As you can tell I didn't blog yesterday. Just didn't have time more so and didn't really have much to tell. James had a bad day, called me in the afternoon in tears. Feeling very depressed and unwanted and unimportant. But those were very good feeling that he was able to notice and point out and then of course deal with them. And he knew that they were a little bit silly. The nurses are busy and they had to take a few minutes to get your stuff, but that has happened every single time he has asked for anything. so it shouldn't have bothered him, but it did. So he had to figure that out. And he was at least able to notice his thinking, so that was great. He called at night time to tell me again he was frustrated, more angry than upset though, the doc didn't even come and see him. i explained that it must mean that you are an easy case then.
I was busy doing lots last night, mostly getting some chainmaille cut up for my daughter so that she can make lots and lots of earrings this weekend. So she can sell them next weekend. Then there was the internet, printing business cards for my aunt for next weekend. Playing with the borders and the images and spacing. was up till 1 before sleep came. Then i was cold, then had a nightmare, then was awake at 5:30. wtf? did manage to nod off a bit again until 6 when the shower started, then again at 6:30 when it was time to get the kids ready. After they left, manage to go back to sleep till 11. Was very nice. Decided to get out of bed at that time and let the dog out and eat. Was dreaming about eating, so I better eat my starving soul. Get my food in the microwave and the phone rings. Its James. YAY. He's very happy and asks if I can pick him up for 12. mmmm.......maybe. of course I want to, but I just got up, still in pj's just put food in the mic and its a thirty minute drive to town. He has 4 hour day pass today. right on! We talk a little bit trying to figure out the day, he says that he needs to get his street clothes and have a shower yet and if we meet after his lunch comes that would be ok too. Then I think, what about lunch with his mom? he likes that Idea too. So he calls her and then calls me back. he left a message to call me to arrange it all. Chat just a bit more, then he wants to go get ready and I have to finish getting ready too. My food didn't cook properly and his mom called as was all up for lunch idea, and tells me to not bother eating. So I gave it to the dog. Got ready and grabbed the things that I could remember to bring in. And went in to go visit him. Had to wait while the nurse got all the paperwork in order. Finally got him signed out by 12:40. Got to be back at 4:30. Head over to the restaurant. We get there first and it is a bit busier than we thought. But James says its fine. We have a very yummy lunch but we weren't done till 2. We head over to his parents place so he can get on the internet and check emails and so we can be alone and cuddle. His computer is set up so he can use it from his bed, so we cuddle on the bed while he play's on the computer. He was finally done by 2:45. We will have to leave at 3 to pick up the kids. Want to get Irene in the try taekwondo and that starts at 4:30. Will have to drop off James a little bit earlier than. Stinks a bit, but we got more than an hour in an interview room. So even if we have to cut it a little bit short, it will still be good. Laying there in each others arms. on the way over to his parents place he did mention that he has been so horny the last couple days thinking about me, and I tell him that he is not the only one that is sexually frustrated, but I don't know if that is what we should do, jump into the sack instead of talking/cuddling. But laying there, all I can think about it him. I want him. I need him. I turn my head to kiss, I know he will want it too, but.....we really shouldn't. I kiss him. he kisses back. we kiss more passionately. I need him. I don't care. I pull him onto me. Just that alone has me shaking. But I also know that we only have a few minutes too, that this wont be able to be something special and it should be. takes about 2 minutes to get the pants off. When he first enters my nerves are so sensitive that I just about orgasm just from that. A couple of thrust kills the nerves and I can start enjoying it properly. Just like most fairy tales in the sex land, we actually end up finishing together, which was amazing. as soon as I realize that he finished too though, I start to process. we didn't use a condom. he didn't pull out. yes I haven't had my period yet since I stopped the shot, but he doesn't want a child, and as most things work, that's when it happens, is when you don't want it. well there is nothing that can be done now. I wonder if he has thought about it? realized the chance he just took too. laying there together and I know that we have to go soon for the kids. Ask him what time it is, 3. 'we have to go' 'i know' we get up and get dressed and grab his clothes to take back and books. We go and get the kids. They are happy to see him. We tell them right up that we are going to go to a store to shop and then we have to take dad back. 'but why, he isn't in the hospital anymore, that means that he is all better' 'no it doesn't' 'oh' I explain that the doctor allowed him to come and spend some time with us, and that was it. I ask James if the store that we are going to is ok, and he says yes. We get looking for costumes and a chainmaille holder for Doris. Find them all. Leaving the store a little bit early, but that means that we wont be spending that much more money in there either, so that's good. Irene has a new costume and Doris decided to be a witch again this year (so we have all the stuff at home to do it) and the chainmaille things are more money there then at the dollar store, so i will check there morrow. now it is only 4 though. Don't want to drop him off that much earlier. but not sure what to do for about 15 minutes. Drive slowly back to the hospital. We all get out and give kisses and hugs to him and say see you later. and I love yous. Off to taekwondo.
