My phone keeps beeping. I look over to see why. Nope not a text, and no email from him either. So I don't care then about what else my phone has to say. Still need to make plans with the kids today and I haven't heard anything yet. I want to get shopping done soon so that I have most of the day to can my beats. A chore that I would love to do with him. Laying in bed wonder what my best choices are. Do i just show up? if he is not ready will that make him feel ashamed? do I not show up at all if he doesn't contact me? that will hurt him I know, no matter how good the excuse is. Do I keep texting him? I finally decide to call his cell phone. I will know if it is still off and if he doesn't want to talk right away. i reach out and grab the phone. My tummy starts to turn. I dial his number my tummy wants to get rid of its contents, good thing I have nothing in my tummy. It rings. What if he doesn't answer? where do I stand? back to if i go or if not? Should I be calling? what if he can't answer the phone and then feels guilty about it? Did I do the right thing? Second ring. Maybe he is sleeping. It is ringing and that tells me that is cell phone is not turned off anymore, but it would have alarmed him to take his pill and then he most likely would have left it on.
He answers. "hello." "hi, did i wake you?" "no, I'm awake just not out of bed." "ok, i was thinking about coming into town in the next little bit, is that ok with you?" "ya should be." "will you be out of bed then?" "ya should be." "how was yesterdays visit?" "it was good." "how were your feelings on it?" "they were good, it was nice to have them cuddling." "nice isn't really a feeling though" "i know, it made me feel happy." "what about when they didn't want to come home and wanted to stay with you?" "good and sad." "well lets start with good, why did it make you feel good?" "cause they wanted to be with me." "and that only make good, not great or joyful?" " ......it was a happy feeling." "ok, now why did that make you sad then?" "cause they couldn't stay here, cause they would have to go home with out me." "well you are the one in control of that...you get to fight to get better...you get to fight to come home.... " "I know." "So yesterday was more than 10 minutes was that ok?" "yes." "Ok, so do you want to come shopping with us to spend more time?" "ya i think i can do that." "does that scare you, shopping?" "a little bit." "but you have been in stores a bit lately and its just another store right?" "yep." (i already know, that if he says, i can't i will take him home right away and tell him its ok) I ask him if I can text him with my progress today, when I'm leaving when I'm heading over, and he says yes.
So now I have to get things ready so that I can go pick up James to come shopping with us. I am a little worried that he wont be ready, that it will scare him to much to try. But I think that he will be able to come and he will try and it scares me more that he might have to leave the shopping after he gets there. And that it will happen in front of the kids and that will make him feel worse than just having an anxiety attack.
As I am driving to his place, I am fine. I then see the house, and sharp pain runs through my stomach. Fear. What if he can't come?
He is ready to go. We go shopping. it seems to be going well. I can tell that it is hard. We just walk beside each other. we don't talk, or look at each other. The kids and him barely talk to each other, not much of a visit, but can't change it now. After leaving the first store, I ask him how its going. he says it's hard, but managing. I leave it up to him to tell me if he needs to go home or not. he doesn't so I keep going to the next store. the same as the first store. And then I take him home. He doesn't say anything else, no invite in, and I don't ask. He does say talk to you later, not goodbye. I sure hope that he means it. The talk this morning was very good. Don't want to take a step back to texting. and talking will be better than texting. or at least for me it will, but I think for most people, cause you can hear emotion, you will sometimes speak without thinking, where with texting you have to think about what you are going to write and then it can sometimes be censored.
supper time is done, long day, got the veggies out of the garden and all the potatoes cleaned and peeled and cut and frozen. Sitting with the girls. They wanted to watch a movie. Phone rings. I know who it is. It's James. I jump up, and run. But I don't make it in time. Crap. I hope he knows that wasn't on purpose. I don't want him to think that I don't want to talk, cause I do, more than anything. I wait for the phone to ring again and I sit beside my cell phone, in case he calls that. Nothing. there is a voice mail. I listen. Just a quick hangup. crap, he didn't leave a message. Did he lose his nerve? if I call him back will he still want to talk? I call him back. He answers and he is very up beat. Almost sounds happy. we talk about telus and the movie and our day. A little bit about what he was feeling in the store and how he calmed down between store visits today. I ask him how, if he used any techniques that he has learned. He hasn't learned any yet. I hope he is still reading up about the anxiety. There is lots on those website, they can help, as long as he can read them. We make plans for him to come out tomorrow. even get a rough time. I don't ask if he will stay for supper. Either he will or he wont. the choice is his. there will be enough, so that wont be a problem. I know the girls will ask, I hope he figures it out before they ask, how he is going to handle that question. Part of me hopes that he will come here and stay here. That that is his secret plan. But I don't want it to wreck it, if living abroad heals him either. And I wont ask. I can't put that pressure on him. What if he hasn't even thought of it. I am sure that he has, and I am sure that will be a battle he will have to fight tomorrow. I just hope that it is not to hard.
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