Saturday October 9 2010

around seven in the morning after a horrible night, my friends alarms start to go off on her cell phone.  One problem, she doesn't hear it and it is keeping us awake, from what little sleep that we have even gotten.  I finally get up a 7:23 and find it and give it to her.  James gets up to have some toast and a pill.  I drink more water.  My tummy still hurts.  Go back to bed.  Try cuddling again.  Tell James that as much as I love to cuddling, it is not helping us sleep and we are going to need the sleep.  he agrees.  We cuddle without wrapping our arms around each other and moving our fingers around for comfort and feelings.  Hear noise near 10.  James jumps out of bed.  I ask him if he is ok.  He says 'yep, just getting up cause I don't want to mess up my schedule to much' i agree.  Something that has been said for a long time, and he wants to stick to it.  I know it is going to be hard, just like giving up pop, I drink it non stop, and I don't want him to get back onto it, but that is going to be hard, since it will be right there.  Same with staying up late and getting up early, cause that is what I do.  Getting up early has been a big problem in the past, however in the hospital he had to awake by 7:30 most mornings, and moving around by 9.  So I will be looking for that kind of time frame when Monday starts, even though I am very scared that it wont happen.  i want to talk about how the week will be, babysitting and kids and supper and everything since he is home, but I don't want to stress him out, very fine line that i have to walk, but I also can't afford to keep paying a babysitter when their daddy is at home doing nothing.  He didn't do any homework yesterday and I mention that we need to set a side some time for that today and he agrees.  We start talking again about how he is feeling and doing and it brings us back to when he got admitted.  He is describing he breakdown/breakthrough.  He says that he was just complain and that is what the doc said, 'we want to help you, but all I hear is complaining' I tell James that I would have loved to hear what he was saying.  He tells me that he can't remember it that well to repeat it.  frustrating a tiny bit.  but I know that is the way he is, If I don't get it fresh, my chances of getting it diminish every day.  he describes the whole scene.  Something he hasn't yet to do.  I don't interrupt.  I want to hear, I want him to talk, I want to listen.  Still a tiny bit upset that it has taken him all this time to tell me.  But he is telling me know.  He said that it is now easier to talk to me than his mom.  And for me that was pretty big, cause he would always turn to his mom first and not deal with me, kinda hard when you live with me, supposed to be your wife and friend and we are raising two kids together.  But that is what he would do, still scared that when it gets hard, that he will start to shut down from me again, that he will want to avoid me, cause I cause him the stress.  I don't like that.  I don't want to do that, but I am scared that I will because I don't know how much I can change, if any.  He tells me that they wont help him until he tells them how he planned to kill himself.  I wonder if I should ask.  Will he even tell me know?  if he isn't going to do it anymore than it should be safe to tell me right?  But what if he doesn't?  I ask.  It looks like he is debating whether to tell me or not, or maybe just how I will react, or the fact that he had gone that far and he's worried what I will think of him.  He tells me.  That is good.  Very good.  Hear a knock on the door, my friend saying goodbye they are leaving.  Ok.  Figure it is time to get up. James follows suit.  That's good.  I am worried still that it wont continue.  But I don't want to say anything.  I don't want to wreck it if he is working on it, or even to upset him about reminding him of what he used to be like.  I can't forget though, but I will try to forgive.   My mom is still sleeping, she came in very late last night.  the kids haven't eaten yet.  we are actually hungry, but we avoid dairy products as we believe that we got some food poisoning from Costco, or else why would three of us have gotten sick?  or even him from just two drinks?  I only had 5 myself.  We both eat breakfast.  Start to get ready, mom wants to go to Costco and we have other shopping and stops to make, like the paper work they forgot to give him yesterday.  Get everyone ready and head to town.  Mom wants to buy lunch. James says its all good.  We pick Opa.  End up fighting with Doris, cause she wants subways and she would rather starve then have a caesar salad, which is a fav of hers.  So stubborn.  I spend  a few minutes dealing with that.  James try's too.  Still find him more willing to but heads or argue with the kids then let them have something small.  My mom wanted to buy them a drink, and he said no.  Not me or my mom, he jumped in and said no.  I caught his attention after and said 'if it is ok with my mom, then what does it matter?' 'oh, i guess, ok'  Not going to make the stress from the kids any better if he just wants to tell them no all the time and bug them.  They don't like it and he takes is to far sometimes.  Not sure what to do, he says he is working on it, and so I don't want to say it doesn't seem like it, I see a very little improvement, and I don't want to discourage him, but I have changed to be better for my kids and I can't be fighting with him over it either.  But I can't have them hurting each other over it also.  This is going to be so tough I think.  And of course, as I have said, since it will be so tough, i am very very scared that it will be very easy for him to fall into depression.  there is still just as many things going on in the house that were there when he left and are still there now.  And he says that he wants to work on them, and I want to believe him, but I have heard that before too.  And if the job gets to hard or is a lot more work, it has in the past, made it very upsetting for him then.  And I don't think that he is ready for any of this yet.  he hasn't done enough work on coping and dealing yet I don't think.  Big Sigh.  I guess I will have to wait and see.  Lunch went good, we all ate.  Then Doris wanted Subway and was buying her own.  That's ok too.  James waited outside and it took forever in Subway.  