I wake up, realize that he isn't there. I asked him to sleep some where else. I"m hurt. I know he did what I asked, because that is what you do for someone, but I"m hurt that he couldn't have fought for me. His stuff is all packed, he did that last night. This is it, he's leaving. And I wont get to say goodbye even. Not that that would be easy and it I most likely wouldn't want to do it anyways. This is so hard. why does it have to be like this? why can't he fix it here? why does he want to leave? Yes I am the one that told him, but he didn't have to agree and do it, unless he wanted to.
I tell Doris because she is 9, almost 10, and she will noticed right away that her daddy isn't home anymore. And I don't want her asking in front of Irene. Irene wont be able to understand it as easily. Or at least that is what I think. Doris take is well, she gets a hug, doesn't cry and says she has no questions. I can tell she doesn't like this. It feels way to much like when their real dad left. I don't want that again. I sometimes think about having the good life, with a man that works hard, makes good money and is there for us, helps with the kids, plays, cooks and cleans. But I just can't see anyone but James. I can't even think about other men, cause I don't want them. And should this end up being the final, I don't want another guy to try and be daddy to my kids, they have had enough of that. Oh it hurts so much, what if he never comes back? what if he likes the easy life more than that love life of a family?
I manage to get ready for work. i don't want to be here when he wake's up to leave. I don't want to face that music. It will hurt way to much. I can't focus that well at work, I can't stop thinking about the direction my life is going and where it will go from here and what is going to happen with james. I manage to finish work. We are supposed to go to his parents place for supper. He says that he wants us there. So we go.
So nervous and scared, his parents will be there. How will they act, what has he told them? do they blame me? is it my fault? should they blame me? should I even come? is it too soon? Not sure how I am going to eat supper, but I will try very hard in front of everyone so that they don't have to worry about me too. James seems up beat when we get there, maybe not happy, but not down either. That's good. It hurts a bit, he wasn't like that at home, gone one day without us and he is doing better. that bites, that is what was supposed to happen, he was supposed to get better with out us, but that fast? and that much? Why did I come? If he is doing that much better with out us, why am I here? what are we doing? His mom and Shay try to salvage the night, by making idle chit chat. I can see the stress in his mom's eyes. And his dad doesn't want to talk and says that he has had a bad day, but wont say why. I believe it is cause of me and James. and that hurts. And I know that James didn't need to hear that, it will only make things worse. James is arguing with the kids. over what Irene can eat and what they can play. supper is done and his mom leaves us to talk. James is no longer up beat. He is down. not crashing, but not far from that either. I can see the pain in his face and eyes. that's not what he wanted from this night either. Is he thinking that it was better with out us? is he thinking that it will always be better with out us? Is that what is best? Should I make the decision for him? I'm not strong enough to walk away from what I want yet. Does that make me the bad guy? Am I making it worse cause I want it to be fixed? We try talking, he says that he has nothing to say. I ask him, then why did I come? I dunno. You wanted me here, why? i dunno. we are supposed to talk remember? ........(he doesn't say anything) I tell him that while he is gone, I wont be the one that will make contact, it will have to be his choice not mine. He says that will suck for us not to talk. No James, it will be you not talking, I'm ready when you want to talk, I didn't say we couldn't talk, I said you would have to do it though. Is that they way he see's it though? if I don't talk then neither will he? why? why wont he want to talk to me? does he think it will be that bad? has he already made the decision not to talk to me? again why? I tell him that I noticed, if he wants to have a nicer time with the kids, then he should stop fighting them with everything. Did it really matter if they played that game? was that a topic that really needed fighting about? If oil burns you, do you put your hand in it? the kids being the oil and him arguing with them being putting his hand in it, making it worse. He never noticed before. I say I know. Another frustrating bit again. If he would examine his attacks he could find out so much information, about himself, about his life, about what causes them, about how he thinks about it. and even if he doesn't examine it, but just talks about it, then others can help pick it apart and took into it for him and then talk to him about it. But he has to let someone into that head so that we can see. We don't care what your thinking, those things wont scare us away, we wont think that he is small or rude or stupid or anything like that. We are only there to help him. that's all that we want, and we know that his thinking wont be like ours, we are prepared for that. We don't talk, he sits there staring at the floor looking like a statue. I don't look at him cause its to hard for me. it hurts. and I don't want him to see the hurt in my eyes, cause that will only hurt him. I tell the kids, time to go. Irene fights, of course. I can imagine that this isn't any better for James. Screaming kids. Doris gives James a hug. He doesn't move, he doesn't say i love you, he doesn't hug back, nothing. we go home. I cry.
I am so upset about everything. I can't breath, I am so hurt, my chest is burning, my world collapsing. To much for me, I can't take it. I'm vibrating literally, I can't calm my breathing, i"m freaking out. I need him. I write on face book how hard it is right now. I want him to know without telling him. I want him to see that I can't live without him. It might hurt him, actually I know it will, but i need to let it out, I need to him to comment. even though in my logical head, I know he wont. But in my hope head, maybe, just maybe he can be strong enough to help me, which might help him. I can't wait, I text him. just asking how he is doing? no response. I sit there trying to calm down. I start to rock myself, I start to think that it is over and I start to think that I need to look at my other options. I start to make a plan. once i am planning, even if it is a crappy plan, I'm not so lost and scared. I start to feel better, not great by no means, but not uncontrollably losing it either. He texts back that he is better, yesterday started writing a journal, thought it would help remember for the councilor, tend to feel better after I write, internet isn't working and neither is the satellite. I tell him that i was lost when I texted him, but I am better now, and great job with the journal and to never quit the journal, do you want to tell me anything else about your day or feelings? My biggest eye opener was when the girls gave me a hug, I didn't feel anything, just empty, that has never happened before, usually cheers me up, no matter what. So what does that mean? (I'm very scared now, has he realized that we are completely bad for him, that he doesn't want us, does he think that he doesn't have feelings for us, never wants to see the kids again? I freeze, i don't know what I will do if he replies that he is gone for good and never coming back.) What are you going to do about it? what that when they got there or when they were leaving? I think today i suppressed my feeling in order to get done what I needed to get done, it will probably hit me when i try and go to sleep, when they were leaving. Ok, what does that mean for future? did ur writing help u figure out why u went down today? I don't know what it means, haven't really figured anything out yet either. (still scared, he still hasn't looked at why he did that, so it could easily happen again) Ok. do you plan on figuring it out? did ur talk with your best friend help? (I noticed she called and that bothered me lots, one of the reason I was so uncontrolled earlier, if he can talk to her and everyone else, why can't he talk to me? What do I do wrong that makes him shut down?) he says that he plans to figure it out and that he didn't talk to her, missed her call. you didn't call her back? No, but sent her an email. That hurts. Why can't he send me an email? does that mean that he wants to talk about me and that's why he can't talk to me? I want to be better, if I am doing something wrong, he will have to let me know so that I can be better. He says he is going to go to bed and get some thinking done. Ok. I go to bed, just as lost as before. and hurt. I cry again till I pass out.
No comments:
Post a Comment