Big day. Can he?
He wanted to talk last night, he was tired of the pain, and said he didn't know what it was from. I said from anxiety. 'so what are you anxious about?' 'dunno' 'ok, so in the past, what would have been a stresser' 'the kids' 'ok, so what part of the kids is stressing' 'that i have to pick them up tomorrow' 'ok. that's ok. and we have two safety nets, your mom and the babysitter, just in case right? does that make it better' 'dunno' 'ok, so would sitting outside in the truck to pick them up work better?" 'its not that part' 'ok, so is it picking them up, or spending the evening with them?' 'being with them' 'ok, but you did ok on the weekend right?' 'but you were there' 'ok, but last Wednesday, when i was at the ER, and you did supper by yourself, you did ok, you did supper, so you didn't crash, and you did it, so you can do it again right?' 'mmmm' 'but you did it, how?' 'they went to their rooms and I didn't have to deal with them' 'ok,well, can still work mostly like that, you just have to do supper, homework will be done' 'and get Irene to bed' 'but you did that Tuesday night, when I took Doris in to taekwondo, and you did that one too, you didn't crash, you managed through it' 'mmm, i guess' 'i am not sure what you need from me or what else to say, except that I know you can, you are strong, you can do it. do you remember the 5 breaths that I told you about?' 'yes' 'don't be scared to use that, and let the kids know that you are too' 'i just want the pain to stop' 'i know, and if it is from anxiety, then you have to deal with your anxiety to make it go away' 'remember your friend, she pushed through it too, and so can you, we can't run away and avoid it right?' ' i know' 'ok' I am at a loss again, he knows everything that he is supposed to be doing, but still struggles. I am just there beside him gently talking to him. He gets so down the minute something doesn't work the way it is supposed to. That's depression for sure. But he doesn't want to be on depression pills. I want him to sign up for moodgym ' even if all you do is sign up, and it doesn't have to be right now, but their main focus is depression and that is what you are struggling from right now more than your anxiety' 'mmm' I hope he finds a way, even if it isn't moodgym but something else, just finds a way to deal.
Turns out he didn't sing up. He did make taekwondo though. That's good. could tell some stress. but he did it. they went home and cooked. My appointment didn't happen. I get to come home early, almost an hour early. I get to have supper with all of them too. yay. The kids and I are still eating when James finishes and leaves, to go lay down. Instant mad. he had them for all of, an hour, and I just get home, and no family time, or even family here. Just run away, don't spend time with us, cause not like you can go and have alone time once they are in bed or anything. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts. He did do it, how can we make it better next time? I go and tell him, good job, proud, but next time, he can't run away until they are in bed. 'ok' I finish getting the kids ready for bed and a friend comes over with their puppy that we are babysitting. need some help, call James. he comes, talks, helps. That's good too. the dogs actually arent getting along and I worry. He will stress over that. crap. finish off the night, like a regular night, nothing big, nothing small, just a night.
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