Trying to figure it all out. I really think that she needs something like taekwondo for Irene too, just cause she has so much energy and this will be a well directed way to release it and also teach respect, disipline and all that other good stuff. and of course protection to her self. It might even help at home cause they could help each other. Doris is very bored while watching her sister be out there and her doing nothing. Learned how hard it was and i think has new appreciation for all the times that Irene waited for her. Doris thinks that it would be good if she can help out teaching and working with the lower belts. She asks. The instructor agree's that she could probably help out. The babysitter texts back that she might not be able to drive them, it might be to much. chit. I already have Irene trying out, already told her if she likes it we could sign her up, didn't realize that it would be that much harder for her. Trying to figure it out. Thought that it was be less rushed if we did Irene's on mon and wed, and Doris's on Tue and Thur. But I can get the girls to come home on their own on mon and wed. They would only be home alone for about 30 minutes and Doris is old enough to be home alone, and almost old enough to be babysitting, so, I could do that. Then it would just be driving both of them to class on tues at the time that I get off. And driving both of them to the class on thur and I could pick them up both days. Eat at grandma's or bring in sandwiches, go back for Doris's class, cause if she is helping teach on that class, then they could both be there and wouldn't need the babysitter to stay either. and fridays, again, she would just have to drop them off at the start time, and they are back to back that day, and I would go there, pick them up and go home and eat. So even though there is a bit more driving, it is less time with the kids. But the babysitter hasn't thought that all out yet. So she will let me know in a week. But If i put Irene in the tue, thur class, Doris will have to ask if she can help in that class, cause it might be a different instructor for that class, or different students that don't need the help or what not. Oh crappity, just looked at the schedule.. tue thur isn't the same time. They wouldn't start until 5:30, so they would need to eat at the babysitter first for supper. But if I am saving money on sending them home on mon wed, then I can offer a bit more money. but it would still be about the same though, on tue, I would come and get them after they are done eating, both of them would go there if Doris can help teach, and even if she can't she can wait with me. and then switch for Doris' class. On thur, the babysitter would have to drop them off there, cause that is the same time I get off and I would just go there instead. Still not much harder. and fridays, they would just go there almost right after school and again I would go there directly too. hhmmm. Well hopefully the babysitter realizes that she would have them less, even on the days that they would have taekwondo, so maybe it will work out. I sure hope it does, Irene needs it too almost as much as Doris does. Got nervous and upset when the babysitter said no at first though. still a bit worried, but if we can talk it out, I am sure that she would see that it isn't that much more. Get home and make supper, Irene does her mounds of homework and has a shower. We have supper while watching a movie, the kids love that. Irene starts to get sick again at bed time. She hasn't realized yet that I just make her go to bed at that time, cause that is the best cure and if it is right before bed, well then, jump into bed. ;) she wants those vitamins for her headache. (chewable tylonol) No, go to bed, sleeping will make you feel better, you don't need medicine. And if she should still be sick in the morning, well that's and we can give meds then. she went to sleep pretty good. Might be tired from taekwondo, which is precicely why I want her to be in taekwondo. Doris wants to finish the movie, only if it is done by 9:30 or she turns it off too. Phone rings at 9. its james, that's our time to talk. He says hi. 'hi' 'going to have to start calling you earlier' he sounds drunk almost, he is slurring his words 'ok, what do you mean?' 'the new meds they have me on are making me really tired' 'what new meds?' he has been on the meds for not elevating his anxiety for a couple days. what new meds are these? 'the seraquim ones that I was on before, he wants me to take them at around 6 so that they wont bother me in the morning and i had to struggle to get up to call you, but i wanted to, so that you woulnd't worry' stupid ass doctor. Why the fuck is he being put on this med! he is not struggling, he is sleeping fine, he is coping fine, he hasn't been complaining of the anxiety getting the better of him, why is he having to go back onto two meds for anxiety??!?!!!? does the doctor think that he can't do anything without them then? how does that show hope in your patient? here you need these meds before you do anything, cause I know that you can't do it on your own. FUCK THAT. I really don't like this doctor. And James is willing, cause he wants to show that he wants to get better, and you have to do what the 'smart' doctors tell you, cause of course they are the only ones that know anything. grrrrr. He is fine with out then, why drug him up. fuck that pisses me right off! We don't talk much, Doris is up and beside me, movie is on, and he is out of it. So I say 'I wouldn't have worried, i wouldn't have liked it and it would have sucked, but not worried about it' 'ya well, same thing' 'well how about I let you get a good night sleep then' 'ok, you too' he sounded so happy to go to bed and relieved that I let him off the hook, he didn't have to ask not to talk to me, something that always hurts me, so I manned up and did what he needed. And it didn't bother me. he will call me tomorrow so that we know if he can meet downstairs or what is going on, so that I can figure out babysitter if needed. Still mad about this doctor and don't want to get pissy and excited about it all in front of James cause he isn't. But fuck, i totally don't get it at all. He has gone 6 days fine without any kind of meds at all and this new doc walks in and goes, oh you have anxiety, oh you have to be taking this then. Fuck that bullshit. what the fuck is that? I don't think so, it starts with your thinking, how you look at things, and meds don't do a dam thing about that. he can be on all the meds in the world and still go down, I thought that we proved that already? Like hello? And he finally got happy without the meds and so we put him back on them? he doesn't like meds, he doesn't like being drugged, and what just happened? how is he going to feel tomorrow? will it be hard to get out of bed tomorrow for the first time since being in there? If it is, it sure would seem like a back step to me, and it would be the doc's fault. but what if James see's it as his fault for not standing up for himself and taking the pills. what if he starts to think that he isn't getting better and starts to think wrong again and doesn't realize that it is the meds again? he says he will refuse if they don't work, but how will he know that they are not working? will he be there enough to notice? I still don't understand it at all, why put him on if he is ok without? why can't they wait to see if he can't handle the anxiety group or the day passes and then offer him something for it? Doesn't that seem fair? although, I just thought, if they fail, it is very hard to try again, so maybe the doc figures, get him on the meds and then no anxiety will happen when he goes out, so he can't fail, but what happens when he comes off the meds then? will he be ok then? confident enough then to do it by himself? or will he think that he can't ever do it without the meds, that it was the meds that got him through it, and not him? Fuck! I hate this. Get better!
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