I am laying in bed, supposed to be sleeping and can't. Today is the second day that we have started forcing James and the kids to spend time together again. It is still very hard for me to deal with all of this It is hard on the the kids, they don't fully understand, and have a hard time with this.
Today was a hard day for me all around. Easting is getting better, but still having to force myself, lost 4 pounds in 5 days because of it. Sometimes just thinking about eating and my tummy will turn. Even when I am hungry. I know that's not good, and that is why I am eating what I can, when i can. Didn't give myself enough time to get to the vets, to pick up papers on the dog. I couldn't finish my lunch, even though it tasted soo good. I got turned down for yet another job at the bank I work at, being told the main reason was because the experience that I have been asking my managers for, has not been given to me and therefore, they don't know if I would stay in that role long enough to make it worthwhile, or I might not even like it. Then right after having the most frustrating turn down for a job ever, I get the worlds biggest loser for a customer. I was not in a good mood. Then I couldn't balance. I was able to get over my anger and laugh at the person that had been helping me, since it was her fault that I didn't balance.
Then off to pick up the kids from the babysitters. Show up and she is feeding them supper, crap I forgot to tell the babysitter not to feed them. James and I were going to go out for supper to spend time with the kids. O well. Then I realize the time. Good thing the babysitter feed them, because I screwed up the time and they wouldn't have been able to have enough time to eat and visit before taekwondo would start. So I sit down and wait for the kids to finish eating and then they get ready to go. I drop of Doris at her taekwondo and me and Irene head over to Wendy's for supper. Still shocked that James picked a fast food restaurant over a sit down restaurant. With him feeling better, that's great, but if he pushes too hard and crashes, then we are no further ahead. But I have been trying very very hard to let him be in control of his choices so that he can feel that control. with that control he can have more....well...control. he picks how long and where and then he shouldn't feel like we are trapping him or anything like that. Still scared that nothing is going to work out, but we get to the restaurant to eat and James is in his car. That tells me that he is not ready for Wendy's as much as he thinks, or he is relaying on me to support him much more than he thinks. Of course he could have just waited outside because it wasn't a sit down restaurant and he didn't want to sit by himself. I don't know, and don't want to ask, cause if it is the fist and he starts to think or worry about it, it can all go wrong.
we get out of the vehicles and go into the restaurant together. we don't hold hands or touch. I want so badly to just be hugged after the horrible day that I want, but even when James does put a hand on my shoulder I tighten up and freeze and feel hurt and sad and don't want to be touched cause that is what his touching seems to mean to me lately. I love him and want to be in his arms, but then when it happens it scares me and I react wrong. He has picked up on that before and it hurt him, which makes it worse for me. Cause I really don't know which way I am supposed to go. There are somethings that I can't control though and we will just have to deal with them as they come. and this might be one of them. It is something I want to work on though, I want to be better.
Thankfully, the restaurant is empty, we order and get our food. I consider sitting in the far corner where we are far away from anyone entering or that is already there. But I again let James pick. I say, why don't you pick where we sit. Hey you never know, maybe he is ok with sitting in the middle of the restaurant, that would be great improvement. James picks that farthest away table from the main doors, but close to another exit , in the corner, so that it is only beside on table and he sits sitting against the walls, so that he is not near anyone but us. I sit down across from him, and Irene sits beside me. James is on the one side of the table by himself. I don't want to burden James with the worries and stresses of my job and debate whether or not to tell him about my day. I also feel that I cant be the only one talking and that he needs to talk to me too. do I also have to be the one to ask him everything? will he ever just want to talk to me? will he always be scared to talk to me about anything with out me asking directly what I want to hear? But I need to vent and he is still, to me, my best friend. So i do. I tell him all about it. And ask him about his day when he doesn't just jump in after im done talking about my day. he tells me what he did. When he got up, the carpet that he ripped up at his parents, like he wanted to get done, and he got the dogs records, since the vet is closing, and he went to princess auto just to look around. He tells me that he actually slept good last night, first time since all this started. I instantly think that it has something to do with the fact that he talked yesterday, to me and to the councilor. I am still struggling with how I have to be the parent right now, asking all the time, or I wont talk to him, because he doesn't know what to say to me, or how to talk to me, or how to start. I don't know if I can explain to him anymore times, that it doesn't matter what he is talking to me about, but what matters is that he is talking to me. Of course it would be better if he could talk about his feelings and why he feels the way he does at certain times, or even just what he is thinking is some of those situations. I might be able to help, or understand at the very least. after the fact he never remembers and it is so hard to get him to talk about what he is thinking about. I don't know if he is scared or if he is thinking to much at once to pick one, or what. But I wish he would try. And maybe he is trying, i just don't know if he is though. With his journal that he started, there has been actual descriptions of feelings in there, and that's good. But in the one entry were he places "I don't know what to say to her" I explained, again, that he can say anything, he can talk to me just like he is writing in his journal.
