september 13 2010

Waking up is better since yesterday.  Beating up the stove did help.  Which in its own sense is bad, but if it helps me cope, and get through the days, then so be it.  I get my regular stuff done. kids off to school, me ready for work.  I weigh in (on a life style change, lost 42 pounds so far) and I lost 4 pounds in the last 5 days.  I know that's not good, but I don't care.  eating still sucks though.  first bite of a banana makes me gag.  but i force it down.  I don't want to go to work either, but I have an interview for a new position and riding the big bike after work.  I go to work.

At lunch time, I start thinking about everything.  his mom mentioned that someone should be there for him during the next councilor meeting.  I decide that that is his choice not mine or hers.  I text him, asking if he want's someone there.  "up to you, it is nice, but you don't have too" "what do you want?" "yes then at least I don't have to try and remember everything to relay to you. Plus it would be nice to see you too." (at first i get snarky, for you to relay to me, that would involve you actually talking to me.  but that's not right or nice, so I put it out of my mind.  Then I get nervous.  He wants to see me?  then why doesn't he come and see me?)  "ok, I will see what I can do.  If u want to see me...well, that's ur choice.  u have to seek out your desires and wants. simply by starting to ask for them"  No response.  I didn't actually think I would get one either though.  When I ask him to think about the hard things like that, he doesn't talk or write or deal with them.  I don't know why, fear?  fear of what though?  is he scared to ask to see me?  what part is scary? asking?  getting?  he knows I come with the kids, is that the scary part?  does he want me by myself?  why doesn't he ask for that?  I don't know.

I finish work, I do the big bike, feel like puking.  Probably shouldn't have done something so hard, when I haven't been eating right.  Pick up the kids, go home, put them to bed and try and eat.  still nothing else from James though.  Have to try and focus on something.  Face book seems to work.  When it is bed time, I read until I pass out.