Bin a couple days since I posted, busy life and all. Trying to spend my time with James and my kids. Its hard to split that time. I am trying, but I just can't stay in bed with him all the time, and sometimes I think that when I stay in the bed with him, that he stays in there cause I am there. But then if I leave, it sometimes seems to make him go more down. I have decided that I need to live my life, and he can join me, but I can't stop living just cause he can't join yet. I have to be with my kids. I can't leave them by themselves all the time.
Saturday was hard, he was worried about everything, his symptoms seem to have changed, now he gets a sore neck and icky tummy and aches and pains. and then of course you lay in bed when your sick and it is completely acceptable right? He didn't make the girls taekwondo on Saturday because of this, or the shopping that we needed to do. He did say that he was up and watching TV though. and that's good. He was still in bed, but awake and trying. He needs to do more though, distractions are just that, they take your mind away from the problem but don't fix it. I realize today that he has not looked into the parenting stuff that the councilor has given him yet. again I fear that he wont do what the say to, cause there isn't a doctor right beside him holding him while he does it. They tell him to research anxiety, fear, and depression and he doesn't, still hasn't. he says lately that its more depression or physical pain, not anxiety. i tell him, that when I tried moodgym it showed me that I had very high anxiety, even though I didn't think I did. but I had the neck pain, the shakes, the tummy upset, the crappy sleep, trouble sleeping. I had all the symptoms, even though I felt fine. And that this website, moodgym could help him. But he has been unwilling so far to even look at it. I struggle very much with how he wants to get better, but shows that he doesn't. I don't understand it and he doesn't let me in that much. He says that he doesn't have those thoughts, 'i can't do it, I'm not worthy, I'm useless' thoughts that one would expect to find in someone struggling to do something that is scary, worry some or hard. But he says he doesn't, but then he can't seem to do them anyways. I don't know what to do and find myself telling him that he can do these things to help himself, he just has to do them. I find him shutting down. And that is a normal past behavior that I am trying to avoid, but don't know how or what I am supposed to do. Do I just leave him every time that he can't do something and just sit back and watch? would that help? would it hinder? I ask him what's going on, he says just that 'i feel your pushing and I'm shutting down' I know this, even though I don't think that telling him he is strong enough, he can get help, he just has to go to his computer, not even leave his own room, would be pushing, and I tell him that I don't know what else to do in this situation.
I find that often he is saying 'yes' or 'uhmm' agreeing to something that we, me or his mother say, and then no follow through. I don't understand this either, and when I bring up the subject he doesn't have answers. or he will say, just couldn't, but wont have a plan for next time. Again that is part of what the websites are for. His friend on face book that I email with, said the same thing, that she had to just keep pushing through it and telling her self after wards, that it was fine, she was fine, everything was OK. But I don't think that he does this either, after he has completed a task. Some times I believe that he will agree just so that we will leave him alone and he never has the intent to do it. Or of course there is the whole part of him wanting to, but for what ever reason doesn't do it. Just like the work book and the websites, they can and will help, if he just tries. I don't understand why he wont try. Does he not believe? Does he think that only a doctor one on one can help? If the doctor tells him to do something at home, will he be able to do it at home? so far he hasn't. what if the new doc that he met in the hospital does the same thing. Tells him to go on the Internet and find something like moodgym and complete it. Will he do it? or will he say that he can't and then walk away from this doctor too?
I want to be positive too, but it is very hard for me right now. I have been sick the last week myself and don't like it. Not sure what it was, I am starting to think that it was mostly bad food followed with some stress/anxiety. I have finally found a way to live, and so far am feeling better. And that is good. I can't let him hold me down, and that is a bad way to think. I don't want to think that it is him holding us back or down, but financially it is. His parents are paying our bills right now. we can't do anything or go anywhere because we have no money. I know he feels this stress to and the guilt from it, but then the only thing that he can do it get better. I am so very scared that he wont. Can I live with that?? If he never gets better? can I live with someone who doesn't want better for themselves? If its not cure able enough to go to work, that is different, there are things to help with that financially, but, can I live with someone that does not want to be the best he can be? I don't think so. I fear that I will have to decide that soon. I have no idea how long it will take for his parents not to be able to pay our bills, or anything like that. i don't know what we will do if we lose everything. Will I still be able to stand beside him when he is the reason we wont have anything? i dunno right now. I am scared that I wont be able to. But for maybe a different reason.
