Thursday December 16 2010

Well... this week has been a bit crazy, training on a new position, and crappy crappy weather, making the roads around here horrible to drive on.  Migraines almost daily and trying to figure out if it is due to stress or the lighting on the new desk.  Both suck.  I missed a couple days, but the fact that I am back here says something too right?  I am trying, just like James needs to be, I might not make every day, but I have to try for every day.  Hoping that the strategy will help with James.  Going to look at the 'to do list' every Monday so that it doesn't get carried away and stressed over.  Finally managed to do the floors this week with the new cleaning schedule that we are trying on.  It has been hard to switch over, just remembering basically has been the hardest part.  Trying out FLYlady way of life, or at least some of it anyways.  And one moto is 'You can do anything in 15 minutes' and its true, and if you think about it, most cleaning jobs shouldn't take more that 15 min.  So what we have decided to change was when we cleaned.  We used to leave everything for Sunday.  Then we would all spend a decent chuck of our time cleaning.  It sucked sometimes too, because I would actually not make plans for the fact that we would have to change our cleaning to a busier day or not go at all.  With laundry being included on that list for Sunday, it made if very hard to go and do anything, when I would have to have my laundry all done for Monday morning.  However, with FLYlady, one thing that you are supposed to do, to avoid CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome) is to take a load down in the morning and when you get home switch it and then before bed, fold and put away.  Now that might sound extreme and it sometimes feels that way.  So first we had to decide if we wanted to do everything by sorting.  Colors, jeans, whites, and towels.  or by persons.  We ended up going with persons.  So I stayed with Sunday, so that I can have fresh cleaned clothes to start the week off with.  Then on Monday Irene puts her laundry in the washer before school.  And when she gets home, switches it and then before bed she can take it out.  On Wednesday, Doris's turn.  Friday is James' turn and Saturday is left overs.  We skipped Tue and Thur because of our Taekwondo commitments.

Monday December 13 2010

ok, so second night, yay, I did it.  Well hopefully i can keep it up too.  but we will see.  For me today was a good and bad day.  So far it seems like it was about the same for James.  I am trying to make it a point to show him the litle things matter, but I still find I say good job and he doesn't think it is, so he doens't believe and then it doesn't matter that he did it.  How do you boost someones self esteem when they dont want to believe that they are ever going to b good enough? 

All of my usual techniques that i would use on other people don't work.  Like yesterday, I was trying to get him to come with me and the girls to see Santa, something I make a point of doing every year for them.  and he knows that this is important to me and the girls.  They are still young enough for it to matter to them.  and he did want to.  So I tried to reason with him about how it what would be worse?  ther guilt and regrett of missing it, or the fear of going?  and he said the guilt and regret, but still couldn't pick the lesser evil.  And that is where I get stumped.  I don't understand how if you decide that it is the better route and then walk away.  how do you do that? 

yesterday proved that I still need to work on it too, i didn't yell at him, so better than in the past, but asking questions can cause him to close down.  and he says that I was pushing yesterday.  I was talking, and asking him to talk, but I did leave him for an hour, and come back, just like our doc has said and he still didn't talk, so I talked.  Explaining that he can, that he doesn't want the other feelings, that he has to get up and push through it.  And then me and the girls leave anyways with out him, come back and I see his mom there.  Pisses me RIGHT OFF!!!  Not once did he text me or call me that he needed help, or anthying.  he still doesn't turn to me.  Is it because I wont drop everything and run to him?  I have kids, he needs to know this, maybe it is me that needs to understand that he will always need someone, and if he thinks I am busy with the girls, he wont turn to me.  but he never says thats why when I ask him.  So I still feel that he doesn't feel like he can trust me, that if he lets me in, he thinks I will judge him and turn him away like everyone else.  his mom has proved that she wont do that, but he isn't letting me prove that, even though everything we have already been through isn't enough proof?  I wish i could understand.  If he always has to have someone there for him, then that is something I need to know if I can live with, becasue with me having kids, it just wont happen that I will always be there, and I will resent him if I have to leave my lfie for him.  He doesn't want that and neither do I.  How does his mother do it?  What is he going to do when she is not there?  has she not thought of that?  When will he learn to deal on his own?  what happens when she doesn't answer her phone and he won't call me?  Maybe I'm the back up.   If she doesn't answer, maybe that's when he calls me.  He  did call me last week, well text me I guess, to let me know that he couldn't help me with the kids, and couldn't find a replacement.  couldn't deal.  I don't think he saw or even talked to his mom.  And by the time I got home that day he seemed ok.  Its so hard, I want to talk about it, fix it, figure it out, but talking about it can make it worse, it can bring those feelings on again.  that makes it very hard and difficult for me to talk to him. cuase I can't just say what I want when I want.  I always have to double think it to make sure its ok.  double check it. 

yesterday was brought on by being overwhelmed.  But when i asked him from what, his famous answer is 'i dunno'  I  ask him if he is going to think about it, pick at it, I even lay out our schedule, one thing a day.  Not to bad, considering a day is 16 hours long for the most part.  But he still doesn't know.  Then I come home and he has a whole list for his mom of things that are bothering him.......wtf?  that hurts.  he said it was cause I don't push.  I asked him what she does then, 'i dunno'  well that gives me so much to work with, I can totally get better with that......

feeling lost, don't know what to do.  Sometimes I feel we are closer, and then something like that happens, or even know, I am holed up in the bedroom he is in the living room, kids in bed, and what do we do?  We go our separate ways until bed time.  We don't talk it seems, because mostly, anything can hurt him, even me talking about my work.  Not sure what we are supposed to talk about then.  Not sure how we are working on things.  We get a plan and then its like a week later, the plan that we drew up doesn't matter anymore.  Like we planned on how we were going to slowly fix up the problems in the house (one of his problems with being overwhelmed because HE has to do all the problems) he wont teach me so I can do it, or ask for help, so he leaves it all on his shoulders and then blames himself because he stacked it to high on himself to do it.  We made this plan about 2 months ago.  10 dollars a pay check to slowly get supplies to fix up the one renovation that is hanging over our heads.  But either that is not moving fast enough or i dunno, cause I guess that is still bugging him that he has all this stuff to do and can't get any of it done.  We always seem to make a list and then what happens.  He never looks at it again, or he finds the list over whelming, but when he talks with his mom, that's what they do, make a list.  Second time that she has come out here for him, because of us and the house, and made a list.  Will she ever tire of that?  What does she think it matters?  For most people it sets goals and time lines and just boundaries, cause then you know what you need to and not need to do, but that can be just as bad for James as looking at the half done project.  Or at least I am sure that it is, or else why can't he go and deal with the list that he and I made?  Has to have his mom make one?  Does he do it just so his mom is there and being with him?  Like people seeking attention?    I don't know.  Will I ever know that, highly unlikely.  Ok, well that was 25 min, not 15, but I figured why not.  Was in the mood.  I do miss blogging, but it has been hard to find the time it seems to take what little time we have away from him seems silly.  But I think I need this just as much as he should be doing it for.

Sunday December 12 2010

alright so it has been a very long time since I wrote on here.  Going to try and do at least 15 minutes every day.  I said try.  We will see what will happen.  it is best to do it at the end of the night, but it is hard at the end of the night, because I just want to go to bed.  Also hard to leave his side still.  I am hardly on the computer now a days, between the kids and spending time with everyone.  But I do manage to get on the computer sometimes.  I wanted to write about our last visit to my councilor, but didn't remember to bring my booklet in of the notes that I took.  yes I took notes.  I normally have a great memory for those types of things.  Things I have to learn and do, but I discovered, when I was trying one day to talk to James about the things that we were supposed to be doing, that I couldn't remember our last visit very well.  So I made sure that I took notes this time.  I also know that we only have a few more sessions left, well that are free anyways.  And it does sound like my councilor doesn't do much more than that.  But o well, 12 is better than none, and we lost 2 from canceling.  so I think that we only have one or two sessions left.  than James will be on his own with his councilor.  Good news on that, he did manage to get into the one from Edmonton.  The one that seemed to help so much while he was in the hospital.  So that's good.  But James still has a habit of not writing.  So then he comes home and forgets most of it, and is two days after, basically forgets everything.  today was not a good day for James.  that was three bad days this week.  Two were break downs.  Crying, wanting to end it all, hating life.  Wondering why life is so bad to him.  Not that much that I can do about that either.  Our first visit to the councilor mentioned that we had to work on his self esteem.  its like a bucket with holes in it.  if he doesn't patch those holes then everything every one says just falls out the holes.  I find that seems to be such a big deal.  And so does James.  He his finding that he thinks and feels that he can't do anything right, and then he gets scared about doing the wrong things.  His anxiety comes from his poor self esteem.  he has also discovered that it comes from holding in his anger.  Trying to teach him that it is ok to get mad is a very hard thing to do.  Because in most cases, he knows that he is not supposed to yell at the kids or me, and of course never to hit us.  which is true, but that doesn't me that he has to stop feeling those things.  Every one has those feelings.  Its ok to experience them.  its whether or not we react to them of course, or what we do with them.  So working on that.  He is considering, since he has had three bad days this week, being admitted to a real phyc clinic.  Even though he states that he WILL NOT ever go back to the hospital.  I am not sure what he thinks that he will find better or different in a real institution.  I am worried that he still believes that the doctors will cure him.  They wont.  They will only ever be able to tell him what to do.  I saw and episode on CBT with an OCD patient and how she had to deal with her OCD.  Her doctor would require her to actually place her hands on a dirty trash can and then touch her face.  Now for OCD patients, that is a very very very hard thing to do.  But she still had to be the one to do it.  The doctors are saying, to the relaxation, to the group therapy, do the breathing, do the writing and James is not doing them and then still complaining that he is not getting better.  He told me tonight that his mom offered her place to him.  that made me mad.  it didn't work last time, what would make her think it would help this time?  he needs to learn to deal and relax after stress, not run from it!  he declined because of other reasons.  We are going to try and write every day.  Both of us.  If we both do it together maybe it will get done.  My 15 minutes is up for tonight though.  So I will write again tomorrow if everything goes smooth.  Sorry its short and no thorough.  But that's it folks.

