Shortly after we moved out, of course we had the nasty chore of working full time, and getting the house organized. It took so long, well over 2 months. We moved in September soon after we moved, James wasn't able to work at the delivery job anymore, they would get him to work in the store more than driving, and he, as anyone with social issues would know, can't deal with customers that well. He went to the current job fair and didn't see or find anything that would suit him.
I was still working part time in my banking position while he was at home with the kids. This helped save on money since there was no need for a babysitter then. But it also became challenging to look for work because he was always at home with the kids. He had an interview with a tire place, and went for orientation, but was unable to attend the next day. This really bothered him. He stayed in bed that day.
In November he found a job in renovating. One of his dreams still is to be an arcitect, so with experience in renovating, that would help him understand the building aspects of a house and to get some hands on building is something he normally enjoys doing. Sounded like a wonderful job. It was even with a small crew of just 3 guys. That sounded even better. not that many people staring at him or hovering over him. 3 weeks of working there and he got yelled at and just couldnt' do it anymore. He was in tears for a few days and in bed. he couldn't call to quit his job, he couldn't call for help. he was down for the count. James finally decided to get in to see a doctor about his social phobia.
This was still all very difficult for me to deal with. I still didn't understand how, if you wanted something, how you couldn't get it. You couldn't find a way, push your self, reach out if you wanted someone. One of his common complaints was that I was not there for him that much. It is very hard to know when to be there holding him and when to leave cause he has had enough. Or to leave the children, who were, 5 and 8 at the time, alone for any period of time, to let the house go and not cook supper. I had a very hard time being there for him, when he couldnt be there for me. I was struggling to understand, struggling to make bills, struggling to raise a family and now I had to deal with a BIG disability it seemed. I wasn't ready to raise an adult. I was frustrated with him all the time, he couldn't explain anything to me, he wouldn't talk to me that much, or at least not about what he was feeling.
For both of us, it was easier to ignore the fights and problems and just continue on with ourselves. James always knew that if he needed time for himself, that it was very important that he find it, but I resented that. It took him away from me and the kids and it was often enough that it was just about everyday. And of course, he couldn't wait until it was night time when everything was calm. he would need the time when it was most chaotic. Which again didn't help me feel or act any better, when he would step out when I needed him most.
The doctor that James saw, gave him sick notes to stay off work for a little bit and some medication to try. The medication, at first seemed to help. But there were still bill piling up, since James was not working and I was the only one working, full time at least, to help out around christmas time. That didn't give a lot of money to the bills that we had. The stress of raising a family and paying bills and all that, never went away while he was getting better, and in fact only got bigger. His parents helped pay our bills and so did my mom at this time. There were serveral things that I suggested that James try, starting a journal, exercising daily, metitation, blogging, finding online support groups, talking to his friends and family, talking to me any way shape or form, texting, emailing, whatever it took to get those things fixed. But he started to get better with the medicaiton and didn't start those things that I suggested, and I didn't push it either.
By april, James was able to go back to work and found work as a hot tub tech. It was a small family run business, which helped, samll crew of two, him and somone else, and working by themselves. Problem solving and fixing. He got to use his head and his hands. he loved the job right away. The hours were great too, it was m-f 9-5. If he stayed long enough, we could even get a discount on a hot tub, sweet! Life was good again. Bills were getting paid, we weren't really getting ahead, but we werent falling behind anymore. Our relationship still hadn't been fixed, but we had learned how to live our own lives together. We did what we wanted, but we told the other person so that they would know, and we went to bed on our own, but told the other person and let them choose to come to bed if they wanted to. We were living together, but not with each other, if that makes sense. it was life, and life goes on.
By august, life as a hot tub tech was getting hard. James was getting into trouble for things that he had been told to do, but in that situation the boss forget or thought that there was a better solution, that James was supposed to know, even though James had been told in the past, in this situation, do this. James was getting into trouble for things that the other tech was doing wrong, he was getting shorted on just about every check for hours, there was no over time pay, no holiday pay, not benefits health care wise. With Social phobia it is very hard to deal wtih being yelled at. James had a break down and a week later was unable to go to work. The boss, did know at the end of the employment about James' social phobia, and yet, didn't make any attempt to better the work place for James.
During this time, August 2009, the economy was doing really really bad, there were no jobs out there to be found, especially some that would work for what James would need. James, with the help of his mother, was able to apply for Sickness ei and was approved. this helped a little bit, and it took a long time to get it approved and filled out. James also took the last employer to employment standards to fight for the overtime and holiday pay. That was a very slow and stressful thing. it was a lot of argueing back and forth about he said she said. that didn't help in the home life. James stayed home with the kids, again to save money, I went and started to look for another part time job. I was working part time and full time at the bank and then would work part time as a tele-recruiter. James and his parents ended up working out a plan of action. James would work on the renovations that his dad and mom wanted done to their house for wages to help pay our bills. With the Ei that James was getting the money from his mom and dad and my two incomes, we were able to make it work. We even managed to save some money and travel to my mom's for christmas.
It wasn't until March 2010 before James was working. But this time, it wasn't because he wasnt looking or to sick. There was just no call backs and nothing to apply for. Ei had just ran out when he got hired as a water line tester. It was long hours, but really good pay. James had been on different medication and was doing well. He was even willing to work on the house most nights after working 12 hour days! We were just starting to get caught up, we manage to pay off our taxes and were about to have our first free cheque with no bills, when the company told the crew that they would have to start working 18 days stright and 3 days off. Origanally it was 11 days on and 3 off. James didnt want to work that much, he said that he missed us, he barely got to see the kids as James would be off to work by the time they were getting up and he wouldn't get home until after they were in bed. I would be tired and it wouldn't give us a lot of time either together. We had a family reunion planned out for July and James wasn't able to keep the job till then. He quit a week before that. Almost always, he would agree to find another job first, but would never be able to keep that agreement. Which would frustrate me. And still does frustrate me. When James decides that he is going to quit, he cant stay commited to that job anymore, even if he says that he wants to. He has never finished a 2 week notice that he has given, when he has been able to give one. With this situation, we started to look for another job, the water line tech was only supposed to go until aug anyways, the beginning of July so that he could give two weeks if needed and start a new job when we got back from holidays. But as you can see, when James starts looking for another job, that is becuase he has already decided that he can't work at his current one. If he believes that he can't work at his current job, then it makes if very difficult for him to go back the next day or the next after that.
After we got back from holidays, it was back to applying for ei and looking for a job. The kids were in a free day care program that they loved and it would make life easy for James to job hunt or work on his parents place to earn some money. James got a call for a spray foam tech at the beginning of August. James really like having no worries after the job. One day would be one job. The job, or house, would be done that day and he wouldn't have that worry of the job hanging over his head. There was also manual labor included in this, which James enjoyed because he knew it was good for his health and would tire him out. Some times with the social phobia James would not sleep that well, and physical and mental exhaustion would help with that. After being told that James would be working m-f basically 9-5 and some rare weekends, that was not the case. James only worked to the end of august, as his schedule would change daily. Some days he would work at 6, then the next day off, then the next day at one and then at 6 and then at 7 and then at 10, and then they would get rained out for 3 days. Some one with social phobia, they benefit from having a set schedule. This job didn't provide that, it was also low paying and with missing many days (he worked 48 hours in two weeks) it just wasn't possible to keep the job. James was also finding it very boring and repetitive. James called in sick and then couldn't' handle it, and quick the next day. Time to start looking for another job again.
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