Thanksgiving day. Had a crap night. Tossed and turned, hot and cold, dog getting sick. Finally threw him outside at quarter to five. James didn't hear anything. woke up at 8. too tied, back to bed, i will wake at 9 to visit before my mom leaves and start the day. I feel James get up and out of bed, look at the clock, its 9:30. Very proud that he is up and at em, considering I'm not. That is so weird, but in a good way. We get up. My mom is still sleeping and so is Irene. Doris is playing Mario cart with no sound as to not wake any of us up. We join her and I lose every time and James and Doris win. My mom wakes up around 10 or so. She shocked that Irene is still sleeping too. The morning goes well. I am happy, he seems happy and that is a good thing. It doesn't take long for James to go to his computer though. he is on it before 11:30. Mom jumps into the shower and I start laundry. I make a snack and head to the bed room, where James is on the computer. I ask how its going, he says fine. I wonder if he is doing the 'I'm fine' even though my dad just died kinda fine. Managing, but not really ok kinda fine. I ask him about the safe letter from the hospital, he hasn't done it yet. Little upset that he hasn't done it yet. It feels like it is all over again. The doctors say, do this work on your own and come back and he doesn't do it, cause they aren't specifically saying you must put your left leg over the right leg in order to win. And they wont. Is it starting again, he has work to do, and he isn't doing it, but then can't figure out why he isn't getting better? I leave it alone though. Maybe he just forgot and me asking will remind him. I decide that I can work on my laptop, which is in the bed room, and blog a bit while he plays the computer. I start to wonder how long he will play this time, and if he is realizing just how much he uses his computer as an escape. Does he care? Does he think he needs it that much? Do the kids drive him to the escape for hours after just playing mario cart? How much more worse is this than I thought? Will I have to choose? will he walk away if he can't find a way to deal? I have said for a long time, it isn't me that has a problem with dealing with hard things and working on it, its him. Long time ago, right before he moved into his parents place, he parents were asking me if I was willing to deal and handle this stuff, and even then I thought, that it wasn't me that was having a problem with it. But maybe that was what they were asking. I am sure it wasn't, I am sure they were asking if I can handle the break downs, the stress, the fear, the pain, the lack of a job. Those I can deal with, or have in the past anyways, so I should be able to in the future, but not dealing with problems I can't. And that is, from the look of it, a symptom of the anxiety. Avoid the crappy parts. Don't deal with them and they wont bother you. No i can't deal with that. The kids start to fight. Mom is just about done the shower, i have to put my stuff away to deal with them, cause he wont/can't/shouldn't. How much longer before he can deal with them? ever? This bothers me. A lot. he can do so much research online for parenting stuff, and again, he doesn't do the work himself, he expects, or at least prefers someone to tell him how he is supposed to act, respond and deal with the kids. The problem with that, is they only give guide lines, idea's suggestions. he will still have to play with it and see what works for him, what he can do in that situation and he will have to learn to control his anger or it will never work. I ask home many more hours he is going to play for. He says till he finds a save point. That could be a while. We all help my mom finish getting ready, time to say goodbye. it is almost 1. I go and see if James will come and say goodbye. i think they need a hug. I think that my mom needs to remember that he is a good person and that he needs to know that my mom is a big help. She also suffers from depression and has given advice in the past that he has not done or couldn't do. He comes out to say good bye. We all hug, and kiss good bye. I lean into James, he wraps his arms around me after a few moments with me leaning on him. he told me that in his game he died and had to start all over again. that stinks. The kids want to bike ride, ok. Time for me and James. Of course, I see it as time to work on things, and it doesn't take long for him to want to stop talking about it, which shows me that he still doesn't know how to deal with his problems that well. and that bites. He isn't sure how he is going to deal with the kids, he isn't sure how he is going to handle the doc's telling him what to do, he isn't sure if he can find another doc. I tell him that I have started to hate the word 'I dunno' he kinda smiles at that. He wants to change the subject, so I try to. The kids come home and that helps cause we don't really talk about it in front of them. James goes back to his computer and I continue working on my aunt's bottle cap stuff.
I convince everyone that we need to do a family thing together, the kids want a movie and we want a game. So after supper we roll the dice to see who wins. The kids rolled a 6 when we weren't looking and so when I rolled a 3 they won. James was doing his chainmaille and so was Doris but we all sat down to watch a movie after some arguing over what movie and convincing Doris to stay and watch it cause what matters is that we are all together. Turns out 'robots" was a good choice, made all of us laugh. I made sure that I sat beside James to touch, rub his leg. After that it is time to get the kids ready for bed. Irene goes first and James and I decide a little guitar hero is in order. Doris wants to join in. She only has time for two rounds then bed time. James and I continue to play, but only for a set or two, I just can't seem to get into it and hit the notes and it is driving me bonkers. I suggest that we watch a movie since it is only 9. Just me and him in bed. Ok. We pick 'gamer' I am snacking on some chips and James is just hanging out. By the end of the movie my tummy hurts though and a bit upset. James says that his heartburn is gone though, he had taken Rolaids for it at the begining of the movie. We cuddle. I have to sit up, don't feel good. Go and get Rolaids and water. Doesn't help. I start to shake. Badly again. Just like the first night after the costco food. I have my bucket. I can't catch my breath. I hurt. I try to swallow and its hard. I can feel my mouth filling up a bit with extra saliva, I don't want to puke. I start to breath faster, I can't control it. It hurts. James rubs my back, as much as I want privacy, I need him there too. I finally catch my breath, and it seems that I can't puke either, start to calm down. James gets me more water. I drink it. I start to shake again though. I curl up in the fetal position with my bucket under my head, as I am on an incline on my bed. I start to tell myself 'sleep' 'sleep' its the only word I say in my head. I notice I am nodding off. I am exhausted enough to fall asleep. I move my bucket to the floor and lay down on my bed. Very shortly after that I hear James crying. Oh crap. I roll over. I start to rub his back asking him whats wrong. He says he can feel himself falling back down. He doesn't want to see his doctor anymore, whats the point? we already decided to find him a new doctor, but he can't focus on this or can't see it as good thing. he can't find any happiness in his life. shit. And there aint much I can do, I can keep telling him ll the things that he can live for, all the things he can make happy, but unless he chooses that, there is nothing that I can do. Until he tells himself those things, nothing will matter, and I know it is hard to do when you don't care when you see no point. But that is what he has to do, even if at first he doesn't listen. It will work, slowly. He has to choose it though. I mostly rub his back for several hours before he calms down. Then he start to rub my leg, and I mention to him how proud I am of all the things that he is doing, like touching my, the three chapters he has read, visiting on Sunday, all those things. It doesn't take long for us both to feel the touching in our loins and soon we are having very intimate sex again. it is 4 in the morning. i know that 6:30 comes early and that's ok, I can work with two hours sleep. Hopefully with this, passion, he will feel more loved and better tomorrow.
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