Sunday, December 19, 2010
Thursday December 16 2010
Well... this week has been a bit crazy, training on a new position, and crappy crappy weather, making the roads around here horrible to drive on. Migraines almost daily and trying to figure out if it is due to stress or the lighting on the new desk. Both suck. I missed a couple days, but the fact that I am back here says something too right? I am trying, just like James needs to be, I might not make every day, but I have to try for every day. Hoping that the strategy will help with James. Going to look at the 'to do list' every Monday so that it doesn't get carried away and stressed over. Finally managed to do the floors this week with the new cleaning schedule that we are trying on. It has been hard to switch over, just remembering basically has been the hardest part. Trying out FLYlady way of life, or at least some of it anyways. And one moto is 'You can do anything in 15 minutes' and its true, and if you think about it, most cleaning jobs shouldn't take more that 15 min. So what we have decided to change was when we cleaned. We used to leave everything for Sunday. Then we would all spend a decent chuck of our time cleaning. It sucked sometimes too, because I would actually not make plans for the fact that we would have to change our cleaning to a busier day or not go at all. With laundry being included on that list for Sunday, it made if very hard to go and do anything, when I would have to have my laundry all done for Monday morning. However, with FLYlady, one thing that you are supposed to do, to avoid CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome) is to take a load down in the morning and when you get home switch it and then before bed, fold and put away. Now that might sound extreme and it sometimes feels that way. So first we had to decide if we wanted to do everything by sorting. Colors, jeans, whites, and towels. or by persons. We ended up going with persons. So I stayed with Sunday, so that I can have fresh cleaned clothes to start the week off with. Then on Monday Irene puts her laundry in the washer before school. And when she gets home, switches it and then before bed she can take it out. On Wednesday, Doris's turn. Friday is James' turn and Saturday is left overs. We skipped Tue and Thur because of our Taekwondo commitments.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday December 13 2010
ok, so second night, yay, I did it. Well hopefully i can keep it up too. but we will see. For me today was a good and bad day. So far it seems like it was about the same for James. I am trying to make it a point to show him the litle things matter, but I still find I say good job and he doesn't think it is, so he doens't believe and then it doesn't matter that he did it. How do you boost someones self esteem when they dont want to believe that they are ever going to b good enough?
All of my usual techniques that i would use on other people don't work. Like yesterday, I was trying to get him to come with me and the girls to see Santa, something I make a point of doing every year for them. and he knows that this is important to me and the girls. They are still young enough for it to matter to them. and he did want to. So I tried to reason with him about how it what would be worse? ther guilt and regrett of missing it, or the fear of going? and he said the guilt and regret, but still couldn't pick the lesser evil. And that is where I get stumped. I don't understand how if you decide that it is the better route and then walk away. how do you do that?
yesterday proved that I still need to work on it too, i didn't yell at him, so better than in the past, but asking questions can cause him to close down. and he says that I was pushing yesterday. I was talking, and asking him to talk, but I did leave him for an hour, and come back, just like our doc has said and he still didn't talk, so I talked. Explaining that he can, that he doesn't want the other feelings, that he has to get up and push through it. And then me and the girls leave anyways with out him, come back and I see his mom there. Pisses me RIGHT OFF!!! Not once did he text me or call me that he needed help, or anthying. he still doesn't turn to me. Is it because I wont drop everything and run to him? I have kids, he needs to know this, maybe it is me that needs to understand that he will always need someone, and if he thinks I am busy with the girls, he wont turn to me. but he never says thats why when I ask him. So I still feel that he doesn't feel like he can trust me, that if he lets me in, he thinks I will judge him and turn him away like everyone else. his mom has proved that she wont do that, but he isn't letting me prove that, even though everything we have already been through isn't enough proof? I wish i could understand. If he always has to have someone there for him, then that is something I need to know if I can live with, becasue with me having kids, it just wont happen that I will always be there, and I will resent him if I have to leave my lfie for him. He doesn't want that and neither do I. How does his mother do it? What is he going to do when she is not there? has she not thought of that? When will he learn to deal on his own? what happens when she doesn't answer her phone and he won't call me? Maybe I'm the back up. If she doesn't answer, maybe that's when he calls me. He did call me last week, well text me I guess, to let me know that he couldn't help me with the kids, and couldn't find a replacement. couldn't deal. I don't think he saw or even talked to his mom. And by the time I got home that day he seemed ok. Its so hard, I want to talk about it, fix it, figure it out, but talking about it can make it worse, it can bring those feelings on again. that makes it very hard and difficult for me to talk to him. cuase I can't just say what I want when I want. I always have to double think it to make sure its ok. double check it.
