Dec.17.11 I Hate HIM!

Another night that I can't sleep becuase of my emotions getting in the way.  I am starting to hate this a bit.  Not sure if this is a trend that will be continueing too or what.  But I am stressed to the max.  Pissed right OFF right now at the world and him. My ex.  The father of my kids.  Not sure if I have talked much about him on here, but since we have split in 2006 he has gone down hill.  Recently he has gotten engaged and still can't be bothered to talk to his children, much less financially support them.  And of course as he see's it, its my fault, not his and as everyone he knows hears, how I dont let them, because I will get mad if he tries.  Sound like a buthead loser to me.  Its to hard, that the mother MIGHT get mad, so that means that I can't be bothered to even try, but it will be her fault that I missed out on my kids life.  They are old enough, the kids, now to know what a dad is supposed to be, and the see that he is not.  I dont hide these things from my kids either.  Some people believe that I should not talk to my kids about this stuff, but I am not about to be blamed becuase he can't pick up the phone and try and I think people get what they disserve.  Now, dont get me wrong, that doesn't me that I sit here and call him down and point out all his flaws so that my kids think the worse of him, i actually dont really ever talk about him, unless they bring it up.  And even then, I dont bad mouth him.  But i dont sugar coat it either.  I just lay it out.  I tell the truth.

I have been contemplating trying to get in touch with his fiance for the last little bit, since begging him to grow up and support his kids doesn't seem to be working.  I dont know if he got a new cell number or is just ignoring me.  But I know in august it was the same number!  The only way that I know how to get a hold of her is through facebook.  I know, isn't Facebook a beautiful thing?  So many people dont realize how easy it is to see your whole life on there?  every single post you have ever put on there can be seen to anyone willing to take the time to go through them all and read them!  I didn't take the time.  Didn't much care.  I did take the time to snoop a little bit.  I saw back to the part where they got engaged and that was all, I didn't want to continue.  I went back to her facebook today to see.  I think that might have been a mistake.  She is expecting with twins.  Wayne was supposed to be fixed.  he got a vasectomy the year before we broke up.  I went with him, I saw the stitches so I know he did.  So to hear that she is expecting and that her fiance bought her a rose before he went to work for two weeks, was a major kick in the stomach!!!!  I have been wanting a baby for about a year know, but James is scared that he can't.  I know that I am getting older too and I wont want them too far apart.  I am already thinking that I may have to put my wants behind me because Doris is already 11 and that may be too much.  My girls want me to have more kids, so I dont think they would get hurt in any way.  But there just wouldn't have that much in common being so much age different.  and then of course there is the pain of the fact that he is trying to bring two more children into this world when he can't be bother to take care of the two that he already has???  How will Doris feel when she finds that out?  I think she will be a ball of mixed emotions too. She LOVEs babies!! So she will love the idea of him having babies.  And I dont know if she will notice then that she has been ignored for 2 years now.  And then again, she might.  She may realize that he loves those babies and not her.  I dont think I will be able to handle that pain with her very well.  A miracle baby for a man he walked away from his other children?  I dont think that sounds right.  His whole family is acting like these two kids dont exist anymore.  Just move on, and replace them!  Oh how I hate him!  I dont know what to do!  I know it is not my place to say or do anything, but, how can I not?  How is he going to be responsible to them when he can't the ones he already has?  I wrote his fiance a letter tonight, but didn't send it.  She has miscarriage issues and its xmas.  thinking about waiting till after xmas.  but I dont know.  And as much as I dont wish them well, I dont wish them ill either.  Or at least I do try and stop myself when I catch myself.  I dont like bad Karma.  But it frustrates me beyond belief! I dont want to send the letter and stress her out, but I think it is one of my last resorts since I can't seem to communicate with Wayne at all.  can't get any help in any other way from anyone.  I am working non stop, 12 hour days, 7 days a week and I never get to see my own kids, just to make the bills and he gets to enjoy life and start fresh?  I offered in that letter that I wrote to her, that if it is to much to ask of him, to be a responsible dad, then maybe he needs to think about giving up his parental right and then he wont have to be a responsible dad to them anymore.  What a sad line that was.  But it would make stress easier.  At least then I wont have to worry about him trying to see them, bugging us, yes no more money either, but not like I am getting any anyways.  So it would just mean that there would be less stress and we could be our own happy family and not have to worry about sharing my family.  I hate my life sometimes.  Well I am finally starting to yawn a bit, and what a shock, its 1 in the morning.  I worked two jobs today and working a full day tomorrow.  Best try and get some sleep.  Not sure how much that will happen, but got to try right?  I can be very persistent when I want to be.

