wake up around 9. 8 hours sleep, that's pretty good. don't want to get up though. Irene slept with me cause our company took over her room. She starts to stir too. She gets up, and lets to dog out and goes to play Wii. She leaves my door open a crack. Soon all the kids are up and playing Wii. It is good for them to play. Soon they are yelling with excitement and trying to figure out who should be able to pick the next course or game. I get up and kick them off. They go downstairs to play. My friend gets up too. We both head to the computer first. I read emails, check face book and blog. Then it is 10:30 and I know I have to make breakfast. The kids have to eat. I make breakfast with the help of my friend. She grabs a shower while i finish cooking, my mind wonders back to my crappy life and that there is nothing that I can do about it. And about James and what his life might be like. i start to get down again. we eat breakfast and then start to clean up and get things on the go. We have to try and get some cleaning/laundry done (house has not been cleaned in like 3 weeks, been hard when you don't care and have a husband sick) and visit and supper with his parents. Both kids manage to do all their chores by the time we need to leave and I manage to pick up a few things. Then i mostly sat on my bum picking at my fingers. I know I need to clean, but I just can't seem to go and actually do it. I wanted to, but I sat there instead, thinking about how the day was going to go and what it was like and all the crap that was going on. We grab a quick bite before heading into town at two thirty. Doris remembers to bring cards so that we have something to do, as the kids get very bored very fast in the small visiting room.
We get to the hospital, I had a chat with the kids before we left, on the expectations I had of their behavior and they agreed, so it should be better today than yesterday. We get there and ask the nurse to visit. We get into the room and Irene jumps all over him. It is so cute. James really seems to be enjoying it too. He makes a silly face and smiles. Then I say what about Doris? "I only have one leg" says Irene. So Doris jumps on his other knee and gives him a big hug too. he is loving it, and brings a smile to my face too. Irene wants a group hug. 'but there is no room for me' "there is a chair over beside me" says James. "well ok, but someone else was sitting there first" "I will hold them down for you" I go over there and sit down beside him, then lean over and we all hug. It is a great moment. I love it. It feels great. Then Kisses and hugs are shared too. I lean back, it is uncomfortable to lean like that. Then Irene wants to play cards, I convince the kids to 'warm up' by playing by themselves while me and daddy talk a bit. We chat about his chaotic day, RCMP's being there again, and about him taking meds last night cause he needed them because of all the chap that went on yesterday, and that he still hasn't seen a doctor, that their arn't doctors on the weekends and that the nurses think that he should be able to wear street clothes soon, that he shouldn't be in Purple (purple means you can't leave the unit) and then maybe he can work on day trips. If he can leave the unit, we could at least visit some where better in the hospital, vs that small little room. not sure what kind of time limit he would have on being out of the unit then. But we know that eventually he can even have weekend visits and then of course coming home permanently. I am worried about those trips though, they were hard to go back to his parents place from here, I imagine that it will be hard again to do that. If he doesn't feel that he is getting help, no doctors coming in, then will he go back to thinking about ending it all? I ask him what he did to deal with the anxiety last night from the drama. he says, i took meds and went to my room. 'but you didn't do anything to deal with it? you avoided it and took meds that will change your body?' he doesn't respond, he looks sad and upset. I ask him if he started the work book, no he hasn't. Even the nurse said that it was a great work book though. I mention that it came highly recommended and that is why I bought it. I start to worry that he wont be working at getting better on his own again. That if the doctor doesn't say, this is what you do when you feel like this, then he wont do it. he can cure himself, he could have long time ago, and he said that he realized that, but did he? That book and help so much, and so can the breathing and relaxation and everything, but he doesn't/isn't/hasn't been doing them. Why? He wants to get better, but what? Can't he remember? is he scared of the book? A book that might bring him peace? Does he not see it that way? Does he only see the wall that he has to