today looks like another crappy day. I was tired and didn't want to get up. I don't want to go to work and I don't want to do anything. I am sad and depressed and don't care. I hate my life right now. Still a little worried about tonight's supper with his parents, but I can always grab my kids and leave should I not like what is happening too though. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I wonder if today will be a good day for him, if he will be able to get visitors this quickly or if it will be a bit more yet.
Decided to call and see how the night went. Nurse said she is just coming on shift, but he appears to have slept most of the night, or at least looked like he was sleeping. that's good, sleeping can sometimes bother him too and he will avoid it sometimes, or it just doesn't come to him. Resting anyways. That's good.
Felling better now. Actually can't wait to eat. Not that it turned out to taste good or settle well. But that will come back too.
Work went well, that's good. Able to concentrate and focus, just a little bit more today. Still need to try and get some disability forms from the bank for the personal loans, but not expecting to get anything except what we paid into the insurance back, because he has a history of this. Chances are that they will not pay our loans.
Got to his parents place and we talked more about the money that was needed, this month, next month and from now on, talked about options, 4 mount possibility with having CMHC skip payments due to health issues, talked about selling the house, and bankruptcy. They realized that we don't have many options and that we have done what we can in the past to try and see. Going to look into CPP disability though and hope that EI comes through, cause that will help too. Thinking about visiting United way to see if there are other options that I don't know about yet. i sure hope there are. Had supper at their house again. had to leave a bit early cause Irene needed a bath and to get to bed on time once this week.
Talking to my mom, trying to see if she can come down for thanks giving and just to talk about me and the girls and James and life and finances too. It was a good talk, it is always a good talk with my mommy. my phone was beeping, private caller, i answered it. It was James. HOLLY SHIT!! he can call me? he says that he is allowed to talk and to have visitors and that he misses me. I miss him too. He is giving up pop, cause caffeine can make anxiety worse. That's good. That's great. I ask him to tell me about it. He was in isolation. A room and a mattress and a pillow and a couple blankets. and someone to watch you 24h/7. He wasn't allowed to put his head under the blankets or pillow. So he lost his pillow pretty quick for a little bit. When he had his bad day yesterday, he punched the window and his knuckle is still seeping from that. it was at that time that they gave him a sedative to help. He was in there for 46 hours. and after he woke yesterday, the last 24 he said gave him lots of thinking time, and time to realize that they are there to help him. That's good. He can't talk long cause someone else wants to use the phone. He says that he shares a room and that he might try and get some quarters so that he can call more, I mention that he can call collect too. he says he might just do that later. He says that he can get seraquin every 4 hours if needed, so that's good too. he says he has to go cause someone else needs the phone. I remind him that i will be up late and like to listen and talk if he wants. He says ok and good bye. i say I love you. he says it back. we hang up. Such a shock. I don't think I was ready for that yet. Or just wasn't prepared for it. I miss him. I want to talk to him. An hour has gone by now and he hasn't called back. i wonder if he knows how to call collect? maybe he isn't allowed as he thought? The future is still very uncertain, have no idea what treatment will be like, how long it should take and so on. I want to hear more. I want to know. I don't want him to be alone. He did sound shaky, emotional, but strong. He sounded like he had a purpose again. and that is great.
getting tired now, and planning on visiting him right after work tomorrow. Already have it arranged with the babysitter, so just need to make sure I have parking and supper or supper at home or something. i can always take a sandwich though like last Thursday. I am thinking that it will be pretty hard tomorrow, with emotions and more goodbyes that we don't want. But we will just have to deal with it, cause this is the way it is, and he will have to re-learn how to handle emotions and difficult situations. The kids wont come tomorrow, but hopefully within a week. I think he needs to be seeing them regularly too. They are his family too. and it is not good for me to spend all my time with him and not then and vise versa. Picking one or the other is very hard. and I can't keep putting my kids second. And he needs to know how to deal with them again. And at the hospital with a doctor that he can see almost daily, then he can learn right away and deal and cope and succeed. I will keep praying and hoping, because it will be possible for a relapse. He can still go back down. It will be everyone's job to watch for that, but mostly his, he will have to be aware of himself and his feelings and his reactions so that he can take care and prepare and deal before it gets bad again. As soon as it starts, he will be better able to deal with it. Fingers still crossed that this is the help he needs and then he will continue to do so on his own.
well until tomorrow.
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