Wake up and remember. James is coming home. My tummy hurts. So nervous and excited. I'm more scared though. is it too early? can we all handle it? will his new found hope be enough? will I be strong enough to support him? I hope so, I want this too, and I have some idea's and plan on what to do to help, but I know I have anger and I have not been able to help in the past and very scared that I will not be as strong as we need.
Start to get things ready, realize that I need to or should get my running around done before I pick him up. just less for him to worry about or do. Kids have no school and so have to get them all ready too. James calls shortly after 11 saying yep, he is coming home, can I come and get him around 1. That should work. i do mentioned that it depends on the speed of the kids and he understands. he knows that I will anything I can to be there though to. Manage to get the kids ready to go and get to town. did go to walmart before picking him up, and that would have been about the worse one out of all the places so that isn't so bad. I tell him what we still need to do and he is ok with it. Signing his release papers and we get some new meds. So that's first. Cause he needs to take a pill soon from the one med. Head over to Costco to get some. Look around there to waste time, we all giggle cause we are all trying to sample all the food that they always have, but we aren't really shopping either. Get the meds and some lunch. First time for me eating at Costco. it was tasting great. But we all got upset tummies from it. Doris was very sick, felt like puking, so she laid on the couch all night and didn't go to taekwondo or do anything. We get home and get to relax for a little bit before worrying about supper. it has been pretty nice. holding hands when we can. Holding each other when we can. Feeling the love. Kissing, not making out, just nice kisses. I missed that more than I thought. I knew that I missed it. Just didn't know how much. And I am sure that it has some of the same feelings for James. Waited for some friends to come over. Cuddled on the bed a little bit. Started making supper, asked James for help, he just wanted to post he comment on face book. Ok. Got everything cut up and company showed up. Asked James if he was going to come and help with supper now. 'oh yeah, oops, i guess, sorry, i forgot' That bites a bit. That is something I have not liked in the past and if it is worse now, how will I handle it? I don't want to get mad. Not on our first day back. That would wreck everything. James helps a little bit. I know that he doesn't want/or is scared of the responsibilities of home life, but I just can't always do them myself. I can ask my daughter, but then I wonder how it makes both of them feel? And how will he ever learn the stress of a regular day if we don't invite him into them. Mind you there isn't a lot needed done once the veggies were all cut up. We all started to drink during supper and bs while the kids were still up. James did well, he does know these people too, but he didn't need a break not once and was laughing and having fun, joking about his visit to to lunny bin. Although there were somethings that he was saying that was new to me, and that again stung a bit, he is telling friends, but he didn't tell me. I am still struck with, am I not his best friend? Or is it so insignificant that he doesn't think I want to hear or something like that? I want to hear everything that he wants to say. Finally call it a night at 2 in the morning. We get to bed, and I am very drunk at this point and mention that I will not be able to have sex. Still not sure if that is what we should be jumping into or not, just cause, that is not what our relationship was built on and nor will it start. worried that if the first little bit is all great and then it starts to slag as life gets in the way, that it will start to bum him out and make things worse. Try to cuddle. Kinda start to nod off, but not used to sleeping with a man and it is hard to fall asleep. and I think I don't want to miss the petting that he has started to do. He asks if I am still awake. "yes' 'can I ask you something serious' 'uhum' 'you sound excited about that' 'I always want to hear you and your thoughts, so spill' ' well...and let me get this all straight....' I am wondering what it might be, has he realized how much I love him and he wants to pop the question? I certainly think its about fricken time honestly. but I don't want to push him either. Scare him off thing. 'being in there, really made me realize how much I love you and how strong this relationship is....' wow, is he , maybe...maybe. 'I just want to know if there is anything that you want me to do or not do for sex' omg, sex!?! I guess he is a guy, but it started so good and then went there. 'I thought that I already have told you' wondering if I should repeat them, kinda think that will be better at the moment kinds thing though. Start to feel a bit sick again. So does James. he ends up going to the bathroom and has some diarrhea and then I follow suit. I feel very very very sick at this point, I have a bucket in the bed with me, not beside it, in the bed with me. Take me until 4:30 before I calm down enough to sleep. Off and on for the rest of the night, or morning, trying to cuddle still and being hot, and sick, was very rough sleep.
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