Monday october 25 2010

Today was a good day.  great work, good customers.  little tired still today.  wonder if it is lack of banana's that I am used to having in the morning, or maybe lack of excercise.  mmm.  will have to test that out.

Irene was playing on the way home today though, from the bus, so going to have to do something about that.  Told Doris that she doesn't have to make sure Irene comes home any more. and told Irene that she is fully responsible if Doris walks away, it will be her job to do her thing or not and it wont be Doris' fault.  Lets see what that does.

quick bite, James cooked.  good job.  didn't even look that stressed, thats even better.  head into town for couciling.  Got james in to see my free councilor.  going to go in together.  drop of the kids with his mom and head on over there.  have to wait outside a bit, early for the appointment.  James seems like he is doing good still, and thats good.  The councilor doesn't look to happy that my boyfriend is there, but he kinda said it. so, here he is.  we go back up to the office.  sit down.  We both sit on the couch.  I sit at one end of the couch, and James sits right beside me.  The councilor jumps right onto asking how things are and getting to know James.  Asking about a plan to get better, stating that that is the only way that he will get any where.  he asks what his past experiences where from other councilors, explains that psyciatrist are more for meds and that psycologist do more of the counciling part, which confirms what his crisis councilor say.  which also explains why I brought James in to see my psycologist.  the councilor asks about techniques he has learned and what he does to relax.  james can't really remember much, he states self hypnosis, but thats about it and it doesn't always work.  ok.  the councilor gets up and start to write on the white board.  he draws a speedometer and calls it the emotional speedometer.  It looked just like a speedometer from your car.  he drew on the speeds, from zero to 100.  50 being in the middle, zero being at the bottom left, and 100 being at the bottom right.  Zero indicates complete calm.  He said you might have to be dead to be that calm.  40 being very calm, that is were you need to be to sleep.  60 is alert.  which is were you want to be for a regular normal state.  70 being anxious, but it is ok, 80 being anxious and its not ok, 90 being in panic mode, and having physical indicators, shaking, upset tummy, heart rate increased, breathings increased, tensing of muscles, twitching, diahrea, nausea, vomiting, and 100 being passed out, gone.  I look at that and think to my self, shit, I was in the 90-100 mode when I had my first visit??  that seems so crazy, i am not the one with anxiety problems!  I have never thought that I have had anxiety, stress sure, but anxiety?  I am starting to realize that they seem to go hand in hand.  maybe even the same thing.   The councilor says that the first step is to monitor then work on calm.  He asked if James knew the A B C's of anxiety.  no.  okay, A is actual event, B is belief, C is Consequence and D is dispute.  The councilor explains that most people think it is the a or c that causes the anxiety, but it is always to b.  the belief.  its not the heights that are scary, its the belief of falling.  You must ask yourself, is there any immediate danger?  anything life threatening?  then you can calm down, or at least ride it out.  The councilor then asks about breathing techniques, and if James was taught any.  James says not that he can remember.  ok.  SDS.  Slowly, deeply and smoothly.  Breath in while counting to 10, do to 10 to get a full breath, and hold it for 3 seconds.  then release.  The councilor also asks about relaxing techniques.  James isn't sure if he has been taught them, he only remembers some self hypnosis, not much of anything else.  ok.  So the councilor then talks about relaxing muscle groups one at a time.  he stands up and puts his hand in the air and says you start here, points to his fingers, and go down.  he traces down to his neck.  Then go from your head down to your toes.  ok.  he gets us to try out with our hands.  Tense the hands, as hard as you can for seven seconds, then release and relax for 20.  then repeat that muscle group, then move on the the next.  Both techniques should be done 3-5 times a day.  The councilor states that this is all concept, which is small and easy to understand, but doing, is another story.  So we are just working on relaxing and monitoring the anxiety right now.  It is all on how the brain thinks, the things we tell our self.  Its like when you go to australia and you say lets sit in the chair. a what??  a chair"?  whats a chair?  mmm, that thing over there that you sit on.  oh you mean a sit down?  and after 20 days, or a bit of time there, you would start to say, why dont we go have a sit down.  not a chair.  rethinking.  Asking, is there imediate death or danger?  no, then think it through.  The councilor also explains some of the things, how some people's brains are wired a bit different.  the imagines and sounds that a person hears normally goes through the grey matter in the brain before going to the emotions section.  but for some, it skips that and just goes to the emotions.  that is pretty close to what people with anxiety go through.  Doens't mean that that is what James goes through for sure, but his fight or flight relfex does happen more often and quicker than the rest of us.  an image, or sound, memory can cause James to accelerate into panic mode.  which is an emotion.  So again james needs to monitor and try to find certain triggers and feelings and not to avoid either though.  cause fear feeds fear.  then you become scared of the thoughts.  not the thing.  so lots of homework.  Doc wants to know how long we need to do this.  he offers one or two weeks.  james picks two weeks.  I think that is good.  I thought that one week would not be enough time for James to make it a bit of a pattern and start to monitor it.  So two weeks it is.  We reschedule for November 10 at 5.  Time to go home and start to work.  Lets see how they go!

Sunday October 24 2010

Long time for blogging, but trying to spend as much time with the family as possible.  Hard to sit on the computer and do that.

James got Ei and has been doing much better since, and I know that it will help with his parents too.  They don't have to pay our stuff, which will in turn help even more with James and how he will feel about being able to take care of himself.  He is challenging himself, still some more, getting up by 11 now, instead of 12.  He found that his legs were restless last night and so he went to the stationary bike and rode that for a few minutes.  And that's great.  He didn't get to sleep till 2 he said.  And that is another problem.  But as long as he continues with setting up his routine and sticking to it, there is proof that it can get better, might not get perfect, but better.  I would love to exercise with him, but in the past he doesn't like that, and so far still isn't willing to give it a try.  We talked a bit about that on Tuesday, on how he isn't willing to try many of these things that me and others are telling him to try.  his response was that we are treating it like the doc and meds, 'this worked for so and so, it must work for you too' 'not saying that it will work, saying it might help, not even cure, but these are the things to do so you don't need meds' he didn't respond to that.  'you are saying they wont work with out even trying them, we are saying they might work, why do you get to know what will happen and we don't get too know?  if you haven't tried, then you can't say it doesn't either.' he is very upset and is barely even looking at me, never mind talking to me.  I get stuck at this point, the doctors will tell him to exercise and he wont.  but then he will blame them again, because he is already blaming us for saying these, how is he going to get better if he isn't going to try?  and by try, I don't mean once. I gave him a deal breaker, I think it needed to be said, even though we both know, he can't have me with out the kids.  He has till Christmas to find a way to deal.  He says he knows he can't have me without them, and he knows that if I have to choose he will lose, and he says he will try.  I don't like that try, try means that he is allowing himself to fail.  Will he find the parenting stuff?  He hasn't looked at it since the councilor gave it to him, he hasn't researched it or anything, he is just trying to force it down, but that doesn't work, and he knows it.  I have no idea what will come of this, what is going to happen.  Greatest fear, he wont do anything, even when the doc tell him something that he has to do and then he will go down, and it will be every ones elses problems, and i will have to leave.  that is my greatest fear.  But I can't have the kids watching him get mad and hide from him all the time, what does that do to them?  And I can't always leave them to go to him, and that is hard on both of them. things have to get better, but I don't know how they will.  Should I continue to hold his hand, and bring hm all this information and tell him and talk to him, so that he doesn't have to go and do anything for himself to get better?  or should I just wait until he finds a way to help himself, cause even with or without us, when he comes to  a problem, he will have to learn to deal and solve and cope with it.  Just going to have to wait and see I guess.  Will I be strong enough to walk away at Christmas?  I don't know.  Time will tell that one.

Sunday comes, first bad day since he got money.  But, that's cause its Sunday.  maybe not bad, but hard day.  headache, tired, didn't want to get out of bed.  Sunday's are always bad for him, cause its cleaning day.  and he doesn't want to clean, he doesn't want to do anything, that is a big problem when you are a dad and a husband. However, I have not been asking him to help, I have not been making him do anything, and it still bothers him, so that might pose a problem.  One idea, make cleaning day all week.  Monday sweep, Tuesday mop, stuff like that, laundry on going.  But even with piles of dishes and laundry, if he gets over whelmed, i fear he will start to break down.  He doesn't see it as, yes these 5 things need to get done, and I have 5 hours.  can i do them all in five hours?  probably if I work my butt off, but....so what NEEDS to be done.  Do that and then be ok with hanging onto some stuff for the next day.  Delegate.  negotiate, think, figure it out.  deal, cope.  please I hope he learns how to do those things.

Tuesday October 19 2010

Not so good.  Having more bad days.  No coping skills can do that.  Texting him at lunch and he tells me that he has no patients and having a bad day.  I suggest a couple things, nap, meditation.  He doesn't want to do them.  A little cranky from that myself.  Again he is being told things that might work, that have worked on other people, but he doesn't want to even try.  Why?  I don't understand why he isn't willing to try.  Not much I can do, but tell him I love him. 

New work schedule has me running late for this week, text James to see if he can do supper, cause I will only have 30 minutes at home before I have to rush back for Taekwondo.  He doesn't want to, he thinks the babysitter does it today, no that's Thursday.  'i guess so, what time' I explain I am still at work, need to get the kids before I will drive home about 45 minutes yet.  I tell him, if he can't, i can eat in town.  We both know that we can't afford that, but I can't be having the kids starve either.  He says he can do it.  ok.  That sure helps.

