omg. I hate waking up. I didn't get to bed until just about 3 last night and then I am up at 8 thirty. My tummy starts to hurt. I don't want to face the day, I don't want to do it alone, I don't want to see the fear, the sadness in my kids eyes. I don't want the truth to be that we are over. Go back to sleep. Only for an hour at the most. Can't sleep anymore. Will probably be a drone today and I don't want to think about work and no sleep on Monday. The kids arn't awake. Should I even bother texting James? I highly believe that there is no way he will be coming out today or babysitting. I firmly believe that we found the breaking point. He has made a safe haven at his parents, and doesn't feel safe here. How can you go somewhere that you don't want to be? And if the responsibilities pull him down, how is he going to handle babysitting? I'm so hurt and lonely and scared. I'm waiting for the text or email from him or his parents stating that he is done, we are done, and that's it. I am not sure how I am going to function today. I'm so hurt, physically and mentally. The kids are awake now. I don't care, they can get their own stuff and I can lie here. I don't want to, but I don't want to do anything either. Omg it hurts. Is it over, actually over? will he be strong enough to get better? does he want to get better? Last night sounded kinda like he didn't. That makes if very hard to actually do it. I email his parents in case he does start to go down hill, then they kinda have an idea of what is going on.
I text him 'hi' my stomach turns, pains goes through me. what if he doesn't answer? what if he doesn't want to talk? tells me to go away? he is on face book, so he is awake, and i am getting no response. That hurts so much. how long do i wait till i try again? to i try again? do i give up? it trying hurting him? I waited 7 minutes and then sent another 'hi'. nothing. i will stop for now. he has stop trying, then there is nothing that I can do.
Curled up in bed, no point in getting up, I don't want to kids to see me cry all day and be depressed in front of them, so I am in bed. My brother calls, I jump for the phone, not knowing who it is. what to they call that, false hope? Because it's my brother, I don't want to talk. My brothers phone is dying, I think good. I don't want to talk to him. Not because I don't like my brother or that he is saying anything wrong, but because he is not James.
I feel like such a loser, a bum. I am in bed crying and my oldest is taking care of her sister and herself. I know that that is not right, that's my job. But, I don't feel it, I don't feel like trying right now. I want to, I want to do those things that I am supposed to, but I can't see them going well, so why bother.
He's not coming. No he hasn't said that, but if he was up till 7 this morning and doesn't wake up till supper, and then feels that the same thing will happen that happened yesterday. he will be to scared to come. I am going to try and step back again. I don't know for how long or if it will even work at all. but if he comes, I will not talk to him about anything other than non emotional matters. Or at least nothing about his social stuff. I do need to know if he is babysitting still though. But I am not expecting any thing from him today, so i will most likely text him before bed and ask, and see. I am expecting it not to work out. I am hoping beyond hope that he doesn't stay focused on yesterday, and decides to move forward, to get better. and wants to try.
2 thirty in the afternoon and he texts me that he can't watch the kids next week. Makes me cry. I knew it. I just knew it. He says he is not up to it. for fuck sakes. I don't know if it is cause I pushed him? is it my fault that they don't get to see him, is it cause I asked hard questions, is it cause he isn't getting better and wasn't anyways? is it my fault? again? did he make something he wanted without dealing and coping again? it hurts. Now everyone will suffer again. when is he supposed to deal with life? when is he supposed to be strong enough to talk about these things? I have been so nervous all day, that I have been ripping me own skin around my fingers off. It hurts, and I don't care. That is what I do when I am very nervous. I chew my fingers and pull at them. and I don't care, I know they will hurt and I know they look ugly, and I don't care, I can't stop. "k. how is ur day?" 'Crappy" "wanna tell me" "nothing much has changed from last night" 'ok, do you need professional help" "probably, but doubt i will find any on a Sunday" "suicide hot line might know" "meh" well ok then. again he shows no interest in getting better. doesn't even seem to care that he wants to kill himself, doesn't seem to think that's bad any more. I"m so scared. did we just lose him? I can't. I can't breath and live with out him. NO! This can't be the way it is going to end. dear god please no. How could he ever think that that would make things better. he can get better, life can be good, he has dont it before dammit, why doesn't he want it again? omg, this can't be happening. I ask about visiting. No answer. I ask again minutes later. No answer. I ask him to answer me please minutes after that. no answer. very scared. Has he given up? I ask if he is safe half hour later. He says yes. I ask him what he did last night while he wasn't sleeping, no answer. that hard to say he was playing a game? or was he looking up ways to die? why wouldn't he say what he was doing?
The phone rings, maybe its him, doesn't want to text. It's his house. shit. not him, but his parents. shit. Did he do something already? I answer. "hello" 'hi you. How are you?" "ok" "yeah I can see, he isn't doing that good either. but just wanted to deal with the finances here before monday." i know he isn't doing that well. but for her to know, that's bad. I give her his account number. She says that she is keeping a close eye on him today and that he didn't want to talk to her either. Again that's bad, cause he almost always talks to her. if he doesn't get better, they are going to call mental health and see what we can/should do. I mention that we were texting and what he was saying and that he didn't want to call suicide hot line. She sighs and says that he didn't take his pill this morning. I know he didn't take his pills before he left. and that he didn't want to last night. I say this, she says that he says that he did take them last night. I wonder if he is lying. Why would he lie about it when he says that he is not going to take his morning pill though. I tell her that I am worried that without his anti depressants and anti anxiety and all that, then his thoughts will get worse. and that maybe he needs to be admitted. She says, yes, that's why they will call and if he wants to go in, they will take him. she says hang in there, and to let them know if I know anything that they need to know. I agree.