December 12 2011

Wow.  Today was an emotional roller coaster.  I think i experienced every feeling today.  Everything was going as planned and well, lost a pound this week, yay! We were on time!  Double yay!  Shopping at walmart even went well.  I didnt add to the cart, or as little as possible.  James is normally a better budgeter and i think thats because he never steers from the list.  We made as little as possible for groceries, making our menu from food that we already had so that we could have a few dollars left over from groceries for other things like Christmas shopping or stocking stuffers.  Thankfully we are getting a Christmas hamper from the food bank to help out too.  That comes in on the 16th.  We will need it.  While we were browsing our upgrading options at Rogers my friend and brunch date calla to cancel.  Disappointment.  Then hunger and worry.  James and i didnt eat because we were having a date with a friend and he was paying.  Now we have to eat before i go to work and we have to pay.  We had no back up plan :(. Nothing we can do.  Just keep moving.  Next store doesnt have what i want and i am starting to get frustrated.  It feels like James is following but pushing behind me and i dont like to be rushed. We decide we need to eat out and choose a cheaper place beside mu work.   Hang out at the restaurant before work. Nice calm and relaxing.  Go to work.  New guy, thats on the manager is there to train him.   Not even an hour later the manager is leaving for her kindergarten recital.  Mixed emotions.  Leaving already and i would for my daughter.  Manager says might not be back.  Ok.  no customer come in anyways so a slow long day.  I end up calling James to ask him how to make sure the machine is set up right for the new guy as i am not trained on that part and it is only his second day so he doesnt know for sure either.  I called James because it would have been easier than calling the manager.  Then he tells me he lost $45!  We can't afford that!  Its  his gas money to get back and forth and money to get cheap second hand earring so that Doris can have a nice present from Santa this year!  OMG!  I cant seem to get my frustration away from wanting to yell at him!  And James is the one that is wanting to move on, what is done is done, and I know that, but maybe he should look at what he can make better so that it doesn't happen again?  Get home and still upset and frustrated.  It seems like just when we are finally getting somewhere, we just shoved right back down the ladder.  How long do I have to keep climbing for?  Start looking at finances to see where we can make up the $45 and also to see if we can finish getting xmas stuff.  I have been getting good hours at my second job and my check should pull us through pretty good and his cheq too!  So, calming down a bit.  Still can't sleep though, so wrote this to help. And it did.

August 13th 2011

Wow. I cant believe that i have not posted this year yet! Its hasn't been an easy year thats for sure!

I noticed my last post was in December, so literally this year is what i need to blog about to bring it up to date. Well in January EI started to run out and we had to find some ways to pay the bills. We discussed me working two jobs, or him going to work. James decided that he may be strong enough to work, but he figured that he was not ready to be a full time, basically single dad, if i was to work two jobs. So by the beginning of Feb he started to look for a job. He was applying everywhere that he could. With his sever anxiety causing social phobia, it does limit the jobs that he can apply for. For all of feb, he didnt even get One call. The need for money helped him continue hunting for a job. We no longer had ei, and started selling some of our possessions and asking family for money. It wasn't easy. My mother was a huge help in this area, all she said was how much? His parents were a bit more of a fight, they had to check and see and talk later. I will always remember this part "we will help this time, but we have to save for our rsp's and this will be the last time that we give". I know for me, that was harsh, your son has a disability and needs help, and you do but just this one time? How do you leave your son out to dry? They did mention that they would be willing to pay for labor though, IF there was something that needed to be done and James was able to do it.

This was a quick, couldn't sleep night.

It is now September 10 2011.


James has starting writing only recently, do to my forcing him.  As he went to write in his journal today.  he noticed that yesterday was one year ago that he had moved out to see if that would help the situation. 

One year ago.  Wow.  Things have changed and things haven't changed.

I dont think I will ever have enough time or space to bring this blog up to date completely, so a quick run down.  I am curren't working 3 jobs and about to take on a fourth.  If the fourth one works, I will quick my second job and still have three jobs going.  James is still struggling quite a bit.  It still seems that there is just nothing in this world to keep him happy for very long.  This scares me that he may never get better, unless  he forces himself to maybe.  I am not forsure, but if you always look at the bad, you will always see the bad.  And nothing good will ever be there.  I don't know how to show him the good. 

Back to my promise that I may never keep, but I will keep trying to keep this up to date, it is very hard to find the time though right now, with all my working, but I will still try none the less.

Thursday December 16 2010

Well... this week has been a bit crazy, training on a new position, and crappy crappy weather, making the roads around here horrible to drive on.  Migaines almost daily and trying to figure out if it is due to stress or the lighting on the new desk.  Both suck.  I missed a couple days, but the fact that I am back here says something too right?  I am trying, just like James needs to be, I might not make every day, but I have to try for every day.  Hoping that the strategy will help with James.  Going to look at the 'to do list' every monday so that it doesn't get carried away and stressed over.  Finally managed to do the floors this week with the new cleaning schedule that we are trying on.  It has been hard to switch over, just remembering basically has been the hardest part.  Trying out FLYlady way of life, or at least some of it anyways.  And one moto is 'You can do anything in 15 minutes' and its true, and if you think about it, most cleaning jobs shouldn't take more that 15 min.  So what we have decided to change was when we cleaned.  We used to leave everything for Sunday.  Then we would all spend a decent chuck of our time cleaning.  It sucked sometimes too, because I would actually not make plans for the fact that we would have to change our cleaning to a busier day or not go at all.  With laundry being included on that list for sunday, it made if very hard to go and do anything, when I would have to have my laundry all done for Monday morning.  However, with FLYlady, one thing that you are supposed to do, to avoid CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrom) is to take a load down in the morning and when you get home switch it and then before bed, fold and put away.  Now that might sound extreme and it sometimes feels that way.  So first we had to decide if we wanted to do everthing by sorting.  Colors, jeans, whites, and towels.  or by persons.  We ended up going with persons.  So I stayed with Sunday, so that I can have fresh cleaned clothes to start the week off with.  Then on Monday Irene puts her laundry in the washer before school.  And when she gets home, swithes it and then before bed she can take it out.  On wednesday, Doris's turn.  Friday is James' turn and Saturday is left overs.  We skipped Tue and Thur because of our Taekwondo commitments.  But even if someone leaves there clothes in there, the next person to come down and add there's can take out the other persons and bring it up to be folded and put away.  I must say the ladder doesn't happen very often right now, but in time that should change.  And we do a swish and swipe every morning.  And that really only takes about 5 min.  But then your Bathroom is cleaned every morning.  And this took a little bit of convincing too, just cause we have three bathrooms, and I wasn't going to go from bathroom to bathroom in the morning cleaning up every one of them.  So I explained the plan to James and Doris (since they are the main users of the other two bathrooms) and they agreed.  So that was really cool.