Get home.  Soup is on the stove.  Spill marks everywhere.  uh oh.  James is not any where to be seen.  Crap.  Get the kids eating.  Irene throws a fit over the soup.  I tell her to eat or stave.  I go to our room, certain that is where James is.  I tickle him.  No response.  ok, your having a bad day, I'm here for you and you still don't care, well that just makes me feel so special doesn't it?  I lean over and ask him whats up.  'my hand hurts' 'why' 'aldlafjsdofosufd' 'i can't hear you' 'because I punched the wall' wtf?  sigh.  'why did you punch the wall?' 'alskjjjfjfl' he is talking into his pillow that he has over his head and I can't hear him.  I crawl over him and remove the pillow and tell him that I can't hear him.  'because that's all that I could do to stop from throwing the soup all over when it boiled over' my first thought is why did it boil over?  what was so distracting that you couldn't watch the soup for a few minutes, why did you have it up that high, idiot.  but I don't say those and ignore them as soon as I think them.  I don't say much, cause don't know what to say.  I cuddle him a little bit, but have to get back to the kids and supper cause I have to get back to town for taekwondo.  Very frustrating.  another day where the kids dont get to see him, cause he can't handle stress at all. 

Go to taekwondo, come home, and he's on the couch.  He looks still a bit stressed.  We had been texting and I said I love you and he didn't respond back.  Driving home, I was worried, I knew that it was most likely him just being him and not thinking I needed a response, because he thinks that way.  But there are thoughts that maybe he isn't doing good, maybe he can't respond maybe something happened, maybe he finally had enough of me.  I try to ignore those thoughts, cause I know that chance are they are not real, and they are just going to stress me out too.  I ask him if he got my text.  Don't want to get mad at him for not responding if he didn't even get my text in the first place. 'what text' 'the text that i sent you saying i love you' 'mmmm' 'did you get it?' 'yea' 'how come you didn't respond to it?' 'guess I just thought it was in response to my face book status' 'but it wasn't, and you didn't say love you back, that kinda hurts' 'oh' that doesn't help me much, he knows that i like to know that he got the text and that by responding then I know what is going on. 

Monday October 18 2010

Big day.  Can he?

He wanted to talk last night, he was tired of the pain, and said he didn't know what it was from.  I said from anxiety.  'so what are you anxious about?' 'dunno' 'ok, so in the past, what would have been a stresser' 'the kids' 'ok, so what part of the kids is stressing' 'that i have to pick them up tomorrow' 'ok.  that's ok.  and we have two safety nets, your mom and the babysitter, just in case right? does that make it better' 'dunno' 'ok, so would sitting outside in the truck to pick them up work better?" 'its not that part' 'ok, so is it picking them up, or spending the evening with them?' 'being with them' 'ok, but you did ok on the weekend right?' 'but you were there' 'ok, but last Wednesday, when i was at the ER, and you did supper by yourself, you did ok, you did supper, so you didn't crash, and you did it, so you can do it again right?' 'mmmm' 'but you did it, how?' 'they went to their rooms and I didn't have to deal with them' 'ok,well, can still work mostly like that, you just have to do supper, homework will be done' 'and get Irene to bed' 'but you did that Tuesday night, when I took Doris in to taekwondo, and you did that one too, you didn't crash, you managed through it' 'mmm, i guess' 'i am not sure what you need from me or what else to say, except that I know you can, you are strong, you can do it.  do you remember the 5 breaths that I told you about?' 'yes' 'don't be scared to use that, and let the kids know that you are too' 'i just want the pain to stop' 'i know, and if it is from anxiety, then you have to deal with your anxiety to make it go away' 'remember your friend, she pushed through it too, and so can you, we can't run away and avoid it right?' ' i know' 'ok' I am at a loss again, he knows everything that he is supposed to be doing, but still struggles.  I am just there beside him gently talking to him.  He gets so down the minute something doesn't work the way it is supposed to.  That's depression for sure.  But he doesn't want to be on depression pills.  I want him to sign up for moodgym ' even if all you do is sign up, and it doesn't have to be right now, but their main focus is depression and that is what you are struggling from right now more than your anxiety' 'mmm'  I hope he finds a way, even if it isn't moodgym but something else, just finds a way to deal.

Turns out he didn't sing up.  He did make taekwondo though.  That's good.  could tell some stress.  but he did it.  they went home and cooked.  My appointment didn't happen.  I get to come home early, almost an hour early.  I get to have supper with all of them too.  yay.  The kids and I are still eating when James finishes and leaves, to go lay down.  Instant mad.  he had them for all of, an hour, and I just get home, and no family time, or even family here.  Just run away, don't spend time with us, cause not like you can go and have alone time once they are in bed or anything.  Positive thoughts, positive thoughts.  He did do it, how can we make it better next time?  I go and tell him, good job, proud, but next time, he can't run away until they are in bed. 'ok'  I finish getting the kids ready for bed and a friend comes over with their puppy that we are babysitting.  need some help, call James.  he comes, talks, helps.  That's good too.  the dogs actually arent getting along and I worry.  He will stress over that.  crap.  finish off the night, like a regular night, nothing big, nothing small, just a night.

Sunday october 17 2010

Bin a couple days since I posted, busy life and all.  Trying to spend my time with James and my kids.  Its hard to split that time.  I am trying, but I just can't stay in bed with him all the time, and sometimes I think that when I stay in the bed with him, that he stays in there cause I am there.  But then if I leave, it sometimes seems to make him go more down.  I have decided that I need to live my life, and he can join me, but I can't stop living just cause he can't join yet.  I have to be with my kids.  I can't leave them by themselves all the time.

Saturday was hard, he was worried about everything, his symptoms seem to have changed, now he gets a sore neck and icky tummy and aches and pains.  and then of course you lay in bed when your sick and it is completely acceptable right?  He didn't make the girls taekwondo on Saturday because of this, or the shopping that we needed to do.  He did say that he was up and watching TV though.  and that's good.  He was still in bed, but awake and trying.  He needs to do more though, distractions are just that, they take your mind away from the problem but don't fix it.  I realize today that he has not looked into the parenting stuff that the councilor has given him yet.  again I fear that he wont do what the say to, cause there isn't a doctor right beside him holding him while he does it.  They tell him to research anxiety, fear, and depression and he doesn't, still hasn't.  he says lately that its more depression or physical pain, not anxiety.  i tell him, that when I tried moodgym it showed me that I had very high anxiety, even though I didn't think I did. but I had the neck pain, the shakes, the tummy upset, the crappy sleep, trouble sleeping.  I had all the symptoms, even though I felt fine.  And that this website, moodgym could help him.  But he has been unwilling so far to even look at it.  I struggle very much with how he wants to get better, but shows that he doesn't.  I don't understand it and he doesn't let me in that much.  He says that he doesn't have those thoughts, 'i can't do it, I'm not worthy, I'm useless' thoughts that one would expect to find in someone struggling to do something that is scary, worry some or hard.  But he says he doesn't, but then he can't seem to do them anyways.  I don't know what to do and find myself telling him that he can do these things to help himself, he just has to do them.  I find him shutting down.  And that is a normal past behavior that I am trying to avoid, but don't know how or what I am supposed to do.  Do I just leave him every time that he can't do something and just sit back and watch?  would that help?  would it hinder?  I ask him what's going on, he says just that 'i feel your pushing and I'm shutting down'  I know this, even though I don't think that telling him he is strong enough, he can get help, he just has to go to his computer, not even leave his own room, would be pushing, and I tell him that I don't know what else to do in this situation.

I find that often he is saying 'yes' or 'uhmm' agreeing to something that we, me or his mother say, and then no follow through.  I don't understand this either, and when I bring up the subject he doesn't have answers.  or he will say, just couldn't, but wont have a plan for next time.  Again that is part of what the websites are for.  His friend on face book that I email with, said the same thing, that she had to just keep pushing through it and telling her self after wards, that it was fine, she was fine, everything was OK.  But I don't think that he does this either, after he has completed a task.  Some times I believe that he will agree just so that we will leave him alone and he never has the intent to do it.  Or of course there is the whole part of him wanting to, but for what ever reason doesn't do it.  Just like the work book and the websites, they can and will help, if he just tries.  I don't understand why he wont try.  Does he not believe?  Does he think that only a doctor one on one can help?  If the doctor tells him to do something at home, will he be able to do it at home?  so far he hasn't.  what if the new doc that he met in the hospital does the same thing.  Tells him to go on the Internet and find something like moodgym and complete it.  Will he do it?  or will he say that he can't and then walk away from this doctor too?

I want to be positive too, but it is very hard for me right now.  I have been sick the last week myself and don't like it.  Not sure what it was, I am starting to think that it was mostly bad food followed with some stress/anxiety.  I have finally found a way to live, and so far am feeling better.  And that is good.  I can't let him hold me down, and that is a bad way to think.  I don't want to think that it is him holding us back or down, but financially it is.  His parents are paying our bills right now.  we can't do anything or go anywhere because we have no money.  I know he feels this stress to and the guilt from it, but then the only thing that he can do it get better.  I am so very scared that he wont.  Can I live with that??  If he never gets better?  can I live with someone who doesn't want better for themselves?  If its not cure able enough to go to work, that is different, there are things to help with that financially, but, can I live with someone that does not want to be the best he can be?  I don't think so.  I fear that I will have to decide that soon.  I have no idea how long it will take for his parents not to be able to pay our bills, or anything like that.  i don't know what we will do if we lose everything.  Will I still be able to stand beside him when he is the reason we wont have anything?  i dunno right now.  I am scared that I wont be able to.  But for maybe a different reason.

family night, movie night.  He spent most of the day in bed again today.  Aches and pain again he says not anxiety.  I still think he doesn't believe that that is what it is.  And of course I could be wrong, but if he would just look it up, if he doesn't believe me then.  He wants to go to the doctor, what if the doctor tells him the same thing and tells him to deal with the stress.  Then what?  right now I think that is not going to happen if that is what the doc says.  Or maybe the doc will give him pills, will that help?  What does he think the doc will do?  So frustrating.  He finally came out of bed around 2 in the afternoon.  He came up to me, while i was cleaning.  I made a point to stop and cuddle into him.  Show him that I notice him, love him and appreciate him.  Or at least I hope that's what he would feel.  In the past, I would have continued cleaning and that would have forced him to leave me alone.  I would have been mad and he would have been upset, and i would have thought, well maybe if he helped, I would have more time for him.  And I do still feel that way, but i know that he is struggling and he has not helped clean since he got home, he has not had the kids except the night I was in the ER getting checked out, and he has not had to cook.  He has had a responsibility free ride since he came home.  But that still doesn't seem to be enough most days.  I am very scared that he will not be able to handle the kids, maybe ever, and that will rip us apart.  I don't want that.  But, I can't do that to him or them.  And I will be the stronger one and leave if it comes to that, but I know that will take some time, before it does come to that.  We are supposed to watch a movie together for family game night.  James barely last 30 minutes before he leaves.  he didn't have supper with us either, upset tummy, and then he goes and leaves.  Says that he is taking pills and to lay down.  One thought jumps through my head, if he hadn't had the left over pizza at 4:30 right when I was starting to cook supper and I told him not too, cause I was starting supper, he wouldn't be so upset now.  another thought is that he can't handle the kids and all we are doing is eating supper.  Yes we had company over and that was stressful cause my friends little boy is mentally challenged and that makes him hard to deal with, but he was gone now.  It should be time to relax and enjoy.  But he has to leave to do it.  he has to run away.  he is still avoiding.  he hasn't worked on anything, I am so so scared that he wont work on anything.  And of course what will happen then?

