Text James bright and early, Good Morning. we used to have a little joke going on, when we lived apart when we first met. Good morning beautiful, how was your night? Mine was horrible, without you by my side' Its from a song, and we changed it a bit. I miss that. I miss that love. I miss him.
Get to work, because I stayed home yesterday, I didn't hear first hand who received the job that I was turned down for. I was very upset to find out it was someone with just as much or less experience than me. Very upset. Coworkers are shocked, they want me to fight it. I want to, but I also don't think it would do anything. I don't want to necessarily take away the job that was giving to the other person either. I do want them to think that I want to cause trouble, but I am very tired of never being good enough. So mad. The tension in my shoulders in the last couple days is really starting to bother me too. I hate being worked up.
Worked all day, good day basically. James texts that he will meet me at my work and come home for supper since we are coming back into town for Doris' taekwondo. ok. Get off work. James is there. Good first step. He gets in the van, he seems pretty calm, that's good. Pick up the kids. Irene is reading to him and he seems like, he doesn't really want to watch or do it, or maybe it was because it was in the van and it was awkward. Don't know. Get home, have to rush supper. James jumps right in and helps. right on. And I don't see tension or stress from it, even better. Finish supper, take Doris in. Ask James how that was, it was ok. Going to have to talk a bit more later on that. Drop James off, kiss goodbye. I go back and finish watching Doris' taekwondo. Go home. Get the kids into bed, and call James. He's watching TV and isn't really talking. That annoys me. I understand that TV is a distraction, but he can't avoid everything in his life, can he? I ask him to call me back after his show, he says yes. I day dream about my life, where I am and where I'm going. I start to think about the day. One thing that I need to talk to James about is something that he said. He said on the way out today, 'at home, i mean, my parents place, and at your place, i mean home' That hurt. Does he not see home as home anymore? Has he seperated us like that? I day dream about him telling me that he doesn't feel like this is home anymore. I start to wonder how long it will take him to realize that his life is easier without us? How long before he decides that he is better off without us? I start to get depressed. his show is over, no phone call. I get more down. I keep doing to dishes, cause they need to be done. I feel so alone, I don't have my kids awake, I don't have a friend to talk to, and no one to help me. Doing the dishes alone like that reminded me of when I was alone after my ex left me. I don't like that feeling. It makes things worse. The phone rings. It's James. We do some idle chit chat then I get serious. I ask about what he said earlier. He said it shocked him too, he hadn't said it before, that is not what he believes, its just we go home with out him so it's not feeling like his place cause he's not there. He says it is still home. I sure hope so. We chat some more about his day and his plan for tomorrow. He sounds like he is doing great, breathing and I show him some more on one of the websites. He says he thinks he will get better at home, but is worried that he can't handle the responsibilites. Crap. I ask how the responsibilites at his parents place are going. "Not to well for the last couple days." ok, understandable. "What about today, tomorrow? are you stretching your responsibilites?" he says no, I get him to explain. Turns out he is planning on doing more, so he is stretching. Good. "If you can run your parents place, do you think you could handle home?" "ya, I think so." Ok, thats good. "How long do you see it before you can run your parents place?" "Not to long, I don't think, a little bit" "how long is a little bit" "dunno, a couple weeks?" "ok, so by thanksgiving?" that is October 11th. just about two weeks to the date. "yeah should be good" 'Ok" So we have a goal, even if it is not reached, or not reached right away, we have something to work for. So he is going to start stretching it everyday until he is capable of doing it all by himself at his parents. I email his mom to let her know, so that she will let him do these things, otherwise, she would say no and do it herself. But that wont help right now. I give him a personal challenge. He is a little worried/scared, cause he doens't know what it is yet, I might ask him to do something that he can't do. I challenge him to explain more. When I ask how his day is, when he tells me the things he has done, he has to include a feeling for each activity. Just one. He calms down, and states that he should be able to do that. Right on. That is good. I'm still worried that he will still find more pleasure in life with out us. I try to ignore it and go to bed. Get to bed after midnight.
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