Finally got on our way.  We are again walking holding hands or in each others arms.  It feels great.  Head into town more to hit the hospital.  Forgot to bring in his meds to get disposed of, and the papers that we had to pick up were the disability forms that the doctor filled out.  So that was good.  then get water and ink and back home.  Head up to the west side of town, its on the way out and everything that we need is there.  place to get water, their water filler is broken.  So was decide to get water in our little town, but only one bottle, but that's ok, that's all that we need for the next two days.  Get ink.  Still James says it's good. Head home.  Forget water, mom reminds us as we pull into the driveway.  Oh well, can get that later.  Get home and unloaded, not much to unload though.  James ends up on his computer.  Mom mentions that she can send me and James to a movie or she and the girls can go, so that we can have some alone time.  I love my mom.  She can see that we need the alone time and then offers it.  I mention it to James.  I think that since my tummy isn't that good, I wont have much fun at the movies.  James wants to stay home too.  Since that's what I want, I don't make a big deal about it.  I know that he may want sex and I have mixed feelings about that too.  I want it too, but, again, should we only be working on our sex life every time we are alone?  Or should we be working on us as a couple?  my head says couple.  But.....  We end up doing a quick supper cause I don't have time to make a good supper anymore cause of the movie time.  James comes out to eat supper.  Kids just finish eating and it's time to go.  I know that we wont be doing much, if anything, so we decide to bring in the dog, but we have to bath him first cause he has poop on him, but if we leave him outside, he will just bark at us.  So we bath him.  We work together doing it.  Get him towel dried off.  Let the dog loose in the house to run around.  James gets the laser pointer and gets the dog chasing that.  James asks, 'is this considered blow dry?"  We laugh.  We decide to watch a movie, one a friend recommended.  We curl up together in out bed to watch "across the universe'  James takes off His pants cause of the belt and phone and he says that he doesn't want to be poking me.  ok.  That's fine with me.  We cuddle, wrapped up in each others arms.  I just about fall asleep.  Nodding off James asks if I am awake.  Since I heard him I answer yes.  But I have to pee, so he gets up to pause the movie so I don't miss much, even though I haven't really been watching it any ways.  Come out and he is still standing at the end of the bed, we have no remote for the dvd, so he was waiting to turn it back on.  I have to walk past him to get to my side of the bed.  I walk up to him and we hug.  Then kiss.  Kiss more passionatly.  He moves down to kiss my neck.  I like that.  But I have a conflict about how we should be spending out time, and I don't think its best that we only have sex when we are alone.  I brake loose and suggest we finish watching the movie.  We get back into bed and that only last a few moments before James pulls me on top of him and starts to very passionatly forcebly kiss me.  I like that too, so much that I don't resist anymore.  we keep that up for a bit, the rougher, more needing foreplay.  It feels great.  We slowly undress each other, again feels great.  I had a thought that it was kinda like the first date.  That alone should tell you how much fun it was.  It takes forever it seems to get to the intercourse part.  And I don't know how much longer I can wait before I will have to stop and finish myself or just stop.  Its hard to stay at that moment.  With my on top, I manage to get him inside me without our hands and soon he is pulling me off of him.  I don't understand why.  Does he just want that much control?  He puts me back on, couple strokes and then pulls me off. I want it dammit it, I need it, and he is pulling me off, why?  doesn't he want it too?  If he wants the control, with our talk the other night about sex life, why didn't he mention that?  Should I have asked what he wanted then?  Was that a prompt that I didn't catch?  He reaches over to grab a condom.  That's good.  I know I was scared about if he didn't.  While his hands are busy I take some action of my own.  I get onto him and start to make it feel good.  He pulls me off, breathlessly and says how bout you put one of these on me first?  'oh, your that close?' 'ya' 'well...'  I push back on him and rock a bit more.  he pulls me off.  i laugh.  I can't remember him ever being that close and not handling it.  I kinda like that.  We get the condom on, and it take only a couple minutes for him to finish. I make sure he is finished.  he is.  I'm not.  We roll over and I tell him it wont take long just fuck me.  He listens and only a few minutes and I'm done.  He says 'that didn't take long' 'nope, told ya' But now I have to pee.  So we can't cuddle that much enjoying each others bliss.  Get up and cleaned up.  Turn off the silly movie that was making no sense any ways and now James wants to play Rock Bank Beatles.  Mom texts that they are on their way home.  Ok.  We get playing rock band.  Mom and kids get home.  They get ready for bed.  Mom plays rock band.  That was cool.  James is on the drums and tells me that he will be going to bed soon cause he took his Seriquil.  oh.  he says that he took it cause of all the people coming over tomorrow.  oh.  I don't like that, I don't say anything, expect ok.  But now he is sounding like the doctor.  He believes that it will be to hard and so he runs to the drugs in stead of trying it out and seeing first how hard it might have been.  There isn't that many people coming over tomorrow and they are all people he knows.  We play more rock band.  James is starting to have troubles concentrating.  He says good night, and i get my mom set up to watch a movie.  James went straight to bed.  I go and blog a bit.  I don't want to be spending my time on the blog and not with him, but I know that if he is that drugged that he wont be there with me anyways, but I also think that I need to keep this up for other people.  I can't just write the bad stuff.  I have to write everything so people can see what a life is like with a social phobic.  I go to bed and he is drugged.  No other way to say that.