It hurts when he can't have time for us.  He says often that he needs alone time, how much time is that, in the past it has been all day.  That doesn't work with a wife and kids.  I know he is fine with me, but I am a package deal.  And he might not be able to deal with it.  I pray so much that he can find peace, with or with out us.  I pray that it is with us, but I pray more, just for him to be happy. and healthy.  No matter what.  he loves me, I know this very much.  But I think he hates the kids, or more just can't stand their ways.  But that's kids.  They all push buttons and boundaries and scream and yell and through fits and fuss and fight and argue.  Yes of course they could have been better if I was better, if their dad was better, if James was better.  But they aren't and can't change that, but we can work on better.  I am trying, James has noticed.  I have changed with them, I barely yell anymore, I talk, I make them talk, we figure things out.  he can do that too.  And he is better than before he left, but he is still very quick to say no, even though it might not matter either way, or to just say something like 'I'm the dad, to bad' meaning that he doesn't have to explain or he doesn't have to answer, and that cause such a conflict.  and then he is up in arms with them.  Oh lord, help please.

Tomorrow he is supposed to have his second day alone with the kids.  he is supposed to pick them up from Taekwondo, because I have my own appointment with my psychologist.  I am supposed to also try and get James in with one of his colleges.  James' crisis councilor stated that a psychologist would be the therapy part, not a psychiatrist.  Although he still needs the psychiatrist part.  So since I was seeing mine on Monday, that seemed very convenient.   I am worried that he is stressing over this.  he will have to cook them supper, and bath Irene and get her into bed before I get home.  homework should be done, as the babysitter is still helping with that.  But I think that is why he went down tonight.  he is stressing/anxious about tomorrow alone with the kids and how he will deal with them, since he hasn't figured out how to yet, or what to do with the stress when it arises.  If it puts him into bed at 6 and he can't get up in the morning, will I get a phone call that he can't?  I will have my babysitter to help as a back up plan, but what will that show?  If I ask him, I am sure that he will say that he doesn't know what it is, or maybe, and he wont want to talk about it, even though talking about it might help take some stress off if he is scared about punishment or their attitude or something like that.  we can talk about that, find safety nets, solutions.  I am so worried that he wont.  And that wont help him either.  We have some of the parenting stuff from his crisis councilor, I can help him, if he wants.  I think he knows that.  I am sure that I have told him.  is he scared that he wont change?  He is the only one that can make him.  does he want to?  I really hope that his fear does not hold him back anymore.  When he finally becomes strong enough, there will be no stopping him, but what will that take, to make him strong enough?  Pray, I will.

thursday october 14 2010

wake up, tum still hurts a bit.  not to bad.  but still not fun.  As soon as I get up, Doris says that she doesn't feel good, feels like puking.  another reason I might need to stay home, if it is a flu and other are gettin sick, I don't need to spread it.  call in sick for the rest of the week.  get my ultra sound booked for early tomorrow morning.  call the doc for the note, can't get in today or tomorrow.  crap.  monday? at 12:10.  that will have to do.  Take it.  Decide that I should get up.  James didn't get up when his alarm went off at 9, but I didn't think he would have.  its just about 10 now.  I pull out my computer and start to blog and check facebook.  I ask for the remote.  Turn on the tv.  figure if we watch something it will help him wakeup.  that routine thing again. 

I notice that he is playing with the dog a lot.  I wonder if it is cause the dog is always happy to be with him, never says anything, so he never says anything bad or wrong or judging, can I take a lesson from that?  but how do you fix something if you never mention it?  and when I do mention it and hides from it so that it never gets fixed, what then?  will that continue to happen?

He's playing mario cart with Doris, and they sound like they are having a blast.   I hope that he can capture that.  Cause those are the things he needs to remember are there, and that is how good life can be.

he moved the suround sound system upstairs.  That was one chore that never got done before. He fixed Doris' drawer's, that was needed for almost 6 months.  Oh i hope this continues.  I hope he can find pleasure in fixing things, and in being a dad and a husband again.  I hope those are hopes he wants.

He asked about the frying pan yesterday.  At supper time in front of the kids, i said talk later.  and it never did come up.  Today, while at the stove, he noticed the dents in the stove.  he asked about the frying pan again, saying that I never did explain, I said 'you never asked again lastnight, and I forgot' 'now is later' 'later' 'when later' 'not in front of the kids' 'does it have anything to do with the these?' he puts his finger on the dents.  'yep' 'did you bend it?" "yep'  I go over and move spice and show him the chipped tile in the back splash 'and that' 'wow' 'and it might have been worse, but after a couple times I was only holding the handle' he's kinda shocked I think 'and part of the handle was over by the water cooler' 'so that's what this is from?" he picks up a piece of metal.  'maybe, I thought that was from something else, but could be' 'you couldn't have used the crappy frying pan?" 'it wasn't the one that I had in my hands at the time'  he kinda laughs.  Not much that we can do right?  I kinda knew that it would take for him to want to use the frying pan before he would notice, but at least he was able to put it together.  he is smart and thinking clearly, and that is a good thing.  I do believe that he was right to go without the meds.  He has shown some happiness that he has not shown in almost a year  I know some of that is the fact that we are doing better, touching, loving, holding and talking.  I think talking is the best part of it all, even if it is the hardest.  Even though the sex is great, i think it has to do with the fact that we are bonded and to keep that we need to talking and the holding and the loving.  And then maybe we can fix everything else.

Wednesday october 13 2010

Wake up in pain, try to see if I can just push through it.  It hurts, and the pain waves are causing nausea too.  It hurts.  I decide not to go in and head back to bed.  James is still in bed.  His alarms goes off.  he has that group to go to.  I say we can go in together, he says ya.  He goes back to sleep.  crap.  it starts at 10 and its 9.  We have to leave at 9:30.  I tell him time to get up.  he grunts.  'your going to miss the group' 'I'm not going' 'why' .......... 'you wanted your freedom and to go to these sessions and your not, your laying in bed, how is that going to help you' 'I wanted the anxiety groups' 'that's what this is, just a drop in though, not a whole day group' 'no, its a bridge group' 'what is that then' 'dunno' 'so you wont even try?'  ...................'c'mon James, talk to me, don't shut me out, you talk to nurses and doctors, talk to me too' ...........'are you going to do this with the doctor too?  not talk to him?  how will that help you?".....................'do you want me to leave?' 'no' 'ok then you have to work with me, talk' .......................'I can't stay here, do you want to be alone?' he shrugs.  It hurts me.  I'm getting upset.  this is what i struggle with.  he knows what to do, but in the depression he doesn't.  and doesn't talk to anyone about why.  We might be able to help if he would talk.  I start to get mad 'i don't understand why you wont do anything that is supposed to help you, you have everything that you wanted, and you are still unhappy, you wanted to be home with us, why?  so you could lay in bed?  so you wouldn't go to group therapy?  your not writing in your journal or blogging, or any research, or anything, you can't keep blaming, you said you were done blaming others, when then tell you what you need to do and you don't do it, who's fault is that?"..............I don't want him to think that everything is his fault, but he is the only one that can control what he does or thinks. 'you can do it, you are strong enough, you have to tell yourself that, even if the first time it doesn't work, you have to keep telling yourself that' ............'do you believe those things?' he shrugs.  if he doesn't believe in himself, then their isn't anything anyone can do.  'what do you want?' 'i think i want to be alone.' 'for how long' 'dunno'  I'm mad again.  if there is nothing that can give him hope, like me, then I dunno what to do either.  'well i have to go' I get up and leave, I don't slam the door, but I don't close it nicely either.  I feel bad.  I hate fighting and I don't want to do this, I want to support him, and dunno how.  I want to give him a kiss good bye. I go back into the bedroom.  he is on my side of the bed, he has his head covered with pillows, he's crying.  I bend over him and hold him.  i can only hold that position for a few seconds and then my tummy gets more upset.  I stand up and rub his back.  I remind him that I love him, and that we all do, we all are here for him, we all want what is best for him.  I finish arranging what doc I am going to see, and kiss him good bye.  I remind him, I have my cell phone if he needs me.  I spend pretty much all day at the ER.  We text a bit.  he stayed awake, yay!  I tell him to be proud that it is small steps and he has to be proud of each one of them. no matter how small.  He's watching a movie.  I'm bored.  he hasn't called that Doc he wants yet.  about an hour or so later, he texts that he called.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!  he just needs a referral.  'who needs to do that' 'when i go to see the crisis councilor I will see if she can get my current doc to do it, or i will get my family doc to do it' 'yay, great step, and plan, that awesome!'  trying to get him to text with me, just cause I am so bored sitting at the ER for 4 hours already.  He wants to play his game, so I know that means he wants his time, not texting with me, so I say ok.  I doesn't hurt, I don't like it, but that is just cause I am so bored.  we make plans for him to make supper and his mom to get the kids since I am still at the ER.  James says ok.  Well he doesn't say anything bad, but he probably wouldn't anyways.  I text him to tell him not to worry about homework, cause that would just tress in the past, first night with the kids, lets not worry about it.  Just spend time with the kids.  That should help remind him that the kids can be fun, not just headaches.  I finally get to see the doc after 5.  The doc wants to do the some blood test for my liver and gal bladder.  mmmm.  is that why they told me not to eat or drink?  in case surgery was needed?  i hope not, but wouldn't that be funny for my boss that I keep pissing off with all my time off that I keep needing.  Blood work comes back fine, but they want an ultra sound done to make sure.  ok.  that's for another day.  ok.  can I eat and drink? yep.  ok.  that seems weird to me, just cause if eating and drinking is making me sick, shouldn't I be on something special?  Nope.  ok then.  Call my mom on my way home, she suggests white rice, it is supposed to be easy to digest.  ok.  no butter or soya, WHAT??  that's not fair, and gross.  Doctor didn't give me a note either, but I think that I can get in to see my doc, they would have let me in tomorrow, so I will call, and Friday would work too.  get home and supper is made, everything looks happy and good.  That's good too.  after supper homework. James goes and lays down on the couch.  he looks down a bit, ask if he is ok, yeah.  ok.  tummy starting to hurt just a little bit, not that much.  but still there.   get the kids in to bed.  James and I are sitting on the couch.  'whatcha wanna do?' 'what do you want to do?" ' dude, what do you want to do?" we grin, its funny.  Search the satellite for something to watch.  we joke and hang out while watching tv.  its fun.  head to bed to finish watching it at 10:30.  I ask his plan for tomorrow.  'maybe walk the dog.' 'that's it?" 'ya i guess, why?' 'just trying to figure out what you are going to do from 12 till 11' 'maybe walk the dog' well that tickles my goat a bit, is he scared to tell me, or doesn't want to make plans if he is too scared to do them?  I ask about taekwondo.  might make Friday, after my appointment' 'ok'  we talk a bit about life and my friends and just hang out.  Doesn't take long before we start to kiss and we both know where that is leading.  it doesn't take long and we are having intercourse after some good foreplay.  Sex has been great lately.  It doesn't take James long and he is done, but i'm not.  So he goes to make me happy, but he can't.  Can't finish the job.  I remember how much I hated that when we first moved in together, and that it was a problem then and never got fixed then, is it going to be happening again?  fuck!  I'm so frustrated.  and I get a little snappy 'if you are going to go that easy with foreplay, then we might be able to do that much foreplay, or maybe think about me first before feeling it so much for yourself.' 'i feel like a kid in trouble' 'its not a big deal right now, but if it continues, it will be' 'I'm sorry' 'so we have a problem, we need a plan to fix it and work on it, that's all' I'm calming down, cause I want him to see that problems can be fixed and dealt with. 'ok'  we didn't actually plan out the next time, but since I had already said somethings, I am going to guess that those are the things that he might try.  We roll over cause I have to get up and go to work the next morning, so I want sleep and its after 12 now. 

