I wake up, alone. It doesn't hurt as much, but still hurts. It has been hard to eat, all I can think about is James and that makes me nervous and scared, which upsets my stomach. The thought of getting up and feeding the house is hard thought. I do get up and I do make supper, but not with out some struggling. I know that I am very mono toned, not laughing, not smiling. And I don't care. My friend is here and she doesn't seem to noticed. Or she doesn't want to pry, I don't know, but I don't think I want to talk to her about it anyways.
James' mom is supposed to be coming out to talk about finances. I emailed her the night I asked James to move out and stated that I can not cover his half of the bills, and since he can't deal with it, it is up to me and them. And if they can't help, I need to know, so that I can figure out what I need to do. I don't want to see her. I'm scared of what she will say or do. I know that she wants what is best for her son, she is a great mom, and if she sees me as a negative for her son, to protect him, I don't know what she would do. She comes out. we sit at the kitchen table. she asks how my sleeping has been, I say great, once I pass out. She says I'm like his dad, she doesn't have a problem falling asleep, it is staying asleep that she has a problem with I'm so nervous. Don't know what to say. She asks about his bills. I have them all ready. Then she asks about what I pay for. I state, everything else. I knew that question would be coming actually. And I see that as a bad sign. Do they think that I don't want to help? That I'm saving my money and just letting him hang? I do understand the validity of the question, but it doesn't stop the pain and hurt from creeping up. Cause if I am write about those questions, then I can be write about my other questions. We talk about the councilor. I suggest, that if his old doctor can, maybe we should get James to see him, cause James would feel very comfortable with his old doctor. He might open up more, because he wont feel scared, because this doctor already knows everything. she tells me that the doctor is attending school, so that's out. She mentions that there was one thing.(i know before she even says it. And my jaw sets, I'm pissed before she even says it. I have to be careful what I say here i think) that I should watch what I post on Face book. I say I know, his brother already told me ( I use told, not asked, because that is how it felt, a parent demanding a child do it this way) oh, ok, but you can still write other things. Nope. I'm sure that you can. Nope I asked James, and he said so. Oh. But you have other friends to talk to if you need to (I don't want to talk to my friends, I want to talk to him, no one else, I want to hear his voice, I want to know he is doing ok, that we made the right choice) I didn't want to talk to other people." I'm starting to get very upset, I am rocking in my chair, my jaw is still clenched in anger and some fear, but fear of what I might say or do. we talk a bit more, before she leaves she tells me to take care of myself, exercise and eat and what not. Again this makes me mad. I would eat if I could but I can't, so I eat what little I can until my stomach can't. I don't care to exercise and I will do whatever I want to. No one can tell me what I can or can't do. What right does she have telling me what I need to do? I walk to my room I can see her getting into her car, I am so mad, I want to cause pain. I let loose on the wave master that my daughter has. I start punching it. It's not helping. It's not breaking. I'm not breaking, I'm not getting a realise from it. I punch harder. My elbow cracks. It hurts. From my elbow to my fingers. I stop punching. I start crying. I fall to the floor and cry on the floor. I don't know what I can do. Can I handle this? Not doing anything for me and doing everything for him? Am I strong enough. I fear that I am not. I'm scared. very scared. I start to calm down, because I know my kids will be home soon and I don't want to be seen like this, I can't let them deal with this. I notice the skin on three knuckles are loose from my punching scene. Owell. I like battle scars. Shows my strength. I get up. I have to make supper. I don't want to. I need to for the kids. I start to walk to the kitchen. I still don't want to. They will be home soon and hungry. They need food. I still don't want to. I don't want to do anything. I pull out the frying pan, place it on the stove and I snap. I completely lose it. (now I do all this before I really even notice that I have done this, so I can describe it now, but it sure didn't happen that slowly when I did it) I grab the frying pan by the handle and with two hands turn it sideways and bring it down onto the stove will all my might. Back up above my head again. Back down into the stove again. Back above my head. Back down to the stove again. Something literally breaks. And it's not me. The handle is in my hand, but the frying pan is on the stove. I look at it. I actually see it. The part that was connecting the frying pan to the handle smashed. I say smashed because i broke with such velocity that one piece flew up into the tile back splash and chipped the tile. and other pieces flew about 8 feet behind me. The frying pan its self is a very odd oval shaped now. I don't think I will be able to save it. Funny thing, I don't even care that I just wrecked the frying pan. I notice the stove is also chipped in two places now. Again, I don't feel bad about wrecking those things. And I should. that is why I don't do those things, cause it will cost money to fix them. Money is something I don't have. I feel better though. I know that that is petty. But I don't care. I wonder why the wave master didn't make me feel better when the frying pan did. I think it is because I was able to break the frying pan, and not the wave master. Silly I know. But I believe that is the case. I am able to clean up before the girls get home. I cook supper even. Finish off my day with some laundry and a movie with Doris. Then move to the computer to read more about the anxiety. Right before bed, James texts me. he hasn't made contact all day, and neither have I with him. he says "good night god i miss you. am so lonely. can't wait until i am able to come home. love you James""I miss you too, just as much. I can't wait to hold u. U can tell me anything anytime. when u come home is up to u, u can get through this. u can/will get better. just keep working hard for what u want and u will get it. I love you forever. Promise. Just like ur ring!" (he has a ring that I gave him for our first Christmas with the word 'PROMISE' inscribed into it. Promise is a poem I wrote. I promise to be loyal for always, faithful for forever and love you for eternity) I'm very happy. A break though. he opened up, he talked to me about his feelings and he started the talking. Maybe he is getting better. Thank god. I miss him so much and want him to come home now. I hope he gets better and learns to cope and deal so that this wont happen or at least not as bad.
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