TGIF. We have a movie night planned. Doris is taking us out for supper, that we will bring home and all of us watch a movie. Then James will leave and my night will suck. I already know this. Cause I still hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. And I am still scared and worried. Even today, my heart aches and my chest hurts and my tummy gets queasy. I am still scared that it wont work out. I know all the things he is doing is so that he can be with us, and so that proves that he does want to be with us. But I just can't shake the feeling that he just doesn't know what he really wants. or maybe what he needs. Maybe he wants all of us, but maybe that is not what he needs. Hence the reason he is not living with us, but could that ever get better? He only got worse the longer he lived with us. The more responsibilities that came with living with us, became to much and he slowly continued to get worse. And that is proof. I am scared that he will get better, move home and start to go down again. then with the realization that a family and family life, house, dog, mortgage, that might all be to much for him. Of course this is not what I want, or hope for. But as my body keeps telling me, it is what I am expecting. I hope that he gets better than he has ever been, although his parents say that he has never been this bad before, so that is a very hard leap. I hope that he can keep up with all that he has learned and will continue to learn, although he has never once in his entire life taken it upon himself to research this or to find coping methods before. I hope that he can be the happiest that he has ever been, no matter what path he needs to take. I hope that we can do all that together, I hope that the kids make him smile again, I hope that he does want to grow old with me, I hope that we are enough to make him stronger in keeping him self healthy in all aspects. Time will show that, and I will just have to wait and see. Lets see how tonight goes.
Discovered that more of my fear was for seeing the psyciatrist. I have never been fond of counciling and I dont like it when someone tells me that my choices are wrong. But I think that I need to talk to someone smarter than me, so I go. I am so nervous I shake the whole time I'm there. Don't know if he noticed. I lay out everything, James and both girls and work, everything that I have been having problems with and that take the whole first session. He rebooks for October 5 and says he has to figure out where to start, cause, wow, that's alot. I laugh nervously, cause, don't I know it.
James meets us at the babysitter and we head to Wendy's for supper. Doris is buying supper for all of us with her savings. James seems pretty good, can't see that much stress or anything. We get our food and head home. One kid with me and one with him. He drives his own truck because he is not spending the night and since it will be late after the movie I wont have to drive him home. We get home, finish eating, Irene has a shower, and we start the movie. "how to train your dragon" it was pretty good. we all sat there and watched it. Movie was over and Doris asks James if he will be here in the morning. I sit there, don't answer, adrenaline surges through me. I don't want him to go, I want him to take me in his arms and take me to bed. I don't know if that is the best thing, but that is what I want. But I also haven't wanted this from the beginning. And I know that he wants to stay, but how badly does he want to stay and will he? He says, I dunno, we will see. Is he really considering staying? if he spends one night, how hard will be it be for him to go back to his parents? We finish getting the kids to bed. I check somethings on the computer and call James over to visit, so that he is not left on the couch thinking he is alone and unwanted. He comes over and sits by me, I am jumping websites looking for pictures for the babysitter. I close one down and the next tab that opens is my blog. crap. I don't know if he is ready for that. That is why I have not offered it to him yet. I don't think he can handle my problems yet. I grab another tab and then open up a new search. I don't know if her realized it was my blog or his or thought it was someone else. I'm scared now that he might go home read it and crash hard because of it. He is not leaving yet, I can see he is tired. I am very tired. But I am not going to ask him to leave, and I am not going to ask him to stay. It has to be his choice. After chit chatting a bit, I need to go to bed, with or with out him. So I ask, what are you doing? "i dunno" "ok, well I'm going to bed" I go and get into PJ's. He hasn't moved. I can see that he wants to stay. I go to my bedroom and start making the bed. He comes in, I think that he is going to join me, he says that he is going back to his parents. for fuck sakes!!! what is so wrong with staying? why is he choosing that? why does he think that's better? "ok" what else can I say? He gathers his things, I follow cause I have to lock up after him. I tell him that he will have to explain that one to me tomorrow "explain what?' "why you are not staying" "oh...er..umm." "tomorrow" "ok" He has all his things and is walking out the door. I ask about tomorrow, if he knows what time he is coming out, if he is coming out? He says he doesn't know. Ouch. Is he not planning on coming out tomorrow or only answering the first part of the question. He leaves. I'm so hurt. I'm calling him every name in the book in my head, why didn't he stay? I'm so tired that I just pass out.
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