Tuesday October 12 2010

Wake up.  Ouch.  My tummy hurts so much.  I get up with the kids.  Tired.  My stomach hurts so much though.  I am using both hands to push on it to try and make it feel better.  I decide that I shouldn't go to work if I am in that much pain and have nothing, no pepto or Imodom to take to make it better.  Get the kids off to school and call work.  Manager isn't there and I have to call back later.  James cell goes off to take his pill.  he doesn't.  he says he wont be any more.  Ok.  Sleep for about an hour.  Phone rings. It is the school.  Irene is on the phone saying she just puked in the bathroom and still feels sick.  crap.  I have to go and get her.  My stomach still hurts.  James says he isn't feeling good either, so I don't ask him to get her.  I am tired too and worried that might affect my driving a bit.  But I have to get her.  So I manage to put on some cloths and go to town.  I take all his old meds with me.  Since he is not feeling any better, I need to make sure the meds are out of the house so that he doesn't go back down that road.  Will he go back down that road if he doesn't work on getting better?  so scary of a thought.  We get back home and I put Irene on the couch, telling her that she has to lay down all day if she is not feeling better and I head to bed too.  Don't get much sleep, though.  cuddle and talk with James, not about to much, we try and get the Dr.'s number that he first saw while in 5 south.  But it's kinda hard, and he doesn't want to call.  Well I can't call for him.  We find the number.  He makes an appointment with his crisis councilor for Friday.  That's good.  He tells me how hard that was.  But he did it and that's good I tell him.  Not sure what else to do.  He starts to hide in the bed.  I ask him if he wants me to stay.  he does, then he needs to sit up beside me, work with me a bit.  My tummy still hurts a bit, and I don't like laying down.  he gets up and sits in bed beside me so we can cuddle.  Doesn't take me long and I am passing out cuddling him.  I put the computer away and lay down to snooze.  wake up at 3.  Answer a text to his mom about if he has called yet.  answer no, and he said that he isn't sure he can call any doctors today.  no response from her after that.  Try to go back to sleep.  Doris calls from the bus stop, if she is getting picked up, no, walk.  Time to get up it looks like.  its 4.  We hang out a bit, watching tv, then I go to make supper, just turkey sandwiches cause i don't feel like cooking.  Supper was good.  James is on the computer and I am on the bed.  Decide my tum don't hurt that much, I can take Doris to taekwondo, and i want to get Irene registered now that my aunt can take her.  No one is there to get Irene registered.  tomorrow I guess then.  Tum starts to hurt a tiny bit.  Text with James he says things are going good, that's good.  Taekwondo is over, time to go home.  James says that he is trying to hurry Irene out of the shower, I tell him to not worry about hurrying, just take it easy.  Get home and my tummy is hurting. Take some Kaopectake for the diarrhea and cramps.  It doesn't help.  it stress?  is it still from the bad food on Friday?  I didn't have any diary for supper though.  How do you calm down stress when your not sure what your stressing over?  Am i scared to leave James home alone?  Am I just scared about him? and his recovery?  on not recovery?  he is doing better again at night time, can i deal with that?  he never has to do anything in the evenings or deal with authorities to stress him.  he hasn't figure out how to deal with the depression to get up in the morning.  So much for me to think about, I can't stay home with him to help him.  His mom didn't either but she would come home and if he got suicidal she would come home  I don't have that luxury.  Is he safe here by himself?  did we make the right choice in having him come home?  its what he wants, but he is not doing anything about it.  How will he ever be able to push through it?  He says that he is going to go to the anxiety drop in group tomorrow morning and call for the Dr that he wants tomorrow.  I fear that he wont. Even when he wants something if it isn't wanting it enough, then he still doesn't.  I don't understand, and he doesn't explain.  He shuts down, doesn't talk or let anyone in.  How are we ever going to help if he doesn't talk?  Will he do this with the doc?  why does he talk to the doc and not me?  I know I'm not a doc, but talking helps.  And he has only written in his journal once.  The computer is more fun then dealing with it.  Or so it seems.  he just plays games on it.  he doesn't research, he doesn't blog or anything.  I go to bed, James can't sleep.  He tries to lay in bed for about 30 min.  I don't think that's long enough to know if you can sleep or not.  Again I fear that he is slipping back into old habits.  staying up late and then he uses the 'I'm tired' excuse' he has to make a routine and stick to it, and he knows this, but no one can make him.  If he doesn't do these things to make himself better, how can he blame the doctors when it is not the doctors that are not helping him.  I have to take pain killers just to go to sleep, the pain in my stomach is bad and my jaw hurts and my head hurts.  i think about what my manager said, needing a doctors note, i think if i am still in pain tomorrow, then yep, i should get checked.  I do worry that it might be something else all together, my last pregnancy started that way.  in pain after every time I ate.  And that was stress related too.  I try not to think at all so that I can sleep.  i try not to worry about James and what he is doing.  i want to go to work, I need to sleep.  Sleep is all I think about.

