Bad sleep again. had trouble going to sleep and didn't sleep that good. at almost two in the morning James' mom text me "i will stay over night with James. He will see psychiatrist doctor in the morning" "ty" Wasn't that the plan already, not sure why she is texting me that. Wait...Did she take him in last night? didn't wait until this morning like originally planned? ouch, my tummy hurts.
I'm scared and lost. I thought I dealt a bit last night, but maybe not as much as I thought I had. It was very very hard to get out of the shower today. I just stood there, and then when I thought I was going to leave, I saw the wall and thought that would be nice to lay on. So i did. And didn't want to move. Slowly got my hair done,and makeup while debating going to work. I don't know if i can take it, and I also don't care that much, bad combo. I get back to my room to get dressed. I sit at my computer instead. I don't want to get dressed, that's so much work, even to get into Pj's to go to bed. I sit there. about 10 min later I remember I texted his mom about if they went in. Grab my phone and check. yes they did. I've just decided that I can get dressed and go in to be with him.
I ask if I should come, what is going on. She says no wait. I can't. There is no way I can wait while he is there suffering, I have to be there to support him. I drive in, cancel on work. I get there and wait. I get in his room and we wait. He is supposed to be seen by a doctor by 9 and it is now after 10. James is out of it. They gave him some adivan and suricwil and it knocked him out. But that's ok. He needs sleep. If he is sleeping, he is safe. We sit there in his dark ER room and wait. lunch comes and goes. He is still sleeping. His mom is hungry and needs to eat, so heads to the cafeteria for some food, brings it back and shares with me. The nurse comes in the check on him. He doesn't wake. I have to take Irene to the doctors, so I leave and take her. I come back and the doc still hasn't been there. James is awake, but hasn't eaten or drank or done anything else. He is seemingly a invalid. Doesn't talk, doesn't move, doesn't eat, nothing. His mom and me talk some more. The doc finally comes, it is after 3.
He asks what is going on. we explain. he asks James why. James doesn't answer. The doc asks if he is always like this. If we always talk for him. Even if they take him in, they can not guarantee that he is safe, that he will live or that he will get better. It will be up to him. That the doc needs an invite into James' life to help. The doc asks if James' regular doc knows about this suicide thoughts. No. why. Cause James' doesn't talk about them. "if he doesn't tell me or tells me he is fine, then what?" dunno. The doctors says that we have to stop thinking for him, stop talking for him. He asks what we want for him. health, happiness, good job, family. "what if that is not what is best for him though? Do you want what is best, or what you think he needs?" shit that hits home. The doc is asking if maybe the best thing for him is death? I can't face that question really, but if that is really the best, then that is what James will do. But. But, is all I have. Doc says
"you need to say goodbye to James" what? like forever? does the doc say that he is going to die? does the doc think that they can't help? "you need to say good bye to the James that you know, cause what was, is no more. he will be different from here on out and the James that you know will no longer exist." holly! What a bomb shell. The doc agrees to admit him and that they will take care of him, but he also reminds us that he might get better and get discharged and still kill himself. Or he might get all better, but it will be his choice. We decide to stay with James until he gets to his own room. His mom needs to eat and leaves the room for a few. I reach out and gently hold his hand. he is crying. I kiss his hand. he is still crying. I don't want to pry and I don't want to push. I don't say anything. His mom comes back, she see's him crying, and asks if she should leave, I say no. She sits. James props up his head and looks at her. he asks for some food. She goes and gets it. I hold his hand again, cause he put his hand in mine. I ask why he is crying. He says he is scared. I say it's ok to be scared. He eats. he says he is light headed. His mom decides that it doesn't take two of us to stay and goes home. He says he is still hungry. I ask the nurse. She has ordered him supper since he is admitted now. we chat a bit about childhood memories and nothing that matters. He eats his supper. we chat just a little bit more, and then he starts to sleep again. I sit there waiting for them to bring him up to his room. the nurse comes in and tells me that we are now looking at 8ish before he will get there. that is very late. I see if his mom can take my kids home. she is too tired to do that. Ok, she goes and gets them to meet at the hospital and I have to say my goodbyes to James. As ready as I thought I was for that, I start to chew hard core on my finger. It takes me several minutes to stand up. and then he says goodbye and I can't spit those words out. I just hold his hand. Couple more minutes and I can finally say "i wish you the best, I hope you get what you need" 'good bye" "good bye" "i love you" "i love you too" I bend down and give him a small kiss. Then one on the forehead. I can't believe that I have to walk away from him like this, but I have too. I have no idea what tomorrow brings. But I know that he will get better or he will end it. But either way, it should be over. the fighting of it anyways. And I do truly wish he gets what ever is best for himself.
I tell my self that I will move on for now, I will be a better mom, I will be there more for them, I will listen more, yell less and love more. I am not leaving him. But I am going to understand that he needs to do what is best and so do I. The doctor told us that we need to do something nice for ourselves. we need to focus on us too.
I don't know what tomorrow will be, visiting and all that, or what we will be like, but that is for tomorrow.
Called the hospital, right now, kids aren't recommended and we have to call in advance. and we can call to see how things are going with him. She says that he should see me though, and that sucks, cause i don't know how do to that with my work schedule and the kids and all that? do I keep getting babysitters, that I can't afford, to keep raising my kids while I am out visiting their daddy that they can't have or see? I know that wont work, at least not often. when will I find time then?
I have to let him choose. can I do that? I have no choice really, but.... I would physically survive should he choose to end it, but I don't want that choice. Getting all worried and worked up again. My shoulders hurt so much. Breathing is getting labored a little bit, scaled maybe a 3. Not bad, but I know it can get worse. Especially cause now that I have no one to talk to all I can think about, is if it is best for me. That statement will stick with me for a while. And I really hope, that death is not what is best for him. And I hope he remembers that life can be great and i hope that he wants that. Even if it is not with me, I am prepared for that. It will hurt like hell, but if he is alive and well, then I will be, eventually, ok. I know that I need sleep, I need to go to work tomorrow and face the boss over this, since she thinks it would be better if I left this mess. No she didn't say that, what she said was "you also need to think about what is best for you and your girls" So same thing. As my mom pointed out, if this was my legal husband would they be telling me to leave this hard situation? I never will. I can not walk away from someone who feels unloved and hurt and lonely in this word. I can not walk away and show him he is right. He is not right. Those are false thoughts. he can, with treatment and help, change those thoughts. I pray and pray, so many times, I prayed for him today. Chose life. please. I know that he needs to do what he needs to do though. I need to sleep. I take advil for the pain in the head and shoulders, and rolaids for the tummy, and my own anti anxiety pills since I know that that is what the breathing and shoulder main is from. Plus they normally put me to sleep. and 6:30 will come to early I think. What a day.
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