family night, movie night. He spent most of the day in bed again today. Aches and pain again he says not anxiety. I still think he doesn't believe that that is what it is. And of course I could be wrong, but if he would just look it up, if he doesn't believe me then. He wants to go to the doctor, what if the doctor tells him the same thing and tells him to deal with the stress. Then what? right now I think that is not going to happen if that is what the doc says. Or maybe the doc will give him pills, will that help? What does he think the doc will do? So frustrating. He finally came out of bed around 2 in the afternoon. He came up to me, while i was cleaning. I made a point to stop and cuddle into him. Show him that I notice him, love him and appreciate him. Or at least I hope that's what he would feel. In the past, I would have continued cleaning and that would have forced him to leave me alone. I would have been mad and he would have been upset, and i would have thought, well maybe if he helped, I would have more time for him. And I do still feel that way, but i know that he is struggling and he has not helped clean since he got home, he has not had the kids except the night I was in the ER getting checked out, and he has not had to cook. He has had a responsibility free ride since he came home. But that still doesn't seem to be enough most days. I am very scared that he will not be able to handle the kids, maybe ever, and that will rip us apart. I don't want that. But, I can't do that to him or them. And I will be the stronger one and leave if it comes to that, but I know that will take some time, before it does come to that. We are supposed to watch a movie together for family game night. James barely last 30 minutes before he leaves. he didn't have supper with us either, upset tummy, and then he goes and leaves. Says that he is taking pills and to lay down. One thought jumps through my head, if he hadn't had the left over pizza at 4:30 right when I was starting to cook supper and I told him not too, cause I was starting supper, he wouldn't be so upset now. another thought is that he can't handle the kids and all we are doing is eating supper. Yes we had company over and that was stressful cause my friends little boy is mentally challenged and that makes him hard to deal with, but he was gone now. It should be time to relax and enjoy. But he has to leave to do it. he has to run away. he is still avoiding. he hasn't worked on anything, I am so so scared that he wont work on anything. And of course what will happen then?
It hurts when he can't have time for us. He says often that he needs alone time, how much time is that, in the past it has been all day. That doesn't work with a wife and kids. I know he is fine with me, but I am a package deal. And he might not be able to deal with it. I pray so much that he can find peace, with or with out us. I pray that it is with us, but I pray more, just for him to be happy. and healthy. No matter what. he loves me, I know this very much. But I think he hates the kids, or more just can't stand their ways. But that's kids. They all push buttons and boundaries and scream and yell and through fits and fuss and fight and argue. Yes of course they could have been better if I was better, if their dad was better, if James was better. But they aren't and can't change that, but we can work on better. I am trying, James has noticed. I have changed with them, I barely yell anymore, I talk, I make them talk, we figure things out. he can do that too. And he is better than before he left, but he is still very quick to say no, even though it might not matter either way, or to just say something like 'I'm the dad, to bad' meaning that he doesn't have to explain or he doesn't have to answer, and that cause such a conflict. and then he is up in arms with them. Oh lord, help please.
Tomorrow he is supposed to have his second day alone with the kids. he is supposed to pick them up from Taekwondo, because I have my own appointment with my psychologist. I am supposed to also try and get James in with one of his colleges. James' crisis councilor stated that a psychologist would be the therapy part, not a psychiatrist. Although he still needs the psychiatrist part. So since I was seeing mine on Monday, that seemed very convenient. I am worried that he is stressing over this. he will have to cook them supper, and bath Irene and get her into bed before I get home. homework should be done, as the babysitter is still helping with that. But I think that is why he went down tonight. he is stressing/anxious about tomorrow alone with the kids and how he will deal with them, since he hasn't figured out how to yet, or what to do with the stress when it arises. If it puts him into bed at 6 and he can't get up in the morning, will I get a phone call that he can't? I will have my babysitter to help as a back up plan, but what will that show? If I ask him, I am sure that he will say that he doesn't know what it is, or maybe, and he wont want to talk about it, even though talking about it might help take some stress off if he is scared about punishment or their attitude or something like that. we can talk about that, find safety nets, solutions. I am so worried that he wont. And that wont help him either. We have some of the parenting stuff from his crisis councilor, I can help him, if he wants. I think he knows that. I am sure that I have told him. is he scared that he wont change? He is the only one that can make him. does he want to? I really hope that his fear does not hold him back anymore. When he finally becomes strong enough, there will be no stopping him, but what will that take, to make him strong enough? Pray, I will.
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