Monday October 11 2010

Thanksgiving day.  Had a crap night. Tossed and turned, hot and cold, dog getting sick.  Finally threw him outside at quarter to five.  James didn't hear anything.  woke up at 8.  too tied, back to bed, i will wake at 9 to visit before my mom leaves and start the day.  I feel James get up and out of bed, look at the clock, its 9:30.  Very proud that he is up and at em, considering I'm not.  That is so weird, but in a good way.  We get up.  My mom is still sleeping and so is Irene.  Doris is playing Mario cart with no sound as to not wake any of us up.  We join her and I lose every time and James and Doris win.  My mom wakes up around 10 or so.  She shocked that Irene is still sleeping too.  The morning goes well.  I am happy, he seems happy and that is a good thing.  It doesn't take long for James to go to his computer though.  he is on it before 11:30.  Mom jumps into the shower and I start laundry.  I make a snack and head to the bed room, where James is on the computer.  I ask how its going, he says fine.  I wonder if he is doing the 'I'm fine' even though my dad just died kinda fine.  Managing, but not really ok kinda fine.  I ask him about the safe letter from the hospital, he hasn't done it yet.  Little upset that he hasn't done it yet.  It feels like it is all over again.  The doctors say, do this work on your own and come back and he doesn't do it, cause they aren't specifically saying you must put your left leg over the right leg in order to win.  And they wont.  Is it starting again, he has work to do, and he isn't doing it, but then can't figure out why he isn't getting better?  I leave it alone though.  Maybe he just forgot and me asking will remind him.  I decide that I can work on my laptop, which is in the bed room, and blog a bit while he plays the computer.  I start to wonder how long he will play this time, and if he is realizing just how much he uses his computer as an escape.  Does he care?  Does he think he needs it that much?  Do the kids drive him to the escape for hours after just playing mario cart?  How much more worse is this than I thought?  Will I have to choose?  will he walk away if he can't find a way to deal?  I have said for a long time, it isn't me that has a problem with dealing with hard things and working on it, its him.  Long time ago, right before he moved into his parents place, he parents were asking me if I was willing to deal and handle this stuff, and even then I thought, that it wasn't me that was having a problem with it.  But maybe that was what they were asking.  I am sure it wasn't, I am sure they were asking if I can handle the break downs, the stress, the fear, the pain, the lack of a job.  Those I can deal with, or have in the past anyways, so I should be able to in the future, but not dealing with problems I can't.  And that is, from the look of it, a symptom of the anxiety.  Avoid the crappy parts.  Don't deal with them and they wont bother you.  No i can't deal with that.  The kids start to fight.  Mom is just about done the shower, i have to put my stuff away to deal with them, cause he wont/can't/shouldn't.  How much longer before he can deal with them? ever?  This bothers me.  A lot.  he can do so much research online for parenting stuff, and again, he doesn't do the work himself, he expects, or at least prefers someone to tell him how he is supposed to act, respond and deal with the kids.  The problem with that, is they only give guide lines, idea's suggestions.  he will still have to play with it and see what works for him, what he can do in that situation and he will have to learn to control his anger or it will never work.  I ask home many more hours he is going to play for.  He says till he finds a save point.  That could be a while.  We all help my mom finish getting ready, time to say goodbye.  it is almost 1.  I go and see if James will come and say goodbye.  i think they need a hug.  I think that my mom needs to remember that he is a good person and that he needs to know that my mom is a big help.  She also suffers from depression and has given advice in the past that he has not done or couldn't do.  He comes out to say good bye.  We all hug, and kiss good bye.  I lean into James, he wraps his arms around me after a few moments with me leaning on him.  he told me that in his game he died and had to start all over again.  that stinks.  The kids want to bike ride, ok.  Time for me and James.  Of course, I see it as time to work on things, and it doesn't take long for him to want to stop talking about it, which shows me that he still doesn't know how to deal with his problems that well.  and that bites.  He isn't sure how he is going to deal with the kids, he isn't sure how he is going to handle the doc's telling him what to do, he isn't sure if he can find another doc.  I tell him that I have started to hate the word 'I dunno' he kinda smiles at that.  He wants to change the subject, so I try to.  The kids come home and that helps cause we don't really talk about it in front of them.  James goes back to his computer and I continue working on my aunt's bottle cap stuff. 

I convince everyone that we need to do a family thing together, the kids want a movie and we want a game.  So after supper we roll the dice to see who wins.  The kids rolled a 6 when we weren't looking and so when I rolled a 3 they won.  James was doing his chainmaille and so was Doris but we all sat down to watch a movie after some arguing over what movie and convincing Doris to stay and watch it cause what matters is that we are all together.  Turns out 'robots" was a good choice, made all of us laugh.  I made sure that I sat beside James to touch, rub his leg.  After that it is time to get the kids ready for bed.  Irene goes first and James and I decide a little guitar hero is in order. Doris wants to join in. She only has time for two rounds then bed time.  James and I continue to play, but only for a set or two, I just can't seem to get into it and hit the notes and it is driving me bonkers.  I suggest that we watch a movie since it is only 9.  Just me and him in bed.  Ok.  We pick 'gamer'  I am snacking on some chips and James is just hanging out.  By the end of the movie my tummy hurts though and a bit upset.  James says that his heartburn is gone though, he had taken Rolaids for it at the begining of the movie.  We cuddle.  I have to sit up, don't feel good.  Go and get Rolaids and water.  Doesn't help.  I start to shake.  Badly again.  Just like the first night after the costco food.   I have my bucket.  I can't catch my breath.  I hurt.  I try to swallow and its hard.  I can feel my mouth filling up a bit with extra saliva, I don't want to puke.  I start to breath faster, I can't control it.  It hurts.  James rubs my back, as much as I want privacy, I need him there too.  I finally catch my breath, and it seems that I can't puke either, start to calm down.  James gets me more water.  I drink it.  I start to shake again though.  I curl up in the fetal position with my bucket under my head, as I am on an incline on my bed.  I start to tell myself 'sleep' 'sleep' its the only word I say in my head.  I notice I am nodding off.  I am exhausted enough to fall asleep.  I move my bucket to the floor and lay down on my bed.  Very shortly after that I hear James crying.  Oh crap.  I roll over.  I start to rub his back asking him whats wrong.  He says he can feel himself falling back down.  He doesn't want to see his doctor anymore, whats the point?  we already decided to find him a new doctor, but he can't focus on this or can't see it as good thing.  he can't find any happiness in his life.  shit.  And there aint much I can do, I can keep telling him ll the things that he can live for, all the things he can make happy, but unless he chooses that, there is nothing that I can do.  Until he tells himself those things, nothing will matter, and I know it is hard to do when you don't care when you see no point.  But that is what he has to do, even if at first he doesn't listen.  It will work, slowly.  He has to choose it though.  I mostly rub his back for several hours before he calms down.  Then he start to rub my leg, and I mention to him how proud I am of all the things that he is doing, like touching my, the three chapters he has read, visiting on Sunday, all those things.  It doesn't take long for us both to feel the touching in our loins and soon we are having very intimate sex again.  it is 4 in the morning.  i know that 6:30 comes early and that's ok, I can work with two hours sleep.  Hopefully with this, passion, he will feel more loved and better tomorrow.

