Well, I am going to meet with the crisis councilor and James today. I asked him on Monday if he wanted me to come, he said it would be nice, I asked him what he wanted, if that was what he wanted, me being there, he said yes. So I am going. Very nervous. I haven't seen him or talked, voice wise to him since Friday. We have barely texted even.
Trying to eat breakfast, but the nerves are getting the better of me, and of course that doesn't help. I eat what I can, which is a half serving of vector and banana. I am not able to even finish that. Just a couple bites of both left, but I can't do it. I am trying to read more on the 8 changes of attitude on http://anxieties.com/index.php to better my understanding and also so I am more prepared for this meeting. I don't know what the expect, I don't know what he has been doing, or feeling or anything, so I am very nervous. I am crying. It seems like anything and everything is making my eyes leak. I can't pinpoint anything specific. Just that I feel sad and so I am crying. Not balling. But I have tears go down my cheeks and then I seem to get a grip, for about 10 minutes and then my eyes well up again and tear spill out. That turns out to be the way my whole morning goes.
I dive into my work so that I can try and take my mind off of everything that I am thinking, it works for the most part. But I get bored at work and my mind wonders back to my life and what I am doing in it and the what if's. I make it through the morning and now its lunch time. Lunch time for me is time for the councilor. Off I go. We get there and I had warned James last night that I would be scared and shy so that he would know what to expect out of me. It is just like meeting an old friend that you don't ever talk to anymore. We meet in the lobby, say hi, barely look at each other, we put on those fake smiles, yes we are doing fine in this crappy time, and head upstairs. I don't know what to do or what to say. We sit there, not talking, I can't stand that. Is that what he wants? why is it so hard for him to tell me what he feels? has he missed me? I know he has, how come he can't say it? I start asking him questions and he answers them. They aren't hard, just about the day. We go into the office with the councilor. we get into our chairs. which are situated like a triangle. Her's facing both of ours and ours beside each other with a table in between. She asks James how its going. He mentions that he is not living with us, cause of the kids, and I don't look at him or her, I hate it. I hate what we have done, I hate the choice I made, I don't like it, I want him to come home, I want him to want it more than he is scared, I want him to fight for us. So I am guilty and ashamed and don't make eye contact with either. She notices. She asks if this relationship is on the rocks. we agree that it basically is. She tells me "last time you were more, I'm here for him, I want to help him, and this time you are more, wow, not my problem, stepping back" why. I explain, that I don't know what to say that might hinder him, I don't know what to do that might hinder him, we are all trying to be very careful for him so that it doesn't cause any more undo stress. She turns to James and says "Ok James! NEXT time you come BY YOURSELF!". This hurts. Have I done something wrong again? Does she want to talk about me? Does she think that I am not there to help him? that I don't want to help? I debate asking if I should leave right now then. But stay, cause that is what James wanted. They talk about his life at his parents. no stress no responsibilities and no kids. She mentions that avoiding the kids isn't going to help James deal with the kids. I think, I know this, I have been reading it, but I can't make James do it. One of the reasons I have been regretting telling him to move out. If I had known what I know now, if I had researched a little more, I would have understood more. But that wouldn't have helped him cope anymore if he couldn't' research and practice. Maybe I did make the right choice, maybe with him leaving he saw just had bad really was. Maybe he didn't think it was that bad, even though he knows it was bad. So we make a plan to see the kids every day for about 20 minutes. I think how hard this is going to be for the kids, they are not going to like it or understand it, but as life is right now, everyone has to do everything for James. The councilor even says that he has to have some responsibilities at his parents. washing dishes or something every day, and it needs to get bigger every day. I like that, cause at home there are lots of responsibilities, and if he can do them at his parents then he can do them here. good. She says that we need to pick a deadline for him living without us, and at the deadline, either he comes home and we deal and he copes, or we know we have to do something else. Neither of us like this idea. She is worried that with avoiding it, when it comes time to do it, it will be stressful. James is told that he needs to keep stretching his anxiety everyday. He mentioned that he went to Tim Horton's on Monday. She asked, ok, so how are you going to make it a little bit bigger today? then tomorrow? She asks how he is feeling today, he mentions that he had to take an atavan to come here today, barely made it out of bed. His level of anxiety before the pill and most of the days lately are bout an 8. Oh that a little high, he says yes. I feel part of that is because he is not with us, or with me. I feel again, did I make the right choice making him leave? Is this not helping him if he doesn't feel loved? How do I show my love from a far, show my support? he knows its there, but I have said those words, but if he doesn't feel them or believe them, does it matter that I say them? She asks him if he has done any of the research that she asked him too. He says a bit, only one website, and it caused some anxiety and he doesn't know how to get better. She mentions that, that is what the websites are for, they will explain how to get better. I feel that if he can't even look at websites that are going to help him, and he had seven days to do it, and he doesn't even remember anything that he read, how is he going to get better? will a more real environment work better? but he has to do it himself, real or on the web, and he's not. How is he going to get better than? how will he learn to cope? That's my biggest fear. I know that he can push through this, like he has with all his other breakdowns, but if doesn't learn to cope, then he will continue to breakdown. And I know that he has to be the one that does it, but if he believes that he can't, then I am really stuck. I want to mention the book that I bought, but I don't even know the name actually, and I don't know if that will help, will James think that I am over stepping my boundaries will she