Wednesday october 13 2010

Wake up in pain, try to see if I can just push through it.  It hurts, and the pain waves are causing nausea too.  It hurts.  I decide not to go in and head back to bed.  James is still in bed.  His alarms goes off.  he has that group to go to.  I say we can go in together, he says ya.  He goes back to sleep.  crap.  it starts at 10 and its 9.  We have to leave at 9:30.  I tell him time to get up.  he grunts.  'your going to miss the group' 'I'm not going' 'why' .......... 'you wanted your freedom and to go to these sessions and your not, your laying in bed, how is that going to help you' 'I wanted the anxiety groups' 'that's what this is, just a drop in though, not a whole day group' 'no, its a bridge group' 'what is that then' 'dunno' 'so you wont even try?'  ...................'c'mon James, talk to me, don't shut me out, you talk to nurses and doctors, talk to me too' ...........'are you going to do this with the doctor too?  not talk to him?  how will that help you?".....................'do you want me to leave?' 'no' 'ok then you have to work with me, talk' .......................'I can't stay here, do you want to be alone?' he shrugs.  It hurts me.  I'm getting upset.  this is what i struggle with.  he knows what to do, but in the depression he doesn't.  and doesn't talk to anyone about why.  We might be able to help if he would talk.  I start to get mad 'i don't understand why you wont do anything that is supposed to help you, you have everything that you wanted, and you are still unhappy, you wanted to be home with us, why?  so you could lay in bed?  so you wouldn't go to group therapy?  your not writing in your journal or blogging, or any research, or anything, you can't keep blaming, you said you were done blaming others, when then tell you what you need to do and you don't do it, who's fault is that?"..............I don't want him to think that everything is his fault, but he is the only one that can control what he does or thinks. 'you can do it, you are strong enough, you have to tell yourself that, even if the first time it doesn't work, you have to keep telling yourself that' ............'do you believe those things?' he shrugs.  if he doesn't believe in himself, then their isn't anything anyone can do.  'what do you want?' 'i think i want to be alone.' 'for how long' 'dunno'  I'm mad again.  if there is nothing that can give him hope, like me, then I dunno what to do either.  'well i have to go' I get up and leave, I don't slam the door, but I don't close it nicely either.  I feel bad.  I hate fighting and I don't want to do this, I want to support him, and dunno how.  I want to give him a kiss good bye. I go back into the bedroom.  he is on my side of the bed, he has his head covered with pillows, he's crying.  I bend over him and hold him.  i can only hold that position for a few seconds and then my tummy gets more upset.  I stand up and rub his back.  I remind him that I love him, and that we all do, we all are here for him, we all want what is best for him.  I finish arranging what doc I am going to see, and kiss him good bye.  I remind him, I have my cell phone if he needs me.  I spend pretty much all day at the ER.  We text a bit.  he stayed awake, yay!  I tell him to be proud that it is small steps and he has to be proud of each one of them. no matter how small.  He's watching a movie.  I'm bored.  he hasn't called that Doc he wants yet.  about an hour or so later, he texts that he called.  YAY!!!!!!!!!!  he just needs a referral.  'who needs to do that' 'when i go to see the crisis councilor I will see if she can get my current doc to do it, or i will get my family doc to do it' 'yay, great step, and plan, that awesome!'  trying to get him to text with me, just cause I am so bored sitting at the ER for 4 hours already.  He wants to play his game, so I know that means he wants his time, not texting with me, so I say ok.  I doesn't hurt, I don't like it, but that is just cause I am so bored.  we make plans for him to make supper and his mom to get the kids since I am still at the ER.  James says ok.  Well he doesn't say anything bad, but he probably wouldn't anyways.  I text him to tell him not to worry about homework, cause that would just tress in the past, first night with the kids, lets not worry about it.  Just spend time with the kids.  That should help remind him that the kids can be fun, not just headaches.  I finally get to see the doc after 5.  The doc wants to do the some blood test for my liver and gal bladder.  mmmm.  is that why they told me not to eat or drink?  in case surgery was needed?  i hope not, but wouldn't that be funny for my boss that I keep pissing off with all my time off that I keep needing.  Blood work comes back fine, but they want an ultra sound done to make sure.  ok.  that's for another day.  ok.  can I eat and drink? yep.  ok.  that seems weird to me, just cause if eating and drinking is making me sick, shouldn't I be on something special?  Nope.  ok then.  Call my mom on my way home, she suggests white rice, it is supposed to be easy to digest.  ok.  no butter or soya, WHAT??  that's not fair, and gross.  Doctor didn't give me a note either, but I think that I can get in to see my doc, they would have let me in tomorrow, so I will call, and Friday would work too.  get home and supper is made, everything looks happy and good.  That's good too.  after supper homework. James goes and lays down on the couch.  he looks down a bit, ask if he is ok, yeah.  ok.  tummy starting to hurt just a little bit, not that much.  but still there.   get the kids in to bed.  James and I are sitting on the couch.  'whatcha wanna do?' 'what do you want to do?" ' dude, what do you want to do?" we grin, its funny.  Search the satellite for something to watch.  we joke and hang out while watching tv.  its fun.  head to bed to finish watching it at 10:30.  I ask his plan for tomorrow.  'maybe walk the dog.' 'that's it?" 'ya i guess, why?' 'just trying to figure out what you are going to do from 12 till 11' 'maybe walk the dog' well that tickles my goat a bit, is he scared to tell me, or doesn't want to make plans if he is too scared to do them?  I ask about taekwondo.  might make Friday, after my appointment' 'ok'  we talk a bit about life and my friends and just hang out.  Doesn't take long before we start to kiss and we both know where that is leading.  it doesn't take long and we are having intercourse after some good foreplay.  Sex has been great lately.  It doesn't take James long and he is done, but i'm not.  So he goes to make me happy, but he can't.  Can't finish the job.  I remember how much I hated that when we first moved in together, and that it was a problem then and never got fixed then, is it going to be happening again?  fuck!  I'm so frustrated.  and I get a little snappy 'if you are going to go that easy with foreplay, then we might be able to do that much foreplay, or maybe think about me first before feeling it so much for yourself.' 'i feel like a kid in trouble' 'its not a big deal right now, but if it continues, it will be' 'I'm sorry' 'so we have a problem, we need a plan to fix it and work on it, that's all' I'm calming down, cause I want him to see that problems can be fixed and dealt with. 'ok'  we didn't actually plan out the next time, but since I had already said somethings, I am going to guess that those are the things that he might try.  We roll over cause I have to get up and go to work the next morning, so I want sleep and its after 12 now.