I wake at 5 the first time. that is so not happening. but even then, I hate my life, cause he is not beside me. There is no point in getting up. I go back to sleep. I start to wake for the day at 9. I still see no point in getting up. I feel so down today, and don't care. I have no idea whats going on or why nothing is going right. I know that I have to get up, I have to go to the post office that is open till noon and get a parcel that is in. I think it might be the book that I ordered as it is the only thing that I have ordered. And I know that today is the only day that I will be able to pick it up. But I don't care, I don't want to get up, I don't want to do anything, I don't care. I'm so hurt, and there is nothing that I can do about it. even if he explains it to me, and I understand, it wont make the hurt go away. Will the hurt ever go away? What will our life be like after this? even if he comes home, we wont forget, how will it be different? will we be better? will he talk, will I be nicer? I have tears this morning, been a couple days for that, but I had to be alone again, and wake up alone and be hurt, and I have to deal with it, cause I can't talk to my best friend about it. I know that I have to get out of bed soon, I have to get that parcel. But I am waiting until, I have to have to. Last minute. My friend texts me, asking if I want company. ok, when. after 5, ok. "do you need supper" 'we might just head out there at noon" "ok, will you be staying the whole afternoon?" worried now that James wont come if she is here again. I text him morning. I will text him or tell him, if he calls, that she is here and bringing someone that I have never met. Chances are that this will be another day without him. and I will have to face that and deal with that. Right now I have to choose my friends or him. But he has not actually said, I can come if they are not there, so I have not actually had to do that. But I know that it does come to that some times. But if he doesn't tell me that it is a problem I can't make it go away. And I can't guess, or mind read, he has to talk to me about it if it is a problem. of just simple say 'its a problem" I am sure that he doesn't cause he doesn't want to make me choose and he doesn't want the guilt of me choosing. or maybe fear that I wont choose him. I will wait for him to text, I can always ask my friends to leave if my friends are already here when he finally texts me about today. And who know, maybe he wont come at all and then at least I will have my friends. what a crazy life. I hate it so much right now.
So depressed right now. I don't care about anything or anyone. All I want is my life back.
he texts me. "hey" "hi" " what's up?" "not much, u?" "not a whole hell of a lot just got out of bed" "that's good. What time did u go to bed? did u email me those symbols from bed?" "I went to sleep around 2 and yes I sent them from bed" "what time did u wake? Good drive last night?" "I was awake just before noon it was a good drive, the roads were pretty empty" "raining?" "nope" "that's good. So wanna explain?" "let me finish my breakfast then I'll try" "ok" "alright the biggest reason was that i was scared of what would happen in the morning. I also needed my morning meds" "What would have been scary in the morning? having meds, good idea. What would have been scary in the morning?" " I don't know exactly. Mornings are still bad for me, I guess I was worried that you would get mad when I didn't get up in the morning, I had fear of leaving the girls." "fears of leaving the girls? in the morning, u mean?" "yeah" "why r morning so bad for u? still i guess is what I mean. But i left them last night and every day, what would have been different?" I wake up and I'm anxious then I have to get control" "how long does it take to get control? does staying in bed make the anxiety go away? just the act of staying in bed without trying to fix it? do u know what ur anxious over every morning?" "it gets harder and harder to say good bye. Last night I didn't feel that I could do it. I lie in bed doing breathing exercises and anything else to get my mind off my anxiety. I don't know what I'm anxious over" "ok. So what r u going to do about that? anyway to make it easier? Cause you were capable of doing it last night, leaving that is." "i don't know" "does staying in bed make the anxiety go away, just the act of staying in bed with out trying to fix it?" "eventually" "do u try and figure out what is bothering u every morning?" " i think it is just the stress of a new day" "new day? what are stresses of a new day?" I believe at this point that it is anything that is remotely like responsibilities. If he lies in bed long enough, then there is nothing that needs to be done cause it will all be done, then he can get up. each morning he wakes, he knows he is supposed to do things, and he doesn't want to. "stresses may not be the right word" "ok, what is then?" "the thoughts of what I have to do" " ok.....would this work better if u cam e out here and we talked?" "Probably but I don't know if I can make it out there" "why" "I'm sitting about an 8 or 9 right now" "ok...that is hat u were at taekwondo the other day....were u that high when u were driving to and from? How does it affect ur driving?" "I wasn't that high when I was driving. I am agitated right now too, not the best combination. What if I come out there later after I calm down?" "It's ur choice. U do what u want/need to do. Why r u agitated? do u want to do supper? or after?" "I don't know I think its from pushing myself. I was thinking supper if I can get calmed down by then." "ok, what r u pushing urself doing?" "answering questions' "ok, so what do u want to do about that?" "I am going to relax and not answer questions for awhile." "ok. just one more. would it bother u if my friend and one of hers came out for supper too? it's ok to say that it would. but need to know so they can make other plans if needed" "no it won't bother me" "Ok. ty. i love u. relax. breath. we all want to see u later. we miss u. we love u. get better." "ok luv u too" Well that didn't really help me that much. So thinking about life make him scared. well, how the hell do you fix that?