climb over to get to the green valley and see's the limit to the wall? is that what he sees from his anxiety? I don't want to hurt him so I change the subject. I only wanted him to realize that their are other options. i just want him to realize that he might be following his old habits, since they are habits, it takes a conscious mind to realize that. I ask about the phone calls. He meant to call last night, but forgot. Ouch. I'm forgettable. must not be on his mind as much as he is on mine. And he couldn't call after 10, I say yes you can, he says no he is not allowed. oh. I didn't know that they weren't allowed out of the room after 10 and before 7. The nurses never told me and neither did he, that changes things a little bit. the kids are done playing by themselves now. We help count how is the winner. Our turn. Irene doesn't want to play memory, so James, Doris and I play. James wins. He is a smart cookie and competitive. sometimes makes playing with him hard, but he is a good player at anything that he does. Irene wants to play now. But James doesn't want to play memory again. Irene chooses go fish. James doesn't look like he is having that much fun anymore. will have to ask if it is hard with the kids. I hope not, but I can see how, i am thinking about doing maybe every second day with the kids. they don't like being boxed up in a room and told to be quiet and sit still. and it is hard for me and him to talk too, cause we don't talk about everything in front of them for obvious reasons. it is just about time to go, I tell the girls they both have 5 minutes to with just him. Doris goes first. They hug and cuddle and say I love yous. Then Irene goes. She bear hugs him. i entertain the other one while they are with him. James starts to tickle Irene, she farts on him, and we all laugh. telling him not to push that button again! Then I get 5 minutes. I hold and hug in for a few minutes first. We talk while embraced a bit. then pull back and look at each other. Its time to go. One more kiss at the door.
We get over to his parents place and start to look over his papers for disability. his dad helps fill out most of it. will have his mom look it over too and then his doctor to fill out the doctor part. Also had his dad call his last employer since without the ROE we can't get EI and also missing his last cheque. His dad left a message. We will see what happens. We have supper, then it is time to go, it is bath night and bed time soon and his parents still want to go and visit him. We go home, time to get some homework done. Doris helps Irene read while i do up some dishes. They didn't clean out their lunches on Friday, so I tell them they get to do dishes by hand tonight. Finish homework, shower and bedtime snack for Irene. Then they do up the dishes. Just in time for bed. Doris finishes up one more dish before all done. She gets into Pj's and then i tell her snack time. she asks what to have. what can you have every time you ask. She starts the listing them all. I throw out a few more ideas, she doesn't like them. I ask what she wants then, 'i dunno' 'I can't make i dunno' she giggles, then heads off to the kitchen to see what she can have. The phone rings. unkown caller. I answer. telus with a collect call from 'James'.............................I say hello? I press 1 cause I know that is what you press to accept. nothing. dead silence. then I hear the click of the line being cut off, like the silence of losing a cell phone call and the click that follows when they finally cut it off. Shit. wth? i hang up. I wonder what he heard? did he have to hang up? did something happen? did he have to leave suddenly? Is that payphone not allowed to make collect calls? Is my phone set up not to accept them? I don't think so. He will call back though. I wait. and wait. I start to wonder if he can't call. maybe they arn't allowed to use that phone. almost and hour goes by, I basically gave up thinking he was calling me tonight. not talking even with the small visits is to hard for me. I hate it. I barely get to see him for maybe 40 minutes and then i don't get to hear about anything else till the next visit. It is very very hard and making me very down. The phone rings. unkown caller. My heart skips, maybe it wont work again. One way to find out. I pick it up. collect call. press 1 to accept. thats farther than we got last time yay. 