wow, what a turn of emotions. Woke up very upset, hurt and then of course mad to go with it. Why? mostly because my husband (still getting used to that term) had mentioned last night that he would be considering doing and nice yummy Eggs benny for breakfast this morning.... MY FAV! that would be nice, he wasn't sure though, cause we don't have english muffins.
But he was the one that stated that he could also just go to the store in the morning and pick some up... That would work. Of course, I told him, he could always just make some from scratch too right? He laughed at me. I wouldn't have gotten up to make biscuits either though.
But of course, he didn't get up. He never does. Its very hard to see the good things that he does do for me. What does he do? the chores around the house after I nag? drive the kids around, if he feels like it? make them do their chores if they don't fight that much cause he doesn't want to deal with the hassle? So many times, its to hard for him and then it takes away from me, and that is hard. Its not hard to get up and make breakfast, is it? Am I asking for to much? is it to much? not like I am asking for that every morning of course. But if he says that he wants to get up and do it for me, make my fav breakfast in the whole word, is it to much to hope for it and want it and think that its not that hard?
Of course then that leads into how much I do for him and how little it seems that he does for me. Will it always be like this? he used to do small things like that, in our dating times. When we didn't live together. I remember coming home to hand made cooked pizza, with a rose and candle light dinner. the kitchen was cleaned (remember we lived alone, so he cleaned up MY kitchen, not our kitchen, but one that was just mine and my mess) yes it was also for my birthday. But does that mean that unless it is a special occasion, that I should expect to get anything special? He picked wild flowers once last year. only time that we have been together in over six years has he done that. And he knows that my fav flower grows wild around near where we live. So he could potentially do something special and nice that doesn't cost anything in the season. But does he? No. Why? he says cause he just doesn't think of them... ok so where does that lead. Does that mean that he never thinks about doing nice things for me? wow. really? that's pretty harsh. I don't know if that where it lies, but he says he does think about doing nice things for me, but just never gets it done.... is that a better answer? he is to lazy to do nice things for me? to stuck on himself to do it for me is what I see. I see he NEEDS his computer time or he might not relax, he needs his bath or he might not relax, he needs the distracting tv or he might not relax. If he can't control/relax himself then he has a bad day. So he has to devote his day to himself so that he can function for the next day. And I can't expect anything from him.
Normally I am good with this, i don't expect anything special from him, honestly I really don't. Because I have gotten used to him not thinking/doing nice things for me. That's the way life is. When I want something nice done for me, I have learnt to ask, and even then it is 50/50. But as life would go, I can't be let down every time and not get upset every time. I am human and I do have emotions. So, today bothered me. He couldn't get up, he couldn't plan to be up before me to be bothered to make my fav breakfast. After he mentioned it to me, after you waived it in my face, he took it away just as fast. I was in the shower just fuming about how he couldn't be bothered. and how, yes I don't do lots for him either, but I am so busy with work, that I don't have time for anyone, including me or my kids that I miss desperately. I don't think he has noticed that one reason I haven't done my own gel nails in the last three months, was because even though I had the time at home to do them, I choose to spend that time with him or the kids doing something, like a movie or a game or just vegging out. But I had the time to do them, but I didn't pick them to do, because I cant socialize with people when I do them. So it was family time or nails by myself. I have given up lots for them, my sleeping in has been given up to be with them, my own relax time is always gone. I have even in the past, gotten up at five in the morning once Sunday to make James breakfast so that he could have a part of our family breakfast before he went to work that week because the job that he had started would cause him to miss it. But it was already planned and the girls and I would still want it too, so I didn't want to just not make it, but if I made it and he missed it, he would be sad too. So what did I do in that situation? I got up Super early and made his portion, just for him. Sat there while he ate to visit with him and then after he left I went back to bed. But he couldn't be bother to get up at nine thirty this morning to do one for me? nine thirty isn't even near early. Like really??? I was PISSED this morning! But its very hard to take my anger and talk to him, because if he doesn't take it right then his day is wrecked and supper and stuff at home might not get done, because he still hasn't learned to deal with conflict or anger well yet. So, pissed off. That's my day. Pissed.