yesterday was brought on by being overwhelmed. But when i asked him from what, his famous answer is 'i dunno' I ask him if he is going to think about it, pick at it, I even lay out our schedule, one thing a day. Not to bad, considering a day is 16 hours long for the most part. But he still doesn't know. Then I come home and he has a whole list for his mom of things that are bothering him.......wtf? that hurts. he said it was cause I don't push. I asked him what she does then, 'i dunno' well that gives me so much to work with, I can totally get better with that......
feeling lost, don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel we are closer, and then something like that happens, or even know, I am holed up in the bedroom he is in the living room, kids in bed, and what do we do? We go our separate ways until bed time. We don't talk it seems, because mostly, anything can hurt him, even me talking about my work. Not sure what we are supposed to talk about then. Not sure how we are working on things. We get a plan and then its like a week later, the plan that we drew up doesn't matter anymore. Like we planned on how we were going to slowly fix up the problems in the house (one of his problems with being overwhelmed because HE has to do all the problems) he wont teach me so I can do it, or ask for help, so he leaves it all on his shoulders and then blames himself because he stacked it to high on himself to do it. We made this plan about 2 months ago. 10 dollars a pay check to slowly get supplies to fix up the one renovation that is hanging over our heads. But either that is not moving fast enough or i dunno, cause I guess that is still bugging him that he has all this stuff to do and can't get any of it done. We always seem to make a list and then what happens. He never looks at it again, or he finds the list over whelming, but when he talks with his mom, that's what they do, make a list. Second time that she has come out here for him, because of us and the house, and made a list. Will she ever tire of that? What does she think it matters? For most people it sets goals and time lines and just boundaries, cause then you know what you need to and not need to do, but that can be just as bad for James as looking at the half done project. Or at least I am sure that it is, or else why can't he go and deal with the list that he and I made? Has to have his mom make one? Does he do it just so his mom is there and being with him? Like people seeking attention? I don't know. Will I ever know that, highly unlikely. Ok, well that was 25 min, not 15, but I figured why not. Was in the mood. I do miss blogging, but it has been hard to find the time it seems to take what little time we have away from him seems silly. But I think I need this just as much as he should be doing it for.
All of my usual techniques that i would use on other people don't work. Like yesterday, I was trying to get him to come with me and the girls to see Santa, something I make a point of doing every year for them. and he knows that this is important to me and the girls. They are still young enough for it to matter to them. and he did want to. So I tried to reason with him about how it what would be worse? ther guilt and regrett of missing it, or the fear of going? and he said the guilt and regret, but still couldn't pick the lesser evil. And that is where I get stumped. I don't understand how if you decide that it is the better route and then walk away. how do you do that?
yesterday proved that I still need to work on it too, i didn't yell at him, so better than in the past, but asking questions can cause him to close down. and he says that I was pushing yesterday. I was talking, and asking him to talk, but I did leave him for an hour, and come back, just like our doc has said and he still didn't talk, so I talked. Explaining that he can, that he doesn't want the other feelings, that he has to get up and push through it. And then me and the girls leave anyways with out him, come back and I see his mom there. Pisses me RIGHT OFF!!! Not once did he text me or call me that he needed help, or anthying. he still doesn't turn to me. Is it because I wont drop everything and run to him? I have kids, he needs to know this, maybe it is me that needs to understand that he will always need someone, and if he thinks I am busy with the girls, he wont turn to me. but he never says thats why when I ask him. So I still feel that he doesn't feel like he can trust me, that if he lets me in, he thinks I will judge him and turn him away like everyone else. his mom has proved that she wont do that, but he isn't letting me prove that, even though everything we have already been through isn't enough proof? I wish i could understand. If he always has to have someone there for him, then that is something I need to know if I can live with, becasue with me having kids, it just wont happen that I will always be there, and I will resent him if I have to leave my lfie for him. He doesn't want that and neither do I. How does his mother do it? What is he going to do when she is not there? has she not thought of that? When will he learn to deal on his own? what happens when she doesn't answer her phone and he won't call me? Maybe I'm the back up. If she doesn't answer, maybe that's when he calls me. He did call me last week, well text me I guess, to let me know that he couldn't help me with the kids, and couldn't find a replacement. couldn't deal. I don't think he saw or even talked to his mom. And by the time I got home that day he seemed ok. Its so hard, I want to talk about it, fix it, figure it out, but talking about it can make it worse, it can bring those feelings on again. that makes it very hard and difficult for me to talk to him. cuase I can't just say what I want when I want. I always have to double think it to make sure its ok. double check it.
yesterday was brought on by being overwhelmed. But when i asked him from what, his famous answer is 'i dunno' I ask him if he is going to think about it, pick at it, I even lay out our schedule, one thing a day. Not to bad, considering a day is 16 hours long for the most part. But he still doesn't know. Then I come home and he has a whole list for his mom of things that are bothering him.......wtf? that hurts. he said it was cause I don't push. I asked him what she does then, 'i dunno' well that gives me so much to work with, I can totally get better with that......