My friends come and go, don't stay for supper. I let James know. I texts back that he is thinking about coming out soon, I say ok, supper is at 5:30ish. He gets here. I can tell not a great day. he takes his time coming in, plays with the dog on the stairs, and stay's there after the dog is gone for a few minutes. that's not good. The girls are watching a movie. James sits down with them. I continue getting supper ready. I want to ask him to help, but that is a stress of a day, so I don't and I would do it by myself if he wasn't there, so I can do it by myself when he is there. Supper is done, he doesn't look any better. I move on to making some cupcakes. Crap out of something. Ask Doris to run to the store. Irene wants to go. they even take the dog. I can't keep making cupcakes till they get back. I know it might backfire, but I can't stop myself. I sit down and ask if he wants to talk. I try to understand a bit more, about driving while anxious, the meeting with the councilor, he can't remember, I ask if her recorded it somehow. nope, forgot. Ask how he is going to get better if he is not doing the things that he is supposed to be doing to get better? don't know. he say's he doesn't understand the websites. I ask if he needs help, maybe. my help? maybe. he is scared that he will get better. wtf. not sure about that, if he stays sick, he can hide away and not worry? I say, ok. why? 'because i might still have panic attacks' 'will you have them if you don't get better' 'yes' but only might if you get better' 'i guess so' he is very agitated and stressed. he is shaking and tensed up, not making eye contact. 'what do you want?' 'i want to run' great, now i have made him want to run away because I am the only person willing to dig and try to find out why, so that they don't happen again, the root of the problem. "its your choice, no one is making you stay here" the girls are watching a movie downstairs at this point. I debate about calling them up to say goodbye, whether or not he would want to see him like this or not. I follow him to the stairs. I am about to call the girls when I change my mind. He is sitting on the bottom step putting on his shoes. I sit on the next step and wrap my arms around him. I lay my head on his back. He continues to get ready, putting on the other shoe and grabbing some things to take home. I don't let go. I don't squeeze and all that either. But I decided he will have to ask me or move my arms, or something cause I don't want to let him go and I think he needs to feel the love. he starts to cry. I don't move. He drops his stuff, grabs his shoes off of his feet and stand up, breaking my hug, and heads to my bedroom. I follow him. He is laying down crying hard into the bed. I lay with him and cuddle him. I don't say anything. a few minutes later, I hear the kids. Their movie is done. I don't want them to see him like this and I don't think he wants to be seen like this. I get up and close the door. I get them all ready for bed and start to finish making the cupcakes. I have the mixer going, and it is very loud. Just about done, just mixing the icing and the cupcakes are in the oven. I stop the mixer to get some more ingredients. i hear my phone being texted. I walk over to my computer room and pick it up to see, two texts. I open them. Its James, " i need to talk. why did this happen to me? I can't handle this." I am already in bed when my phone goes off once more "If I wasn't so weak I probably would have killed myself" I tell him I'm here. He says "wanna know why I took off my shoes?" "why" "cause I wouldn't have made it home" "why" "cause I would have done something stupid. I hate this, I can't handle it anymore, I can't do it, I don't want this anymore." "why didn't you do it' 'what" " why didn't you leave and kill yourself?" "i dunno" "cause you didn't want to die" "it would make it all go away" we try and talk so more, but he moans and groans about how he can't handle it, he can't deal with it, doesn't want to anymore. I start to get scared, thinking I am going to have to be on suicide watch all night, what if he goes into the kitchen for something, I am not physically strong enough to stop him. I start thinking about all who I can call to help. His parents and 911 seem to be my only options. He starts to have trouble breathing. I tell him to breath, in and out, in and out, in through the nose and out through the mouth, like the paramedics said. "I don't want to breath" "then don't" he tries to hold his breath till he passes out, but fails. And I am sure he sees them as failures too. he starts to have more trouble breathing and gasping for breath. crap. I