, but again that means that it has to be on his day off.  it is becoming more stress again trying to find a spot or time or even finish it, since the dryer down there doesn't seem to dry as fast as it should.  Wow, I sure wrote a lot lol.  Well maybe I should blog more.  But just stating my mind on my life.  I wish i had more time.  I work two job's most days, work out and sleep.  Thats all I have time for.  Well and Facebook too of course ;)