I wake up dizzy, this happens sometimes from my labrynthitis. I am struggling to get the kids ready for school, and it is only their second day of school. When the floor moves without me, it makes if very hard to even turn around in the kitchen, where breakfast and lunches get all fixed up. the night before James had said yes to getting up and helping with the kids. I didn't fully expect this, as I knew that he would rather sleep and when he would rather sleep, then he doesn't get out of bed. I guess I don't know if he is feeling anything else, if he is thinking anything else, but I know when he is tired, he wont get out of bed. I go to our bedroom and he is sitting in bed, laying against the head board. eyes shut. I turn on the light. He squints with his eyes closed. Probably my first mistake. But to late to take it back now. I explain to James that I need help, I need him to support me right now, I need assistance, as I am sick right now. I need him to be there for me. I can't stay in the bedroom and chat, I still need to get the kids off to school. I continue by myself. I realize James isn't getting out of bed. the kids are gone and I have 10-12 minutes before I need to get in the shower. I ask him whats up? he says panic. did you take a pill? yes. (so its that bad) why? I don't know.
I hate that answer, he is so used to hiding and avoiding that he never looks at what could be causing it, and therefore never can figure out what his triggers are. But, no one, including himself has made him look at it hard, because when he does he just shuts down more, he gets more panicky, he gets more anxious, so no one makes him do it, cause we don't want to do that to him, and no one wants to do that to themselves. Except if it will make it go away in the long run. If you can suffer enough to find out what is hurting you and make it go away, then I think it is worth it. But I don't know the pain and the discomfort and the displeasure that he experiences. So maybe I am wrong.
While in my shower I think. I'm a thinker, I also try to figure things out and plan and execute. I realize that, I asked him to help, I asked him to support me, did that scare him? Does being there, or the lack of, cause him to go down? Can he be there for me?
I tell him, through tears, that if living with me, being there for me, is causing him to crash. Then he needs to think about not living here. If that is what it takes for him to get better, then he needs to leave and not be with me and the kids anymore. Hardest thing I have ever done. I call the babysitter and make sure that the kids are taken care of. I cry all the way to work. I call my mom to give a heads up, cause if we have to do anything with the house, her name is on it too. I cry at work. I manage to get through work though. I pick up the kids and go home. James is there.
The kids go to bed. I go to bed. He still hasn't talked to me. How much longer? he said that he wanted to fix this sooner than later. But he doesn't come to me, he doesn't text me. Is he to scared? Is it better to be like this? If he wants to get better, shouldn't he want to come and talk and see if it gets better? I text him, if he wants to talk. He cell phone rings beside my head. Well he is not going to get that text, so if I want to deal with things, I will have to get up and out of bed and take it to him. I get up. I give him his cell phone. I explain that I was texting him and it went off beside me and that would make it very hard for him to answer me. He doesn't know what to talk about. he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know if I caused the panic attack or not for sure. He doesn't know what he wants in life and he doesn't know where to go and how to get there. I tell him he has to find another doctor that will be more available to him. One that will actually talk to him, not just give him pills. he doesn't like pills, but it is the only thing that he is doing to get better right now. We argue a bit more, and we end up with him crying and me consoling him while we go to bed. Nothing has been solved yet. If I don't have a solution, I keep looking for one.
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