Sunday October 24 2010

Long time for blogging, but trying to spend as much time with the family as possible.  Hard to sit on the computer and do that.

James got Ei and has been doing much better since, and I know that it will help with his parents too.  They don't have to pay our stuff, which will in turn help even more with James and how he will feel about being able to take care of himself.  He is challenging himself, still some more, getting up by 11 now, instead of 12.  He found that his legs were restless last night and so he went to the stationary bike and rode that for a few minutes.  And that's great.  He didn't get to sleep till 2 he said.  And that is another problem.  But as long as he continues with setting up his routine and sticking to it, there is proof that it can get better, might not get perfect, but better.  I would love to exercise with him, but in the past he doesn't like that, and so far still isn't willing to give it a try.  We talked a bit about that on Tuesday, on how he isn't willing to try many of these things that me and others are telling him to try.  his response was that we are treating it like the doc and meds, 'this worked for so and so, it must work for you too' 'not saying that it will work, saying it might help, not even cure, but these are the things to do so you don't need meds' he didn't respond to that.  'you are saying they wont work with out even trying them, we are saying they might work, why do you get to know what will happen and we don't get too know?  if you haven't tried, then you can't say it doesn't either.' he is very upset and is barely even looking at me, never mind talking to me.  I get stuck at this point, the doctors will tell him to exercise and he wont.  but then he will blame them again, because he is already blaming us for saying these, how is he going to get better if he isn't going to try?  and by try, I don't mean once. I gave him a deal breaker, I think it needed to be said, even though we both know, he can't have me with out the kids.  He has till Christmas to find a way to deal.  He says he knows he can't have me without them, and he knows that if I have to choose he will lose, and he says he will try.  I don't like that try, try means that he is allowing himself to fail.  Will he find the parenting stuff?  He hasn't looked at it since the councilor gave it to him, he hasn't researched it or anything, he is just trying to force it down, but that doesn't work, and he knows it.  I have no idea what will come of this, what is going to happen.  Greatest fear, he wont do anything, even when the doc tell him something that he has to do and then he will go down, and it will be every ones elses problems, and i will have to leave.  that is my greatest fear.  But I can't have the kids watching him get mad and hide from him all the time, what does that do to them?  And I can't always leave them to go to him, and that is hard on both of them. things have to get better, but I don't know how they will.  Should I continue to hold his hand, and bring hm all this information and tell him and talk to him, so that he doesn't have to go and do anything for himself to get better?  or should I just wait until he finds a way to help himself, cause even with or without us, when he comes to  a problem, he will have to learn to deal and solve and cope with it.  Just going to have to wait and see I guess.  Will I be strong enough to walk away at Christmas?  I don't know.  Time will tell that one.

Sunday comes, first bad day since he got money.  But, that's cause its Sunday.  maybe not bad, but hard day.  headache, tired, didn't want to get out of bed.  Sunday's are always bad for him, cause its cleaning day.  and he doesn't want to clean, he doesn't want to do anything, that is a big problem when you are a dad and a husband. However, I have not been asking him to help, I have not been making him do anything, and it still bothers him, so that might pose a problem.  One idea, make cleaning day all week.  Monday sweep, Tuesday mop, stuff like that, laundry on going.  But even with piles of dishes and laundry, if he gets over whelmed, i fear he will start to break down.  He doesn't see it as, yes these 5 things need to get done, and I have 5 hours.  can i do them all in five hours?  probably if I work my butt off, but....so what NEEDS to be done.  Do that and then be ok with hanging onto some stuff for the next day.  Delegate.  negotiate, think, figure it out.  deal, cope.  please I hope he learns how to do those things.