Omg, how do i do this?

I am so lost/depressed/anxious.  I do NOT want to go back to work!  I wasnt like this with my other children, but I wasnt nursing still either.  I'm much older and have matured and changed.  I do not want to do this!  I want to be home, running the house.  Being with my kids, going to events, being home when they get home, being a mom!!! 

I will go.  We have to.  Cant afford it if I dont.  I will do whats right even if its not right for me right now.  

Why couldnt I win the lottery? 

I wanna stay home

I want to be able to stay home with E!  I dont want to go back to work!  I dont want to miss my time with her!  I am soo stressed over going back to work.  Headaches daily, cant lose weight, binge eating.  I am sure i will adjust once it happens, but I dont want it to happen.  :(. Can I win the lotto please?

Crazy life

its amazing that this is the life that I have.  I still can't believe that its this way.  If someone had told my husband that life could be this good, 3-4 years ago, he would have laughed at them, and never thought it could ever be possible.  He never would have believed in himself to this extent.  He still tells me weekly, that wow, who knew, I never expected this, wow.

Our little one is almost 9 months old now.... I know right!  wow, where has the time gone?  So crazy!!  And James is doing amazing, he just completed his busiest week to date!  with six inspections and none on Friday!  So he had 2 on Mon, 2 on Tue, 1 on Wed and 1 on Thur.  Crazy!  and he got a cold during that time.  And he still did it!!!  He only got tired, as anyone would working that hard with a cold.  But no signs of depression or anxiety!!!  SOOO Huge!!  I couldn't be prouder of the steps and the distance that he has come :D

I will try and post more, but with a busy life of a black belt 13 year old and a curling 11 year old and the 9 month old, its hard to find time just to get to the computer some days lol.

New baby = new life

Well, obviously I`ve had my baby now.  been supper busy with a new born and the regular life that we had with the other girls.  So busy with taekwondo and school and such, that its been crazy!

Our little lady was born on Jan 5 and we will call her E.  Miss E was 9lb 6oz and 20" long.  big baby I know, but she was right in the middle of my other two.  Thankfully the labor this time was very quick.  It was intense, but quick so it was ok.  I managed another no pain killer labor and delivery, as we got to the hospital shortly after ten and she was born at 10:59 am.  So it was quick and we barely made it lol.

She is precious of course. J did really good the first week, he was there for me and her while still going to work full time.  No inspections at that time, but he was working fulltime at his part time job so that worked really well.  Both D and I helped as much as they could too, but they are both very inexperienced with a newborn and so its not like I could give them the baby and walk away lol.

My mom came down to help, but ended up getting sick with two different things and so wasn't able to spend much time with her or the new baby. :(

J tired pretty soon after the first couple weeks.  It is hard to take care of a new born for sure.  Especially one that seems to be sensitive and fussy.  I dont want to say colic, but close to it.  there was a few evenings that she just cried and cried.  J got up once one the weekend to help give me a break, and it sure did help me.  but I think it only helped tire him out.

Now J has inspections, one a week ish and working almost fulltime hours (he doesn't work if he has inspections or appointments, other than that, he is working fulltime at his part time job)  And running the older girls around for taekwondo and school and stuff.  We seem to never have time to do anything.  Which is one reason why I haven't posted in ever.  that and E likes to nurse every two hours most days, which makes doing anything hard right now.  Both J and I are sooo worn out and tired and near our end.  But we keep pushing.

We had a bit of a fight the other night.  I was upset that it seems to be, me and the girls are the only ones doing anything around the house.  He wasn't feeling great, part anxious and stressed and tired and was lying down in bed.  I was also having a slightly bad day, crying baby, girls not listening and having my husband leave me to deal with all this alone didn't help my feelings either.  The dam dog even got into it and stole J's steak from the table!!!  He has never ever ever taken food that wasn't his! this blew my mind!  But the girls started the dishes and I started dealing with the baby again, bath time and bed time.  When J left the bedroom (where we change and dress E) and then when we were done her changing and came out to join everyone in the living room, J finished his tea and left us again.  I was feeling very hurt.  I have struggled so much with this baby, emotionally, physically.  I second guess myself all the time, wonder if I'm doing the write things, worry that something will happen to her.  and since I've had to change my diet and she's so fussy its just been sooo much harder than anything that I remember.

I know I will miss new born baby too, but I can't wait till she's older and although some might argue this, easier to deal with.  I've even questioned if we made the right choice....

When I approached J about his disappearing act, he said he didin't even noticed that he was constantly leaving each room that we were in.  When I asked about the little bit of help he has been offering around the house, he didn't say much.  He didn't really say anything while I talked.  I even asked him if we made the wrong decision to have a baby.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I guess I was expecting more, or easier or both?  More happy moments, not fussy, fighting crappy moments.  we are all on the edge with what we are doing, that we all have fried nerve ends.  I keep telling myself it will get better.  just think, in less than a year, E will be walking, eating normal foods, sleeping well and maybe even talking, even if its just little words and it will be so different.  she will be awake and playing by herself and napping by herself and I will be able to do things.  and even D and I will be able to help much more than, if I need to do something, E wont be nursing, anyone can feed her.  I want to keep nursing her till I have to go back to work, but at this point, I'm not sure I can.  i always have to stop and feed her, but no one else seems to pick up where I left off in the house.  be it dishes or cooking supper for everyone, laundry or whatever.  The floors haven't been done in ever, cause I've vacuumed twice since E was born, but other than that, it hasn't been done.  Theres a reason I feel like if I dont do it, it wont get done.  but its hard to run the house when your busy running the house.  sigh, this too will pass right?

