Not a great sleep again, up to late for getting up in time, but at least no nightmares this time and a solid 5 hours, so that is good. Irene wasn't feeling good and I thought it would be nice to have a me and her day any ways with her stress and everything, might be good. We got up around 10:30, so she slept good too. I started to make our brunch around 11. James called. Just what I was waiting for, cause wasn't sure how today was going to work, if he can come downstairs or what. he sounds down and tired. uh oh. Not good. He says that he is still feeling drugged and that he couldn't wake up this morning cause of the drugs last night. They had him take them a 6 pm last night so that they wouldn't do this to him. And it did any ways. he says that he feels numb today. again, what he didn't want. he told the doctor that they would do this to him and the doc put him on them any ways. he doesn't understand why he is being put on drugs for anxiety, when he barely has any right now. He is going to ask the doc a whole bunch of questions, why is he on them, they are not working, he doesn't want them, they don't help him, and if the doc don't listen then he will ask for a new doc. I'm proud of him. i think he is doing it right. I mention that he doesn't have to take them, if the nurses don't watch. I am sure I am not helping with that comment, but if the meds aren't helping, then so what. He mentions that if he doest take them, and the nurses are aware, they will just pin him down and give him an injection. Well that doesn't fucking help then, if the drugs are making him sick and not helping him get better, then they force the drugs on him? ggrrrrrr. He also then mentions that he is still not allowed to leave. he is what they call special, he is not in purple but nothing else has changed. We were aware that if he wasn't wearing purple that meant that he was allowed some small things, like if he was a smoker, to go and have a smoke, or go to the cafeteria to get a bite to eat, or something like that. But nope, cause the doc didn't say so, that means that he can't. He is very frustrated. he knows that dealing with Anxiety, means that he has to be put in anxious situations, and even the doc wont let him out or let him go to leisure trips, or anything, so how the hell is he supposed to be in therapy when the doc wont let him. does the doc think that he is that bad and not saying anything? does he not know how bad he was before maybe and that is what the problem is? can't he read the other doc's notes for Christ sakes? The nurse was upset with James this morning cause he was still sleeping at 10:30, and they had to wake him up then. He told them, what did they expect? why don't they listen just a little bit? Oh I hope this doesn't continue. He feels like he isn't getting any help in there either. I remind him that he is getting some, he wouldn't see a doc every day or even every second day if he wasn't in there. So that is better. he feels like he is getting agoraphobic. and he says that he could just do that at home, never leave and never be anxious because of it. since that is what the doctors are doing. Just keeping him inside, he didn't need to go to the hospital for that. and in my opinion, he's right. He feels he would have more support if he wasn't in there, instead of calling every time he needs us. But could he leave if he wanted too?
Time to go into town and pick up Doris from school then visit then taekwondo and then home for the night. No school morrow means the girls can stay up late tonight.
Visit went well. Hugged right away, show my support and love. Then gave him all the goodies I brought him. He tells me that he did manage to tell the nurse that he wants no meds till he talks to the doc and the nurse was ok with that. That's good. hasn't seen the doc yet, but that is kinda normal, so not that big a deal. he is scared for the 6 o clock because he believes that the nurse will still force the meds on him. I remind him that he is not a mind reader, he doesn't know for sure what is going to happen and so we just have to wait and see, and not think about it. He has his list of questions, why is he on the meds, is their anything else that wont knock me out for 12+ hours? why don't I have privileges and how do I get them? all good questions. He says he doesn't understand why he is on the meds when he doesn't really have anxiety. I agree, and mention though, maybe the doc is doing a preemptive strike, so that when he goes out into the world he wont fail. But he still doesn't like it and well, neither do I. I would rather try it out and see and then get meds if it doesn't work. He is not opposed to meds completely, as long as they work. He is in such a down mood, looking at all the negative things, and it doesn't seem to matter that I am pointing out the good things. He is mad, I am worried that he might blow up and get put back into isolation. then back into purples. He would hate that. That would push him back so much. He doesn't keep the multi vitamins cause he figures the nurses will have to search them and regulate them and he doesn't want to deal with that. I hold out three fingers and tell him to list three positive things. he starts with me, I put one finger down. Then he goes to list the kids, and I can see in his eye that he thinks he can list his mom next and have three fingers down from that, nope. I say, ok family is one then. can't be all, keep going. He says "I am getting help in here" that's one more finger down, and the fact that he himself acknowledged that, is great. I have my pointer left. and tell him on more, cmon. Then cause I am a very silly person sometimes, I start to do the finger wag, of cmon cmon. He calls me a dork and laughs, but its good. he searches, he comes up with, 'I have one more friend" I would have liked something else a bit more, but he did find someone that has social anxiety with depression that he has know for several years now. but just like him, she never talked about it either. It is a great thing I think. for him to KNOW someone that went through it and even into the hospital her self and is living a great life. It is one thing to talk to someone, find a support group, it is another to find out the person you thought was a normal person, is just like you and you could have never know. I think that is great knowledge. His name gets called for supper and my time on my parking ticket is running out too, so we say good byes and love yous, and I head back to his parents place for supper and then taekwondo.