Sunday October 10 2010

wake up, still tired.  Go back to sleep.  Wake up again, don't hear anything, no kids awake, want to keep sleeping then.  James stirs, he puts his arm over me, I push myself over to him so that I can spoon with him.  I miss him still, and want to be with him as much as I can.  He must have gone back to sleep right away, he doesn't wrap his arm around me, just leaves it hanging.  I get negative thoughts, oh he got the good sex, now he doesn't need to touch me any more?  It begins, he is falling again.  Great just fucking Great.  Well I will still go to him and hold him.  Pass back out again for a tiny bit.  Wake up again, feeling more awake, look at the clock, just about 11.  Should get up.  I wonder about this, Sunday's were normally the hardest days for him to get up too, I believe because we do all the house cleaning on one day, Sunday.  And that is a lot of chores, responsibilities for him and he doesn't like those.  But he is supposed to have changed right?  He said in the last couple days of being in the hospital that he was so bored and wished he could be home cause there is so much that he could be doing at home.  Even when he said those, I wondered, if he wants to do them, but wont.  Hard to explain, I know he wants to do them, but the pressure of them, or something like that, gets to be to much and then he never does them.  And then there comes the guilt of not being able to do them, and then he can see the unfinished product sitting there, laughing at him.  I mention that its 11 and we should get up, I have lots to do and don't want to mess up his schedule that much.  he says yep.  I get up and go to the kitchen. he didn't follow me out.  I know he has to get dressed and all that, but I have this dread.  I feel like any other Sunday from before, that he won't be able to get up and their wont be anything that we can do about it.  I start to clean up the kitchen cause I need the frying pan for breakfast.  He hasn't gotten up yet.  shit.  I go to the bedroom, he is laying across the bed.  i ask if he is ok 'ya, just don't feel great' 'wanna talk to me' shrugs his shoulders 'that's what I am hear for, talk to me, whats up?" I don't want to get mad, but if he can get out of bed when the nurse yells at him, why can't he get out of bed when I ask?  He can do it when he has to, but not when he thinks he doesn't have to and he can't seem to change his thinking, or doesn't want to, I dunno.  he never knows what he is thinking to explain it to me.  'my neck hurts, I'm dizzy, feel drugged' 'that's no fun, do you want some pain killers for the neck?' shrugs his shoulders 'sure'  I know he doesn't like pills and that includes pain killers, but sometimes you have too.  I get him some pills and continue with breakfast.  More dread more worry, it feels like the same as before, does he feel it too?  is he worried?  is he changing his thinking?  is he working on it?  Anything?  My mom calls my brother, my brother is going to come out here.  I keep making breakfast, pan scrambler, takes about and hour and a bit to make it all.  James is up and at his computer when I tell him breakfast is ready, at least he is up though.  He comes out.  He talks with my mom and me and my brother, like its just another day.  He looks tired, but you can't tell anything else.  Finish breakfast and I start to clean up.  All three of them check out a video on the computer.  James stays on the computer.  My mom and brother finish their visits, he leaves at quarter to 3.  James is back in bed.  He says that he just feels out of it, not himself.  'what do you mean' 'i dunno'  'wanna tell me what your thinking' 'i dunno'  I still hate that response more that anything.  But I surprisingly don't get that mad over it.  I lay with him a bit.  I ask him to pick three things that are positive.  'I'm not thinking negatively' 'i know, but your not thinking positively either right' 'well no' 'ok, pick three'  I wag my fingers in the air again.  And they hang there.  a full minute goes by with no response from him.  'hhhmmmmm dunno' that bites a bit, me and his family didn't make the list?  I thought that he would just copy that last list he made.  He can't think of anything good?  Not even a little bit?  I am not considered good any more?  Wow that says a little bit doesn't it?  I repeat 'just three things, they don't have to be positive, just nice things then' again i get a zombie like response, a grunt or a groan.  I stop wagging my fingers in the air and tug my arms under my breast.  I am upset that he wont try.  This is why he didn't get better last time, he didn't try.  and he isn't trying now.  His mothers words pop into my head, have a fun weekend, work on the 'homework' after.  But he might need to be working on it now, not waiting.  Look at what he is doing.  We ran out of water when my brother was here and it took him over an hour to go and get that for us.  Irene's chain came off and during their conversation, he screamed at her to wait.  He is freaking out.  In this state he might start looking for a quick way out again.  How to cure the depressed when they wont do what they are told?  He wanted out of the hospital to what?  lay in bed and be miserable?  I don't want to push it too much either, cause I already know that he feels bad that he can't do it and he knows that it hurts a little bit.   And that just makes things worse too.  But what kind of life is this?  I ask him if he is ok with himself right now.  'no' 'ok, so lets change your thinking then' 'mm'  ' no one can change it for you, only you' 'i know'  Then do it ass!  So frustrating.  I have to leave his side because we are having Thanksgiving today and I am cooking everything.  Everything from scratch too. I am stuck in the kitchen now until after supper with everything that needs to be done.  My uncle and aunt show up for supper.  I worry that James will hide it all away and then he will feel embarrassed and ashamed and wont face them again if he hides this time.  But I have to cook, I have a family to take care of and everything else, i can't stay by his side, and he knows this.  Does he resent that I have kids?  that they come first?  Is that why he has started to hate them?  he is always fighting with them, they seem to never be able to enjoy each other, play have fun, that kind of thing, even just sit and talk turns into an argument most times.  James come's out of his bedroom.  he looks...upset? mad?  something like that, he stands against the railing we have that is outside the kitchen, so that he is not in the kitchen with everyone.  I know this is his way of joining without being that close.  I go to him.  Put my arms around him and whisper in his ear that I love him.  i feel that he needs to know this in able to keep it up.  I says he loves me back.  and we hold each other for the few minutes that I have while the potatoes and yams are boiling.  Then I have to leave to finish up.  James even comes over and asks if he can help.  Their isn't much, but he can help move some food around.  He does.  He seems...drugged almost, or out of it, like his head is somewhere else.  Is he wanting to be somewhere else?  I am sure that he doesn't want to be here with everyone when he doesn't feel good.  But it is hard to tell when he is laughing and joking and talking and smiling, it is hard to see that that is a bother.  we get supper all done, and everyone devours supper.  Everyone raves about it.  On to dessert.  Doris's chocolate pie and my Pumpkin pie with homemade whip cream are both raved upon again.  Very soon after, I start to get an upset tummy, I can't finish my dessert, and James leaves to go lay down.  My uncle comments to him as he is leaving.  I know that will hurt, I can't stop it though.  'you going to lay down?" 'yep'  I know it is more than that, but again I leave it alone, I have company and a dirty kitchen to clean up, so I can't go and stay by his side to comfort him, and if he was alone, no one would anyways, so he needs to figure out how to do that.  My uncle soon decides to leave, saying that he needs a nap too.  I wonder if he feels like he should leave cause James is having a hard time.  It's a nice thought, but it wouldn't change anything.  I start to get sick again.  Stress and still some bad food in me, and I don't want this.  this is what my mom gets to see?  How bad will it be when she is gone?  James is on the computer again.  Not for long before he is on the bed and complaining of the pain and dizzy and all that again.  I mention that he should take some pain killers to put it at bay, so that at least he can have a good sleep.  I leave him, its 9 and he is in bed.  I continue cleaning, with my mom's help.  She helped alot.  I wonder if she doesn't like him when she feels that she needs to help me?  What does that make him feel like?  So hard, but the cleaning and stuff needs to be done, no matter what anyone feels about it.  After that, i start to feel a bit better, send the kids to bed, and me and mom play rock band a bit.  Getting tired.  Another long day with little sleep and stress has it in for me.  its 11 and we say good night.  I decide to go check emails and then blog for a bit.  James comes in at 12 to let me read his journal.  I wont copy it, but the jist of it is that he can't handle the kids and that he thinks it is because he can't control them.  Well he will never be able to control them, and that might be a breaking point.  does he see it that way?  will I have to choose my kids or him?  will he leave if he can't find a way?  will he realize that he 'loves' the idea of a family and home and white picket fence, but can't actually do it?  He wants it, but it might not work for him?  I decide to ask "what do you plan to do about that?" "dunno' i explain that it shocks me that he feels the need for control when he answers so many things with dunno, and doesn't look for answers on himself when things don't work.  and that he can't control kids.  'i know' i share somethings with him, feels right, he opened up with me, over a very hard subject, so i feel I should share back.  I explain that he has thoughts in there, in his journal, but i think he is still paraphrasing, not writing exactly what he is thinking down.  and that I have started a blog, but I don't think he is ready to read it,.  I tell him some of my fears, that he will realize that life is easier with out us, that he uses the computer like an alcoholic uses alcohol.  he never looked at it that way before.  ' you use it to run away, to escape from reality and to hid and not deal with it'  he shrugs his shoulders.  I tell him that I have negative thoughts and then have to work on them too, like how I thought that this morning right away when he didn't get up that it was just like the same.  He just shrugs his shoulders.  I congratulate him on having this breakthrough.  'that's why i write things down'  You never used to, I think, so its hard to hear him say that, when it never used to be something that he would do, but something that I always said would work and help just like that.  But none the less he is doing it now, and shouldn't stop. we go to bed and chat some more.  I tell him that even today I have noticed that he hasn't been touchy with me.  And that it hurts a bit.  And that I think he just hasn't realized it.  He shrugs 'mm'  I'm laying on him with my head on his shoulder and my arm across him.  I am stroking his chest.  I continue to cause I know he likes it and its a good feeling.  He brings up his hand that I am laying on and starts to run it through my hair.  It take very little time before I am asleep like that.  he asks if I am asleep, my turn 'mmm'  He bends forward and kisses me, I think he is horny, but I am so tired.  i kiss him back.  kisses again.  His facial hair pokes my cold sore, it hurts, I say ouch.  He says sorry, and lays back down.  I get comfy again in his arms and he runs his fingers through my hair again.  i go to sleep. 

