Again I wake up and realize that I am alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want this. Would he come home even if I asked? would that just wreck what we are trying to do? What if he doesn't want to? then it might make him feel guilty. I don't call or ask. I have to get things ready for the day. I realize that James wrote his friend. What did they talk about? was it his feelings? was it about anxiety? about me? I decide that I want to know. So I text him and ask. He texts me back say yes, when the internet works, he will send it to me. I ask if I can read his journal. He says yes, but I have to go there. I say ok but not today. I can't do that again like last night, not again this fast. That would be way to much if it doesn't go well. he says ok. I finish getting ready for the day.
He lets me know that he was able to change the satellite package so that it will save some money. Thank you. Can I read the email? oops forgot, sure, i will send it. thank you. I read it. it still hurts that he was able to write her an email, even if it wasn't big and wasn't that important of an email, but he does say that if she calls he will talk to her. and that kills me. He explains that everything is cause of the social phobia and that me and him are on the rocks and that he is happy that someone outside his family cares. He didn't ask me to call. does he not want me too? should I? what if he doesn't want to talk to me but wants to talk to her? I fear that's what it is. and that hurts so much. the tears start to come agian. I don't like this situation. I know that he needs to talk and if she is the only person that he can talk to then he needs to do it. But. Why can't it be me? does that mean that he doesn't love me that much? Does that mean that he trusts her more? does he think that I judge him? think that he is stupid? is that why he doesn't talk to me? or is it about me? I still want to hear it, even if it is about me and it might hurt. If I need to change, I can try! Just give me a chance. talk to me, not her. I really see a problem with the fact that he doesn't talk to me first, or at all. It hurts so much.
I got an email from his brother stating that I should watch what I say on face book because I will only hurt James. This infuriates me! Who the f*&k does he think he is?? Telling me what to do in this situation? Cause he is here and helping his brother? I don't think so. I emailed James' brother and stated that in order for James to get better he needs to have his family for support, and it can't stop once he gets better. James' brother hasn't spoken to James in just about a year, and if I had told him to call, I highly believe that he wouldn't have. So if he knows what's best then how come he isn't here for him?? It makes me so mad!! He doesn't know anything about James' social phobia, all he knows it what happens to James and what they have done about it in the past. And the past hasn't always worked. His brother mentions in the letter that I need to give James space and he gets depressed and I need to just let me be with himself. Well If he would have ever looked into this, then he would know that that isn't always best. I am also very scared that he will not continue with the communication that will be needed. For James to know, to really know, feel, that his brother cares. Cause that is what he needs, family support. And his family can't put it all on James to reach out himself. He will fall if he forgets to cope or deal or do any techniques that he might learn and then he will need them to be there helping him. But his brother doesn't seem to know this, or want to hear it from me. Or maybe, just maybe his brother would have been more in James' life. But he doesn't offer support, he doesn't call, he doesn't email. Especially just to shoot the breeze! So it really really pisses me off that he has the nerve to start telling me what to do!! He is not here, he does not know what is going on right now, he does not, because he has not been involved. GGRRRR!! So mad. Vibrating again. Don't know what to do with my anger. Do i email him back telling him to piss off and fuck off and grow up and all the things that he is doing wrong with James?!? I email James, I decide that I am going to do what James wants, and piss what everyone else wants. I ask what would be better, my true feelings, or just writing bout happy things (i think this will make him quilty too) or nothing at all. He says, do what you need to and I will do what i need to. But that doesn't help me, I want to do what will help you, and that doesn't tell me what will help you. writing nothing is best. OK. Pisses me off again. Now I can't use my own face book if I want to help him. And I am sure he might fell guilty about all this too. But my choice to do it. If i chose to do it, then its not his fault. And I chose to do the best I can with that. I know it will be hard since I love the computer and face book. but I will try very very hard, because I want/need James to get better. I just about punch the wall with my anger from the whole situation. but I stop before I make contact. I don't like pain, and there would probably be a stud behind the spot I would pick and can't afford a cast, and I don't want that much attention from other people, asking what happened. I also don't believe in lying, so I would have to face my stupidity every day all day long if I did that. Still very upset though. Cry some more.
After a long day/night with a friend and kids I decide I want to be better. It is late again, and I can't sleep, scared what I might think and dream of. I text him, asking for the websites that the councilor gave him. It will remind him about them, and also I want to know more, now the techniques that are needed, maybe I can find a blog, or a support group, maybe I can find someone to talk to about this that understands. I want to understand the best that I can. If I understand then maybe it wont be so bad. Maybe I wont be so bad for him. I read lots. There isn't that much information about what I can do, but there is tons about what he can do. and everything is about him. What he has to do, what he can do, but all are his choice, his control. I wonder if he has read them yet. I don't think so, because I still don't think he has found any of these skills to work with. I go to bed making my self a promise to read more and understand more, and to be there more, if I can, for him.
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