'hi' 'hi' 'how are you' 'alright' we talk about the rest of his day, his visit with his mom and dad, and how he gave his dad some info about his credit card. i ask why, he isn't supposed to be worring about this. I also dont like his dad having access when I dont even have access. And i already told him today not to worry about it, since we have already made the payment. he tells me his dad asked. oh. why did he ask? (we have already dealt with this. do they not believe me? are they still trying to get more control over him and his things? yes they are paying it, but its not mine and he isn't using it, so it would only help James, what would be the problem here) he mentioned that we talked about it. oh. "i told him that you have all my passwords and can get him that information' 'i don't have your password to your credit card' 'its the same for everything else' 'then whats your sign in, cause it doesn't work' 'oh, i think its this' 'if it is a different name, then how am i supposed to know that?' 'i guess' 'don't worry about it anyways' 'i'm not' 'ok. and I told them that you can sign onto internet banking and all that so you can talk to them about it' ' i can't sign onto internet banking, you never gave me your card number and I don't have your bank card' 'oh, oops, and my card is in my wallet and I gave that to my parents' why is he giving everything to them and not me? does he not what his stuff to come home? does he not want me to deal with this stuff? handle it? does he trust them more? should I ask him that? should I do it, even if I don't feel comfortable with that? do they feel comfortable with me being the only insight? will the be asking me for all his banking stuff? I don't wan to give them that. it just doesn't feel right. If it is what he wants though, I will do it. 'what else have you giving to your parents' 'just my phone' 'and your wallet' 'not my wallet, i just left it there when we came here' 'oh, ok, so its at your parents, you didn't give it to them' 'that's right' that's a little bit better. Hate it when I don't understand. Just hate it. Makes me think though still...about day trips....and his stuff being at his parents....should i bring it home? will he want that? should I ask? if I don't bring it home? what if his parents wont let me take his stuff? "i dont want to worry about this, but...when you do day trips, where will you go?' 'probably my parents place, my computer is there, I have thought about it, and with the driving and everything, it would be easier to go to my parents place and hang out there if I want to internet or anything' ouch!! Double ouch!! He finally gets a day out of that nut house and he doens't want to come here!?!?!?!? my heart just dropped. Does he really want to come home? is this not his home? OMG. This can't be happening again? does he think he needs to stay at his parents and only visit our home? cause that worked so well last time? why wouldn't he want to come home? HIS home, his bed, his clothes, his shampoo, his kitchen, his food, his couch, his comfort zone. or is it his comfort zone? FUCK!! wtf. omg. I ask him, why. 'thought it would be easier, if it is a taekwondo night, it would be hard to visit and drive and all that' 'so, is it not worth it? do you not want to be in your home? YOUR home?' 'well i would have to get a ride, and time line and no one would be home anyways' 'no one would be home at your parents either, do you not want to?' ' i do, just would be easier is all' 'ok, well i'm hurt, you would rather go stay at your parents place, with your one day and only visit YOUR house and family and home, and have to go back, all because it is easier?' 'i see your point, i don't know, I just thought, since I can't be driving it would be easier' 'why can't you drive' 'dont have my truck' 'oh. ' 'and i might have to come back and see the doc between 2-4 and would need a ride for that' 'that doesn't make sense though, they let you out but not for the whole day, even though the pass is for the whole day, you have to come back and stick around until the doc can get around to seeing you' 'ya, i dunno, i will worry about that when it happens, seems so far away right now, trying not to think about it' 'ok, but you have thought about it a bit, or you wouldn't have already figured out to leave your stuff at your parents' 'just once' ok time to change the subject here, don't want to fight and that is what it seems to be doing. I hate it. Why can't i leave things alone sometimes? why do I have to know? Why can't I just be happy that he is getting better? dammit. he says that if he got an overnight one, like a weekend pass, he is coming home!! period! thats good, that makes me feel a bit better. but only a bit. starting to chew again too, I hate that too. I hate it that other see it too, and I can't control it. I start to put on more bandages, it is the only way I wont chew them. and that is only while the bandage is on, the minute is it off I start on them. And no, I can't just tell me self that there is a bandage, cause my fingers will feel the bandage when I go to pick and that is what stops it. and here I go again not leaving things alone "if you come out for a weekend and all your stuff is at your parents..." 