At taekwondo Irene gets very upset stating that I will not let her attend and that's all that she wants. I keep trying to explain to her, that I want the same thing, but I can't find someone to drive her. she would be at a different time slot than her sister and right now, i don't have anyone to drive her. She doesn't seem to understand, she keeps crying and throwing a fit saying that I am not letting her. I think I finally got her to understand and we finish taekwondo and head home. At least there is no school so they are up late, and Doris is working on the chainmaille that has taken over my kitchen table while they have a snack before bed. i convince them to have cereal with a large glass of milk for the muscles that they just used. They both agree with no fighting, and Irene doesn't fight for the shower time either. 9 o clock rolls around and the phone rings. Its James. He is calling that's good, we made a deal if he fought them and get into isolation he wouldn't call me, if he got drugged up and got drowsy then he would call me before he got to sleepy. I ask him how its going. 'good' 'thats good' 'so I'm coming home tomorrow' 'what?" "ya' "no, what? I don't understand" "i got discharged" "ok, but why? you couldn't even leave the unit today and now they are sending you home? that seems sudden and wierd' 'i know, but the doctor cleared it and he changed my meds' 'ok, well. wow. that's good.' 'i will call you tomorrow to arrange everything' 'so you can't come home tonight' 'nope' 'thats wierd' 'got to see the doctor tomorrow first ' 'oh ok, so hopefully it wont be to late, we have company coming over' 'it shouldn't be, with everyone else it has been in the afternoon that they send them home' 'ok, and we have taekwondo morrow afternoon' 'ya so that would work out' 'and we can stop at your parents place and grab your stuff. So what meds did they change?" 'they changed the seriquil to in half.' 'ok, and how do you feel?' 'fine' 'are you tired?" 'no' 'you sounds different though' 'hmm' 'like your coming home and there is no emotion in your voice' 'hmm....ya i guess, maybe I will talk to the doctor about that' 'Thats just how I see it, I could be wrong, what do you feel about coming home?" "no your right, I'm coming home and its kinda like, ok so what' 'ok, so maybe ask if you can use it like the other doc wanted, we fill the script and have it here for you to use when ever you need it and it is fast acting for the most part so you could do that maybe?" "ya i will talk to him about it.' we talk some more about non important stuff. I mention even another 10 min into that he is very mono toned. and again I mention in case I am reading/hearing it wrong. and advice for the diary again cause that is when he will notice the changes. I also mention that we will have to set times for homework at home, like the work book and stuff, cause we are not stopping getting better, and he agrees. that's good. I quickly wonder if he can handle the kids, babysitting and all that. but then i figure, i wont change anything, at least not right now, and he will have to handle it. not much choice there. I hope he is ready. he did great yesterday being out, so hopefully being at home, a place that he wanted to go to will be just fine. or at least we will finally get to start some therapy. And he is going to start seeing the crisis councilor again and now that he is ready to do what she says, there is lots of hope. I really can't wait. I know that we will have some set backs, and I don't like that and I hope that I am strong enough to be what he needs at those times too. I know I have grown and changed in the last month as he has too and we will both have to learn the new us. But I think it is all for the good. He has goals and wishes and dreams and feelings again, and so he has something to live for and that is what makes all the difference.
To the future!
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