feeling lost, don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel we are closer, and then something like that happens, or even know, I am holed up in the bedroom he is in the living room, kids in bed, and what do we do? We go our separate ways until bed time. We don't talk it seems, because mostly, anything can hurt him, even me talking about my work. Not sure what we are supposed to talk about then. Not sure how we are working on things. We get a plan and then its like a week later, the plan that we drew up doesn't matter anymore. Like we planned on how we were going to slowly fix up the problems in the house (one of his problems with being overwhelmed because HE has to do all the problems) he wont teach me so I can do it, or ask for help, so he leaves it all on his shoulders and then blames himself because he stacked it to high on himself to do it. We made this plan about 2 months ago. 10 dollars a pay check to slowly get supplies to fix up the one renovation that is hanging over our heads. But either that is not moving fast enough or i dunno, cause I guess that is still bugging him that he has all this stuff to do and can't get any of it done. We always seem to make a list and then what happens. He never looks at it again, or he finds the list over whelming, but when he talks with his mom, that's what they do, make a list. Second time that she has come out here for him, because of us and the house, and made a list. Will she ever tire of that? What does she think it matters? For most people it sets goals and time lines and just boundaries, cause then you know what you need to and not need to do, but that can be just as bad for James as looking at the half done project. Or at least I am sure that it is, or else why can't he go and deal with the list that he and I made? Has to have his mom make one? Does he do it just so his mom is there and being with him? Like people seeking attention? I don't know. Will I ever know that, highly unlikely. Ok, well that was 25 min, not 15, but I figured why not. Was in the mood. I do miss blogging, but it has been hard to find the time it seems to take what little time we have away from him seems silly. But I think I need this just as much as he should be doing it for.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Sunday December 12 2010
alright so it has been a very long time since I wrote on here. Going to try and do at least 15 minutes every day. I said try. We will see what will happen. it is best to do it at the end of the night, but it is hard at the end of the night, because I just want to go to bed. Also hard to leave his side still. I am hardly on the computer now a days, between the kids and spending time with everyone. But I do manage to get on the computer sometimes. I wanted to write about our last visit to my councilor, but didn't remember to bring my booklet in of the notes that I took. yes I took notes. I normally have a great memory for those types of things. Things I have to learn and do, but I discovered, when I was trying one day to talk to James about the things that we were supposed to be doing, that I couldn't remember our last visit very well. So I made sure that I took notes this time. I also know that we only have a few more sessions left, well that are free anyways. And it does sound like my councilor doesn't do much more than that. But o well, 12 is better than none, and we lost 2 from canceling. so I think that we only have one or two sessions left. than James will be on his own with his councilor. Good news on that, he did manage to get into the one from Edmonton. The one that seemed to help so much while he was in the hospital. So that's good. But James still has a habit of not writing. So then he comes home and forgets most of it, and is two days after, basically forgets everything. today was not a good day for James. that was three bad days this week. Two were break downs. Crying, wanting to end it all, hating life. Wondering why life is so bad to him. Not that much that I can do about that either. Our first visit to the councilor mentioned that we had to work on his self esteem. its like a bucket with holes in it. if he doesn't patch those holes then everything every one says just falls out the holes. I find that seems to be such a big deal. And so does James. He his finding that he thinks and feels that he can't do anything right, and then he gets scared about doing the wrong things. His anxiety comes from his poor self esteem. he has also discovered that it comes from holding in his anger. Trying to teach him that it is ok to get mad is a very hard thing to do. Because in most cases, he knows that he is not supposed to yell at the kids or me, and of course never to hit us. which is true, but that doesn't me that he has to stop feeling those things. Every one has those feelings. Its ok to experience them. its whether or not we react to them of course, or what we do with them. So working on that. He is considering, since he has had three bad days this week, being admitted to a real phyc clinic. Even though he states that he WILL NOT ever go back to the hospital. I am not sure what he thinks that he will find better or different in a real institution. I am worried that he still believes that the doctors will cure him. They wont. They will only ever be able to tell him what to do. I saw and episode on CBT with an OCD patient and how she had to deal with her OCD. Her doctor would require her to actually place her hands on a dirty trash can and then touch her face. Now for OCD patients, that is a very very very hard thing to do. But she still had to be the one to do it. The doctors are saying, to the relaxation, to the group therapy, do the breathing, do the writing and James is not doing them and then still complaining that he is not getting better. He told me tonight that his mom offered her place to him. that made me mad. it didn't work last time, what would make her think it would help this time? he needs to learn to deal and relax after stress, not run from it! he declined because of other reasons. We are going to try and write every day. Both of us. If we both do it together maybe it will get done. My 15 minutes is up for tonight though. So I will write again tomorrow if everything goes smooth. Sorry its short and no thorough. But that's it folks.
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