think that we are making him and he wont be doing it himself? I stay quiet about the book. I will give it to him, and he will choose to use it or not, it will help or it wont. But it has been used before and supposed to work great, so here's to hoping. Now of course that I am at my computer, this is the book "The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook: Proven, Step-by-Step Techniques for Overcoming Your Fear" which I found on this website http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/. James then mentions that he has noticed that he is 'hitting a wall' at the same time everyday, at 4 pm. 2 hours after his midday pill. He gets tired and can barely move he is so tired. He tries not to nap, but sometimes can't help it. She says it is from his mid afternoon pill and they will talk with his psychiatrist about changing that. We end the meeting by going and talking to his psychiatrist. The psychiatrist asks how James has been doing and James explains that he is living apart, again I advert my eyes. I still cant believe that's my life, that that is how we are living. It hurts and again I hate it. and question if I made the right choice. but I also remember he chose too, and i have no choice in what he chose. Yes it was with the hopes that he would get better. The psychiatrist changes his 3 a day pill to an overnight slow release one. James and the councilor make another appointment for next Wednesday, and I will not be there, I will not hear what is going on, I wont know what he is supposed to do and if he forgets, then he wont do it. He doesn't like to talk about these meetings that much, so I am scared that he wont talk to me about them. I don't want that. We are waiting and I mention to James that the journal seems to be helping a lot. he says yes. I ask him to do me a favor, next time I suggest something like a journal, if he can actively listen to me with an open mind, because this is something I have said over and over again since December 2008 and he might not have gotten this bad, or bad at all, if he would have just done half the things that I suggested. That reminds me that the councilor did ask about his exercise and he admitted that he is not, and she asked why and he said it is hard just getting out of bed right now, but less doing anything. she said ok. but, how is that going to help you? If you want to get better, you will do these things. James offers me his journal to read, since I asked for it when I found out that he was starting in. I take it, I want to understand, I want to read, I want to know what is going on.
His journal hurts to read, but I need to read it. they talk about him being lost and alone and everything going wrong. He states that me emailing his parents and his brother hurt him, made him feel ashamed that he couldn't do it. that of course hurts me too. I didn't realize that asking his parents and his brother to help would make him feel hurt, I thought it would show support and maybe love. crap. I still don't know what the right steps are and it seems like i just keep making the wrong ones. He writes that he looks forward to being alone. this stabs like a knife. I make myself believe that it is because he is looking forward to stress free and anxious free, but know why it would be that way and it hurts so much! He writes that when I asked him to sleep in the other bed, that it made him feel dejected. That hurt too. But at that point when I asked, I wasn't thinking about his feelings, and I was hurt too. We seem to need each other when we are hurt and it seems that the other is hurt at the same time and we can't put our feelings aside for the other person. He goes on about how hard it is to just get out of bed most mornings. Why is it so hard? is he doing anything to cope? I don't think so, or it should get this bad. he writes that he wants to talk to me, but he doesn't know what to say. That hurts too. He can tell me anything and everything, why doesn't he, what does he mean he doesn't know what to say. I mention that he can tell me everything that he is writing and anything else.
We make plans to see the kids after school, but only for 20 minutes. That is what it was supposed to be and I have an appointment to have the house appraised. the visit goes ok. Doris shy's away and doesn't talk to him or look at him and when we go to leave Irene throws a fit, and Doris doesn't even want to say good bye or kiss and hug. I realize that it hurts her too, going to have to talk to her about that, but she is 9, how can she put her feelings away for him? He's the adult. But that is what we are going to do right now. I will explain it better to her though. we go home. I talk to Doris, explain that if we want him to get better, when someone is sick, does it help if we are there loving and hugging when someone doesn't feel good. She agrees. I try to make an appointment to see a councilor for myself. I know I am depressed and I don't want pills either. But if it helps me to better understand and nicer and all that, well, then maybe I can. I don't know how it will go though. the time line sucks for it. we try for tomorrow, doesn't work out, we end up going with the 24th. A week and a couple days. I hope I can wait that long. I am sure I can. I will have to hey? not much choice here. I text James, asking about what to do for tomorrow with the kids, we all need to eat after work before taekwondo. that might be nice. "could do that" "ur place or restaurant?" his place will make him responsible, cooking and cleaning, but there wont be other people involved. Out at a restaurant he will have to deal with other people too,. but there will be nothing else he will have to do. "maybe restaurant as there won't be much for supper here,. I will check with my dad on when I need to drive him to the airport so I can get time" "k. what restaurant?" we debate for a bit on a restaurant. pick one. I ask to see his blog. (that is what got me started on mine too) he sends it. I ask if he was scared to send it to me. "no, just wanted to get more on there first" ok, that sucks, but ok. I would want to share to show that I am trying, I would want to not because of what i am writing. But I don't know, and I have to trust him. Maybe he isn't excited about it. Maybe that is why he doesn't want to share it. I share exciting things, most people do, maybe he doesn't see it as exciting. He then states that Master Chef is on. I know that means that our talking/texting is done for the night. That sucks, tv beat out over me. I decide that it sounds like a good idea. I watch too. i text him about the show as it is happening, he texts lol. we plan the time for the restaurant. The show ends. I say love you. He says love you too talk tomorrow.
I stay up blogging and reading till it is time to pass out again.
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