Tuesday October 12 2010

Wake up.  Ouch.  My tummy hurts so much.  I get up with the kids.  Tired.  My stomach hurts so much though.  I am using both hands to push on it to try and make it feel better.  I decide that I shouldn't go to work if I am in that much pain and have nothing, no pepto or Imodom to take to make it better.  Get the kids off to school and call work.  Manager isn't there and I have to call back later.  James cell goes off to take his pill.  he doesn't.  he says he wont be any more.  Ok.  Sleep for about an hour.  Phone rings. It is the school.  Irene is on the phone saying she just puked in the bathroom and still feels sick.  crap.  I have to go and get her.  My stomach still hurts.  James says he isn't feeling good either, so I don't ask him to get her.  I am tired too and worried that might affect my driving a bit.  But I have to get her.  So I manage to put on some cloths and go to town.  I take all his old meds with me.  Since he is not feeling any better, I need to make sure the meds are out of the house so that he doesn't go back down that road.  Will he go back down that road if he doesn't work on getting better?  so scary of a thought.  We get back home and I put Irene on the couch, telling her that she has to lay down all day if she is not feeling better and I head to bed too.  Don't get much sleep, though.  cuddle and talk with James, not about to much, we try and get the Dr.'s number that he first saw while in 5 south.  But it's kinda hard, and he doesn't want to call.  Well I can't call for him.  We find the number.  He makes an appointment with his crisis councilor for Friday.  That's good.  He tells me how hard that was.  But he did it and that's good I tell him.  Not sure what else to do.  He starts to hide in the bed.  I ask him if he wants me to stay.  he does, then he needs to sit up beside me, work with me a bit.  My tummy still hurts a bit, and I don't like laying down.  he gets up and sits in bed beside me so we can cuddle.  Doesn't take me long and I am passing out cuddling him.  I put the computer away and lay down to snooze.  wake up at 3.  Answer a text to his mom about if he has called yet.  answer no, and he said that he isn't sure he can call any doctors today.  no response from her after that.  Try to go back to sleep.  Doris calls from the bus stop, if she is getting picked up, no, walk.  Time to get up it looks like.  its 4.  We hang out a bit, watching tv, then I go to make supper, just turkey sandwiches cause i don't feel like cooking.  Supper was good.  James is on the computer and I am on the bed.  Decide my tum don't hurt that much, I can take Doris to taekwondo, and i want to get Irene registered now that my aunt can take her.  No one is there to get Irene registered.  tomorrow I guess then.  Tum starts to hurt a tiny bit.  Text with James he says things are going good, that's good.  Taekwondo is over, time to go home.  James says that he is trying to hurry Irene out of the shower, I tell him to not worry about hurrying, just take it easy.  Get home and my tummy is hurting. Take some Kaopectake for the diarrhea and cramps.  It doesn't help.  it stress?  is it still from the bad food on Friday?  I didn't have any diary for supper though.  How do you calm down stress when your not sure what your stressing over?  Am i scared to leave James home alone?  Am I just scared about him? and his recovery?  on not recovery?  he is doing better again at night time, can i deal with that?  he never has to do anything in the evenings or deal with authorities to stress him.  he hasn't figure out how to deal with the depression to get up in the morning.  So much for me to think about, I can't stay home with him to help him.  His mom didn't either but she would come home and if he got suicidal she would come home  I don't have that luxury.  Is he safe here by himself?  did we make the right choice in having him come home?  its what he wants, but he is not doing anything about it.  How will he ever be able to push through it?  He says that he is going to go to the anxiety drop in group tomorrow morning and call for the Dr that he wants tomorrow.  I fear that he wont. Even when he wants something if it isn't wanting it enough, then he still doesn't.  I don't understand, and he doesn't explain.  He shuts down, doesn't talk or let anyone in.  How are we ever going to help if he doesn't talk?  Will he do this with the doc?  why does he talk to the doc and not me?  I know I'm not a doc, but talking helps.  And he has only written in his journal once.  The computer is more fun then dealing with it.  Or so it seems.  he just plays games on it.  he doesn't research, he doesn't blog or anything.  I go to bed, James can't sleep.  He tries to lay in bed for about 30 min.  I don't think that's long enough to know if you can sleep or not.  Again I fear that he is slipping back into old habits.  staying up late and then he uses the 'I'm tired' excuse' he has to make a routine and stick to it, and he knows this, but no one can make him.  If he doesn't do these things to make himself better, how can he blame the doctors when it is not the doctors that are not helping him.  I have to take pain killers just to go to sleep, the pain in my stomach is bad and my jaw hurts and my head hurts.  i think about what my manager said, needing a doctors note, i think if i am still in pain tomorrow, then yep, i should get checked.  I do worry that it might be something else all together, my last pregnancy started that way.  in pain after every time I ate.  And that was stress related too.  I try not to think at all so that I can sleep.  i try not to worry about James and what he is doing.  i want to go to work, I need to sleep.  Sleep is all I think about.