So we finish up supper at Wendy's while playing with Irene's "Where is Waldo" toy that she got. It help, I am sure so that James didn't have to think about to much including us, or the people in the restaurant or anything. he is still struggling to not butt in with the kids, but that is something very hard to change. I want to remind him, and did once tonight, something I have learned in the last year, pick your battles. Do I need to argue over every little thing that i don't like the kids doing? Is this really that bad if they do it? I can see that James is struggling a bit with his anxiety and I don't know what all it is from. We both put on our "I'm doing just fine" fake smile and we walk out of the restaurant together. Its windy and cold out so I wrap my arms around myself. James places his arm across my shoulders. He looks over at me and then says 'not in the middle of the road" I realize that he wanted to kiss goodbye. I get very nervous. I know that he can see that I am not jumping for joy over this, and don't want to hurt him. I do want to kiss him, but its different now. we get over to the cars. and we stand there for a few seconds, me shivering, also my excuse when I don't put my arms on or around him, and then he leans in and does a nice light kiss on the lips. It feels like a kiss from one of your parents. I know that's not what his intention is though. Then i can't wait to jump into my van, because I am freezing cold. I want to kiss, I want to hold, I want to go home together again, I want it all, just like I know he does. but I don't want to push him, I am scared of my actions all the time right now, I know that it can get better and then with coping skills and better understanding for me, that it wont be like this, we will be free to be ourselves again, but that seems like a fairy tale, and sometimes, fairy tales don't come true. and I am very very scared of that thought. I feel guilty after we leave that I didn't do more, didn't say more. But if something would have happened from something I would have said, then I would have felt even worse. I pick up Doris from taekwondo and we go home, to my lonely home. Vent to my mom about my day at work. Wait to hear anything from James. I don't. Not a shocker to me, so again I have to start the talking if that is what I want. I text him, not sure if he or I am ready for a phone call yet. He textes back. He doesn't have much to say, says he is writing in his journal and watching tv. I asked him if he wants to tell me anything else or saw anything funny today, he says he already told me everything he did and no he didn't. I ask if he wants to tell me what he is writing in his journal, since the entries that I read before contained a lot more feelings and what he was telling me at Wendy's was just the things that he did, not what he was feeling doing them, or what he has thought about through out the day or anything like that. He says he already told me, cause its the same as what he did. I am starting to wonder if he realizes the difference between, describing your day, and feeling it. Maybe he still doesn't understand that I don't always just want to know what he did to day, but I want to know him today. And I obviously can't seem to be able to explain that to him either. I don't know how else to explain what I am looking for, and even if he does understand, and he might already, will he be able to deliver? if he understands right now and isn't doing it, why? scared? anxious? doesn't want to?
He still hasn't noticed my knuckles are broken open like his, yes, they are not as big as his, but that was done on Sunday, and its Thursday, they have already started to heal. and I have three of them broken open. That hurts me too, that he isn't noticing me, or doesn't want to talk about it. Maybe he has noticed and knows then that I took a round out on the punching bag. What does he think bout that? does he think that it is his fault? does he care? does he think that it fixed me all better? it sure didn't. I have a mental bet going on, on how long it will take him to notice that the stove is beatin up and the tile back splash is chipped and the element is bent and the frying pan is missing. I know that it will be the frying pan that he will ask about, and pretty sure that it will be the first thing noticed too. But do I tell him? so i sugar coat it, brush it off so that he doesn't worry about it? doesn't blame himself? For right now, it will depend on his state when he asks, on whether I feel I should tell him or not. Half the time I wonder if I am doing the right thing though, he needs to face his fears and by me not being me, will that hold him back? will he ever learn to cope with me then? I wish I knew someone else that had been through a setback like this. It is one thing to hear about someone getting better and then getting married and having kids, going on with the rest of their lives, I would like to find someone that has had it all going good and then have it start to slide downhill and how the got back on their feet. How long did it take? what did it take? what worked? what didn't?
I wish he would have asked about the food drive, and the big bike, and my interview. He knew they were coming up, and never asked. why Isn't he asking about my life? does he want to know? Should I always just tell him, or should I wait until he asks? It is so hard to do the latter.
well we can always hope that tomorrow is a little bit better. In which way, I don't know, but we can hope. Maybe now I can sleep, now that I got some of that off my chest. we will just have to wait and see. I hope I sleep, I sure need it, these late nights are not doing me any good, but I don't like laying in bed thinking about all the bad things right now, and it is very hard to change my focus, especially today, with all the bad stuff. But I am tired, so hopefully that means that I can just pass out. Good night. Or at least I hope it will be. James never did even text that. again, if i don't ask, i would never know what he does or doesn't do or anything. I again don't know if I should just keep being the one that does everything. I know that I could for now, but I know that I wont last long always being the top dog, always making the decision, always having to go and find that answer, always having to ask. well, back to the sleep thing, the fingers are starting to give up and the eyes are starting to shut, so I think I might really be able to pass out. I sure hope so.
Peace out
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