Is this my life? my husband in a nut house because of the stress of being my husband? will he get better there? how long before he is tired of being sick before he starts to try and get better? we talking a year? what about the bills? what happens to someone that gets admitted? can they have visitors? would I want to take the kids there? would he want us? would he be safe there? omg I hate this. I start to bawl my head off. This is what it is right now, suicide watch. o.m.g. I can't stop crying. How am I supposed to live? How am I supposed to get up and cook and go to work and be fine knowing that I could get the one phone call that I will never live through at any time? How am I supposed to be the mom that my kids need when I can't move?
After crying some more and starting to pass out, I try to get Doris to do up supper, but she doesn't want to do it herself. I understand that, and I shouldn't even be asking her. I tell her if she helps, I will do supper. So we do it together, Irene even gets pulled into helping. And it was a very yummy supper. Doris didn't eat that much. A little worried. I will keep an eye on that. I don't need her to start getting worried and not eating. I even manage to do up the laundry while the girls do dishes. I kinda like them doing the dishes. One washes, one dry's. both help me. I like it. talk to some friends, doesn't help that much, just makes it more of a reality. I keep trying to text him. Odd things. the weather, movies. That I love him. I get nothing back. does he really want me to leave him alone? for how long? forever? does he want to be with me as my boyfriend anymore? Should I give up and walk away? what would that show him and my kids? when it gets hard, give up. Doris comes to say good night. I remind her that she can talk to me at anytime about anything. she says i know. I say is there anything you want to talk about? she tells me that she can't keep living like this, she can't handle it. did she over hear my talks with my friends? where did she get that from? "what can't you handle? living like what?" "we had our dad leave now we have this dad leave" "he's not gone yet" "i know, he went to get better, but it feels the same" " i know" "will he ever get better?" "i dunno" "will he ever come home" "not if he doesn't get better" "will we see aunty and all them again? will great grampa still send presents?" "if we are not a family with his family anymore, then probably not." "oh" we talk some more about life and bills and money and I explain that these are my worries, not her's.
I hate this, I can't stand not knowing what is going on, not when it has something to do with me, or can affect me. I have no idea if he is ok, or if this is what he wants, to not be with me anymore. His mom email stating that he is going to call his doctor. That's good, but why? Just to tell his doctor that he isn't better? is it to try and get admitted? She emails back that her goal is admittance. is that his goal? is that what he will ask for? what if the doc says no? will he fight for it? will he be ok? what if he doesn't even call? I'm so lost and scared right now. I hope that I can sleep tonight but I wonder what time it will be and I can't keep missing work. I am to train the new guy tomorrow and they are short staffed and need me. But I don't want to, I don't want to deal. he friend signs online, I ask her to text him and see if it is just me he is ignoring. soon it shows that she is away and I get now answer. Is it me? does anyone want to help me? is there something wrong with me? what can I do that will be better? how do I get better? can i?
try again. I text James "r u ok?" no response. why isn't he answering me? he answered that one earlier. Is he ashamed? or is he done with me? I text one final text "'let me be there for you. i fucking hate this! ur hurt, im hurt, and u shut me out. I have to call around just to see if ur alive! Don't shut me out. it hurts us both. I need u. I want you. Please....I'm begging. Don't shut me out." I'm praying and hoping that I will get an answer. But I don't expect one. I half expect to hear a break up text. That he can't, he wont, that we are done, he will come and get his stuff and all that. i'm bawling again. how am I going to live me life like this?
He texts me @ quarter to 11. "i am really hating life now it seems i can't escape it by sleeping" 'i love you, very much. tell me anything u want. please." "i think i might get mom to take me in tonight. I think I figured out how to kill myself now i'm afraid I might do it" oh shit. I call him mom. His mom says she is staying with him for the night and not to worry about it. are you serious? how can you not be worried or scared shitless when he says he knows how to do it? He knows that she is there and would plan for that. omg. OMG. I start to lose it, I am crying my head off, I can't calm down. He says "i am done with taking my meds too" "ok, no meds, ok. wanna tell me how?" "i'm tired of hurting people all the time and of ppl having to worry about me. No, cause if i can't get help this time there will be no next time" OMG. OMG. i am freaking out. I can't get control. he will still need to work even in the hospital, and he doesn't he will do that? omg, it can't go this way? He can't do this to me. This can't be the way it ends? can his mom actually help him by being there? will I get a call in the morning? omg. I can't do this, no, it can't happen. And he wont tell me so that I can save him? he doesn't want to be saved? OMG. please god save him. I can't live with out him. I can't. I will lose it. " i love u. What kind of help do u want? wanna tell me more? I couldn't live without u. That would hurt the most. please I love u." "i want something other than just being handed a script for meds that don't work" "that's ok. That's good. I agree" 'i am tired of just going along with the drs, it has seemed to get me now where" OMG, but the doctor's have told him things that he needs to do like moodgym.com and other things that he had to do, to get better. omg, what does he think he can get? what is he looking for? "ok. Now what?" "they don't seem to take me serious. Maybe if i stop eating or talking or something they will" "I love u. I'm listening, I take you serious" "i know" "I am all ur's. I am putty in ur hands for ur voice. wanna tell me more?" "ok, i love u. anytime, day or night, i'm here. I love u with everything I have." I'm so numb now. I am not crying anymore. but I can't feel anything else either.
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