Sunday October 10 2010

wake up, still tired.  Go back to sleep.  Wake up again, don't hear anything, no kids awake, want to keep sleeping then.  James stirs, he puts his arm over me, I push myself over to him so that I can spoon with him.  I miss him still, and want to be with him as much as I can.  He must have gone back to sleep right away, he doesn't wrap his arm around me, just leaves it hanging.  I get negative thoughts, oh he got the good sex, now he doesn't need to touch me any more?  It begins, he is falling again.  Great just fucking Great.  Well I will still go to him and hold him.  Pass back out again for a tiny bit.  Wake up again, feeling more awake, look at the clock, just about 11.  Should get up.  I wonder about this, Sunday's were normally the hardest days for him to get up too, I believe because we do all the house cleaning on one day, Sunday.  And that is a lot of chores, responsibilities for him and he doesn't like those.  But he is supposed to have changed right?  He said in the last couple days of being in the hospital that he was so bored and wished he could be home cause there is so much that he could be doing at home.  Even when he said those, I wondered, if he wants to do them, but wont.  Hard to explain, I know he wants to do them, but the pressure of them, or something like that, gets to be to much and then he never does them.  And then there comes the guilt of not being able to do them, and then he can see the unfinished product sitting there, laughing at him.  I mention that its 11 and we should get up, I have lots to do and don't want to mess up his schedule that much.  he says yep.  I get up and go to the kitchen. he didn't follow me out.  I know he has to get dressed and all that, but I have this dread.  I feel like any other Sunday from before, that he won't be able to get up and their wont be anything that we can do about it.  I start to clean up the kitchen cause I need the frying pan for breakfast.  He hasn't gotten up yet.  shit.  I go to the bedroom, he is laying across the bed.  i ask if he is ok 'ya, just don't feel great' 'wanna talk to me' shrugs his shoulders 'that's what I am hear for, talk to me, whats up?" I don't want to get mad, but if he can get out of bed when the nurse yells at him, why can't he get out of bed when I ask?  He can do it when he has to, but not when he thinks he doesn't have to and he can't seem to change his thinking, or doesn't want to, I dunno.  he never knows what he is thinking to explain it to me.  'my neck hurts, I'm dizzy, feel drugged' 'that's no fun, do you want some pain killers for the neck?' shrugs his shoulders 'sure'  I know he doesn't like pills and that includes pain killers, but sometimes you have too.  I get him some pills and continue with breakfast.  More dread more worry, it feels like the same as before, does he feel it too?  is he worried?  is he changing his thinking?  is he working on it?  Anything?  My mom calls my brother, my brother is going to come out here.  I keep making breakfast, pan scrambler, takes about and hour and a bit to make it all.  James is up and at his computer when I tell him breakfast is ready, at least he is up though.  He comes out.  He talks with my mom and me and my brother, like its just another day.  He looks tired, but you can't tell anything else.  Finish breakfast and I start to clean up.  All three of them check out a video on the computer.  James stays on the computer.  My mom and brother finish their visits, he leaves at quarter to 3.  James is back in bed.  He says that he just feels out of it, not himself.  'what do you mean' 'i dunno'  'wanna tell me what your thinking' 'i dunno'  I still hate that response more that anything.  But I surprisingly don't get that mad over it.  I lay with him a bit.  I ask him to pick three things that are positive.  'I'm not thinking negatively' 'i know, but your not thinking positively either right' 'well no' 'ok, pick three'  I wag my fingers in the air again.  And they hang there.  a full minute goes by with no response from him.  'hhhmmmmm dunno' that bites a bit, me and his family didn't make the list?  I thought that he would just copy that last list he made.  He can't think of anything good?  Not even a little bit?  I am not considered good any more?  Wow that says a little bit doesn't it?  I repeat 'just three things, they don't have to be positive, just nice things then' again i get a zombie like response, a grunt or a groan.  I stop wagging my fingers in the air and tug my arms under my breast.  I am upset that he wont try.  This is why he didn't get better last time, he didn't try.  and he isn't trying now.  His mothers words pop into my head, have a fun weekend, work on the 'homework' after.  But he might need to be working on it now, not waiting.  Look at what he is doing.  We ran out of water when my brother was here and it took him over an hour to go and get that for us.  Irene's chain came off and during their conversation, he screamed at her to wait.  He is freaking out.  In this state he might start looking for a quick way out again.  How to cure the depressed when they wont do what they are told?  He wanted out of the hospital to what?  lay in bed and be miserable?  I don't want to push it too much either, cause I already know that he feels bad that he can't do it and he knows that it hurts a little bit.   And that just makes things worse too.  But what kind of life is this?  I ask him if he is ok with himself right now.  'no' 'ok, so lets change your thinking then' 'mm'  ' no one can change it for you, only you' 'i know'  Then do it ass!  So frustrating.  I have to leave his side because we are having Thanksgiving today and I am cooking everything.  Everything from scratch too. I am stuck in the kitchen now until after supper with everything that needs to be done.  My uncle and aunt show up for supper.  I worry that James will hide it all away and then he will feel embarrassed and ashamed and wont face them again if he hides this time.  