'i can grab it on my way out' ' ok, then you get a day pass and your stuff is out here' 'then i can deal with that then' well why can't you just deal with it now? yes it is hard to make the trip, but I don't understand how a person would not want to go to their own home. their own things, their own everything. That would be the first place that i would want to go. Straight to my bed. my smells, my home. this is so frustrating. 'i don't want to be pushing or anything, but when you have to go back after a day or weekend....are you going to be able to deal with that?' he is silent for a bit....'i dunno' 'ok, something to talk bout with your doctor, just cause I know you really want these trips and you have to be ready for them, cause it was hard when you were just at your parents place and that was a nicer place than where you are now, it might be harder to go back there" and it might not be, which is scary for me. 'ya i will have too talk with him' it is almost 10 and he will get kicked off at ten and sent to his bedroom. I ask how his mornings have been. he says actually really really good. but that is cause he hasn't been on meds, he says. I don't think so. maybe a bit. 'that was one reason anyways' he says 'I don't agree.' 'well they were making me so sleepy' 'but before you started them you were having problems getting out of bed' 'ya but these made it worse' 'and you had one last night and were up early this morning' 'mmm' 'and you still have things to do in there, responsibilits to see the doctor to visit with us and you get up' 'hmm' 'you would be awake at 8 and lay there till 1 before you would get out of bed, so it wasn't the meds that made you stay in bed' 'maybe, but they didn't help' 'i agree that they didn't help, but I'm thinking that they only made about 10% of the problem, where I think you believe that they made more of a 50% problem" 'hmm" "i'm not saying you were wrong or that you were doing anything that you coudn't have done, but I am saying that you have changed your thinking, it was you, not the meds, and that you are strong enough, you can do this, you have proof, i only want to point out things that you might not have thought of' ' i know, and its ok, I see where your coming from' 'good' 'btw, how is the visit with the kids? hard?' kinda' oh crap. 'oh, near the end it looked like it was getting hard, was it at the begining too?' 'a bit, but today was easier than yesterday' well thats good, getting better, why, fear? 'are you scared?" 'i dont think its that, I just dont know what to do, if I had a place to go and play, maybe that would be better' 'well I can only say on that, do what you want to with them' 'ya i know' but its 10 now and he has to go. we say sweet good byes and love yous and misses you, and have good nights.
I hate it. So much!! It is never enough, I hate the phone for that, I want him here talking to me. will it ever be enough? how much longer can I do this for? I have a week off and can't wait, but I can't even spend all that time with him, cause visiting hours are when I have the kids and the kids are kids. I want my time with him too. gggrrrrrr. I want to punch again. been thinking I should take up boxing. I think I would like that, they also say that it is great for weight loss and muscle toning, which is what I want too, and then i get to punch things too. And I know I have power, I know i could do it well. I don't' think I would ever want to compete, I don't like pain. But punching works. but don't have money for that anyways, so nothing to worry about for that. Doesn't look like we can get Irene into gymnastics either right now, so I talked to her about waiting for the next session or if she wants something right now. She doesn't want to wait. ok, what do you want then? she doesn't know, we go through some of the things that she can do. She chooses taekwondo. I would have to look at the times. Thinking that it would work best if she does opposite days that Doris does, or we would have to find a way to eat in town 2 nights a week. but then mon and wed would be clear, instead of a little bit each day. I dunno. both have pro's and con's. if she goes on mon and wed, then we could head home after and have supper and send her to bath and bed. if she goes on tue and thur like Doris, then they would have to eat before 5:30. hmmm. decisions decisions. well I think that is it for this night, I really want to play rock band tonight, so I think I will smash some drums and then hit the hay. Going to have the girls come into the doc's in the morning, so I don't have to get up that early, then I will drop them off, have lunch and hit my ent appointment. So I can stay up a little bit, since I don't have to get up as early.
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