Phone rings. I have to crawl over a kid to get it. It's my dad. very soon after hello's I can tell that they are searching for information but don't want to directly ask. I haven't told them about James. We aren't that close and my step mom has made a point in the past to tell me that I am not allowed to ask for help. So I didn't see much point in calling and telling them that my life is just about over or is in so much turmoil that I don't know how I get up in the mornings some days. They ask about finances, I mentioned that I got help from the food bank and freecycle and that James' dad has paid the mortgage this month. They say that they can't help that much either, but they might be able to give some food. My dad has cattle so if they can give me beef that would be great. I agree that food does help a lot. They know that I am going to go grocery shopping but dont tell me what they are giving me or what not to buy, so I decided to buy what is on my list and if I get double, then i will be better next time right?
My and my friend make a plan to go into town together, she wants a Costco card and if I take her in, we get a ten dollar gift card. But since I want to take the kids to go see James, we take different vehicles and so that she can go home after shopping. We make it in time to Doris' taekwondo make up class too, that was nice, she was the only student for the first 20 minutes. She got lots of one on one instrustion, which is perfect. Plan to make more saturdays to help her out. After taekwondo, we take all the kids to mcdonalds. The other three need to run of some energy and they need lunch and it will be awhile before we make it back home to have something to eat. We go to Costco and end up taking 2 and half hours in there, between getting a card, shopping and having one of her little boys need a medic from cutting his thumb open on a book. It is three by the time we leave. I was hoping to see James around 2 and thats what I told his parents. Not sure if they are planning to visit or at what time they are planning. I send his dad a quick text that I am just heading over there now, just in case they are there or heading over and just to let them know.
We get up there and ask to visit. The girls are a little unsure, why didn't we just walk into his room? They don't understand the nursing station and why everything else is locked up. The don't understand what 5 south means. We follow James into one of the small visiting rooms and as soon as the door is closed he turns and asks the girls 'where's my hugs?" the both jump up and grab him. Puts a smile on my face. I know that they need it just as much as he does. They have missed him and so has he missed them. I give him the books that he asked for, puzzle books. But also in the mail today was the work book that I ordered. So I gave that to him too. James gives me a small letter that he wrote. "you are my rock. You shelter me from the storm, you bring me hope and happiness, you are my strength and I love you." I just about cry, but some how it just doesn't come out. I rest my head on his shoulder. I need him too dammit. I'm his strength, only because he doesn't see my breakdown later or behind his back. But that is what he needs and that is what I do. Irene wants to show him the letter that she wrote. She gives it to him, he reads it, he looks happy/sad about it. He says aww thanks. and that he wants to come home too and will when he is better. He says that it has been crazy in there all day today, RCMP and everything going on. The girls cuddle on and off with him, we talk about taekwondo and Irene talks about McDonald. James says that their is a doctor there today and that he might get to see him since he never saw a doctor yesterday. So not sure what the doctor meant by 'pulling the rug out from under him" meant. Doris is explaining a move that she did in warm up when a nurse opens the door and tells us that we have to step out cause they have to clear the main room. James states that we might as well say good bye (we only have 15 minutes left on the meter and he says that this will take at least 10 minutes) We get hugs over the counter and kisses and we all look so sad as we leave. It is so hard. And the kids don't understand really at all. They know that he is sick and that he is there to get better, but they don't understand anything else about it and there is so much more. And I can't tell them either, even if they could understand, they are too young to know that kind of thing. How would they feel about the fact that James, their daddy, Irene doesn't even remember anything about living or being raised by their real father, wanted to kill himself and leave them? They wouldn't understand anything at all about that. and they don't need to. We head over to another grocery store for some small things that big Costco doesn't have and then head home. I feel like crap again. I don't find pleasure in just about anything anymore. I don't sing to my songs on the radio, I don't care about cleaning, or cooking or anything. I try not to let it affect the things that I have to do, work, the kids stuff, but I know sometimes it does. They look over to see my pride and I am just a zombie. It doesn't happen often, because I don't want to hurt them, but sometimes I forget that I was suppose to smile over that for them to see. Their isn't much automatic happiness. We get home, I teach my friend how to make meatloaf. supper was good. tasty. My dad shows up after supper is all done and give me lots of food. My step mom comments that it looks like I am pretty well stocked, I mention that I already told my dad that I got food and that I was shopping. She makes no comment. She asks if this food will help. I say oh yes, yes it will. they gave me some beef and soup and buns, and bread, and butter and noodles and KD, and cereal, and pop and pork chops and wieners, and pudding, and tuna and granola and some canned veggies and some frozen veggies. we don't visit for very long. they ask how James is doing, I say alright, alright as can be, being in a nut house. They ask about his meds, I say that he hasn't had any. They ask if that is a good thing or bad thing. "considering how he is been vs that last 6 months, he is doing much better, so we are not sure if the meds were actually hindering him in the last little bit, with how many different ones he was on and switching them and all" they just nod. They can't stay long and head home soon. Me and my friend talk a little bit. about James and life and the situations that I am in. And she keeps repeating how strong I am, that most people would have packed up and left. I know they would have. But I can't. I can't leave him. I know that i am still depressed as my options all suck and life sucks and everything, but I try hard, at least for the kids. I get them all ready and off to bed and my friend and I play rock band. I know I need to do these things and it will make her happy, that is why I do them. I did have some fun playing, drums was actually working for me, so that was really nice. decided around 1 in the morning that I needed sleep, so we ended the rock band and I went to bed.
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