But I have to cook, I have a family to take care of and everything else, i can't stay by his side, and he knows this.  Does he resent that I have kids?  that they come first?  Is that why he has started to hate them?  he is always fighting with them, they seem to never be able to enjoy each other, play have fun, that kind of thing, even just sit and talk turns into an argument most times.  James come's out of his bedroom.  he looks...upset? mad?  something like that, he stands against the railing we have that is outside the kitchen, so that he is not in the kitchen with everyone.  I know this is his way of joining without being that close.  I go to him.  Put my arms around him and whisper in his ear that I love him.  i feel that he needs to know this in able to keep it up.  I says he loves me back.  and we hold each other for the few minutes that I have while the potatoes and yams are boiling.  Then I have to leave to finish up.  James even comes over and asks if he can help.  Their isn't much, but he can help move some food around.  He does.  He seems...drugged almost, or out of it, like his head is somewhere else.  Is he wanting to be somewhere else?  I am sure that he doesn't want to be here with everyone when he doesn't feel good.  But it is hard to tell when he is laughing and joking and talking and smiling, it is hard to see that that is a bother.  we get supper all done, and everyone devours supper.  Everyone raves about it.  On to dessert.  Doris's chocolate pie and my Pumpkin pie with homemade whip cream are both raved upon again.  Very soon after, I start to get an upset tummy, I can't finish my dessert, and James leaves to go lay down.  My uncle comments to him as he is leaving.  I know that will hurt, I can't stop it though.  'you going to lay down?" 'yep'  I know it is more than that, but again I leave it alone, I have company and a dirty kitchen to clean up, so I can't go and stay by his side to comfort him, and if he was alone, no one would anyways, so he needs to figure out how to do that.  My uncle soon decides to leave, saying that he needs a nap too.  I wonder if he feels like he should leave cause James is having a hard time.  It's a nice thought, but it wouldn't change anything.  I start to get sick again.  Stress and still some bad food in me, and I don't want this.  this is what my mom gets to see?  How bad will it be when she is gone?  James is on the computer again.  Not for long before he is on the bed and complaining of the pain and dizzy and all that again.  I mention that he should take some pain killers to put it at bay, so that at least he can have a good sleep.  I leave him, its 9 and he is in bed.  I continue cleaning, with my mom's help.  She helped alot.  I wonder if she doesn't like him when she feels that she needs to help me?  What does that make him feel like?  So hard, but the cleaning and stuff needs to be done, no matter what anyone feels about it.  After that, i start to feel a bit better, send the kids to bed, and me and mom play rock band a bit.  Getting tired.  Another long day with little sleep and stress has it in for me.  its 11 and we say good night.  I decide to go check emails and then blog for a bit.  James comes in at 12 to let me read his journal.  I wont copy it, but the jist of it is that he can't handle the kids and that he thinks it is because he can't control them.  Well he will never be able to control them, and that might be a breaking point.  does he see it that way?  will I have to choose my kids or him?  will he leave if he can't find a way?  will he realize that he 'loves' the idea of a family and home and white picket fence, but can't actually do it?  He wants it, but it might not work for him?  I decide to ask "what do you plan to do about that?" "dunno' i explain that it shocks me that he feels the need for control when he answers so many things with dunno, and doesn't look for answers on himself when things don't work.  and that he can't control kids.  'i know' i share somethings with him, feels right, he opened up with me, over a very hard subject, so i feel I should share back.  I explain that he has thoughts in there, in his journal, but i think he is still paraphrasing, not writing exactly what he is thinking down.  and that I have started a blog, but I don't think he is ready to read it,.  I tell him some of my fears, that he will realize that life is easier with out us, that he uses the computer like an alcoholic uses alcohol.  he never looked at it that way before.  ' you use it to run away, to escape from reality and to hid and not deal with it'  he shrugs his shoulders.  I tell him that I have negative thoughts and then have to work on them too, like how I thought that this morning right away when he didn't get up that it was just like the same.  He just shrugs his shoulders.  I congratulate him on having this breakthrough.  'that's why i write things down'  You never used to, I think, so its hard to hear him say that, when it never used to be something that he would do, but something that I always said would work and help just like that.  But none the less he is doing it now, and shouldn't stop. we go to bed and chat some more.  I tell him that even today I have noticed that he hasn't been touchy with me.  And that it hurts a bit.  And that I think he just hasn't realized it.  He shrugs 'mm'  I'm laying on him with my head on his shoulder and my arm across him.  I am stroking his chest.  I continue to cause I know he likes it and its a good feeling.  He brings up his hand that I am laying on and starts to run it through my hair.  It take very little time before I am asleep like that.  he asks if I am asleep, my turn 'mmm'  He bends forward and kisses me, I think he is horny, but I am so tired.  i kiss him back.  kisses again.  His facial hair pokes my cold sore, it hurts, I say ouch.  He says sorry, and lays back down.  I get comfy again in his arms and he runs his fingers through my hair again.  i go to sleep.