ok, so second night, yay, I did it. Well hopefully i can keep it up too. but we will see. For me today was a good and bad day. So far it seems like it was about the same for James. I am trying to make it a point to show him the litle things matter, but I still find I say good job and he doesn't think it is, so he doens't believe and then it doesn't matter that he did it. How do you boost someones self esteem when they dont want to believe that they are ever going to b good enough?
All of my usual techniques that i would use on other people don't work. Like yesterday, I was trying to get him to come with me and the girls to see Santa, something I make a point of doing every year for them. and he knows that this is important to me and the girls. They are still young enough for it to matter to them. and he did want to. So I tried to reason with him about how it what would be worse? ther guilt and regrett of missing it, or the fear of going? and he said the guilt and regret, but still couldn't pick the lesser evil. And that is where I get stumped. I don't understand how if you decide that it is the better route and then walk away. how do you do that?
yesterday proved that I still need to work on it too, i didn't yell at him, so better than in the past, but asking questions can cause him to close down. and he says that I was pushing yesterday. I was talking, and asking him to talk, but I did leave him for an hour, and come back, just like our doc has said and he still didn't talk, so I talked. Explaining that he can, that he doesn't want the other feelings, that he has to get up and push through it. And then me and the girls leave anyways with out him, come back and I see his mom there. Pisses me RIGHT OFF!!! Not once did he text me or call me that he needed help, or anthying. he still doesn't turn to me. Is it because I wont drop everything and run to him? I have kids, he needs to know this, maybe it is me that needs to understand that he will always need someone, and if he thinks I am busy with the girls, he wont turn to me. but he never says thats why when I ask him. So I still feel that he doesn't feel like he can trust me, that if he lets me in, he thinks I will judge him and turn him away like everyone else. his mom has proved that she wont do that, but he isn't letting me prove that, even though everything we have already been through isn't enough proof? I wish i could understand. If he always has to have someone there for him, then that is something I need to know if I can live with, becasue with me having kids, it just wont happen that I will always be there, and I will resent him if I have to leave my lfie for him. He doesn't want that and neither do I. How does his mother do it? What is he going to do when she is not there? has she not thought of that? When will he learn to deal on his own? what happens when she doesn't answer her phone and he won't call me? Maybe I'm the back up. If she doesn't answer, maybe that's when he calls me. He did call me last week, well text me I guess, to let me know that he couldn't help me with the kids, and couldn't find a replacement. couldn't deal. I don't think he saw or even talked to his mom. And by the time I got home that day he seemed ok. Its so hard, I want to talk about it, fix it, figure it out, but talking about it can make it worse, it can bring those feelings on again. that makes it very hard and difficult for me to talk to him. cuase I can't just say what I want when I want. I always have to double think it to make sure its ok. double check it.
yesterday was brought on by being overwhelmed. But when i asked him from what, his famous answer is 'i dunno' I ask him if he is going to think about it, pick at it, I even lay out our schedule, one thing a day. Not to bad, considering a day is 16 hours long for the most part. But he still doesn't know. Then I come home and he has a whole list for his mom of things that are bothering him.......wtf? that hurts. he said it was cause I don't push. I asked him what she does then, 'i dunno' well that gives me so much to work with, I can totally get better with that......
feeling lost, don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel we are closer, and then something like that happens, or even know, I am holed up in the bedroom he is in the living room, kids in bed, and what do we do? We go our separate ways until bed time. We don't talk it seems, because mostly, anything can hurt him, even me talking about my work. Not sure what we are supposed to talk about then. Not sure how we are working on things. We get a plan and then its like a week later, the plan that we drew up doesn't matter anymore. Like we planned on how we were going to slowly fix up the problems in the house (one of his problems with being overwhelmed because HE has to do all the problems) he wont teach me so I can do it, or ask for help, so he leaves it all on his shoulders and then blames himself because he stacked it to high on himself to do it. We made this plan about 2 months ago. 10 dollars a pay check to slowly get supplies to fix up the one renovation that is hanging over our heads. But either that is not moving fast enough or i dunno, cause I guess that is still bugging him that he has all this stuff to do and can't get any of it done. We always seem to make a list and then what happens. He never looks at it again, or he finds the list over whelming, but when he talks with his mom, that's what they do, make a list. Second time that she has come out here for him, because of us and the house, and made a list. Will she ever tire of that? What does she think it matters? For most people it sets goals and time lines and just boundaries, cause then you know what you need to and not need to do, but that can be just as bad for James as looking at the half done project. Or at least I am sure that it is, or else why can't he go and deal with the list that he and I made? Has to have his mom make one? Does he do it just so his mom is there and being with him? Like people seeking attention? I don't know. Will I ever know that, highly unlikely. Ok, well that was 25 min, not 15, but I figured why not. Was in the mood. I do miss blogging, but it has been hard to find the time it seems to take what little time we have away from him seems silly. But I think I need this just as much as he should be doing it for.
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