the start of today was pretty good actually. Getting very used to this life. Got up, cooked breaky, smelled soo good. Sat down to eat this pile of yummy food and got about 4 bites in when I started to feel sick. Crap. ate what I could again. Shared some food with Doris, and she asked me whats wrong, why I'm not eating lately. I say that I am eating, "ya, but it takes you forever to eat" I change the subject. I don't want to explain to her that its because James isn't here. I don't know how to explain that the way those things work and to let her understand that it is ok. Which I know it really isn't. I have been feeling like crap because I am not eating right, and I know that. I do try and eat, just until my tummy hurts though, and then I stop. Today after breakfast, I got nauseated too. And yesterday after lunch. I don't push to much food, because I am scared I might throw it up, and that would be worse, cause I am sure I would lose more food that way.
A friend is coming out today. Told James yesterday, he said he was fine with that. She wants to bring her boyfriend now, I'm ok with that. I text James and let him know. that way it isn't a surprise. No response. I get worried. Does he not want that? I can change it if he lets me know. Should I have just said no to my friend? Did he say yes, but couldn't actually handle it? I text him, asking if that will be a problem, if he is still coming. No response. Hours later and still nothing, I'm so hurt, don't know what to do. I just wait.
afternoon, an hour before he is supposed to come, he texts me stating that he feels like shit, headache, nauseated, world spinning, and that he doesn't think that he will make it. My heart drops. My stomach turns. I knew it would be to hard, I knew it. This sucks. I try and think if I can come into town, if I can spare time and bring the kids in. Would that help? Would he want that? "ok, get better, is it cause of my friend? I can say no to them, ur more important" "No i felt this way when I woke up before i read your texts" "But u knew my friend was coming out before u went to bed last night. Make sure u drink enough and eat something, rice, soup, rolaids? advil? nap?" "ok it doesn't feel like anxiety" "cold fx? or is it like cold? what all did u eat yesterday? my anxiety and stress shows in my headache and tummy. How did that relax thing go, that ur mom got?" No response. "what time did u get up this morning? Irene woke me at seven thirty!! and again at eight thirty!" "just waking up" "wow, what time did u go to bed? was it a good sleep?" No response. I decide that there are lots of things that I can talk about that arnt related to stress and that might help him, distractions, about the weather even. But texting them would take to much time. So I call him. No answer. I wait to see if he just missed answering it, and might call me back. ten minutes go by. I text him "do u want to talk? r u sure its not anxiety?" No response. five minutes. I call him again. I want to be there for him, I want him to know I am here for him. No answer. I text again "I am not giving up on u. I love u, we all do. I don't know what's wrong so I don't know what to do to help. I don't know what is bleeding to dress it, or if its a scratch that u r going to wash and move on. But we r here if u need a hug, we all have open arms for u" No response. I don't know what else to do. Just wait. he will come if he wants or can. And I will be here. If I didn't have a friend coming out or house work to do, I would go in, but I am not sure that would be the best choice. What about the kids? How would he feel if we are all there watching him? if it was just the flu/cold, why isn't he texting? I don't know. I decide that there isn't that much i can do.
I busy myself with my chores. My tummy hurts. I don't know what is going on. I text his dad asking if he has talked to James, because James is having a not ok day. I get no response. I stay busy. Have supper and say good bye to my friends. I come to my computer. Check my cell phone, nothing. There is a face book message. Fear runs through me. What if it is his parents saying the worse? Did he commit suicide? He doesn't want to see me? they stand up and say enough, get out of his life all your doing is hurting him? Of course they could just be from my friends too.....but I think the worse always first. Check it. Just friends stuff. Relief, but only for a split second, cause that means that there is still nothing from him or his parents. Are they not there yet? is he ok? Do they think I don't want/need to know? Why don't they tell me whats going on?
Trying to figure out if I should text him or call him. I don't want to call him if he is with his parents. He might not answer or want to fully be open in front of them. Or if the judge him for answering or not answering. he might think they are even if they aren't. I don't want him to go through that in front of them. I think texting will be the best option. I want to make sure that he knows I am here. I am willing, I am trying. I love him. I want him. I need him. But I don't want to push. and if he is unable it will make him feel worse. Choices choices. If he needs me and is waiting for me and I don't, well that won't help either. What to do. I don't know.
Texting it is. I don't even really expect a response. But I have to try and to let him know that I am there for him. we text about nothing really, to weather, the dog, my chores, what he's doing, what game he is playing, if he is feeling better. He says he slept till 7. then his mom brought him a burger and that his anxiety is very high right now. He says that he has no plans for tomorrow. what about the kids? "not if i am like this" I see a bad pattern happening. I'm scared. He realizes that today was all anxiety, not a cold and he still isn't looking into techniques to cope. How much longer is this going to be before he wants to get better? I can't wait for ever. I just can't. And neither can the kids. And I can't make them, that is not fair. but how much time is fair? 5 weeks? I am thinking that if he doesn't start to cope, not get better, but just learn some ways to make himself feel better, in the next 3 weeks, that gives him 2 weeks he has already used and 3 more weeks to work on it, then I might have to walk away. I don't want to be the woman that couldn't deal with a disability, that sounds horrible. and I don't want to walk away. There are so many questions that I have, for his councilor too. Should his mom be doing his ei? now what if he doesn't want to see the kids? will she see what a hard case he is? that he isn't doing what she has said, hasn't done barely anything that she has said. and he blames it all on the social phobia. then he gets mad at himself. then he resents us, then he hates life, then life overflows on him. I don't know for sure if he feels those, but it is what i see. I want to tell him that I am blogging too, but I am scared that if he reads it, if he even wants too, that it will hurt him. it might help, I don't know. Maybe if he can hear what I think, then he will see that i want to help, that I don't understand and something that seemed obvious to him wasn't to me and he could explain it to me. But I am pretty sure that these would all cause panic attacks and then pain from my pain. then he would blame himself for everything. He is not a victim, unless he lets himself be one. He doesn't have to feel this way. Please lord, help him find the strength that he needs, please guide him, please watch over him, take care of him, show him love and the light. Please lord help James! He needs you and probably isn't asking for him self. Please lord help him. Please, i beg of you. I'm crying again. I don't know what to do again. I left off texting James to work on getting better so it doesn't hurt anymore, to look into those websites, they will help. and reminding him that it is his choice, he needs to choose to get better. I realize now writing that might make him feel less, because he feels he can't and its his choice and since he can't its all his fault. again, I try and what I say I am sure comes out the wrong way. How do you sweet talk someone that is out to get himself? Is there anyone who knows what to do? anyone that has been through this? is this normal? to take small steps forward just to take a jump back?
I emailed his parents stateing what the councilor said and what they might need to do, I don't want to sound like I am telling them what to do, but if James hasn't told him, then they might not know, and I think they need to since they are basically raising him again. I hope again that I didn't come off the wrong way. But I will do what needs to be done for James, and if that means that I have to be a bitch to his parents then so be it. I will. Of course that is not what I want, and don't think I was, but I don't know how they will take the letter. I also asked them to do the same thing for me that I do for them, to let me know what is going on and when he has bad days too, so that I know what is going on. Very hard to be a family or even a friend when no one lets me in. I feel that they don't want me involved, I feel like they are trying to block me out. I know James wont let them, but what if he doesn't know? I don't know if his dad had his phone on, or what, but it is not the first time that I have texted his dad and gotten no response so I don't know if his dad makes a practice of not responding too. That might help me understand a bit if that was the way home life was when James was younger. But as life does seem to go on with our without us, it is tomorrow now and I should consider passing out so that I can go to work today. Lord help us all please.
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