Well slept good, just not long enough. But that's the way it goes these days. I wait until I pass out and then I sleep solid till my alarm, but that is only 6 hours most nights and I am very tired every day and morning. I've noticed, that I am not remembering any dreams I am having, or if I am having any. Which is unusual for me. Not sure what it means if anything. Probably just that I am too tired to dream.
Managed to eat my breakfast. Banana and toast and an egg. didn't want to, but I did. Got to work on time, considering I didn't even want to go, so I think that is an accomplishment. I never want to go anymore, I would rather sit at home and play on my computer and do nothing and not have any worries or responsibilities. But I know, that is just not the way it is. Nervous again today about going to work and what today will bring, supposed to talk to my manager about the things that held me back on getting the job I applied for. I don't want to talk, it was partly her fault, and that is not fair. I don't like working here much anymore. I love my customers and my co-workers for the most part, but I hate the BS that goes on and the politics. Why can't I ever be good enough? even when I do do the things that they tell me i need to change, and I change them and work harder, it is still not enough, there is always someone better than me.
Got to work and opened my email, remembering that I didn't have time to check it yesterday with the meeting and power outage, so when I emailed James yesterday saying I was bored, because it was so slow, I was never able to check if he wrote back or not. Opened it today, their is nothing there. Ouch. He used to write and he wrote the day before about going into a store that had the owners from the hottub tech place and he was scared about that. But he didn't yesterday, at all. About anything. i don't understand. Why? I want to cry again, I can feel my tear welling up in my eyes. Will I ever get what I want? is he not getting what he wants? I am I not there for him like he is not there for me? will we ever be able to get there? I need communication and not just with just anyone. i need to talk to him, I love him, he's my best friend, he is my everything. Maybe that's to much to put on him, but he is always the first person I want to see, the first person I want to tell about my day, and my feelings, and my thoughts. Am I not that for him? Has he ever had that with anyone? does any of that matter to him? would it help him?
Finished work, picked up Irene and got to watch Doris with her Taekwondo. Very nervous still though. He only wanted to see the kids the kids for about 10 or 20 minutes today. Yesterday he did an hour. Was it too much for him? that is a very scary thought for me.
We get to his place and the kids are very happy to see him, they jump right into talking to him and cuddling with him, and that's great. I really hope that helps him, cause I know that would help me lots. I look over as I walk in, and I can see pain and anxiety in his eyes and he puts on the fake smile that we have come accustom to wearing. I realize he hasn't talked, or texted me the whole day again. I thought we were getting better, yesterday he talks to me about fear of going into a store with is old boss in it, and today, nothing. did we just go backwards? is this normal? I walk past the couch were they are all cuddling and sit at the table for a bit, looking at the Sears wish book. I'm not really looking, but more avoiding the situation. I still don't like it, it feels so much like supervised visitation to me. After about 10 minutes I wonder back into the living room and sit in the chair beside the couch that they are all sitting on. We all just sit there and watch TV. Sometimes making comments on the tv show. James even attempts to play with the kids, that's great! I don't know how long to stay, I don't want to leave, but the kids need supper and James hasnt planned that. But I start thinking, I don't know what he has planned cause he hasn`t told me. I look over and his journal is beside me. I pick it up and go to flip through the pages to read last nights entry. On the cover, there is an appointment written on it. With a women. I am pretty sure it is for the anxiety work groups, but I don't know. He didn`t tell me that he had this appointment, he didn`t tell me that he would call her, he didn`t tell me that he was going, that he was scared. He just didn`t tell me anything. I don't know anything again. I don't like that either. I flip to the last entry and read it. Basically all he wrote down was what he did, not his feelings. He is starting to stop even writing about his feelings I guess. I hope he notices. Should I tell him? Do I ask him about this appointment? Isn't his choice though to reach out? or am I supposed to pick and prod still? for how long? always? I don't know if I am strong enough for that. I want him to be able to volunteer to talk to me, even if it is just in the beginning about nothing, but just conversation. If he can start with that, then he could stretch it into more important things like feelings and I can be there for him, listening, supporting, helping. But right now, he's not. I don't know what to do, or what we are doing tomorrow, cause we haven't made any plans. I am 99.9% sure that if I don't contact him and ask him what he wants with the kids tomorrow or what time, he will not contact me and I will not know what time. I left the house upset because nothing was said, pain in his eyes while he was rubbing my back, another peck and more pain. And again nothing was said, except good bye. I don't like that. Those are the words that he can manage to say to me? Good bye? well I guess those words don't hold emotion so they are easy. But they hurt so much more.
I am also scared for when his parents are there. I am scared of what they think of me, do they not like me cause I can't handle this? do they think I made the wrong choice? But they are not going to be there tomorrow, I don't think, so I don't have to worry too much.
Just texted him, because, well, I need to talk, I need to hear from him, I need to know that I haven't lost him yet. I can't go on, not talking to the only thing that I want in the whole world. He is my life, my everything. I don't want to be with anyone else, ever. I don't even want to be with my friends of family right now because if I can't have it with him, I don't want it. I asked him if he was ready to talk yet today. he never wrote back.
His dad and mom came online and asked how things were going, because they hadn't heard from him either today. That made me very scared. then he isn't doing better and he was just putting up front on how he is doing. we don't know how he is doing and he isn't talking to anyone about it. that is very scary. I text him asking if he is ok. No response. Even when his parents called him, he wouldn't answer his phone. Again very scary. I don't think that he has ever not answered the phone. Not sure what is going on, wishing I knew, wishing he was strong enough to trust me, to let me in. he doesn't have to be alone. I wish he could see that. Then he posted on face book that he turned off his phone because he is feeling very antisocial and to bad is people want to talk to him. That hurts. I am not sure if his parents got through on the house phone, or if James wouldn't answer that one either. or if it is just me. I feel its just me. I feel quilty for not being better this afternoon and wonder if that is part of it. But think he hasn't talked to anyone all day either.
Relief pours over me as my msn blinks. I tried it again stating that I can listen, i want to help, i'm here for him. and he responded. Such relief. He is ok. he is alive and at the computer, he is ok. Thank you lord.
He says that he called his mom and left a message letting them know he was ok. That's good cause his parents worry like me. How come he didn't do the same for me? Does he not think or know that I worry just as much? that I couldnt' stop shaking litterally thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong? Like holly shit, with the last week having suicide throw at me from him, and then he basically disappears and doesn't think that I wont think the worse? And no one is home to watch him right now to make sure he is safe.
But even though he did let me know on msn that he was safe, he doesn't want to talk tonight. So I have to be the bigger person here and once again put my needs behind me to better him. I don't get to talk to him, I don't get to vent, I don't get to feel connected to someone I love, because he doesn't want to. I don't know how long I can keep doing what he wants/needs and not what I want/need. I am trying so hard to keep it together because I want to scream and shout at him and tell him everything. But of course he wouldn't hear me and I don't know if he would listen even if he could. Which makes this suck even more. What do i do?
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