Don't have that much time in the morning and started running late, that's fine, I will buy my breakfast, why? Because I can, and because I don't care if its not good for me or takes the little money we have. Fuck him, fuck everyone, doesn't matter. I will do what I want and that is that. To bad for everyone else. no one can stop me.
And I did just that too. I made my lunch and snacks, made them healthy as can be with a chicken cream sauce and such, but I did my best. couldn't wait to get out of the house, but I didn't want to go to work either. Why? for what? for him? not like he does anything for me. Why should I give up my time for him? or his benefit I guess. But whatever.
I wake him up cause I can't find Doris. James says that she said that she was going to practice playing volleyball when she woke up this morning. oh ok. then he asks for some pain killers. hmmm....
So that is why he did not get up, in pain again. Happens 50% of the time on a Sunday. Why? I don't know, neither does he. I think it's cause on Sunday he is supposed to help with the house cleaning and the whole day is supposed to be devoted to spending time together. you wouldn't think that was bad, but it is big responsibility, and that can cause him to go down. And look he made a statement that he was going to do something nice for me, he made a responsibility on a Sunday, and woke with a massive migraine, so he couldn't get up and do anything for me.
I grabbed him the pain meds and a cup of milk. I still was not happy so I didn't stay in the room and chat with him. He some how, with in a few minutes of getting the meds, managed to get up and let the dogs out and wander into the kitchen.... hmmm... really, when they don't work that fast. and he could have asked me to let the dogs out if they were whining or something. or even bring him something to eat. But nope, he was well enough to get up for that... well, but not well enough an hour ago with the same amount of pain. whatever. He apologizes for not doing breakfast. I want to rip right into him about how he teased me, how he never does anything for me, how this bullshit. But I don't. What good will it do? what the point? will it change him in the future? no, so what does it matter? I just tell him, its ok, I wasn't really expecting it anyways so didn't matter much. But I do remind him that it seems to always be Sunday's that he has a migraine if he gets a migraine. he says, " I knew you were going to say that this morning, when I was in pain" well.... so maybe there is a point? like hello? But again, whatever, fuck off, piss off, go away. He goes back to bed, and I leave. I am still pissed. My radio station isn't doing anything for me either. I remember what helps sometimes. I get out my phone and plug it into my van stereo, crank, and I mean crank Eminem. my mirrors are vibrating from the base. The first song on is Stan. Mmmmm.... I'm mad and hate my life right now, maybe not the best song choice since I think about how easy it would be to flip my van on my way to work and see how much fun that would be. Just a quick jerk of the wheel. That's all it would take... so I change the song. I sing and let the music fill my head so that nothing else can. I hit McDonald's and only order what I need. I had debated ordering everything for the whole day and not caring about he calories or the cost, because what did it matter. but I don't, so already I can tell I am in a better mood. But not all better yet. I leave my tunes cranked as I leave McDonald's and floor the gas to drive to the music. I am sure I had many people looking at me and cursing about my driving. But no one else was on the road when I did it, and again, whatever, i don't care, fuck off I can do what I want. I get to work and the system isn't working. I get focused on fixing that and before I know it, a couple customers later and I am in a fine mood. I have a cleaning project to focus my mind and not sit and stir my thoughts and the day is passed and I am in a pretty good mood.
I do blame part on the music. Being able to just ignore everything and not think about it, not to sit and stew the negative thoughts help a lot. Its hard to do, and music can be a great distraction. Also lets out the feelings that we are feeling sometimes with out focusing the feeling onto someone. I don't have to make them feel bad to make myself feel better. But I do need to get the feelings out. And that part James has not figured out yet either. How to let the feelings out and I can't seem to teach him. Just like you don't have to be sad. You have a choice. but everyone has to learn their own way. Just like I did. I just hope its soon. he is still missing a lot. yes no where near what he was missing even a year ago, but still missing lots.
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