Sunday December 12 2010

alright so it has been a very long time since I wrote on here.  Going to try and do at least 15 minutes every day.  I said try.  We will see what will happen.  it is best to do it at the end of the night, but it is hard at the end of the night, because I just want to go to bed.  Also hard to leave his side still.  I am hardly on the computer now a days, between the kids and spending time with everyone.  But I do manage to get on the computer sometimes.  I wanted to write about our last visit to my councilor, but didn't remember to bring my booklet in of the notes that I took.  yes I took notes.  I normally have a great memory for those types of things.  Things I have to learn and do, but I discovered, when I was trying one day to talk to James about the things that we were supposed to be doing, that I couldn't remember our last visit very well.  So I made sure that I took notes this time.  I also know that we only have a few more sessions left, well that are free anyways.  And it does sound like my councilor doesn't do much more than that.  But o well, 12 is better than none, and we lost 2 from canceling.  so I think that we only have one or two sessions left.  than James will be on his own with his councilor.  Good news on that, he did manage to get into the one from Edmonton.  The one that seemed to help so much while he was in the hospital.  So that's good.  But James still has a habit of not writing.  So then he comes home and forgets most of it, and is two days after, basically forgets everything.  today was not a good day for James.  that was three bad days this week.  Two were break downs.  Crying, wanting to end it all, hating life.  Wondering why life is so bad to him.  Not that much that I can do about that either.  Our first visit to the councilor mentioned that we had to work on his self esteem.  its like a bucket with holes in it.  if he doesn't patch those holes then everything every one says just falls out the holes.  I find that seems to be such a big deal.  And so does James.  He his finding that he thinks and feels that he can't do anything right, and then he gets scared about doing the wrong things.  His anxiety comes from his poor self esteem.  he has also discovered that it comes from holding in his anger.  Trying to teach him that it is ok to get mad is a very hard thing to do.  Because in most cases, he knows that he is not supposed to yell at the kids or me, and of course never to hit us.  which is true, but that doesn't me that he has to stop feeling those things.  Every one has those feelings.  Its ok to experience them.  its whether or not we react to them of course, or what we do with them.  So working on that.  He is considering, since he has had three bad days this week, being admitted to a real phyc clinic.  Even though he states that he WILL NOT ever go back to the hospital.  I am not sure what he thinks that he will find better or different in a real institution.  I am worried that he still believes that the doctors will cure him.  They wont.  They will only ever be able to tell him what to do.  I saw and episode on CBT with an OCD patient and how she had to deal with her OCD.  Her doctor would require her to actually place her hands on a dirty trash can and then touch her face.  Now for OCD patients, that is a very very very hard thing to do.  But she still had to be the one to do it.  The doctors are saying, to the relaxation, to the group therapy, do the breathing, do the writing and James is not doing them and then still complaining that he is not getting better.  He told me tonight that his mom offered her place to him.  that made me mad.  it didn't work last time, what would make her think it would help this time?  he needs to learn to deal and relax after stress, not run from it!  he declined because of other reasons.  We are going to try and write every day.  Both of us.  If we both do it together maybe it will get done.  My 15 minutes is up for tonight though.  So I will write again tomorrow if everything goes smooth.  Sorry its short and no thorough.  But that's it folks.