Not so good. Having more bad days. No coping skills can do that. Texting him at lunch and he tells me that he has no patients and having a bad day. I suggest a couple things, nap, meditation. He doesn't want to do them. A little cranky from that myself. Again he is being told things that might work, that have worked on other people, but he doesn't want to even try. Why? I don't understand why he isn't willing to try. Not much I can do, but tell him I love him.
New work schedule has me running late for this week, text James to see if he can do supper, cause I will only have 30 minutes at home before I have to rush back for Taekwondo. He doesn't want to, he thinks the babysitter does it today, no that's Thursday. 'i guess so, what time' I explain I am still at work, need to get the kids before I will drive home about 45 minutes yet. I tell him, if he can't, i can eat in town. We both know that we can't afford that, but I can't be having the kids starve either. He says he can do it. ok. That sure helps.
Get home. Soup is on the stove. Spill marks everywhere. uh oh. James is not any where to be seen. Crap. Get the kids eating. Irene throws a fit over the soup. I tell her to eat or stave. I go to our room, certain that is where James is. I tickle him. No response. ok, your having a bad day, I'm here for you and you still don't care, well that just makes me feel so special doesn't it? I lean over and ask him whats up. 'my hand hurts' 'why' 'aldlafjsdofosufd' 'i can't hear you' 'because I punched the wall' wtf? sigh. 'why did you punch the wall?' 'alskjjjfjfl' he is talking into his pillow that he has over his head and I can't hear him. I crawl over him and remove the pillow and tell him that I can't hear him. 'because that's all that I could do to stop from throwing the soup all over when it boiled over' my first thought is why did it boil over? what was so distracting that you couldn't watch the soup for a few minutes, why did you have it up that high, idiot. but I don't say those and ignore them as soon as I think them. I don't say much, cause don't know what to say. I cuddle him a little bit, but have to get back to the kids and supper cause I have to get back to town for taekwondo. Very frustrating. another day where the kids dont get to see him, cause he can't handle stress at all.
Go to taekwondo, come home, and he's on the couch. He looks still a bit stressed. We had been texting and I said I love you and he didn't respond back. Driving home, I was worried, I knew that it was most likely him just being him and not thinking I needed a response, because he thinks that way. But there are thoughts that maybe he isn't doing good, maybe he can't respond maybe something happened, maybe he finally had enough of me. I try to ignore those thoughts, cause I know that chance are they are not real, and they are just going to stress me out too. I ask him if he got my text. Don't want to get mad at him for not responding if he didn't even get my text in the first place. 'what text' 'the text that i sent you saying i love you' 'mmmm' 'did you get it?' 'yea' 'how come you didn't respond to it?' 'guess I just thought it was in response to my face book status' 'but it wasn't, and you didn't say love you back, that kinda hurts' 'oh' that doesn't help me much, he knows that i like to know that he got the text and that by responding then I know what is going on.
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