get a little louder, a little more dominant. "Breath! In and OUT! Breath! C'mon James, In and OUT." he seems to not hear me, or can't or wont. I tell him I am going to have to call someone if he doesn't calm down. He doesn't. I start to look for the house phone, not my cell phone. I have to walk over to his side of the bed to get the phone, that is right beside him. I reach, and grab his face. he jumps a bit. I get more, breath. In and out. Cmon James. In and OUT. yes you can, you did it for the paramedics. In and out. I start to rub his chest, up of in and down for out. get him to concentrate on something. He doesn't calm down. I keep at it. about 20 minutes he is better, not all better, just a bit better, he is not as violently gasping for air. He is trying to hold his breath again. I keep at it, in and out. He rolls over. I rub his back, same way. In and out. I ask about his ativan. He doesn't say anything, and I don't know where it is, or if he brought it even. He finally starts to calm down. I ask what he wants. To leave. to hide. Ok. he gets calmed down enough to breath mostly normal. He gets sitting up. I get off the bed and come around to the other side now. I ask same worries as yesterday. don't know. ok.. Why are you worried about staying? "don't' know" "why do you want to leave" "so I can hide and stay in bed and not have to worry about doing anything" Responsibilities. He doesn't want to do anything, no responsibilities. How the hell is he ever going to get better if he never wants responsibilities? that's all a family is!! I get so mad. I clench my jaw. I look at the wall. I want to punch it. I tell me self, no. Not the time or the place. RESPONSIBILITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am off the bed and punching the wall before I can do anything about it. I might have slowed it down at the last second, as I mostly slid my fist across the wall then anything. I am fuming. we are done. he can't handle to the family. I told him so, I told so many people. He can`t do it. I am pacing in and out of the room and in front of the bed, from one wall the the other, I am still fuming. I want to punch again. I clench my jaw and my hands. I feel my nails dig into my hands. James jumped back onto the bed into the fetal position when I did the punch. Shit, now I have pushed him back down again. I feel pain. I release my hand. I am shaking. I drop my phone so I don`t wreck it. I look at my hand. My middle knuckles on three fingers are missing skin. I relax a bit. I check the wall. No damage. there is a red streak though. I check my knuckles again. Just skin missing, not real blood. red streak must have been nail polish. I check the wall again. No dents even. Good. I relax a bit more. James is laid out on the bed. I ask if he is ok. `mm` "I'm sorry. did that scare you?" " no" I tell him, he should really try that though, great stress reliever and walls can be fixed and even bones if you do it right. He is stiff and not moving and might be breathing wrong. Crap. Is he not leaving now? I need sleep too and I can't handle it either. I am strong, but sometimes, not strong enough. "you were ready to leave right' 'yes" "did that stop you" "mmm" what is his problem? Is he worried about me killing myself or hurting my self now that he saw that? Is he worried about me hurting him? Yes and no. 'why are you worried about me?" 'mm" "are you worried that I will kill myself?" "no" "are you worried that your hurting me?" "yes" "but that's always and I'm fine, I can deal with my pain. you can go ask the stove if you want" he doesn't say anything. He is sitting up. Not moving now. I ask him if I should move. Does he think I will block his path? No, ok. he gets up. Gets his glasses, I ask if he is ok to drive. yes. I watch him leave. leaving finally put a smile on his face. I sit there on the stairs trying to breath myself. he's gone. and he might not ever come back after that. Since he can't feel safe here, cause he can't hide from us. I think that we just found out that we are done. Even if he can get better, I have no idea how long that will take and if he could/would want responsibilities. I hurt and I'm numb. I don't know how to give up on him, and I don't know what to do to walk away. Should I wait for him to say that? will he ever? If he does I will be devastated. Holly hell. My life royally sucks and I can't do anything about it. I can make it hurt more, I can walk away and watch him get better without us, I can hurt him and me and the kids. I can leave our house and try to move on. I can cause pain. I'm good at that.
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