I really hope so.  the 30 min naps that E has settled into are so hard to do anything, and I can't really leave her alone to play yet.  and with feedings and burping (she's not the best burper) she isn't awake a horrible long time before she naps and needs to feed again.  I feel like i'm failing as a mother :(

38 weeks

This still seems crazy. 38 weeks pregnant. We are going to have a baby.  A real live baby.... I feel her move around and cant believe it still.  She moves so much.  Nothing like my other two.  And James seem ok too.  Or he is holding it in really well lol.  He doesnt seem overly excited like our oldest, squeeling and jumping up and down.  But he doesnt seem depressed either.  Currently the home inspection business isnt doing so good, slow time and he never reay got his name out as much as he wanted either.  He manahed to get lucky and get a part time job here in our little town that was very flexible and understanding.  So if he gets an inspection he can go to it.  Even days like today when Irene had to go to the dermatologist for the virus she has, James aas able to take the whole day off. He has been doing really really good for the most part.  He knows he has to deal with things and the pot helps too.  That might have been the saviour all along.  It has allowed him to calm down when needed and think rationally though some of the panic and stress.  Dont get us wrong, if he can avoid things like the mall, he will.  But he doesnt worry about going as much if he has to go.  Which leads to a better time there, because he isnt as worried about it to start with!  And he knows he can step out side and smoke if it ever came down to it too.  But he has had a lot more good and even decent days versus bad days for sure.  I think he is excited about the baby and that could be why he is having more good days than bad days too.  

It is exciting of course, a new life, kinda a new start for us too.  I think it will being us all together even closer as a family.  And i think we are pretty close as it is.  We talk and joke about many things.  Doris is 13 now and wants to date or at least is seeing boys that way.  We are comfortable enough to joke with her about sex and although it currently embarrases the crap out of her, she knows that we dont ever want her to think she cant come and talk to us about anything.  Ever.  So i think this baby will solidify our family unit as one.  And i cant wait for that.  Not that you can really feel any gaps, but split families often have them and i think there are a few, but very very small, and this will seal them for us.  That makes me really happy and i can only hope that it will help James as well!  If he feels more like a real father and not a step dad he may feel more comfortable and understanding too.  Bring on the happiness my little one :):)

Still weird

It is still hard to imagine another baby girl.  Im always scared something us going to happen and it wont come true.  I havent and wont tell James, he would try and take it on instead of just listening :(. Thats one of his down falls.  He cant seem to just listen, he always tries to solve it and then he will stress over trying to solve someone elses problem.  And something like my stupid worry, he cant solve.  I just have to live through this and see if nothing happens or if something does.  I will still have to live through it.  I remember when Irene was born, i had a similar worry.  I didnt bond with her for the first month because I had the worst feeling that she was not going to be here for long.  That she was going to die.  I'm not physic or anything but, i have only ever envisioned my life with two girls.  So hows does three fit in?  Im so worried that it will still be two girls :(. Amd not that i'm having a boy, but that something bad will happen and we will lose one of my children.  How does a person get over that?  Sigh... A few more months and maybe once baby gets here I will be able to get over it.  Love conquerors all right? 

Its a girl!!

Lol, not what James had hoped for and I wonder if he feels more disconnected now that its a girl.  Of course like any good parent you say it doesn't matter, but we all have a preference andget disappointed   when we don't get what we want. I am worried that he will bond differently with his own child versus my girls and i am worried that they will notice and resent him a bit.  I also realize that im sure its natural.  He has been through it all with this child and will het the instant bond that he obviously didn't with my girls.  But that doesn't mean that he couldn't work on making it just as strong.  I hope that their love for this child will help bring is together more as a whole family too.  That is really what i hope for and want.  Of course i have no idea what i will get.  But i hope their is enough love that i have shared and raised my girls with that this will only strengthen their relationship with James as their father and bring them that much closer together.  Just like a real dad and daughter :).  

Oh the fears of parenthood.  I have so many with this baby that I didn't have with my girls.  Even that phrase might have to change a bit.  It cant just mean Doris and Irene, so I will have to make that adjustment too.  Simple things like that have me worried, but big things too. I remember being so scared that Irene was going to die on me and it took longer to bond with her than it should have.  And i worried again too.  I have only ever seen two girls in my future, not that I'm physic or anything, but sometimes you just know.  Like how i knew my first two babies where girls before they where born.  And so here is born the fear that i will lose one of my children.  According to many God only gives you what you can handle, and i dont know if i could handle it.  I think the only way i could, would be because of their surviving siblings.  Otherwise, i know i would not be able to handle losing a child.  But i dont know what life has in store for me and the only way to know is to move forward.