Saturday October 9 2010

around seven in the morning after a horrible night, my friends alarms start to go off on her cell phone.  One problem, she doesn't hear it and it is keeping us awake, from what little sleep that we have even gotten.  I finally get up a 7:23 and find it and give it to her.  James gets up to have some toast and a pill.  I drink more water.  My tummy still hurts.  Go back to bed.  Try cuddling again.  Tell James that as much as I love to cuddling, it is not helping us sleep and we are going to need the sleep.  he agrees.  We cuddle without wrapping our arms around each other and moving our fingers around for comfort and feelings.  Hear noise near 10.  James jumps out of bed.  I ask him if he is ok.  He says 'yep, just getting up cause I don't want to mess up my schedule to much' i agree.  Something that has been said for a long time, and he wants to stick to it.  I know it is going to be hard, just like giving up pop, I drink it non stop, and I don't want him to get back onto it, but that is going to be hard, since it will be right there.  Same with staying up late and getting up early, cause that is what I do.  Getting up early has been a big problem in the past, however in the hospital he had to awake by 7:30 most mornings, and moving around by 9.  So I will be looking for that kind of time frame when Monday starts, even though I am very scared that it wont happen.  i want to talk about how the week will be, babysitting and kids and supper and everything since he is home, but I don't want to stress him out, very fine line that i have to walk, but I also can't afford to keep paying a babysitter when their daddy is at home doing nothing.  He didn't do any homework yesterday and I mention that we need to set a side some time for that today and he agrees.  We start talking again about how he is feeling and doing and it brings us back to when he got admitted.  He is describing he breakdown/breakthrough.  He says that he was just complain and that is what the doc said, 'we want to help you, but all I hear is complaining' I tell James that I would have loved to hear what he was saying.  He tells me that he can't remember it that well to repeat it.  frustrating a tiny bit.  but I know that is the way he is, If I don't get it fresh, my chances of getting it diminish every day.  he describes the whole scene.  Something he hasn't yet to do.  I don't interrupt.  I want to hear, I want him to talk, I want to listen.  Still a tiny bit upset that it has taken him all this time to tell me.  But he is telling me know.  He said that it is now easier to talk to me than his mom.  And for me that was pretty big, cause he would always turn to his mom first and not deal with me, kinda hard when you live with me, supposed to be your wife and friend and we are raising two kids together.  But that is what he would do, still scared that when it gets hard, that he will start to shut down from me again, that he will want to avoid me, cause I cause him the stress.  I don't like that.  I don't want to do that, but I am scared that I will because I don't know how much I can change, if any.  He tells me that they wont help him until he tells them how he planned to kill himself.  I wonder if I should ask.  Will he even tell me know?  if he isn't going to do it anymore than it should be safe to tell me right?  But what if he doesn't?  I ask.  It looks like he is debating whether to tell me or not, or maybe just how I will react, or the fact that he had gone that far and he's worried what I will think of him.  He tells me.  That is good.  Very good.  Hear a knock on the door, my friend saying goodbye they are leaving.  Ok.  Figure it is time to get up. James follows suit.  That's good.  I am worried still that it wont continue.  But I don't want to say anything.  I don't want to wreck it if he is working on it, or even to upset him about reminding him of what he used to be like.  I can't forget though, but I will try to forgive.   My mom is still sleeping, she came in very late last night.  the kids haven't eaten yet.  we are actually hungry, but we avoid dairy products as we believe that we got some food poisoning from Costco, or else why would three of us have gotten sick?  or even him from just two drinks?  I only had 5 myself.  We both eat breakfast.  Start to get ready, mom wants to go to Costco and we have other shopping and stops to make, like the paper work they forgot to give him yesterday.  Get everyone ready and head to town.  Mom wants to buy lunch. James says its all good.  We pick Opa.  End up fighting with Doris, cause she wants subways and she would rather starve then have a caesar salad, which is a fav of hers.  So stubborn.  I spend  a few minutes dealing with that.  James try's too.  Still find him more willing to but heads or argue with the kids then let them have something small.  My mom wanted to buy them a drink, and he said no.  Not me or my mom, he jumped in and said no.  I caught his attention after and said 'if it is ok with my mom, then what does it matter?' 'oh, i guess, ok'  Not going to make the stress from the kids any better if he just wants to tell them no all the time and bug them.  They don't like it and he takes is to far sometimes.  Not sure what to do, he says he is working on it, and so I don't want to say it doesn't seem like it, I see a very little improvement, and I don't want to discourage him, but I have changed to be better for my kids and I can't be fighting with him over it either.  But I can't have them hurting each other over it also.  This is going to be so tough I think.  And of course, as I have said, since it will be so tough, i am very very scared that it will be very easy for him to fall into depression.  there is still just as many things going on in the house that were there when he left and are still there now.  And he says that he wants to work on them, and I want to believe him, but I have heard that before too.  And if the job gets to hard or is a lot more work, it has in the past, made it very upsetting for him then.  And I don't think that he is ready for any of this yet.  he hasn't done enough work on coping and dealing yet I don't think.  Big Sigh.  I guess I will have to wait and see.  Lunch went good, we all ate.  Then Doris wanted Subway and was buying her own.  That's ok too.  James waited outside and it took forever in Subway.  Finally got on our way.  We are again walking holding hands or in each others arms.  It feels great.  Head into town more to hit the hospital.  Forgot to bring in his meds to get disposed of, and the papers that we had to pick up were the disability forms that the doctor filled out.  So that was good.  then get water and ink and back home.  Head up to the west side of town, its on the way out and everything that we need is there.  place to get water, their water filler is broken.  So was decide to get water in our little town, but only one bottle, but that's ok, that's all that we need for the next two days.  Get ink.  Still James says it's good. Head home.  Forget water, mom reminds us as we pull into the driveway.  Oh well, can get that later.  Get home and unloaded, not much to unload though.  James ends up on his computer.  Mom mentions that she can send me and James to a movie or she and the girls can go, so that we can have some alone time.  I love my mom.  She can see that we need the alone time and then offers it.  I mention it to James.  I think that since my tummy isn't that good, I wont have much fun at the movies.  James wants to stay home too.  Since that's what I want, I don't make a big deal about it.  I know that he may want sex and I have mixed feelings about that too.  I want it too, but, again, should we only be working on our sex life every time we are alone?  Or should we be working on us as a couple?  my head says couple.  But.....  We end up doing a quick supper cause I don't have time to make a good supper anymore cause of the movie time.  James comes out to eat supper.  Kids just finish eating and it's time to go.  I know that we wont be doing much, if anything, so we decide to bring in the dog, but we have to bath him first cause he has poop on him, but if we leave him outside, he will just bark at us.  So we bath him.  We work together doing it.  Get him towel dried off.  Let the dog loose in the house to run around.  James gets the laser pointer and gets the dog chasing that.  James asks, 'is this considered blow dry?"  We laugh.  We decide to watch a movie, one a friend recommended.  We curl up together in out bed to watch "across the universe'  James takes off His pants cause of the belt and phone and he says that he doesn't want to be poking me.  ok.  That's fine with me.  We cuddle, wrapped up in each others arms.  I just about fall asleep.  Nodding off James asks if I am awake.  Since I heard him I answer yes.  But I have to pee, so he gets up to pause the movie so I don't miss much, even though I haven't really been watching it any ways.  Come out and he is still standing at the end of the bed, we have no remote for the dvd, so he was waiting to turn it back on.  I have to walk past him to get to my side of the bed.  I walk up to him and we hug.  Then kiss.  Kiss more passionatly.  He moves down to kiss my neck.  I like that.  But I have a conflict about how we should be spending out time, and I don't think its best that we only have sex when we are alone.  I brake loose and suggest we finish watching the movie.  We get back into bed and that only last a few moments before James pulls me on top of him and starts to very passionatly forcebly kiss me.  I like that too, so much that I don't resist anymore.  we keep that up for a bit, the rougher, more needing foreplay.  It feels great.  We slowly undress each other, again feels great.  I had a thought that it was kinda like the first date.  That alone should tell you how much fun it was.  It takes forever it seems to get to the intercourse part.  And I don't know how much longer I can wait before I will have to stop and finish myself or just stop.  Its hard to stay at that moment.  With my on top, I manage to get him inside me without our hands and soon he is pulling me off of him.  I don't understand why.  Does he just want that much control?  He puts me back on, couple strokes and then pulls me off. I want it dammit it, I need it, and he is pulling me off, why?  doesn't he want it too?  If he wants the control, with our talk the other night about sex life, why didn't he mention that?  Should I have asked what he wanted then?  Was that a prompt that I didn't catch?  He reaches over to grab a condom.  That's good.  I know I was scared about if he didn't.  While his hands are busy I take some action of my own.  I get onto him and start to make it feel good.  He pulls me off, breathlessly and says how bout you put one of these on me first?  'oh, your that close?' 'ya' 'well...'  I push back on him and rock a bit more.  he pulls me off.  i laugh.  I can't remember him ever being that close and not handling it.  I kinda like that.  We get the condom on, and it take only a couple minutes for him to finish. I make sure he is finished.  he is.  I'm not.  We roll over and I tell him it wont take long just fuck me.  He listens and only a few minutes and I'm done.  He says 'that didn't take long' 'nope, told ya' But now I have to pee.  So we can't cuddle that much enjoying each others bliss.  Get up and cleaned up.  Turn off the silly movie that was making no sense any ways and now James wants to play Rock Bank Beatles.  Mom texts that they are on their way home.  Ok.  We get playing rock band.  Mom and kids get home.  They get ready for bed.  Mom plays rock band.  That was cool.  James is on the drums and tells me that he will be going to bed soon cause he took his Seriquil.  oh.  he says that he took it cause of all the people coming over tomorrow.  oh.  I don't like that, I don't say anything, expect ok.  But now he is sounding like the doctor.  He believes that it will be to hard and so he runs to the drugs in stead of trying it out and seeing first how hard it might have been.  There isn't that many people coming over tomorrow and they are all people he knows.  We play more rock band.  James is starting to have troubles concentrating.  He says good night, and i get my mom set up to watch a movie.  James went straight to bed.  I go and blog a bit.  I don't want to be spending my time on the blog and not with him, but I know that if he is that drugged that he wont be there with me anyways, but I also think that I need to keep this up for other people.  I can't just write the bad stuff.  I have to write everything so people can see what a life is like with a social phobic.  I go to bed and he is drugged.  No other way to say that.

Friday October 8 2010

Wake up and remember.  James is coming home.  My tummy hurts.  So nervous and excited.  I'm more scared though.  is it too early?  can we all handle it?  will his new found hope be enough?  will I be strong enough to support him? I hope so, I want this too, and I have some idea's and plan on what to do to help, but I know I have anger and I have not been able to help in the past and very scared that I will not be as strong as we need.

Start to get things ready, realize that I need to or should get my running around done before I pick him up.  just less for him to worry about or do.  Kids have no school and so have to get them all ready too.  James calls shortly after 11 saying yep, he is coming home, can I come and get him around 1.  That should work.  i do mentioned that it depends on the speed of the kids and he understands.  he knows that I will anything I can to be there though to.   Manage to get the kids ready to go and get to town.  did go to walmart before picking him up, and that would have been about the worse one out of all the places so that isn't so bad.  I tell him what we still need to do and he is ok with it.  Signing his release papers and we get some new meds.  So that's first.  Cause he needs to take a pill soon from the one med.  Head over to Costco to get some.  Look around there to waste time, we all giggle cause we are all trying to sample all the food that they always have, but we aren't really shopping either.  Get the meds and some lunch.  First time for me eating at Costco.  it was tasting great.  But we all got upset tummies from it.  Doris was very sick, felt like puking, so she laid on the couch all night and didn't go to taekwondo or do anything.  We get home and get to relax for a little bit before worrying about supper.  it has been pretty nice.  holding hands when we can.  Holding each other when we can.  Feeling the love.  Kissing, not making out, just nice kisses.  I missed that more than I thought.  I knew that I missed it.  Just didn't know how much.  And I am sure that it has some of the same feelings for James.  Waited for some friends to come over.  Cuddled on the bed a little bit.  Started making supper, asked James for help, he just wanted to post he comment on face book.  Ok.  Got everything cut up and company showed up.  Asked James if he was going to come and help with supper now.  'oh yeah, oops, i guess, sorry, i forgot'  That bites a bit.  That is something I have not liked in the past and if it is worse now, how will I handle it?  I don't want to get mad.  Not on our first day back.  That would wreck everything.  James helps a little bit.  I know that he doesn't want/or is scared of the responsibilities of home life, but I just can't always do them myself.  I can ask my daughter, but then I wonder how it makes both of them feel?  And how will he ever learn the stress of a regular day if we don't invite him into them.  Mind you there isn't a lot needed done once the veggies were all cut up.  We all started to drink during supper and bs while the kids were still up.  James did well, he does know these people too, but he didn't need a break not once and was laughing and having fun, joking about his visit to to lunny bin.  Although there were somethings that he was saying that was new to me, and that again stung a bit, he is telling friends, but he didn't tell me.  I am still struck with, am I not his best friend?  Or is it so insignificant that he doesn't think I want to hear or something like that?  I want to hear everything that he wants to say.  Finally call it a night at 2 in the morning.  We get to bed, and I am very drunk at this point and mention that I will not be able to have sex.  Still not sure if that is what we should be jumping into or not, just cause, that is not what our relationship was built on and nor will it start.  worried that if the first little bit is all great and then it starts to slag as life gets in the way, that it will start to bum him out and make things worse.  Try to cuddle.  Kinda start to nod off, but not used to sleeping with a man and it is hard to fall asleep.  and I think I don't want to miss the petting that he has started to do.  He asks if I am still awake.  "yes' 'can I ask you something serious' 'uhum'  'you sound excited about that' 'I always want to hear you and your thoughts, so spill' ' well...and let me get this all straight....' I am wondering what it might be, has he realized how much I love him and he wants to pop the question?  I certainly think its about fricken time honestly.  but I don't want to push him either.  Scare him off thing.  'being in there, really made me realize how much I love you and how strong this relationship is....'  wow, is he , maybe...maybe.  'I just want to know if there is anything that you want me to do or not do for sex'  omg, sex!?!  I guess he is a guy, but it started so good and then went there.  'I thought that I already have told you' wondering if I should repeat them, kinda think that will be better at the moment kinds thing though.  Start to feel a bit sick again.  So does James.  he ends up going to the bathroom and has some diarrhea and then I follow suit.  I feel very very very sick at this point, I have a bucket in the bed with me, not beside it, in the bed with me.  Take me until 4:30 before I calm down enough to sleep.  Off and on for the rest of the night, or morning, trying to cuddle still and being hot, and sick, was very rough sleep.